EvanL
Mar 19, 2012, 02:55 PM
I have done some pretty awful things to my ex in terms of not being able to commit to her for a very long period. We had a torrid love affair and friendship for four years while being married. It's not something I went looking for but it happened. Two years ago, after much turmoil, I separated from my wife in order to be with this woman who had separated from her husband at the same time. I felt so guilty over the separation that I went into a deep funk and pushed her away to the point of being completely indifferent to her, I think partly because of the pressure she was putting on me to continue the relationship. She felt so much pain but continued to fight for me until I told her I couldn't continue to see her anymore. I joined an online dating site to help fill the void I was feeling. She found out about it and texted me tell me how hurt she was, what a jerk I was and that it was a total slap across her face.
Three months of no contact and several hateful texts from her I realized the error of my ways and realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I contacted her, we met and continued to meet, talk and go out every once in a while over the next eight months. Things were casual and seemed OK but on several occasions she started crying telling me the pain from the past hurt so much. After several months I made the classic mistake of pushing too hard for something more than she could give which in turn pushed her away. I made relationship demands on her, which she was not ready to deal with and which I really had no right even to be asking for. I told her the pain I was feeling was so bad and that I now realized the pain I had put her through and was so very sorry. I pulled back to give her space which upset her but if I pushed it sent her running. This has been going on for almost eight months.
I became very frustrated and said I didn't think I could continue seeing her because of the pain and uncertainty. She said she didn't want to jump into a relationship with two feet and also said she wasn't surprised because she didn't trust me to stay anyway. Although she is 42 she has said I am the only man she ever let in and I had the ability to truly hurt her. I reached out a week later to her on Valentines day with a rose and a card which she received in her mailbox and called later to thank me and tell me what I did was very sweet. She said she was going away for the weekend and would call me when she got back. I waited for her call, which never came, nor did I call her. I really didn't know what to do.
Four weeks later I got an email from her saying that an intimate relationship doesn't seem to be in the cards for us and said for what it's worth she always thought we would end up together and that for the longest time felt guilty about the fact that I moved away from my wife. She said she doesn't anymore because it's not her fault the relationship didn't work out. I explained my reasoning and met her in person to give her some commission money that I owed her. I was very friendly and told her that I agreed with her decision and thought it's probably for the best but I would like to continue to work on a friendship. However she was cold, indifferent and I saw little life in her eyes when she looked at me. Over the next several days I sent her two friendly, upbeat texts but get only three or four word responses. I think she still loves me but if so afraid of being hurt again. She had stated in a recent email that throughout all of this she never wanted me out of her life completelyť and still wants to be friends.
I don't know what to do, and continually wonder if this relationship is truly over, or do I continue to fight for friendship to earn her trust. Its been eight months since we reconnected and now seems to be going in reverse. She certainly fought for me in the past. I really do love her and for the first time in my life would truly like to commit to her in an honest, open and loving relationship. After eight years she is still the first person I think of when I get up and the last person I think of when I go to sleep.
Three months of no contact and several hateful texts from her I realized the error of my ways and realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I contacted her, we met and continued to meet, talk and go out every once in a while over the next eight months. Things were casual and seemed OK but on several occasions she started crying telling me the pain from the past hurt so much. After several months I made the classic mistake of pushing too hard for something more than she could give which in turn pushed her away. I made relationship demands on her, which she was not ready to deal with and which I really had no right even to be asking for. I told her the pain I was feeling was so bad and that I now realized the pain I had put her through and was so very sorry. I pulled back to give her space which upset her but if I pushed it sent her running. This has been going on for almost eight months.
I became very frustrated and said I didn't think I could continue seeing her because of the pain and uncertainty. She said she didn't want to jump into a relationship with two feet and also said she wasn't surprised because she didn't trust me to stay anyway. Although she is 42 she has said I am the only man she ever let in and I had the ability to truly hurt her. I reached out a week later to her on Valentines day with a rose and a card which she received in her mailbox and called later to thank me and tell me what I did was very sweet. She said she was going away for the weekend and would call me when she got back. I waited for her call, which never came, nor did I call her. I really didn't know what to do.
Four weeks later I got an email from her saying that an intimate relationship doesn't seem to be in the cards for us and said for what it's worth she always thought we would end up together and that for the longest time felt guilty about the fact that I moved away from my wife. She said she doesn't anymore because it's not her fault the relationship didn't work out. I explained my reasoning and met her in person to give her some commission money that I owed her. I was very friendly and told her that I agreed with her decision and thought it's probably for the best but I would like to continue to work on a friendship. However she was cold, indifferent and I saw little life in her eyes when she looked at me. Over the next several days I sent her two friendly, upbeat texts but get only three or four word responses. I think she still loves me but if so afraid of being hurt again. She had stated in a recent email that throughout all of this she never wanted me out of her life completelyť and still wants to be friends.
I don't know what to do, and continually wonder if this relationship is truly over, or do I continue to fight for friendship to earn her trust. Its been eight months since we reconnected and now seems to be going in reverse. She certainly fought for me in the past. I really do love her and for the first time in my life would truly like to commit to her in an honest, open and loving relationship. After eight years she is still the first person I think of when I get up and the last person I think of when I go to sleep.