Hey everyone, I am a 20 year-old male. I am new here, and I just want to share something. I truly appreciate it if you read the whole text but even if you don't, thank you for passing by anyway.

Most of the time I just feel depressed, even had suicidal thoughts before (now they started to fade away kind of). The problem is, I don't really know why. It is like I have a really pessimist soul in me. I always think way too much until I put myself into a bad mood, can barely sleep at night and am always drinking energy drinks to keep me in pace during the day.

I tried to talk to some people but they never understand, and I know how they look at it. And I know that technically my life isn't that bad, am a student and live in an apartment where my father pays for everything (universities are free where I live). But still this feeling is taking over everything.

Everything bad that happens I start to look at as I never have luck and I never got to make anything right. The only thing I can think of that is making me feel this way is the flow of events in my life. I can't remember that one day I actually got what I wanted, no matter how hard I try. Till point that my pessimism took over and now I can't trust anybody, I can barely appreciate what I have.

When I was a child my parents got divorced and I never got to see my mother and my father at the same home. I lived with my father and I see my mother once a year. And that made me feel like I am never home. I always feel like a guest and my presence makes everybody uncomfortable.

I was the black sheep of the family. My only brother was good at school and was always close to my father. I barely talk to my father. Every time I get yelled at (my father and my step mother used to hit me but never in a mean way) and I am always the one that is called 'stupid' and 'problematic' etc... I know they never meant those words but they said them so much that they are kind of stuck with me now. Every wrong thing I do, I remember them and then I say to myself "my god maybe they are right and I'm not as bright as my brother and I will never be".

Anyway, I didn't like it much there with my father. I love him and he is very wise and taught me lot of stuff, but he was extremely over-protective, and every step I made, he criticized it, so that made me kind of fear him. He didn't allow me to see my friends after school until I was18, so I kind grew up alone in my room.

I always swallow all the sadness and I never talk to anyone because I feel like they don't really care. Of course at school I got bullied sometimes and when I was a teenager I grew up almost paranoid and then I started to listen to rap music and it kind of gave me strength (I know it sounds weak, but that was the only way I found, the only weapon).

Of course I fell in love with a girl that I tried to be with but she ignored me completely and then after like almost 4 years, just to get over her, I tried to move on with another girl that friend-zoned me.

After high school, I decided to follow my dream and it was to study film-making but unfortunately the only school that it is available is payable and my father refused to pay since he doesn't want me to be a movie director. Then I applied for biology because I was always interested in Genetics and I also always envisioned myself curing diseases and stuff. But I got refused by the university. So I ended up studying International Management which I have no interest in whatsoever.

All along these years I felt like I never really got anything I wanted. I always show people that I am strong and can take care of myself, and most of the people come and talk to me about their problems and all just because I try to be a good person no matter what. And I even tried drugs and alcohol to lessen my thinking but then I chose to abandon them completely since I know very well where they lead.

I kind of feel helpless. I write a lot. Stories and everything but still it is not enough, I never feel better. I kind of hate my brain if that makes sense, because I can't stop thinking. I am tired of thinking about literally everything, I even thought about seeing a shrink but then I was thinking about it (what are the odds!) and I ended up saying "they don't really care, eventually they are only doing it for money and I am student so I don't have that much spare money". Now I can't concentrate much, I never failed any courses so far but I start losing taste in life.

I am truly sorry if I wasted your time. I just wanted to share this somewhere. Have a good day and I wish you all the best.

Firstly, you are wasting no ones time, I actually read it twice.
I share some of your feelings as I am an over thinker and tend to over analyze things myself.
I wish I could tell you how to overcome some of that, but I haven't mastered it either.
I will say a few things for your "condition" though, if you will allow.
Thinking is not a bad thing, I'm sure you thought about the drugs and alcohol, dropping those things was a good choice.
You think about your studies, obviously, you are not failing.
You've thought about the hurtful words enough to realize that sometimes frustrated parents say things that they don't mean.
While I can see where thinking has had some positive outcomes for you, I know that it can be difficult when your mind spins and you can't stop it.
Since you don't have extra cash laying around, perhaps there is counselor at your school, a pastor, or a trusted family member that you can talk to.
I don't believe thinking about things is a bad thing, more people should do it.
However, you need to figure out how you can slow it down long enough to smell the roses and before it turns negative.
And don't assume that counselors, psychologists, etc, etc, don't care. That is what they do, and most do it for that very reason, They DO care.
I wish you the best

you have to find inspiration in life and always read stories of different people int this planet so at least you have reference and fact how life was going on with other people and how they manage to survive and get going in this sick earth... and also you have to see miserable persons life as compare to you so you will be enlightened. ^_^

Hey thanks LadySam for reading, it is good to know that I am not the only one, I really liked your replay, lots of sense and truth in it :) . And yai1984 I actually read a lots of stories and it does show how lucky I am to have such a life. Yet it is also quite sad and makes me think that this is not acceptable to see people going through such ordeals. And because of that and because of our existence we must change it to make everybody benefit equally from life. And thank you for replaying!

Sometimes just knowing that you don't row that boat alone is helpful. And while you may be more fortunate than some others, at times that just doesn't matter. For myself I do always try to keep that in mind though.
I think that any day you wake up to sunshine is a good day, 'cause you are there to see and experience it, even if it is hidden behind a cloud some days.
So don't stop thinking, I believe that has what has allowed you to make what I can see as good choices.
Just try to stop and take a breath between thoughts.
And I hope you can find someone to talk to when it gets the better of you.
Think about this while your at it, you may not particularly enjoy what your studying in college but it may be a means to an end and enable you to pursue what you really want to do.

Good luck in your studies and in life.

I have some suggestions on how to start thinking and acting positively.

Force yourself to be more social and outgoing. Ask friends and family for help. Being in the company of others will keep you from boredom and prevents you from thinking yourself into a bad mood
Start working out. This will release endorphins and boost your mood tremendously. I'm serious, this really does work.
Banish all negative things and people from your life—banishing people this can be tough—and replace them with positive things and people. Hang out with these positive friends as much as you possibly can, so you leave minimal time to yourself—idleness and boredom always lead to depression—and so they're good vibes affect you. This is the only way you'll stop thinking terrible thoughts all the time.


It's not that you think too much, it's that your bored and have a lot of time to yourself.

Boredom and idleness will always lead to depression.

I'm purely guessing here, so, correct me if I'm wrong.

@LadySam "Think about this while your at it, you may not particularly enjoy what your studying in college but it may be a means to an end and enable you to pursue what you really want to do." That's exactly how I am coping with it :) Thank you again for the quick replay and I am sorry for the late response. I had a lot to study these days.
And slapshot_oi, that's also true. I am trying to be more sociable and hopefully start working out soon! And hopefully it will help me get busy so I can gradually thinking less or at least like LadySam said, have a breath between thoughts. Thank you for the replay!

That's exactly how I am coping with it
Good for you, and thanks for the chuckle.

And slapshot_oi, that's also true. I am trying to be more sociable and hopefully start working out soon! And hopefully it will help me get busy so i can gradually thinking less or at least like LadySam said, have a breath between thoughts. Thank you for the replay!
Excellent, you'll do well!

Peace!

Prime 47,
Ok, so this is my opinion-
Firstly, just look at how many responses you have received from people who don't even know you, it's safe for you to assume that if we care, then your friends and family care as well, and their caring is unconditional so keep telling yourself that and let yourself trust them.
I have a sort of similar situation to you, my parents got divorced the summer before I entered 12th grade and I was the only one of my 3 siblings that was home for the worst of it. In addition to this, our home got foreclosed in that same summer and we had to pack up the house and deal with our parents horrible marriage turning into a complicated divorce. I found myself thinking relentlessly as well and did not know how to turn it off and just stop thinking. Here are some things that have helped me:
1. Force yourself to put others before yourself, look for ways to help out your friends- friends first because family will end up making you feel a little trapped if you help too much, help your friends first and then afterward help out your family but tell them when it's too much-don't expect anything in return for your help. The favors and kindness that you show others, for no compensation, will in turn make them look to you as someone who is caring, considerate, reliable, and an all around good person and this will help you think the same about yourself.
2. stop allowing people to confide in you, this may seem like a good way to keep your outlook on life balanced by showing you that others are in the same boat or have worse problems, but in actuality it is feeding your need to be in relationships that mimick the emotionally unstable ones that your parents and others have created for you as a norm. If people start to confide in you, direct them to someone else that can help them, just simply say that you wish you knew how to help, but that their parents, friends, a counselor, whichever applies, would be more helpful than you could ever be. You are recreating the type of relationships that have become the norm for you and you have to break that pattern. Which brings me to number three.
3. Don't just be friends with anyone. Friends have the ability to influence you in either a positive or a negative way, therefore, look for people who are emotionally stable, who won't be looking for you to be their counselor but rather a friend on an equal level. Look for people who are happy and who have plans for their life and who have good characters, and especially people who can have fun, laugh at themselves, and just have a positive outlook on life.
4. About dating, it sounds to me like you are looking to have relationships with people who will accept your love but not give any in return. This is probably the type of relationship you feel you have with your parents. Open yourself up to accepeting love, first from friends and then from a potential partner. Don't be fooled by movie love, it isn't real. Look for someone that can be your friend, can understand you, that makes you feel like improving yourself but at the same time makes you feel accepted and cherished for the person that you are today, look for someone you can trust and respect and then make sure that you are also attracted, because let's face it, you gots to have the attraction;)
5. Don't think of psychologists as people who have to care. The point is that they care enough to help, but not enough to take on your problems 24/7 which is good because otherwise they would not be able to be there for any of their patients because they themselves would be depressed. Instead, think of them as people who have the expertise to know how to direct you toward the right path and how to help ou come to terms with the past events.
6. Don't try to just ignore your past in order to have your future. All of our experiences shape us and we have to let them. Let your past experiences become part of your future, you may not see it now, but all of the hardships that you have dealt with have made you a stronger person. You have gone through hell and yet you are not only trying to still make a life for yourself, but are trying to work on being happy and positive about the life that you want to build for yourself. Make no mistake, this makes you a very strong and special person.
7. It's easy to focus on school and be generally happy when things all fall into place for you. Your brother is a good person but there is a reason why you were given all of these experiences and not him. Also, it's not good to compare people in general,we are all so different and we are meant to remain that way, otherwise what's the point in having more than one person, you could have easily not been born if the sole person that matters is your brother. The truth is that we were all created t be different and all have a different purpose in life.
Finally, it's a good idea for you to look into finding your faith. Life is too heavy to bare if you think it's all on your shoulders and you're the one in charge. Once you realize that there is another being in charge of everything and running the world, you will be able to let go of your stress because you will realize that everything happends for a reason and you can plan and stress all you want but unless it's supposed to happen, it won't.
Good luck with everything, I hope this helped a little. Just try to allow yourself to accept people's love and then you'll find yourself able to trust again, it's the natural flow.
Btw- try going to comedy shows with friends, going bowling, going to the movies, just go out and have fun with people who are fun and jolly :). Also, look up jokes from time to time, especially blond jokes- my fav lol.