I have been married to this guy for just over two years and we have a son. Sex had never been great and stopped completely when I was about 5 or 6 months pregnant( i.e. over 20 months ago). His reason being that he is not excited! He is a very secretive person, sometimes choosing to answer his calls away from me.He has absolutely no commitment to the family and is usually very aggressive while talking to me.
He traveled recently and I found a big bottle of lubricant (half used), cialis and a long list of gay clubs (in his writing). He has been doing HIV and STD test without telling me( found the results).He has gay club membership cards in two different countries. I have also noticed he is a member of a gay dating site(which he visits at least twice a day- before and after work).
I don't know if I am being paranoid but I really think he is gay.Can anyone be kind enough to comment on this?

Let's see - he is not having sex with you.

He carries lubricant with him, talks on the phone away from you, has no commitment to the family (I don't know what this means), takes cialis, carries a list of gay clubs, does HIV and STD tests in secret, belongs to gay clubs and has joined a gay dating site.

Yes, I think he's gay. I can't believe you aren't sure.

I am just looking to see if anyone can tell me he may not be. This is sooooooo devastating. I guess the real question here is how do I handle this, how do I bring the subject up. I am scared he may harm me.

I know it deep down but just looking to see if anyone will say 'maybe he is not'. This is so terribly devastating. I guess the real question is how to ask him. I am afraid he may harm me.

If you are afraid of him you need to get a restraining order and/or get away from him. He's not having sex with you (apparently) but if he does he could very well be bringing "home" any number of sexually transmitted diseases and problems.

I wouldn't ask him - I would just leave before you get hurt.

Maybe he's not (that's what you want to hear), but I don't know any straight men who frequent gay clubs or gay dating sites. So it appears he is gay.

My parents relationship was very similar and honestly it would have been better for all us kids if we had known about this before we all reached our teenage years my mom told me she was lesbian 6 weeks after my parents told me they where getting a devorce( they told me this on my 16th bday) I am now 21 and have no contact with my parents except for a phone call on Christmas eve to each of them. My sister who is now 19 has canceled all contact with our mother and lives with my dad and step mom the only good thing that came of the whole ordeal my BFFS became my stepsisters and stepbrothers

I can't tell you whether he is gay. He could be bi for all I know. Some people who wouldn't think of cheating with an opposite-sex partner don't seem to think same-sex relationships are cheating.

I do know that you need to talk to him. Only he can answer your questions both the ones asked and unasked. When you talk to him about your thoughts and what you have found, try to stay calm.

If it would help you feel safer and more comfortable, think about marriage counseling and having a neutral third party guide the discussion. You might consider it as a way to learn how to work together as parents even if you don't remain married. No matter what your relationship with him is, there is still his relationship with his child. Do what you can to keep your personal feelings for your husband from affecting your child's perception of him.

What do you mean by 'aggressive' when talking to you? How do you talk to him? Are both of you getting defensive and reacting to perceived aggression instead of calmly talking about whatever the current topic is? It isn't uncommon for a person to use 'aggression' as means to hide fear and feeling defensive.

My parents relationship was very similar and honestly it would have been better for all us kids if we had known about this before we all reached our teenage years my mom told me she was lesbian 6 weeks after my parents told me they where getting a devorce( they told me this on my 16th bday) I am now 21 and have no contact with my parents exept for a phone call on Christmas eve to each of them. My sister who is now 19 has canceled all contact with our mother and lives with my dad and step mom the only good thing that came of the whole ordeal my BFFS became my stepsisters and stepbrothers


Why are you estranged? Is it because your mother is a lesbian, because she divorced (or the other way around) your father? Something else? I don't understand the distance from your mother when you are also a lesbian - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/children/young-son-touching-other-children-inappropriately-359199.html

I don't understand the family dynamics here and would like to - I have a family member who is a lesbian.

I think he is... surfing the net and looking is one thing... BUYING memberships at gay clubs is another... getting tested for HIV / AIDS when you are married out of the blue... is causing lights to flash and bells to ring. THAT is something you just don't casually do when you are married and supposedly monogomous.

I don't think you are being paranoid in this case. I can't find a reasonable alternative explanation for everything you indicated.

So he is gay, he is cheating most obvious and does it matter if it is men or women he is cheating with, you leave him, or stay with him knowing he is doing this/

Thanks everyone. Finally talked the talk.
He denied flat. His reasons...
1. He picked the cialis from the floor in his store
2. The clubs he visited were random. When asked about d list, he said he couldn't remember
3. He's had d gel lubricant for a long time. He just brought it into the house.
4. He can't remember the membership cards.
5. He just likes doing HIV tests because its free n he likes to kn his status(even though he is not cheating).

Honestly I am soooooo overwhelmed by this.

About the online dating site... it just pops up. (It pops up all the time because he goes there before he goes to work. Sometimes when I pull it up, it says 'u r logged out. Log in again')

Thanks a lot everyone. We finally talked the talk. He denied flat. His reasons...
1. He picked d cialis fron the floor at his store.
2. He's always had the lubricant in his car. Just brought it into the house.
3. He enters clubs randomly n they all happened to be gay clubs. Abt the lists? He couldn't remember.
4. He just likes getting tested so he'l know his HIV status.
5. The gay dating site just pops up on his system( even though sometimes it says''u r logged out. Log in again''.
6.He doesn't remember the membership cards.
7. What he does at the clubs he 'randomly' enters?. He just looks around n leaves. And then finds himself in another.


As I were a baby.

Gay I yhink

Thanks everyone. Finally talked the talk.
He denied flat. His reasons......
1. He picked the cialis from the floor in his store
2. The clubs he visited were random. When asked abt d list, he said he couldn't remember
3. He's had d gel lubricant for a long time. He just brought it into the house.
4. He can't remember the membership cards.
5. He just likes doing HIV tests bc its free n he likes to kn his status(even though he is not cheating).

Honestly I am soooooo overwhelmed by this.He's telling lies...

1. Isn't Cialis a prescription drug? Seriously I think it is.. that means its controlled.

2. Straight guys don't randomly vist Gay clubs... if they accidentally enter one... they get out real quick.

3. What would he have had it for exactly? The John Holms dildo he also forgot about?

4. You have to actively apply for membership in clubs... maybe even pay for them, you don't accidentally get membership cards for them.

5. As far as the HIV status... come on now... if he's faithful... exactly how does he think he's going to get it... thats a lame excuse.

Those are some crazy lies he's telling you. Sorry but to me it looks like he's gay... and cheating on you.

Cialis IS a prescription drug.

So... Have you called a divorce lawyer yet?

I ask because of his commitment to his family and the manner in which he is dealing with you. This might transfer to your child and we don't want it hurt.

What he wants you to believe sounds like a plot to a bad daytime soap opera. It is hard to accept but it sounds like your husband is cheating on you and doing a piss-poor job of covering it up. Protect yourself and more importantly protect your child.

So.... Have you called a divorce lawyer yet?

I ask because of his commitment to his family and the manner in which he is dealing with you. This might transfer to your child and we don't want it hurt.

What he wants you to believe sounds like a plot to a bad daytime soap opera. It is hard to accept but it sounds like your husband is cheating on you and doing a piss-poor job of covering it up. Protect yourself and more importantly protect your child.


I'm not sure that he isn't one of those men who won't leave - they push you until YOU leav,e and then they're the victim. He's done everything but tattoo "gay" on his forehead and there has to be a reason.

I think he doesn't want to be the one to leave the marriage (for whatever reason).

I think SHE needs to get herself tested for HIV because he didn't suddenly start this (turn gay) AFTER she got pregnant.

I'm not sure that he isn't one of those men who won't leave - they push you until YOU leav,e and then they're the victim. He's done everything but tattoo "gay" on his forehead and there has to be a reason.

I think he doesn't want to be the one to leave the marriage (for whatever reason).

I implied it heavily, but come out and say it. She needs to be the one to leave. As quickly as possible. Might burn some bridges and might be bad for a while, but it is better than it is now.

I implied it heavily, but come out and say it. She needs to be the one to leave. As quickly as possible. Might burn some bridges and might be bad for a while, but it is better than it is now.



I DID come out and say it, many posts ago (#5) - "If you are afraid of him you need to get a restraining order and/or get away from him. He's not having sex with you (apparently) but if he does he could very well be bringing "home" any number of sexually transmitted diseases and problems. I wouldn't ask him - I would just leave before you get hurt."

I'm not suggesting that she not leave in post #20 - I'm just attempting to explain WHY he might be flaunting his sexuality.

You guys don't know my husband but you write as if you do. Yes I think he is going to claim the victim here. He is already ranting about how I go through his things and all. The problem is, I have been COMPLETELY dependent on this guy and I have nothing to my name. Of course I know there is no future with him( much as I'd want to). Still trying to get my head cleared. He may soon stop feeding me.

Thanks a lot you guys.

You guys don't know my husband but you write as if you do. Yes I think he is going to claim the victim here. He is already ranting about how I go through his things and all. The problem is, I have been COMPLETELY dependent on this guy and I have nothing to my name. Of course I know there is no future with him( much as I'd want to). Still trying to get my head cleared. He may soon stop feeding me.

Thanks a lot you guys.


No, we write based on what you post and our own experiences and belief systems. Post more about him, you, your relationship and perhaps we'll have other advice.

I posted he likes to think of himself as the victim. Apparently you agree with me. Or not?

It takes time to go. I know that. It's easy to say "pack and go and take the child with you" but then there's the whole, "Where do I go? What will I do?" almost panic that sets in. Yes, you have to decide what YOU want to do and then formulate a plan.

If violence is invovled I say get out - go to family, go to friends, RUN to an Attorney.

He's going to stop FEEDING you? You mean he's going to stop supporting the household?

You guys don't know my husband but you write as if you do. Yes I think he is going to claim the victim here. He is already ranting about how I go through his things and all. The problem is, I have been COMPLETELY dependent on this guy and I have nothing to my name. Of course I know there is no future with him( much as I'd want to). Still trying to get my head cleared. He may soon stop feeding me.

Thanks a lot you guys.

I responded to what YOU stated... and being I'M a guy... I'm answering you as a guy, a straight guy.

Straight men NEVER frequent gay clubs or gay bars... EVER. Not occaisonally, not sometimes... NOT EVER. If by chance a straight guy wanders into a gay bar or club that wasn't obviously such from the outside... he quickly leaves upon that discovery.

Faithful spouses never go get AIDS tests... I've been married 20 years... I never HAVE to use condoms... I don't get tested because my wife doesn't fool around either. You don't get tested unless you have a reason to be tested, you don't get tested repeatedly unless you frequently perform acts with people that might be infected.

I don't have to know your husband... all I have to know is what you told us about him because none of these YOU told us are normal behaviours of a Straight Heterosexual man. I'm a straight man... I've known LOTS of straight men in my 50 years... I've even known a few bi guys and a few gay ones too.

So I can speak with a high degree of confidence in the accuracy of what I personally have told you.

If you don't run out now... you would be wise to make plans that won't leave you with nothing... and you might have rights to half of everything he has automatically... we don't know because we don't know what country you live in. Its those laws that determine what your rights are.

In much of the civilized world... you would have a right to child support from him as well as half of the assets, and alimony payments.

Need to spread the reputation a bit so here's a pretend "like." Well said.

This last post sounds like OP is looking for a "he's not gay" answer - and I don't think she's going to get it here.

Need to spread the reputation a bit so here's a pretend "like." Well said.

This last post sounds like OP is looking for a "he's not gay" answer - and I don't think she's going to get it here.

Clearly sounds like she is in complete denial. And she's not going to get a different answer from me... In the case of her husband... I have zero doubt he's a flaming homosexual. And in many cases of the "is he gay" questions that I have seen on this site... there were many "I'm not sure" situations and even more "I doubt it"... but nothing she presented here points to anything BUT the fact he enjoys playing hide the sausage. The only thing in question is does he pitch or catch...

And I also don't doubt this is a very difficult situation for her to come to terms with. And it might take her some time yet to do so.

...The problem is, I have been COMPLETELY dependent on this guy and I have nothing to my name. Of course I know there is no future with him( much as I'd want to). Still trying to get my head cleared. He may soon stop feeding me.

Thanks a lot you guys.
Well, if you never planned on leaving him because you believe you're unable, why did you want our advice in the first place? It looks like it did nothing but piss you off.

And yes, your husband is gay.

I DID come out and say it, many posts ago (#5) - "If you are afraid of him you need to get a restraining order and/or get away from him.

Gah! I can't English today. I swear.

I am in perfect agreement with you. Trust me.

I am definitely not pissed by any of the responses I got here. I would bet a lot of money that he is gay. And I'm happy no one said otherwise here. Its just a crappy situation. I live in a civilised country but what with not being able to afford a lawyer. One thing for sure is I will leave. To where... I'm still trying to figure out.

Again, I appreciate all your responses and kind words. You can't begin to imagine what they mean to me.

You never told us what country... if we knew... someone might be able to offer you info on what services you might be able to contact for help.

Gah! I can't English today. I swear.

I am in perfect agreement with you. Trust me.


I have whole months like that - honestly, no problem. Thought it was a typo or a brain f*rt.

I am in Canada

In Canada or the USA you have lots of options... he can't toss you on the street with nothing... This isn't Iran or Libya.

He will have to pay Child support, he will have to pay Alimony, you will get a chunk of everything you own together. Some Canadians can go into more specifics than I can being I am in the USA.

Madam, I am a 48 year old male, previously married for eight years to a fine lady before I faced self reality. I am gay. And so is your husband. I still choose to be closeted to many, but at least I am no longer hurting someone. Based on what you have written so far, I am convinced that he is having random male sex outside of marriage. This is not only wrong but places you at great danger should you have sex with him. Quickly consult an area divorce attorney before he does, to learn your rights as a potential cheated spouse and as a mother. Please, don't be naïve.

If it quacks like a duck... I think you know the rest.

I hate to be blunt,but you need to wake up to two things; you don't get tested for HIV unless you've put your penis somewhere other than in your wife and,I don't think you have ever said you love him,but are only afraid of him. Gay clubs are usually for gay people. You need to leave,but not in anger or fear,but because your situation will never get better,only worse as time goes on. You will become bitter and resentful,no matter what you think now,and that will destroy your child and yourself. Make a life for yourself,not just an existence.

Thank you all for your responses. I am still trying to figure out what to do with my life. Things are getting clearer now. I agree with u, dashleyb. I am getting bitter and resentful. To make matters worse, he doesn't even have the courtesy to apologise. Not that it'll change anything but at least some remorse would have maybe soothed me a little.