So after dumping a girl years ago who I later realized was one of a kind, now I go the opposite direction and get dumped as it seems I was the rebound in the newer relationship. Can someone tell me why I can't just let a normal, healthy relationship happen?

THE MEETUP

Back in early August 2011 in the city where I'm spending the summer, I meet this very attractive, quirky, fun girl through a mutual friend at a group dinner named Vio. Vio is there with two guys, one a friend and one the guy she's been dating for the past year. Let's call him "Brian". We get along great but I don't think much of dating her as she's obviously taken. Yet we become friends on FB and strangely she keeps messaging me, and the chat is fun and flirty.

Three weeks later it's my last weekend in Vio's city and I'm out with friends drinking and I get a message from her asking where I am and do I want to meet up. I say of course, and we meet and sit and talk for four hours. Turns out she and Brian had actually broken up back in May, and when I saw her a few weeks before, they were giving it "one last go" but it didn't work out again. We met up again the next night and ended up going home together.

LONG DISTANCE

I then left to go back and finish my last year in grad school (I'm 35 and she's 30), but asked Vio if she wanted to come visit me in October. She does and we have a blast, so many stories in four days and just a spectacular "click" together. We start messaging each other all day, every day, on Whatsapp -- a little IM app for mobiles.

We make plans to meet in Paris, and there again have a five-day blast with an incredible amount of passion. Then I go back to her city for a week, and it's again amazing times. A week back at school, and then I go back and see her for yet another week just before Christmas. Her best friend comes and visits and says she's never seen Vio so happy, that she hated Vio's ex but thinks I might be the one. Vio later confesses she almost says "I love you" a few times but was too scared to say it.

Just about then I find out that the job I'd worked in Vio's city the summer before wants me full time, starting in February, at a very good pay level, so I accept the offer to start mid-February, giving me time to go home and ship all my things and look for a place to live. We're both extremely happy, and I make plans to stay with her the first week of February, then move into my new spot.

LONG LONG DISTANCE

After school finishes on December 22, I leave to go back and stay with my family through January, but Vio and I continue to message each other multiple times a day. And then the problems start.

In late December on a phone call, she says offhandedly "Oh, yeah, by the way, Brian is trying to get me back." I ask her what this means and she says it's no big deal, but for the past few weeks he's been emailing her, saying how wrong he was to break up with her, that he sees now his mistakes, he's willing to fix them, and that she can't trust me -- based on his first impression when we had dinner that one time, I'm a bad guy and will only hurt her. Having no reason (then) to be jealous, I laugh it off and say this is what all guys say when they're desperate, just stop talking to him and it'll be fine. She agrees.

THE PROBLEMS START

A few weeks later, it's mid-January and she sends me an email saying only "There's some things I really need to talk to you about so I can feel like we trust each other more, let's talk later, k?" This is annoying, but we finally talk and I find out that (1) she's up and quit her job because she's gotten sick of the people she works with, and (2) Brian is still trying to get her back, and in fact came in to her work before she left and they had a long talk. Apparently they broke up because he wasn't willing to commit to moving in together, and now he's willing to do anything.

Still in another country with three weeks left before I see her, I ask her where I stand in all this. "He is someone very special to me" she replies. I ask her if she's going back to him. "No, I didn't say that, I just feel like recently you've been contacting me less, and I needed to know if you still miss me." I tell her I haven't contacted her any less, and of course I still adore and miss her, and she promises to cut off all contact. That seems to be that, but from then on it's more difficult, and she seems to get more easily annoyed by small things.

Finally the big day rolls around and I fly back to her city to stay with her briefly and start the new life, and as soon as I get there I can tell something's off. She's colder. Sometimes she's her same old happy, loving self, but other times just icy. My second night there we both have too much to drink and I tell her I'm having trouble trusting her and she gets really angry. My third night is a blast and we're all over each other. My fourth night, so-so. I'm not an insecure guy but the obvious unspoken problems are driving me nuts and I repeatedly start asking her what's wrong, likely coming off as more than a little weak.

Finally after a sleepless fifth night where we're both miserable and yet not talking, I confront her and say I need to know what's going on, even if I move out four days early. She finally confesses that she felt bad telling me because I just arrived, but that while she still cares a lot about me, that "spark", the passion she felt back before Christmas, has been greatly reduced, and she just doesn't have the same attraction for me. I move out.

THE BREAKUP

Next day was Valentine's, and while I'd made plans to take her out to a fun event, she calls and says she wants to meet for coffee at noon. I tell her if it's to say we're breaking up, I'd rather just skip the coffee and wish her the best. She insists on meeting. I get there, and yep, it's an hour of her crying and saying she doesn't know what happened but the "special feeling" is gone, and maybe it was due to Brian trying to get her back, she doesn't know, but she feels terrible and yet can't continue like this.

I tell her it's okay. People can't turn feelings on and off like light switches, however much they want to. She says the usual s#%&: "You're the best boyfriend I've ever had", etc. and after awhile I pay the check and walk her to the subway and say goodbye. I find a card from her in my bag later saying how sorry she is, and how she's going to work on finding the lost feelings again, because she knows what we had was very special. She texts repeatedly asking if I'm okay, to which I say sure, I'm fine.

After a number of these texts, I write her an email saying I really am fine, this is all just such a ridiculous shock to me after all the plans we'd made, but I'm just trying to move on as best I can and excited about the future. She replies saying "You seem to be handling this really well, I guess subconsciously I made the right decision. Goodbye." I reply saying of course I'm not handling it well, I've been on the verge of tears for 72 hours, but what else can I do? "I miss you so goddamn much already, but me sending you flowers and teddy bears and begging is not going to win you back, so all I can do is just try to move on. Please understand."

She continues to text for the next few days, bizarrely sending random pics of cute kittens and such with notes like "Isn't he so cute? I might have to get one." My first day of work I get messages from her in the morning and night asking how it was, but with all of it I send back only short neutral responses. It's now been six days of no contact, with the exception of me checking her Facebook page and seeing she's re-added Brian as a friend.

MOVING ON

The only really uncomfortable issue for me now -- as it's pretty clear I can do nothing except continue to try to move on -- is that it seems she continues to check Whatsapp hourly. I know I'm the only one who she has as a contact, as she was happy sending normal SMS's to all her local friends. But Whatsapp has this weird feature where it shows you the time that someone last looked at it, and I could tell she got addicted to it when we were texting so much in the past six months. She would check when I was online every hour or so, and then when I would come online, she'd text me within 4-5 minutes.

I now use it to keep in touch with all my classmates, and after I message one of them I'll like an idiot I occasionally check her own "last on" time, and no matter when I check it, she's invariably always been on it in the past hour or less, meaning she's checking it multiple times a day all day.

Since the breakup her two best friends have contacted me saying they're so sorry, whether there's anything they can do, and do I think there's any hope for us still. I tell them little other than I'm doing the best I can, this is all her decision, and she has to make her own choices.

I'm wondering now, though, as she's such a stubborn girl who has deep psychological issues sharing her feelings and what's on her mind, did I give up too easily? Did she want me to fight for her and instead thinks I just went cold and am moving on without a second thought, thus proving her decision about me right? She's also highly competitive, and I can see her wanting to call or talk but refusing to lose the "who's going to break down and message the other one first" war now that we've started it.

From my POV she's probably going to go back to her ex, as it looks like I was the rebound in all this, and I doubt there's anything I can say or do that will stop that. As I doubt he's changed in any way, they'll likely have another honeymoon period, after which they'll either really make it work this time, or will just break up yet again, maybe not even then for good.

I guess I'm spelling this all out in such detail partly to make the complexity of all this clear, but also to just vent out all the crap in my mind.

Can someone tell me why I made the mistake of jumping into a relationship with a girl who I should have known was going to be trouble, and then pushing it so hard that I broke it? I also really did just like her, and even without the relationship think she'd be a good friend to have. Is there a way to reach back out now that I've ignored her for a week and let her know this without coming off as desperate?

Thanks much for anyone's thoughts on any of all this. Sorry for the length.

This is blog, far too lengthy to read.

Can you boil it down to a question concerning one relationship?

Sigh... not really. It was more for me to vent, as I'm in a new city where I don't know many people yet and just went through a breakup.

I guess if I could ask any question, it's "Why would someone jump into a relationship with a girl he knew was going to be trouble (not over her ex) and then pushes it so hard he breaks it?"

Sigh... not really. It was more for me to vent, as I'm in a new city where I don't know many people yet and just went through a breakup.

I guess if I could ask any question, it's "Why would someone jump into a relationship with a girl he knew was going to be trouble (not over her ex) and then pushes it so hard he breaks it?"


I think you're not alone in that question. Maybe - and I've probably done it - you set yourself up for disappointment (if not downright disaster) and never find out why. With women it's often a history of men who are not good for them.

It's a good question. I don't understand it either.

It's interesting. Seems to always come back to self-confidence (or lack thereof) and "what a person believes they really deserve". If a person, male or female, doesn't think they deserve the best there is out there, they may continue to go for relationships that are doomed from the start -- because deep down they think that's all they should have.

That very well could be - I also think sometimes it's all in the chase when the other person is "dangerous." Then it's like a dog chasing a car - if the dog catches it, what then?

That very well could be - I also think sometimes it's all in the chase when the other person is "dangerous." Then it's like a dog chasing a car - if the dog catches it, what then?

Having thought a lot about this, and reading a lot of similar stories lately to understand better what happened and my own response, I think two things have become pretty clear:

1) If there's an ex boyfriend lurking in the background, just walk away. Especially if you're in a LDR. A girl who is over her ex and ready to be in love again will not continue to tolerate multiple contacts from him if she's with me. If she continues to receive his emails and respond to them multiple times, it's either because she's really, really needy, or (more likely) isn't over him yet. And if a girl isn't done being in love with another guy, no matter how great you are she isn't going to be able to make you a priority.

As the guy in this situation, you're going to sense this and no matter how fun, romantic, and self-confident you are, it's going to affect your ego and sense of confidence in the relationship, and it's going to throw you off your game. And the more worried and insecure you get, the less attracted to you she's going to be -- with her initial attraction already capped off at "semi-moderate" due to the ex hanging around.

2) Girls are not driven in their attraction by romance and kindness. This is just a fact. There's nothing wrong with this, but what the *intellect* says is best (a smart guy with a good income and open heart) is rarely what's going to be the guy she obsesses on the most. If it was, every girl in high school would have a crush on the biggest geek.

Instead, girls (and guys too, probably), want someone who puts them as "nice to have but not required". A guy who pushes them away at times, who proves a challenge from time to time, not because he's *mean* but because he has multiple other priorities in life, is going to maximize her attraction. It seems to just be how girls are wired. Once a guy fully commits and makes her more important than anything else in life, the challenge is gone and attraction will drop, and if it continues, the "we need a break" will happen.

I screwed up because I drove the commitment to this girl. I told her I was moving to her country because I wanted to get serious and see where our relationship goes. I sent her flowers. I got upset about the ex sticking around. I stayed with her my first week there with nowhere else to go. I didn't put her aside for local friends in the area or other activities. And to her, all the challenge was gone. I needed to let her worry, to miss me at times, to get jealous... to *need* me, and by putting her first I denied her all of that emotional fun. And lo and behold, "I've lost my attraction for you."

Certain BS "love gurus" like the guy who wrote "The System" say once "Interest" drops below a certain threshold and she says "we need a break" it can never be regained. Others say that if you go full NC interest can be rebuilt, and if she comes back, which many will, as long as you can stay confident and maintain your own life and other activities you may be able to make it work.

As this happened over the month I was away and her ex was hitting on her and it got worse when I came back (I was living with her for nine days), I doubt it can be repaired. I still love her, but can I get her attraction back up? Probably not. At midnight two nights ago, after having ignored her for a week, I get a single FB message from her saying just "I miss you...". Like a chump, I waited a day not sure how to respond, and finally the next night just sent back "I know how you feel, love. :)". This achieved nothing for me and I regretted it as soon as I sent it. No Contact means No Contact. Unless she says explicitly "I f*&%ed up and want to make it work", she gets nothing from here on out.

What's going to happen now to me? I'd say:

3% Chance: She comes back after a few weeks or months of NC and it works out between us now that I've found my foundation here in this new city and don't need to act like a clingy wuss that I'd become between finishing school and starting my new life. She broke up with the guy who wasn't me, when I was at the lowest point of my life, and as I'm back to normal now the attraction may be reattainable.

7% Chance: She comes back and we give it a go and it works for a few days or weeks, maybe we sleep together once or twice, but even though I once again have a life and have lost all my neediness -- I'm my old fun and confident and dynamic and exciting self -- we can't get back to what we had because of the broken trust from the breakup.

90% Chance: We each move on. Having learned the need to take it slow and always let the girl make the decisions to "progress" the relationshop, I date for awhile and find a great relationship a few girls down the line, while she gets back together with her ex, maybe it fails for the third time, maybe they work it out, but we stay apart, and for good reason.

My only advice to everyone out there is this:

1) If there's still an ex around, just walk away.
2) If she's broken up with her ex less than three months ago, be very, very cautious that he's not still around.
3) Always let the girl be the one who drives the relationship.
4) Never let any relationship be the only priority in your life.
5) If a girl starts to show *any* sign of pulling away or fighting with you, pull away more until she returns to her normal self, laughing at all your jokes and needing you more than you need her.
6) If a she does start to show the warning signs, never ask what's wrong. She will never want to tell you she's losing her attraction for you, and you're just going to come off as even more insecure.

Once you're in love and enough time has passed, you won't have to worry about these rules as they'll come naturally, but I'm not sure there's an expiration date on any of them. I've read and seen relationships fall apart after 7+ years due to ignoring the above, and it looks like people just have to be able to always maintain their own lives. I'm sure there are exceptions, but no one should think that they're special. I did. And I was wrong.

Cheers.

My late husband had a great saying. He ran a business. Once you were fired, you were gone. Once you were an ex-girlfriend, you were gone.

"No rehires."

Still makes me laugh.

My late husband had a great saying. He ran a business. Once you were fired, you were gone. Once you were an ex-girlfriend, you were gone.

"No rehires."

Still makes me laugh.

Damn good saying. Though I'm not sure "Post-Breakup Friends With Benefits" can be applied to the same metaphor... ;)