Why am I here? It is a bit of a rant but, mostly I want whoever these people are to stop, I hope they read this.

You see, I was brought into this world, I didn't ask for it, I don't want to be here. Is anyone going to just give me what I want whenever I want? No? Then I don't want to be here. I hate my life, I hate my job, I hate everyone that has more than me. I am tired of hearing that you have to earn the nice things in life, and I say no, I would rather kill myself. No? My life is worth too much? How? If it is worth so much, give me what you think it's worth! No? That's what I thought. I have tried to kill myself three times, yet people keep stopping me, they pump me full of drugs and let me go, why? I am not going to stop trying and eventually I will succeed, you guys just keep making it harder, and I just don't understand. If you won't give me everything I want and let me do whatever I want then why do you insist on keeping me alive? It takes a lot of work and time to get yourself to the point where you can actually take your own life. I had to brood for three years before I could point the gun at my head and what happens? Someone tackles me, I was in the middle of nowhere and someone finds me and stops me, now I can't own firearms so it's a lot harder. I tried freezing to death but it takes too long, people find you. I hate this, leave me alone and let my go.

I am not here so someone can confirm my thoughts, just here so you guys and whoever reads this and finds me that, they won't stop me. Thank you for not caring.

Wow! You have a future as a bestselling author, like Lee Child. I sure hope you write more. I want to read it!

You kidding? My grammar is horrible.

You kidding? My grammar is horrible.
Good grammar doesn't make a good writer. Ever read Raymond Chandler or James Joyce? Their books are classics now. The poet e.e. cummings often skipped using caps. Didn't you read "Jabberwocky" *** (by Lewis Carroll, the Alice in Wonderland guy) once upon a time?

You have a special skill, a special talent. Seems like stream of consciousness mostly. In fact, may I borrow it as my next assignment to give to my writers' group? I'll ask them to continue on for another 1,000 words or so. Or maybe I'll make it into a round-robin thing to pass around the table and all fifteen-twenty writers add a sentence or two or three.

***
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Do what you want, I don't care. I find Lewis Carrolls works to be irritating.

Do what you want, I don't care. I find Lewis Carrolls works to be irritating.
Oh, you aren't like him at all. I just wanted to point out how good grammar isn't required for someone to become a famous writer.

Which authors have you liked?

Patrick Rothfuss

I had to look him up (have been retired from Libraryland for two years now, so am not up on new authors). He sounds really good: "A high-action story written with a poet's hand, The Name of the Wind is a masterpiece that will transport readers into the body and mind of a wizard."

Thanks. You've just blessed me with a new author!

Have you read Pier Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series?

I just checked my library's online catalog. The Rothfuss book is out, so will reserve it.

Everyday wisdom by dr frank crane is interesting as well, if you can find it.

Have you read Pier Anthony's Incarnations of Immortality series?

Do you know Crane wrote ten volumes using that title?

It sounds a bit like Bunkhouse Logic by Ben Stein.


Everyday wisdom by dr frank crane is interesting as well, if you can find it.
Of course, I can find it. I'm a librarian. :D

I really don't read, I stick to audiobooks.

I really don't read, I stick to audiobooks.
That's reading. I used to be the homebound librarian and supplied people in nursing homes with audiobooks. My 92 y/o mil swears by her Kindle.

I'm glad I've met you. I like to be around people who like good authors.

I have a problem with reading comprehension, I can read a whole book and not remember anything, probably why I flunked out of college.

Then an audiobook is the perfect solution for you! Many textbooks are available as audio now. Schools are finally waking up.

Have you ever found out what the comprehension problem is caused by?

Probably laziness and apathy.

Naw, as an educator and counselor who has worked with a lot of students with problems, I'm guessing it's not those two things.

You've got the cart before the horse. If anything, 0there's an organic reason and that's what causes laziness and apathy.

Have you ever been tested?

For?

We don't know. That's why the tests, to find out. You're definitely a good writer, but the wiring goes in only in one direction for some reason.

Did you comprehend Rothfuss's story?

We'll to be honest I would rather not know.


Did you comprehend Rothfuss's story?

I got them on audiobooks, though I did read "the hobbit". Took awhile but I can remember that one.

I got them on audiobooks, though I did read "the hobbit". Took awhile but I can remember that one.
So hearing is fine for comprehension. It's just the printed words that are difficult.

Have you ever read anything that you easily comprehended?

What about short things, like one paragraph and that's all you read?

I didn't do so well with Imperial Grunts: The American Military on the Ground by
Robert D. Kaplan

And textbooks were impossible, I bet.

Short stories aren't so bad either.



Textbooks, where a good way to learn how to read and think about other things at the same time.

What level were you at in college?

Do you want to try again, or go in a different direction, and like, if you could be anything, what would you be?

If I could do anything I would join law enforcement, that is never going to happen though.



I did two years of college.

Textbooks, where a good way to learn how to read and think about other things at the same time.
So it was hard to focus on the reading. Too much else to think about. Too easy to get sidetracked.

The words and what they said were boring?


If I could do anything I would join law enforcement, that is never going to happen though.
Of course it can. You haven't even found out why the poor comprehension. You haven't even begun to fight and lick this.

I just didn't care, I don't want to do it.



You think I was just venting in my original post? I can't own firearms, kind of necessity. On top of that I would never pass a psych eval.

You think I was just venting in my original post? I can't own firearms, kind of necessity. On top of that I would never pass a psych eval.
There's all kinds of law enforcement careers.

Not the kind I want to do.

You have checked them all out?

I think you'd be a good public defender. Or a PO.

I have been trying to join, my employment history, being committed several times, my lack of education, and other factors will see to it that it doesn't happen.

Why not take one bite at a time?

First, ask your doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist to set you up with someone who will test your reading comprehension to find out what's going on with your brain's wiring. Also, get your meds figured out so you can sleep and function normally.

Until that's done, we're nowhere.

Yeah I don't think I am too interested in being fixed, I kind of gave up on that a long time ago, besides no matter what happens my failures will always loom over my head, I know I need to move on, but I know I never will. Anyway I am headed to bed got to work in the morning.

It's to a.m. here in Chicagoland. I'm going to turn into a pumpkin soon if I don't go to bed.

Will you be here on Friday? I will be here and snowed in.

Good grief -- you're still just a baby! You can't give up yet!! MY SHOES ARE OLDER THAN YOU!

You see for me I have an issue, and that is work or doing something I don't want to do makes me urge for the release that death provides. Of course I could quit working and accept welfare or something, but I would not be able to maintain the lifestyle I currently have. I really don't want help and that's what I want people to realize, I am a lost cause, there are things I do enjoy but I can't do them if I have to do things I don't want to do. I am just tired.

Love your name Unluckymattress. It shows you have a good sense of humor.

Tick

Yeah, finding things funny, what a great talent. Finding things funny is really easy when everything is a joke.

Not exactly the kind of reply I want to open to first thing in the morning, thanks for the downer. Excuse me for being flippant.

You are excused, and allow me to share with you the fact that I am downer. Trust me I have nothing good to say and I can always come up with a negative response to what people have to say, welcome to my life.

The more you focus on the negative the more you attract that to you. If you start saying better things, focusing on more positive things then maybe things will slowly change for the better. That is up to you to do, no one can change the way you think about yourself or you're life. Hoping that one day you will learn to change the way you think and the way you respond, that you will turn things around. It takes effort. Time. No one can hand you everything you want. You need to work for it, part of life. Trials come and go, it is what you learn from them that is important.

Joe, joe, joe, you say that like I asked to be here, on this planet. You can't focus on the positive when there is nothing positive, lying to myself is not something I am willing to do. Saying and thinking better things does not make things get better, you can only get better if you have the ability to do so, which I do not. It is the same as telling a cancer patient that all they need is to think positively about their condition and they will get better. It doesn't take a doctor to look at my life and realize that it is just a waste. Yes there are people that can hand me everything I want, and that is what it would take, I will not do any trials, tests, or lessons to please those around me, I have no reason to. I have tried and been stopped on three separate occasions of trying to kill myself, and none of these people felt they had the responsibility of taking care of me after they stopped me, no one does. As soon as I work up the courage to do it again, I will, and if someone finds me, (believe me the last time I tried I really went out of my way to hide myself). And they stop me, and they don't take the responsibility of making me happy for the rest of my life, then I don't know what I would do. So that's where I stand, two options, I either get everything on a silver platter or die, and I am happy with either outcome, but as long as I stand here I will be miserable and I will be negative, I have no talents, there is nothing good about me, it is not a self-esteem thing, it is real, it has been confirmed and that is all there is. I have no right to be here, I have nothing to offer, I don't want to be here. Screw working for it, I am not going to join some horse and pony show workforce to make someone fat cat happy like everyone else does. I do not need a job to feel happy and fulfilled in life, I can always find something better to do, such as killing myself. I mean I am tired of hearing the same old sayings and pep talks, they don't work I tried. If you got something new to say I am willing to give it a shot, till then my path is set.

You need to read the book The Secret...

I have no talents
You're a darn good writer--or have I said that already?

I'll trade age with you, so at least you will be old and ugly and falling apart if you kill yourself (and no one will wonder why). I'll take your youth and good health in a New York minute. Then I will be able to do all the things I haven't had time for.