My son is a year old now and his father has been in and out of his life, we've been involved with the court system since our sons been 4 months old. His father has had 8 hour visitations (once a week) for 4 months now and he's only gotten him for two of those. I've asked him to relinquish his rights, which he hasn't gotten our son or paid child support since I've asked (5 weeks ago). He claims that this isn't an easy decision and needs time to think. I've given my sons father many chances to "step up" and I've even reminded him of visitation days and even that he gets our son for holidays as well. He just seems like he doesn't care about our son, and its killing me. My son calls My boyfriend dad and my boyfriend is wanting to get married in June and adopt my son. My son needs a father, is there anything I can do or what should I do?

This is another sad situation - unfortunately you cannot force someone to be a father. You cannot force him to be interested in the child, visit with the child or even stay in contact with the child. The Court, of course, can force the father to pay support, but that's about it.

In MOST States you need to marry your boyfriend in order for him to adopt the child. The Courts feel that if he isn't committed enough to marry you he's not committed enough to raise your child.

The other issue is that you have to have the permission of the father in order for your boyfriend to adopt.

This CAN come down to "sign the papers, allow the child to be adopted and I won't pursue support." Sometimes the father agrees, sometimes he doesn't.

Is the father ORDERED to pay support? If so, go back to Court and hound him.

This has got to be frustrating for you but, again, you can't force or order someone to be a good parent.

Yes, he owes just over 1400 as of last week. The worst part is he can never make up his mind, One month he might get him 1-2 times a week then next month he doesn't come around at all. I understand he's young (21) but I'm 18 and I feel like I'm 41. I guess I just don't know how I should go about dealing with my sons father. Thank you very much for your help.

Yes, he owes just over 1400 as of last week. The worst part is he can never make up his mind, One month he might get him 1-2 times a week then next month he doesn't come around at all. I understand he's young (21) but I'm 18 and I feel like I'm 41. I guess I just don't know how I should go about dealing with my sons father. Thank you very much for your help.


I can't imagine what the ups and downs are like. When the child is older if the father continues this behavior it's really going to hurt your child.

Maybe this is one of those situations where you hope and pray he wanders off, you marry, your husband adopts the child. That way you don't have to deal with an indecisive father for the next 21 years.

I'd be back in Court haunting him for the support. I know it's upsetting and time consuming but he's got to either shape up or... whatever.

I have one of these situations in my family - the father fought and fought and there was Court Hearing after Court Hearing over visitation. He was awarded visitation - and hasn't seen the child in over a year. What was his point? I have no idea.

Anyway, back to your question - you can't force him to father your child. It's good that you have someone who is willing to be the "Dad." Another situation where the child COULD suffer due to the total immaturity of the father.

I would push and push until you marry and then MAYBE the father will sign the adoption papers.

I don't really care about support at this point anymore. I basically just want him to be gone forever? I know that makes me sound awful and cruel but I'm sick of playing this game back and fourth all the time. Its one or the other. I honestly believe that my sons "father" will sign his rights over because he's terrified of going to jail over not paying. Well at least that's what he tells me.

You should care about support from the angle of putting pressure on him - and I think that's what you are saying. He can't sign his rights over (so to speak) unless/until someone is willing and able to adopt your child in MOST States, of course. I'd pursue child support, keep the heat on him.

Did you know that he just can't sign off without someone else stepping in? Here's some great info - https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-law/signing-over-rights-read-first-116098.html

I would give the same advice if the father posted about a neglectful mother.

I am sorry you can not "force" him to be gone forever. You can not force him to sign over his rights, If he was a child molester or some serious danger to the child most likely he may loose them but even then not always.

Next normally unless you are married (and why are you not if he wants to be the daddy, then he should be the husband also) but most states require you to be married for at least a year before he can even attempt to adopt.

But yes really pushing child support is about the only way, but you are way to early to ask him, since you need to get boyfriend ready to be the daddy legally.

I dont really care about support at this point anymore. I basically just want him to be gone forever? I know that makes me sound awful and cruel but I'm sick of playing this game back and fourth all the time. Its one or the other. I honestly believe that my sons "father" will sign his rights over because he's terrified of going to jail over not paying. well at least thats what he tells me.

And are you going to let your son know he's adopted by his stepfather--if that happens? Or are you going to make sure that he knows he has a different biological father?

Kids have the right to their medical history if nothing else from biological parents.

You really need to be honest with your child about his biological roots.

That means that you can never just have his biological father "gone forever".

I've asked him to relinquish his rights, which he hasn't gotten our son or paid child support since I've asked (5 weeks ago).

First, forget about this. You cannot ask him to just give up his rights. Did you read the sticky note, Judy linked you to? Only a court can terminate parental rights. And you are not at the point where that will happen.

After you are married and fulfill the requirements in your area for a step parent adoption, your, now husband, can petition a court to adopt your son. As part of that process, the bio father will be asked to agree by relinquishing his rights. So you have time before this happens. In the meantime you need to push the father to pay what he owes in support.

Be aware, though, that if the bio father refuses this is unlikely to happen. As you point out he may be immature, but at some point, he may wake up to the joys of parenthood. Frankly, a 1 yr old is not very easy to be around. When your son is 3 or more (which he will probably be before an adoption will occur), he may grow up and realize what a precious thing your son is. And he will want to be a part of his son's life. On the other hand, he may decide the financial burden is not worth it, which is why you need to keep the pressure on for support.

I have talked to three different lawyers and they've told me that if he doesn't pay/and or see our child for a year, it is abandonment and the court will take away all of his rights. I am getting married in mid June and then we are filing for adoption which at that time my sons "father" will be given papers to sign over his rights or he has the option to fight it in court. Also "cannot" isn't in my vocab, I can and I did ask my sons "father" to sign over his rights, honestly I more or less put it on the table for him as an option. My sons father won't reply to any of my calls or text messages, he's asked me to give him the papers now and he'll sign them. My son deserves a father now, not when he's 3.

I have talked to three different lawyers and they've told me that if he doesn't pay/and or see our child for a year, it is abandonment and the court will take away all of his rights. I am getting married in mid June and then we are filing for adoption which at that time my sons "father" will be given papers to sign over his rights or he has the option to fight it in court. Also "cannot" isn't in my vocab, I can and I did ask my sons "father" to sign over his rights, honestly I more or less put it on the table for him as an option. My sons father wont reply to any of my calls or text messages, he's asked me to give him the papers now and he"ll sign them. My son deserves a father now, not when he's 3.


What State? This is totally foreign law to me, both the abandonment/loss of rights and adoption immediately after a marriage.

Whether "cannot" is in your vocabulary or not is immaterial. It's whether the law recognizes what you want to do that counts. I'm tenacious but when the law says "no," that's how it is.

The sad part is that your child deserved a father from the day he was born. Was the father always this disinterested in having a child or did he change his thinking once you became pregnant and/or the child was born?

I have talked to three different lawyers and they've told me that if he doesn't pay/and or see our child for a year, it is abandonment and the court will take away all of his rights. I am getting married in mid June and then we are filing for adoption which at that time my sons "father" will be given papers to sign over his rights or he has the option to fight it in court. Also "cannot" isn't in my vocab, I can and I did ask my sons "father" to sign over his rights, honestly I more or less put it on the table for him as an option. My sons father wont reply to any of my calls or text messages, he's asked me to give him the papers now and he"ll sign them. My son deserves a father now, not when he's 3.

1) Where are you? While many areas do have laws similar to what you were told, the practical matter is the courts won't enforce them. The rationale is the parent isn't using the rights so why terminate them? So, from a practical standpoint, its not going to happen unless its part of the adoption process.

2) OK, let me rephrase that. Yes you CAN ask, but asking doesn't mean it will happen. Even if he were to sign some sort of paper relinquishing his rights, it would be meaningless unless a court approved it and I very much doubt that a court will approve it except as part of an adoption.

3) Your son apparently has a father figure, your boyfriend. A father is not necessarily just the person who helped conceive the child. It's the person who raises the child. The adoption, when it takes place, and I believe it will when the requirements are fulfilled, will only make it official that your (now) boyfriend is his father. So saying that you child "deserves a father now, not when he's 3" doesn't make a lot of sense.

Bottom line here is you are not likely to get a court to terminate the bio father's rights except as part of the adoption process. So find out what is needed to complete that process and work towards that.

I am in Indiana, Once I am married, we can file for a stepparent adoption. If my sons father agrees then it will be quick and easy but if he doesn't terminate his rights on the adoption papers then we can fight it in court and they will/could take his rights away and go through with the visitation if he hasn't supported the child/exercised his visitation in 6 months. http://www.kirsh.com/PracticeAreas/Termination-of-Parental-Rights.asp

Everyone has an opinion, for being 18 I'm doing a great job. You can't force people to grow up, honestly in my heart Im doing what's best for my son. So judge me

Everyone has an opinion, for being 18 I'm doing a great job. You can't force people to grow up, honestly in my heart Im doing whats best for my son. So go ahead and judge me


I don't understand your attitude, particularly toward me. I'm trying to help you and figure this out for myself. I checked the website you posted. I can, of course, only address my experience with NY Courts, but I cannot believe the laws are that different. No one is judging you.

The day you serve the birth father (if that's a term you can live with) all he has to do is ask to see the child, pay "some" support, make a phone call and he's no longer abandoning the child. Maybe he'll do that, maybe he won't.

All "we" are trying to do is show you both sides of the scenario. If there is a possibility that the adoption can be set aside in the future I would not spend the time and money now. If several Attorneys gave you the same information (and it sounds to me like they are guaranteeing results which does not happen and, in fact, is not allowed in NY), then I would believe them.

Please don't just abandon "us" here at AMHD but come back after the marriage and adoption and tell us that it is possible under your circumstances in Indiana.

I realize you are doing what you believe is best for your child. No one is criticizing you for that. "We" just don't think your legal advice is sound.

I hope you can come back and prove "us" wrong - we're always happy to learn something that will help the next person.

I am in Indiana, Once I am married, we can file for a stepparent adoption. If my sons father agrees then it will be quick and easy but if he doesn't terminate his rights on the adoption papers then we can fight it in court and they will/could take his rights away and go through with the visitation if he hasn't supported the child/exercised his visitation in 6 months. Termination of Parental Rights | Indiana Adoption Lawyers | Adopting a Child with Special Needs (http://www.kirsh.com/PracticeAreas/Termination-of-Parental-Rights.asp)

I checked that site and I don't see anything I disagree with or different then what we have said. The issue is that the courts CAN terminate rights involuntarily. It doesn't mean they will. If the father fights it, they are not likely to do so. They are likely to give him time to establish his relationship with his son, then revisit the issue if he doesn't.

But that doesn't appear to be the issue here. It appears he is willing, so it should be easy. But only as part of the adoption process not separately. This is totally in agreement with that site you linked to.


Everyone has an opinion, for being 18 I'm doing a great job. You can't force people to grow up, honestly in my heart Im doing whats best for my son. So go ahead and judge me

No one is judging you. We are trying to help you by explaining to you the facts of the law. I'm totally sure you are doing what is best for your child. You just needed to understand the right way to do it. Asking the father to sign something relinquishing his rights is not the right way,

Having your husband (after you marry) file to adopt your son and having the bio-father agree to the adoption is the right way.