My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, he has a son that is 10 years old. I love his son as if he were my own and I want to do what's right by him. My boyfriend's ex wife, we'll call her R, is really bugging me right now so I am looking for advice on what I should do here...
My boyfriend's son, W, has been getting in trouble at school quite a bit here lately. So last time that I heard he was in trouble again (I found out by fluke, it was his moms week so he wasn't with us) I emailed the teacher to find out what exactly is going on and if she would like to meet with me to discuss this. The teacher did in fact want to meet and even scheduled the meeting so that the principal could join us.
I found out that W was getting in trouble to talking back to all of the school faculty that he dealt with, for yelling out negative comments and just being disruptive. The teacher told me that this was beyond just talking to W about and that it was time we take action to stop this behavior. They decided that from now on W is not going to get any more warnings, he's going to get written up and sent to the principal's office as soon as he gets in trouble. The teacher is also going to email me if he ever gets in trouble so that I know since R doesn't keep me up to date on things. The teacher really likes W and so does the principal, they were very nice and helpful so I really felt better about this whole thing.
As soon as I left the school I went to boyfriend's shop and told him what they said, and wrote it down so I could remember any details later. I asked him if he felt that I should go tell R (W's mom) cause I felt that that would be the right thing to do, and he agreed, so I texted her to see if I could come over.
I told her everything that the teacher and principal said (except that they are going to be emailing me). I told her that they said that W's been spending a lot more time in the hall way and what he's always in trouble for. She said she didn't realize he was getting in trouble quite so much, and that she didn't let him get on the computer for a day last time as a punishment.
This was all last week, yesterday we got W for our week. When he got home he told me that R thought that I was going overboard on the whole thing. She's always handled problems with W just by talking to him, and that's all that she really feels needs to be done now.
That's what really bothers me, I feel (and so does everybody else) that we need to teach W right now right from wrong and stop this behavior, I know that its normal for a kid to do these kinds of things but that doesn't mean we ignore them, and when they keep happening we have to do more than just talk to them about it.
So at our house W is grounded right now, he gets less than an hour of TV on school nights, less than 2 on weekends, and he doesn't get to go to kids club (an after-school program at his school). I hate that we have to be the 'bad guys' towards him and that his mom won't step up and even things out a bit. I don't want him to not want to come stay with us just because we don't let him get away with things...
He is a really good kid overall, other than talking back he doesn't really get in trouble, and you know he talks back to his teachers, and to his mom, but he does not talk back to me or give me attitude at all about anything. He knows that I won't accept it, and we both respect each other the way we should.
So I don't know what to do about R, she's one of those kinds of people that if you just look at her wrong she'll chew your *** out, my boyfriend doesn't even talk to her, if we need to communicate with her, I'm the one that does it, which is fine with me I like it that way, until I need him to stand up to her as W's father and tell her what he doesn't like. She acts like since she's mom she's always right.
Ideally I would like to get W on school days, and she can have him on weekends and holidays or something, but I know that wouldn't fly. Even though she did that to my boyfrind once, moved four hours away and we only got him on holidays and 3 day weekends.
So anyway any advice or insight I can get would be much appreciated- this is really bothering me right now

As a teacher, I would like to thank you for your involvement in this child's life and education. If more parents/guardians did so, we would be able to get far more actual teaching done each day.

I do want to ask, however, are you listed on the forms at school to be provided information on him? If not, this is something that should be taken care of.

If you usually have a good relationship with W's mother, then continue to work with her to find a compromise on how best to deal with the behavior concerns, but don't push it. Do keep in mind that you are his father's girlfriend. Like it or not, many would see it as you should play a supporting role to the child's mother and father.

If you don't have a very good "working" relationship, it would be better coming from W's father. That he appears to leave it all up to you, does his son a disservice.

His mother likely feels a bit defensive to have you tell her what is going on with him, knowing more about the situation than she does, and giving her suggestions on how she should handle it. Are you correct? Sure, but many parents have a difficult time being told how to parent, even when they know the information is correct.

Since she had been unaware as to the extent of the problem, maybe suggest she set up a conference with the teacher herself to discuss the concerns. At ten, it really does need to be addressed now. If you don't get a handle on it now, and turns things around, imagine what it may be like when he is 15. Respect needs to be taught early on and be ongoing.

You likely won't be able to persuade her to follow what you are doing, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. It appears that she does address it with him. Parents parent differently, even within the same household. He will adjust to the differences in the two households. I think as long as you keep respect a priority, he won't have an issue of things being handled differently. Two different households, two ways of handling some things that come up... just a matter of fact. It really is that simple.

You keep doing what you are doing, sounds like great parenting. You cannot stress over what the mother does, because you have no control over it.

What a fantastic job you both are doing with W! Others may say you are a bit too involved, but on the strength of it; you care to oversee this little mans personal development and growth as if he were your own child. No sensible ex-wife or boyfriend could wish for more.

Having said that; although R agenda and style of discipline is different to yours, the result you need to focus on and have brilliantly achieved is within your own household; absolute love and respect etc! W will come to realise what he can get away with his Mother as opposed to you and his Father, which is only natural. Children need boundaries, a stable environment, and sense of order which you both appear to provide. That is not playing the bad guy!

When it comes to hearing R comments via W, keep it upbeat if and when you respond. Just remember to keep those negative opinions to yourself. Ha! Their ears are like receptive transmitters on hearing anyone talk about their Mother Etc. because it will only go backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards and before you know it you will have stomach knots.

It occurs to me that if she had to talk to the principle herself about the little guys behavior a bit more, she may sing a different tune, and be more serious about his behavior. It also occurs to me that DAD should be lighting a hotter fire under his butt about his behavior. Or does dad need some fire under his own butt.

I love what you are doing, but is it too much for everyone to play a role in this? THEY are his parents, and neither should be let off the hook.