Everyone has been very helpful with me pertaining to giving my girlfriend space. She called me again last night and we had an hour long light hearted conversation that eventually (on her terms) became about our relationship. She said she didn't know what to do. I replied that I am trying to give her the space she requested and am surprised that she isn't taking it.

She said that she feels like she wants it, but then at the end of the day she can't help but wonder what I'm doing, etc. Said that if we didn't work out she is afraid I wouldn't speak with her anymore.

That part of the conversation sort of shifted to things we can work on to try to make our relationship better. Efforts we can make. How it may be a good thing that she has moved home with her parents, because in her tiny apartment we were always face to face with not much else to do but bicker. She invited me down on Sunday after her parents leave town to help her move some things, put together a futon, etc. I said I'd be there, and the conversation ended on good terms.
-------


Anyway, on to my question. She is a beautiful girl. A very friendly one too. Consequently, she has a lot of guys who try to meet her. A lot.

She tries to justify their intentions in her own mind and even admits that when we first met she thought I just wanted to be her friend (but that she liked me from the beginning). Anyhow, she still has contact with a couple of her exes (she claims to generally dislike both of them and only replies to text messages, IM's, etc. when they contact her... she doesn't like to be rude to ANYONE). She's also got a friend that outright asked her out once (she declined), but they talk fairly often through text message. He is her boss's son and has a ton of money. I'm kind of insecure about that, as I am working on my degree and am far from rich. Yet she practically gushes over him when it comes to his sports abilities and how funny he is.

I was never really very jealous about her--never felt the urge to check her cell phone or anything like that--until she lied to me about one of the exes. Initially said she had no contact with him, then the next day had a text message conversation with him... and never mentioned having a boyfriend or anything (she told me this). Since then, I have succumbed to the urge to check her cell phone sometimes (she has done the same to me). It makes me even more paranoid because ever since we met she has made a point of turning her phone off or moving it to silent when we are together. Claims that she doesn't want to be distracted when we're together because a couple of her girlfriends ring a lot.

The ex that she lied about in particular makes me feel awkward because she was in contact with him while seeing her last boyfriend too. And after she split with her last boyfriend she slept with the other ex a few more times before meeting me.

I know she enjoys the attention, and I do not think that she is outright cheating with any of these people. I still feel like she is playing with fire. Encouraging them. What's the best way to approach her about this, or should I even bother? She already knows it bugs me, because we've both had heart to hearts about how it makes me feel and I've tried to angry/jealous approach (never helps ANYTHING).

Well if the question is about jealousy then that is easy? No reason to bring jealousy into the relationship. It is one of the biggest relationship killers. It is hard to fathom that you girlfriend when you are not around will be going out to places and flirting with guys but that is reality. Everyone does it and it is hard for many men to be OK with. You have to realize that she is with you and as long as you give her the space and not control her into only talking to you the relationship will be that much stronger.

I am not saying to not bring it up because if it is tearing you up then bring it up to her. There are just different approaches. You need to do the 3 step approach in my opinion. Bring up the problem you have and then explain exactly why it bothers you and do it specifically but then end it by saying something good about her that even though this thing bothers you that you still care about her and that is why it is being brought up.

But in your situation right now I say keep it to yourself. She wants space and that conversation will just make it worse. You are still not giving her space and you need to stop letting her play you and go away so she can figure out what she wants. You talk about your relationship all the time but she initially asked for space. Whether she calls you or no you need to let her know if she asked for space you are going to give it to her. And have her not call you until she figures out what she wants. But I have a feeling you will stay as the whipping boy for a while and let her make up her mind very slowly and keep you waiting.

I agree with nohitter.. but I have a little more to say..

Why don't you see why she likes talking to him so much. Is he really worth sacrificing you ? Try to keep some distance though, since she wants space. But I recommend talking to her about it, communication is the key. Don't keep it to yourself, because it will keep irritating you and the jealousy will become worse. My boyfriend talked to his ex, and when I told him it made me uncomfortable he stopped talking to her because I am more important to him then a friendship with his ex. Try asking if she prefers talking to him over you, there has got to be a reason for her to keep talking to him, she obviously wants to since she hasn't made the innitiative to stop. Tell her you know she wants space but you just can't take her talking to one of her ex bfs because you feel as if you're not pleasing her and she needs something more. Tell her you're uncomfortable and if she cares more about you then him, then she'll see that and stop talking to him.

Well if the question is about jealousy then that is easy? No reason to bring jealousy into the relationship. It is one of the biggest relationship killers. It is hard to fathom that you girlfriend when you are not around will be going out to places and flirting with guys but that is reality. Everyone does it and it is hard for many men to be OK with. You have to realize that she is with you and as long as you give her the space and not control her into only talking to you the relationship will be that much stronger.

Thank you for that, Nohitter. The jealousy bug really started to bite me after she told that initial lie about her ex. Hell, I didn't even ask about him. She just started randomly telling the lies to make herself look better and to make me like her more.


I am not saying to not bring it up because if it is tearing you up then bring it up to her. There are just different approaches. You need to do the 3 step approach in my opinion. Bring up the problem you have and then explain exactly why it bothers you and do it specifically but then end it by saying something good about her that even though this thing bothers you that you still care about her and that is why it is being brought up.

I've sort of tried that approach but my thoughts are always jumbled. Especially given the situation right now, it's probably best to swallow my fears and try to give her the benefit of the doubt. She just called me, actually... invited me over and says how bored she is. I told her I can't make it and have stuff to do (I do) but maybe will be by later tonight.



But in your situation right now I say keep it to yourself.

Noted.


She wants space and that conversation will just make it worse. You are still not giving her space and you need to stop letting her play you and go away so she can figure out what she wants. You talk about your relationship all the time but she initially asked for space. Whether she calls you or no you need to let her know if she asked for space you are going to give it to her. And have her not call you until she figures out what she wants. But I have a feeling you will stay as the whipping boy for a while and let her make up her mind very slowly and keep you waiting.

I told her last night how weird it was for me that she kept calling when she said she wanted space. She pretty much said that she just keeps thinking about me no matter what. Now she calls me and invites me over because she's bored. I miss the hell out of her but I'm kind of glad I'm busy for at least a few more hours. How the hell is she going to miss ME when I'm at her beckon call?



I plan to not even push the subject. I haven't brought it up the past two nights since she asked for space. She is the one who has. So I'm leaving it. She wants to talk? I'll talk, but I'm not just going to let her set the terms for everything. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I love her, but I'm not going to just be the whipping boy that you described.

Sunday is too soon to be called into "move furniture."

I'd give her a friendly ring and offer the idea of a little more time to yourself, (and herself). You may find you end with more ability to go through this on your terms than you think. And her ears a bit more open when you talk.

You may be surprised to find the little bit of control you are taking for yourself this week does not result in you being punished with her leaving you next week. Just the opposite. Whether this girl is or isn't "the one", you will have learned some self-confidence that will hold you in good stead when that time/person comes along. She'll see you are a... man.

Moreover, "boredom" is not a very inspiring reason for her to invite you over. I mean why doesn't she just say: "I realized my lint drawer in the dryer is full - wanna clean it...and can you bring me some smokes...?"
OR
"There's nothing good on TV, so i called you....Yawn. Do you have premium cable?"

C'mon - this is my man CG :-)
I just don't think she's getting it.

In the words of my cantankerous great grandfather and oilman: Hear me now. Believe me later.

Rock on CG - whether you move furniture or not

I agree with nohitter.. but I have a little more to say..

Why don't you see why she likes talking to him so much. Is he really worth sacrificing you ?

She has told me about she is willing to sacrifice them for me, but I kind of always walk off feeling like a head for even approaching the subject. Maybe in time I could just write her a letter... take a couple of days and re-read it to make sure it summarizes my feelings and then approach it that way.


Try to keep some distance though, since she wants space.

She just called again to see if I will come down tonight. I said I probably would but kept somewhat aloof. It's not my job to entertain her, right?


But I recommend talking to her about it, communication is the key. Don't keep it to yourself, because it will keep irritating you and the jealousy will become worse. My boyfriend talked to his ex, and when I told him it made me uncomfortable he stopped talking to her because I am more important to him then a friendship with his ex.

How did you really know he stopped? Did you do shady things like check his phone or did you just take him at his word? Had he ever lied to you in the past?


Try asking if she prefers talking to him over you, there has got to be a reason for her to keep talking to him, she obviously wants to since she hasn't made the innitiative to stop.

Deep inside I know you she prefers me. We wouldn't be together every night if she didn't. But she hates conflicts and wants to be friends with the entire world... even the snakes.


Tell her you know she wants space but you just can't take her talking to one of her ex bfs because you feel as if you're not pleasing her and she needs something more. Tell her you're uncomfortable and if she cares more about you then him, then she'll see that and stop talking to him.

I don't think I'm even going to talk to her about it... yet. It's just going to damage an already fragile situation. Like Wildcat said, I need to be "fun guy" right now.


Sunday is too soon to be called into "move furniture."

I'd give her a friendly ring and offer the idea of a little more time to yourself, (and herself). You may find you end with more ability to go through this on your terms than you think. And her ears a bit more open when you talk.


You may be surprised to find the little bit of control you are taking for yourself does not result in you being punished with her leaving you. Just the opposite. Whether this girl is or isn't "the one", you will have learned some self-confidence that will hold you in good stead when that time/person comes along.

In the words of my cantankerous great grandfather and oilman: Hear me now. Believe me later.

Rock on CG - whether you move furniture or not

I'm actually wrestling a little bit with coming down tonight (she has bumped up our "furniture" date to tonight because she's bored). I really want to see her. And I know she wants to see me.

But I've never cancelled anything on her. Ever. She has done it to me a few times. She doesn't even know how it feels to expect a visit from me and not get it. I don't want to do this just to punish her though. That's not a good reason.

I know it's like the 4th of July when you get to see her.
But if you wish to be strong, and re-read all your posts and WHY you wrote them,
And let her see that YOU are in charge, it will be the best thing for both if you.
You are convenient right now. Not special. Which is fine if you are a player -
But you are not. So be the next best thing: A guy who is not afraid to do what he thinks is right.
Take the break on your terms. You won't lose her. You'll gain things you may not get yet...
And being a cure for boredom is nice, but she may be more eloquent (hopefully) if you do what "you gotta do"..
And (in the words of the street): "handle your bizness".

I guess the big thing from that standpoint would be how to even approach her on it. I don't want to come off as bitter or make her angry or make her feel like I am doing things out of spite or revenge.

So looks like I'm off the hook. Just got a text message from her that said she was sorry, but she isn't going to be home tonight. Going to her aunt's place.

I'm not going to bother replying. She'll probably just end up calling again later anyway, wondering if I'm mad or something...

If she calls, don't answer. In fact, if you have some sort of way of leaving town that would be a fairly good move. See how she gets to walk all over you and you get nothing?

I was strongly considering not coming by tonight anyway. But I can see how you might perceive it as her walking all over me.

Still, in her defense, if her aunt called to invite her over (knowing that her parents left for the weekend) it wouldn't exactly be easy for her to turn her down. Her folks didn't even know I was coming, so she had no real excuse. Certainly wasn't about to tell her aunt that I was on my way.

Still, she often chickens out and sends me texts rather than calling when she sets me up for "disappointment". Just like the "we need a break" message the other night. Avoiding conflict. In this case, there wouldn't have been any. She didn't break my heart.

If I don't hear from her tonight it's a sure bet that she'll be ringing again tomorrow. The way things are going, I would think she'll probably buzz me tonight.

Thing is, I'm kind of afraid that if I don't answer or have anything to do with her that she'll just think that I'm angry. I'm not. I'm kind of at a loss about what's the best thing to do. I don't want to make her think that I'm angry or punishing her or anything like that. Not answering her calls when I am available seems childish and rude in my opinion.

So don't be available - find something else to do! Go to a movie or something. It's not like you have no options, here.

There is a book called "why men love es", well I often wonder if the psychology could work the other way in this scenario as well. Sometimes Distance and Self-Confidence does amazing things to relationships.

So she ended up staying home and invited me down again. Apologized for being so back and forth. I went down, and on the way she called me and we talked some. She said she missed me and I said, "I thought you wanted a break." She said, "I'm obviously not taking a break from you, bonehead!" We laughed, and I ended up going over.

We had a great night together. She told me she loved me and admitted that she never really considered breaking up with me that much, she just felt too pressured with everything going on at home and whatnot. I asked her if she was sure it was love because the situation became so odd, and she said if it wasn't then it was infatuation because she thinks about me all the time and can't make herself stay away.

I spent the night, we got up this morning and she made breakfast for me. We hung out for a little while on the couch and she had a couple coffees, then started running all over the place doing work around the house as if I didn't exist. I eventually asked her what was up because she was kind of acting funny. She briefly brought up the needing her own space thing, but we continued to discuss a little more.

When we finally got to the bottom of things, she admitted that she was paranoid that her aunt or sister may stop by. She had told her parents already that we were on break and they specifically told her not to have any guys over while they were on their trip.

Said she may go over to my place a little later today.

Before we got to the bottom of all that though I think I may have come off a little too sadsack with her. Should have probably just left as soon as she acted funny, but instead I kind of panicked and we started falling back into heavy conversation about the relationship.

I brought it up to her that if her parents met me then they might be put at ease. See, the biggest problem there (besides our 6 year + age difference) is that her last relationship ended VERY badly. Restraining order badly. So I think her folks are looking out for her. She accused me of pressuring her when I brought up meeting the family, so I said I understood (she needs to get on good terms with them *herself* first).

I kind of rushed out of the place and she gave me a quick peck and thanked me for coming over, but I think I probably didn't handle it quite right. Def. came off a little too confused/sad with her "booting me out" before I realized that she was just totally paranoid about getting caught with me there so shortly after moving back home.

Hopefully she'll call me in a bit and still plans to come down here, but who knows with her current state of mind? She's juggling an awful lot right now between trying to mend family relationships, school, work, and trying to make our relationship work. I feel kind of bad about putting any pressure on her whatsoever, but I didn't fully understand the situation yet either...



Guess we still need to work on our communication. But I feel like we're getting there! And no, I still haven't initiated contact.

I do not think you understand the principles of no contact... How old is this girl and how old are you, by the way? How much do her parents factor into her decision making?

I just turned 26, she will be 20 in a few months. Her mother in particular is very controlling and they sometimes have issues because of it. My girlfriend has told her lies in the past in order to do the things that she wants to do because her mom will more or less cut her out completely if she "messes up". She was kicked out of the house before for what most people would view as minor acts of disobedience or simple mistakes.

She's trying to sort things out between them before bringing me back into the picture (at least, back into the picture that her parents see).

You are likely hosed.
But the good news is you had some solid pro info to work with here. What you do with it is/was your call.
Would it be too much to share what you do for a living?
Just want to gauge how much free time you have for her and her "boredom" :-)

Full time student. And what makes you think I'm hosed?

Well, you're not hosed if you know things are the same :-)

What I mean is nothing has been solved, but that's OK as long as you know that.
Just have fun and try not to stress about what happens.
A lot of people gave you some good advice: No hitter, Lay Low, LBP, Teaching...
On learning to give space. Just because she called you does not mean you gave her space. She and you would benefit from time alone. She is nowhere near improved since you began your entries. It's OK. Have fun, but know that you're not in control so just go with it as long as it lasts...

I think you're right that not all our problems have been solved, but at least I'm getting more pieces of the puzzle. I called a little earlier (I know, not something people here would recommend) and apologized if I made her feel guilty or anything with my reaction to her unusual behavior and explained that I thought about it and realized that she wasn't acting odd because of me. It was just that she was worried about her aunt/sister catching us (as she kind of round-about explained), and I didn't pick up on it right at first.

She said she wasn't worried about it at all and blew it off as nothing. Said her sister is coming up to spend the night tonight so she won't be able to come down. That was about the extent of it. No arguing, no fighting, nothing like that. At least she now knows that I recognized *my* part in the awkwardness. Plus, she knows that I wasn't outwardly trying to make her feel bad or anything.

Just seemed like a kind of odd morning after such a good night. I'll probably have to get used to that for a while if we're going to make things work. Hopefully she's still willing to keep trying. She certainly took a big chance last night by having me down!

Holy crap, man, it seems like you're a text book case! This calling and apologizing stuff... It's bad! Very, very bad!

Allow me to adopt the spirit of Wildcat:

You are being waaaay too available here - apologizing for leaving early?? Ewwwwwwww!

I'll be you a million bucks that you like her way more than she likes you!

She's a part of your life. PART, not all!!

Disappear! You're busy - be busy!

Just disappear!!

Learn to listen... She's telling you she needs space... SPACE! Not calling everyday and chit chatting - space space space!!

She's a young girl and you're giving her waaaaay too much!! Remember that you need to keep something for yourself - if you do that, she'll want what's not there!! You're going to drive her away!!

For the love of god man be busy and this this disappear!!

Sorry guys, didn't see that post. She called and I was on the phone with her. Haha, ironic. <-- I'm not laughing at the situation, really... just the irony.


Anyhow, my problem with ignoring her calls is that I really don't do it to ANYONE. I feel like it's rude. I can only think of how it would make me feel for her (or anyone) to do the same. Even when she requested a break she made it a point to say that she won't ignore me or anything.

Plus, she knows me. She knows I pretty much always have my cell on me.

I see your point though about being too available. I'm trying to be slightly more unavailable in another way (at least when we're not in person)... she even brought it up last night. She directly asked me (kind of worriedly) if *I* still wanted to be with *her* because I have been so indifferent on the phone. I even kind of dragged out my answer and used that time to let her know that she has been making me feel kind of like a yo-yo and I have come to realize that I don't NEED her just like she doesn't NEED me. But I was willing to work on us if she was.

Dude.







(you've got all the answers here should you wish to use them. Try to enjoy the madness that is a 20 year old lost girl or re-read the posts.)

Cheers

Thanks, Ash. I'm still not really that comfortable with ignoring a lot of her calls and stuff, but I think I might start shutting my phone off during the day at school. Give her a little more time to miss me so I'm not always at her beckon call.

You just don't believe in yourself enough yet.

Do you have any good role models? Father? Grandfather?
If so, consult them. Have fun. Do not stress man. Fight any guilt.
She is taking her dysfunction and wrapping you in it like a cheap suit.

I hope you are studying something that will help you get a good career.
It's about her fitting into your schedule, not the other way around.
But I know that's hard to see right now.

Give yourself permission mentally to picture NEVER calling her.
Just as an exercise. It might bring you a moment of peace despite the fear of losing her.
Just a thought. You are out of control and high as a kite on hormones, but in your quiet hours take stock of your life. Do you have any dreams?
The hard way is usually the best way.

I've talked to my dad. He said if it was him he would take some of her calls but not all of them. If she sticks to just calling each night or whatever he says he would take them, but sometimes in the afternoon if he was doing something else (even something he could stop doing for a moment) he might consider not taking answering or calling back for a while.

He said he doesn't like playing games, but at the same time if you are at a girl's beckon call every second of every day she always knows you'll be there. She's in a power position and knows she can "have" you whenever she wants. So she's not likely to think or wonder about you as much.

If you invite her to do anything she'll only feel obliged to do it if she really really wants to, where if you aren't always there to take her calls she might start trying to find more ways to see you in person. He said he wouldn't ignore her completely because that's just not a nice way to be in his opinion, and if you want things to work out with her you have to both make an effort.

As far as wrapping me in her dysfunction, that's probably a good way to put it. I don't think she's doing it to be viscious or anything though. She's in a tough place with her parents and is torn between wanting to be with me and not wanting to make her relations with them any worse (or, God forbid, to getting kicked out of the house again).

As far as fitting her into my schedule, it's not terribly hard. I do my work, I go to the gym, and I still have a fair bit of free time. I have room to shift things around. She works AND goes to school AND has to try to repair her family relations... so for the time being I have to be somewhat flexible when it comes to spending time together.

If the hard way is the best way then we must be made for each other. :-) It's tough right now, but I can't help but think that if we get over the major hurdle of her family then we can be very happy together.


In response to Nohitter, I don't really understand why you think she is playing me. She's young and she's mixed up about her feelings vs. what she "has to do" in order to survive and get through school. She's not a mean person. Maybe you guys are misunderstanding our relationship based on my descriptions...



My biggest concern right now, to be honest, is that she may try to transition into the "just friends" category if her family situation doesn't improve stat. "It's not fair to either of us, blah blah blah." You know the routine. When she got off the phone with me last night at 7:30 or so she said she'd call me back before bed but never ended up doing it. I'm betting she just fell asleep on the couch watching TV, but either way she didn't follow through. So I'm not answering her next call unless it comes late tonight.

Keeping busy today and keeping my phone in the other room. Gives me some room to not take her call and explain that I wasn't in the room at the time... may start doing that more often, honestly.

This girl is not in ANY position to be a serious girlfriend. NO WAY.
You spend far too much time waiting for her.
She never does what she says. She's a mess.
I know you want her more than an Everest Expedition wants fresh oxygen, but she's going to make you crazy.
Heck, she already has made you crazy.

IF if you can handle that - then just say to yourself this is like going to an amusement park. Enjoy the ride. But if you want to take it seriously - and worry about when and why you answer the phone, you are, as I think I said before, hosed.

Note: if you want to save your sanity, call her up and break up with her. That will guarantee her interest in you.
It'll buy you time to think if this girl is for you. Hard to believe but it probably the only way to keep her interest in you.

Dude, she is interested in me enough to take a chance and have me over to her house when she was specifically told not to. When she could have gotten caught at any time by her other family members. It's not like I'm just chasing some elusive girl who doesn't give a crap if I live or die.

I do think it's like an amusement park though. Bigs ups and downs lately. I worry about when and why I answer the phone because I care about her and would like to continue being a part of her life. I want to play my cards right and ensure that we have the best chance possible.

I agree with allheart as hard as it will be too since you are infatuated with her and allowing her to consume your life, you need to find it in you to break up with her. But don't do it with any bs. Just be like you asked for space and I was trying to give it to you but it doesn't seem to be true space. You need to figure out what you want and being in a relationship doesn't allow either of us the freedom to do that.

Or something like that but anyway just break up with her, She will be upset at first but it will at least peak her interest. Just wait for her to break up with you and be running after her for a long long time.

You responded to my point by saying she is not playing me "just young and mixed up" basically saying she doesn't know what she wants and why should she. She is 20 years old. Age isn't the biggest factor or problem you guys have but if she is mixed up why would you want a relationship with her right now. Let her figure out what she wants and your relationship would have the potential to be there and be strong. Otherwise it will cause you and her a world of hurt and no way it will ever work. NO WAY!! Move on right now and man up because it is your only chance to be with this girl in the long run. The odds are still stacked against you and moving on shouldn't be to get back together but what you are doing is making it a zero chance of reconciliation. Trust me on that.

I agree with allheart as hard as it will be too since you are infatuated with her and allowing her to consume your life, you need to find it in you to break up with her. But don't do it with any bs. Just be like you asked for space and I was trying to give it to you but it doesn't seem to be true space. You need to figure out what you want and being in a relationship doesn't allow either of us the freedom to do that.

We've already had that discussion, and she said that she *thought* she wanted a lot more space but came to realize that it's not what she really wants. She wants to have SOME space but still be with me. I think the "I'm not taking a break from you, bonehead!" line kind of summed it up, but further conversations have made that even clearer. She said she never seriously considered breaking up with me but felt too much pressure over everything.




Or something like that but anyway just break up with her, She will be upset at first but it will at least peak her interest. Just wait for her to break up with you and be running after her for a long long time.

What about patience? Isn't that an option? She's got to deal with her folks, and if I'm still there when the smoke clears that's got to put me in a good light. She's already suffered losses recently and certainly doesn't need me to break up with her when I sincerely don't want to.

And honestly, if she split up with me I would go back to the not initiating contact thing and I really think it would be a matter of days before she tried to mend things. Her eyes don't lie, and no matter how much space she asks for she doesn't want me out of her life.


You responded to my point by saying she is not playing me "just young and mixed up" basically saying she doesn't know what she wants and why should she. She is 20 years old. Age isn't the biggest factor or problem you guys have but if she is mixed up why would you want a relationship with her right now.

Because I care about her and a full on breakup seems like a helluva lot more space than she ever asked for. She acted very worried that I didn't care about her anymore on Saturday night when she called me as I was on my way to her place. Said that I just seemed really indifferent. When the going gets rough her family turns their back on her. We had a conversation a week or so back before the "break" where I told her that I will never turn my back on her as long as she doesn't do it to me. I gave her my word, and girlfriend or not, my word is important to me.


Let her figure out what she wants and your relationship would have the potential to be there and be strong. Otherwise it will cause you and her a world of hurt and no way it will ever work. NO WAY!!

No way it will work in the current situation you mean? Why do you get that feeling? She's trying to straighten things out, and our communication did get a little better over the past 4 or 5 days (even if it still isn't the greatest). Her parents are still on vacation, and the timing would certainly not be ideal even if I did consider breaking up.

After the initial request for "a break" we haven't had a single spat. Things have been a little awkward at times, yes. And I have definitely spent too much of my free time worrying about things (social anxiety is terrible). But I also went from thinking I may never see her again to spending the night with her, having sex, having her tell me she loves me, having her confirm that she doesn't want to break up with me and wants things to work... and now is a good time to just end it?



Move on right now and man up because it is your only chance to be with this girl in the long run. The odds are still stacked against you and moving on shouldn't be to get back together but what you are doing is making it a zero chance of reconciliation. Trust me on that.

What I am doing? Taking her calls? Or worrying? I'm not entirely sure what you are referring to. Sorry if I'm coming off as a jerk or argumentative, but I'm getting opinions across the board from my real life friends/family and on here. For me, this is a dire situation and I don't want to screw things up based on the opinions of disconnected people or faulty advice.

Ohhhh Confused Guy.
We've ALL been there.
You stepped on a love grenade and are on your back calling a medic.
The first-aid has arrived (posts galore). You may need to be sedated to get it though.
You may think a trick or a phone formula will calm your nerves but they won't buddy.


My guess is that you are spiraling out of control and there's nothing you can hear or do
But follow this to a place where it kills you. There's nothing like the chase!
Have fun... ever been to a greyhound track? They never get the rabbit.
You may get it now and then.

But the real girl you haven't even met yet that'll
Knock your socks off and not have a life out of "lifetime" TV is waiting.
You just don't know it it. Until you break up with this "phone girl" - at least for a while, you're going to be a mess -
Just like her.

Hang in there CG. I PROMISE you will look back one day and laugh.
Today, you just want to pull your hair out. The reason you
Are feeling that you are getting not enough help is you need to learn:

a) you don't FIGHT to get a girl back unless you did something wrong.
(if you want more attention. Give less attention.)
b) she is not GF material. Maybe one day. Not now.
c) you (I can tell) don't want a "fun" girl, you want a committed GF and she ain't that
d) if you want this thrill ride of sneaking in, and trying to be boyfriend #1
And survive all this drama, do it. And don't worry about when and how you answer phone. EVER. EVER. EVER.EVER. EVER. EVER.
e) all these games are going to wear you out. You care more than her right now.

What is your possible career? That may give you focus too.
Friends are big at times like this too... focus on them.

ohhhh Confused Guy.
We've ALL been there.
You stepped on a love grenade and are on your back calling a medic.
The first-aid has arrived (posts galore). You may need to be sedated to get it though.
You may think a trick or a phone formula will calm your nerves but they won't buddy.


My guess is that you are spiraling out of control and there's nothing you can hear or do
But follow this to a place where it kills you. There's nothing like the chase!
Have fun... ever been to a greyhound track? They never get the rabbit.
You may get it now and then.

I think part of it is that I've had it in my hands for two months straight, day in day out. Now it's suddenly elusive again.


But the real girl you haven't even met yet that'll
Knock your socks off and not have a life out of "lifetime" TV is waiting.
You just don't know it it. Until you break up with her you're going to be a mess -
Just like her.

I am not ready to break up with her. And like I said, I'm pretty confident if she takes the step to officially split from me she will be ringing me off the hook within a few days. THAT is when I will really initiate the no contact rule... for a little while. I don't WANT her out of my life, so I'm only going to be firm about it for so long.

But splitting now, especially when our terms have improved, seems like a bad idea that will only serve to make us both more miserable.


Hang in there CG. I PROMISE you will look back one day and laugh.

Hope so. I just tried to call the doctor to see about getting medication for anxiety and/or an appointment with a psychiatrist. President's Day though, so no help there. Today feels like a bad, bad day even though nothing has really happened to make me feel that way.


today, you just want to pull your hair out. The reason you
Are feeling that you are getting not enough help is you need to learn:

a) you don't FIGHT to get a girl back unless you did something wrong.
b) she is not GF material. Maybe one day. Not now.
c) you (I can tell) don't want a "fun" girl, you want a committed GF and she ain't that
d) if you want this thrill ride of sneaking in, and trying to be boyfriend #1
And survive all this drama, do it. And don't worry about when and how you answer phone. EVER. EVER. EVER.EVER. EVER. EVER.

What is your possible career? That may give you focus too.
Friends are big at times like this too... focus on them.

You're right, I don't just want a "fun" girl anymore. I've been messing around with them for the past two years. I've found somebody worth holding onto now, so that's where the fight part comes in.

The advice in part d. seems reasonable. I'm a wreck, but I have been through worse. You don't think it's worth worrying about how and when to answer the phone? I'm nitpicking these little details because in addition to me feeling like crap today I want to do everything in my power to increase my odds of keeping us together. I've spent two years as a bitter person, and I haven't allowed myself to get close to anyone.

She IS different, and she hasn't just wormed her way into my heart like so many other girls have tried. It happened naturally, and she pointed out things about me that I didn't think anyone else could see. If I'm not truly in love with her I am most definitely infatuated (as someone else said). My anxiety is through the roof today.


Like I said, I don't see her just cutting me out of her life. I don't think she has it in her to break up with me right now because she is too afraid to lose me (and she will... I'm not going to settle for "friends"). But as each day goes by and her family gets closer and closer to coming home I feel that crunch time is approaching. She's going to want to see me, but she's not going to want to lie to them (or get caught) either.

I guess if I stay the course... take most of her calls. Don't initiate too much contact. Be the "fun guy" that wildcat suggested. She won't have any reason to initiate a breakup. And if I don't pressure her things will come to a natural conclusion one way or another and I will finally either get what I want or have closure.

I hope that she eventually has it in her to let her parents know that we are still in contact and she would like me to meet them. I've always had good luck dealing with families, and I think once they meet me their minds will be put at ease pertaining to my intentions with their daughter.


I'm going to school for physical therapy. She is working on getting into the same program. Back to the grind tomorrow.

As far as friends go, lately the majority of our conversations are dedicated to my current situation. Many of them know her and reassure me that she obviously cares about me (they say you can tell by her tone of voice towards me, the way she looks at me, etc.) but is probably feeling torn about how to deal with things because she's trying to get back into her family's good graces while still maintaining a relationship with me. As I stated before, her last boyfriend was terrible and things resulted in a two-year restraining order, so despite her age they are treating her very much like a child. They want what's best for her (education, work, etc.) No guys. And my six year + age difference doesn't look good to them for sure.

"Like I said, I don't see her just cutting me out of her life."

You really don't have much experience with women, do you?

"I hope that she eventually has it in her to let her parents know that we are still in contact and she would like me to meet them."

Still haven't met these parents yet you've been in her house while she's there? Look, man... If she's willing to lie to her parents about you, she's willing to lie to you about things also.

Just go with what you said, my friend... Stay the course and hope for the best.

I SWORE there was nothing else I could add to this, but you seem to be really hurting.

It is VERY easy to give advice, and harder to take it.
I understand.

You put all your money on a broken horse. WE'VE ALL DONE IT. You cannot make this girl into what you want - ever. I know the sex and the perfume and the skin are all A-ok, but what comes inside that trojan horse is an army of dysfunction waiting to make you crazy.
Note: it's not her problem. It's yours. You can't change her.

I'll give you one last scenario. You will not be able to process it because you higher than the Jupiter 1 - on testosterone and adrenaline but when you come down, consider this.

IMAGINE if this girl had been: trustworthy, sexy, reliable, smart, mature, honest and your best friend. And you blew it because you took her for granted or cheated on her. You wanted her back, but there was no chance because she was a woman of principles.
THAT WOULD SUCK!!

This just hurts your groin and gives you anxiety. But your life has not been F'd up.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY. VERY. When the right girl comes along, hopefully a situation
Like this will show you how to be: strong, self confident and not insane over a woman, unless you are an equal. So, when a hot/cool chick comes along you're ready. This girl is practice. That's it. IMPOSSIBLE to see right now.

And you are probably in too deep to go back. So you will have to see this in person and in 3d! Try to breathe. Turn the phone off. Take back some control. Enjoy time when you want it - not when she does - and YES, calling a therapist is an excellent idea. Call your general physician and just say you have a "family counseling query - do they have any recommendations?" they won't think twice about it. Your mind has made this girl into something she ain't. But that's OK... it's life.

Be the Fun Guy - even if it ain't you. But as we all know, it's tiring not to be ourselves.

"Like I said, I don't see her just cutting me out of her life."

You really don't have much experience with women, do you?

I do, actually. It's usually me doing the cutting off though.


"I hope that she eventually has it in her to let her parents know that we are still in contact and she would like me to meet them."

Still haven't met these parents yet you've been in her house while she's there? Look, man... If she's willing to lie to her parents about you, she's willing to lie to you about things also.

Just go with what you said, my friend... Stay the course and hope for the best.

She's a bad liar and almost always gets caught. That's one of the problems for her right now... the struggle between doing what she wants and what her parents want for her. It's not easy for a lot of people to understand (myself included), but if you knew her background the way that I do you wouldn't be as quick to judge. Not allowed to ride bikes 'til she was 10, Catholic upbringing, the works. Not everyone is able to have a nearly 100% open relationship with their folks like I do.

I SWORE there was nothing else I could add to this, but you seem to be really hurting.

You've got that right. :(


It is VERY easy to give advice, and harder to take it.
i understand.

you put all your money on a broken horse. WE'VE ALL DONE IT. You cannot make this girl into what you want - ever. I know the sex and the perfume and the skin are all A-ok, but what comes inside that trojan horse is an army of dysfunction waiting to make you crazy.
note: it's not her problem. It's yours. You can't change her.

That's something I've come to try to accept (a breakthrough for me, honestly). So now I feel like it is more my job to try to be patient and revert back to being the guy that she initially fell for rather than cutting her out of my life completely like many of you suggest. Joke with her, flirt, invite her to do stuff and if she declines blow it off and act like I don't care. Doing that for a couple of days got her to the point where she took the chance to have me over and risk possibly being kicked out again.


I'll give you one last scenario. You will not be able to process it because you higher than the Jupiter 1 - on testosterone and adrenaline but when you come down, consider this.

IMAGINE if this girl had been: trustworthy, sexy, reliable, smart, mature, honest and your best friend. And you blew it because you took her for granted or cheated on her. You wanted her back, but there was no chance because she was a woman of principles.
THAT WOULD SUCK!!

Sure would. I wouldn't do it though, I don't even drink hardly at all when I'm in a relationship. So that takes away pretty much any of the x factor.


This just hurts your groin and gives you anxiety. But your life has not been F'd up.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY. VERY.

How so?


When the right girl comes along, hopefully a situation like this will show you how to be: strong, self confident and not insane over a woman, unless you are an equal. So, when a hot/cool chick comes along you're ready. This girl is practice. That's it. IMPOSSIBLE to see right now.

I feel like she already may have come along. I have been waiting for someone with the qualities she has for two years now. Dated and hooked up a lot. Only one girl came close, and she was just too soon after my last relationship.


And you are probably in too deep to go back.

I think you're right. Maybe medication/talking to somebody about my anxiety would help. I probably shouldn't even tell my girlfriend that I'm looking at taking this step.


so you will have to see this in person and in 3d! Try to breathe. Turn the phone off.

It'll be off for probably at least an hour or so later because I've got an appointment, then I may leave it in the car while at the gym.


take back some control. Enjoy time when you want it - not when she does

Pretty much everyone said to not take her next call until at least later tonight before bed.


- and YES, calling a therapist is an excellent idea. Call your general physician and just say you have a "family counseling query - do they have any recommendations?" they won't think twice about it. Your mind has made this girl into something she ain't. But that's OK... it's life.

I see her flaws, but most of them will change with time. She has made it a point to tell me that people don't change overnight, so patience and time will have to be on my side if I want to make it work. The anxiety of not knowing what steps she will take next is what is killing me. I feel like her and I are pretty much on the same knowledge level now though, which is nice. I can see how she's struggling though and just wish she had more strength to put her foot down with her parents.

My role right now HAS TO be to be the fun guy that you all keep mentioning. Back to basics. Flirting, joking, not taking things too seriously (at least in front of her). It's eating me alive though inside. Every spare moment I have today is dedicated to worrying about her next move. Not good.


be the Fun Guy - even if it ain't you. But as we all know, it's tiring not to be ourselves.

You said it, bud. Thanks for trying to help.

Re: "This just hurts your groin and gives you anxiety. But your life has not been F'd up.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY. VERY...."

You said: "How so?"

How so - is that this girl is not "trustworthy, reliable, smart, mature, honest and your best friend." she is a young, promiscuous girl who lives at home and has you going nuts because you spend more time scheming to get her than you do breathing. Why? You know she is promiscuous, unreliable, immature and you don't want to get hurt. And she is doing nothing but hanging out - and calling you when "bored"... (IS THAT NOT THE TRUTH?)

IF she had been THE ONE, and she's not, then you would be F'd... so, you're lucky. But you cannot see that. No way. Not at all...

You think about phones and strategies and plans and all the things that 10 years from now you'll realize are meaningless. It's just too hard for you to step up and be confident right now - be the "man" right now... but that's what growing up is all about. And love can make us crazy. I went through something similar not too long ago.
(She came back but I have kept my distance.)

If you can process anything amid your Stage 4 Love Fog - get this:
When we relenquish control we gain control. You'll see one day... really.