qu2011
Feb 8, 2012, 08:49 AM
Would really appreciate people's opinions on my situation here, especially females who may understand the mindset.
My girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. To give the brief version of events, we were together 2.5 years. She's 25 and I'm 27. There were never any big issues or arguments in our relationship - the honeymoon stage lasted a very long time and we always had a lot of fun. Looking back I guess had become a bit boring and needy in the final months, she lost attraction and gave up, thought the grass was greener, told me she'd always love me but doesn't think I'm the one for marriage. In a way it was a very loving and amicable split. Naturally I was devastated - she was the girl of my dreams and is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on.
My reaction - straight NC. Have only initiated contact once in 6 months. I analysed the relationship, had obvious regrets about losing my masculinity towards the end and becoming a bit too 'easy', making her the focal point of my life and not seeing my friends as much etc. In the last 6 months I have got myself back, returned to being the active, outgoing, fun, confident and independent person I was the first few years we were together. Over the last month I can honestly say I've got to a stage where I don't wake up wishing I was still with her anymore, fully accepted her decision, feel no anger or resentment towards her, and have faith I will be happy and whatever is meant to be will be. Having said that, I'm not convinced I'll ever find anyone 'as good' as her.
Being at that stage, when I was invited to a friends birthday party on Saturday night which I know my ex was going to, I actually was looking forward to seeing her and catching up. She has initiated contact every month or so since the BU, we have met a couple of times, but never any relationship talk and most times I wasn't ready for that interaction as too many emotions were still involved. I'd always replied amicably to her messages and left her be. Generally her contact has been asking how I am, saying she'll always care about me etc. She sent me a message on Friday saying she hoped I was going to this party and was excited to see me and catch up.
So I turn up at this party. And here's the thing - I was aware through Facebook that within a couple of months of the BU, she started seeing a lifelong good friend of hers who lives on the other side of the world where she grew up (we live in London). A long distance thing, she probably sees him every 3 months or so. All my friends were surprised as he is extremely unattractive physically compared to me and not her usual type. I've always viewed it as wither a 'rebound grass is greener - something new and fun' but wondered if she could move on to someone else so soon, is he a real 'soul mate'.
So the first person I see when I walk in the door at the party is her, and she pretty much attached herself to me for the whole evening. She told me for the first time in person she was with this guy. I asked her if she was happy, and if he was the guy she sees herself ending up with, assuming for her to move on to someone else so quickly with a friend she has always known that he must be someone she sees a serious future with. And she says 'no'! She tells me that the problem is I was such an amazing boyfriend, and she has so much love for me, that there's certain things he just doesn't live up to me on - that I have set such a high standard that she doesn't know if anyone else could compare. That the long distance thing is tricky, and she certainly doesn't see herself spending her life with this guy. And that the way I handled the break up has made her have even more respect for me. That she misses my family, has drafted numerous deep and meaningful messages to me but never had the guts to send them as thought it may be selfish to keep contacting me. She then apologized for putting a photo of them together as her profile pic on apologized, and says she just did it for him because he's insecure about how soon they got together and the fact she was with me for so long. We went on to the club and she was wanting to dance with me all night, attaching herself to me, telling me she loves me and nearly going to kiss me until I pulled away at one point. All her friends and my friends were clearly hoping we were reconciling as they miss having us around as a couple, and everyone was asking me if we are back together as it seemed like we were completely happy and natural just like when we were together.
Then yesterday she texts me saying how 'lovely it was to see me and how she misses having me in her life'.
So my reaction? Well she is with someone else, she got with him straight after we broke up, there was no real good reason for the BU apart from her not being willing to work on it once the honeymoon stage inevitably ended, she thought the grass was greener and got with a guy she thought offers a more fun and better future. She now has told me he doesn't compare or live up to me as a boyfriend and she isn't entirely happy, still loves me and misses me. I guess she didn't go through the process of getting over me before a new relationship, and this has created an unhealthy state of mind.
I basically told her yesterday that I hope we can be friends eventually, but right now I am not willing to be the 'best friend and person to lean on' bit of a boyfriend while she is in a new relationship with someone who essentially made his move why we were still together. I had fun with her, it was like old times, and I enjoyed catching up with her and seeing how she was. I have no false hope, I have accepted the BU, I honestly have got to a point where I am almost fully moved on, what will be will be, and I don't need her in my life. This isn't a post of hope, false hope, or wanting advice on getting her back etc. I'm not sure if down the line I could ever accept her back if she approached me. So I will go back to not initiating contact, continuing the positive changes in my life, having fun with friends, and being happy that I am in such a way way better place than I was even a few months ago.
I guess what I want advice on is why on earth would an ex girlfriend act like this and say these things, and what is going on in her head and heart! At the end of the day she never said 'I want you back' and she is still with a new boyfriend.
My girlfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. To give the brief version of events, we were together 2.5 years. She's 25 and I'm 27. There were never any big issues or arguments in our relationship - the honeymoon stage lasted a very long time and we always had a lot of fun. Looking back I guess had become a bit boring and needy in the final months, she lost attraction and gave up, thought the grass was greener, told me she'd always love me but doesn't think I'm the one for marriage. In a way it was a very loving and amicable split. Naturally I was devastated - she was the girl of my dreams and is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on.
My reaction - straight NC. Have only initiated contact once in 6 months. I analysed the relationship, had obvious regrets about losing my masculinity towards the end and becoming a bit too 'easy', making her the focal point of my life and not seeing my friends as much etc. In the last 6 months I have got myself back, returned to being the active, outgoing, fun, confident and independent person I was the first few years we were together. Over the last month I can honestly say I've got to a stage where I don't wake up wishing I was still with her anymore, fully accepted her decision, feel no anger or resentment towards her, and have faith I will be happy and whatever is meant to be will be. Having said that, I'm not convinced I'll ever find anyone 'as good' as her.
Being at that stage, when I was invited to a friends birthday party on Saturday night which I know my ex was going to, I actually was looking forward to seeing her and catching up. She has initiated contact every month or so since the BU, we have met a couple of times, but never any relationship talk and most times I wasn't ready for that interaction as too many emotions were still involved. I'd always replied amicably to her messages and left her be. Generally her contact has been asking how I am, saying she'll always care about me etc. She sent me a message on Friday saying she hoped I was going to this party and was excited to see me and catch up.
So I turn up at this party. And here's the thing - I was aware through Facebook that within a couple of months of the BU, she started seeing a lifelong good friend of hers who lives on the other side of the world where she grew up (we live in London). A long distance thing, she probably sees him every 3 months or so. All my friends were surprised as he is extremely unattractive physically compared to me and not her usual type. I've always viewed it as wither a 'rebound grass is greener - something new and fun' but wondered if she could move on to someone else so soon, is he a real 'soul mate'.
So the first person I see when I walk in the door at the party is her, and she pretty much attached herself to me for the whole evening. She told me for the first time in person she was with this guy. I asked her if she was happy, and if he was the guy she sees herself ending up with, assuming for her to move on to someone else so quickly with a friend she has always known that he must be someone she sees a serious future with. And she says 'no'! She tells me that the problem is I was such an amazing boyfriend, and she has so much love for me, that there's certain things he just doesn't live up to me on - that I have set such a high standard that she doesn't know if anyone else could compare. That the long distance thing is tricky, and she certainly doesn't see herself spending her life with this guy. And that the way I handled the break up has made her have even more respect for me. That she misses my family, has drafted numerous deep and meaningful messages to me but never had the guts to send them as thought it may be selfish to keep contacting me. She then apologized for putting a photo of them together as her profile pic on apologized, and says she just did it for him because he's insecure about how soon they got together and the fact she was with me for so long. We went on to the club and she was wanting to dance with me all night, attaching herself to me, telling me she loves me and nearly going to kiss me until I pulled away at one point. All her friends and my friends were clearly hoping we were reconciling as they miss having us around as a couple, and everyone was asking me if we are back together as it seemed like we were completely happy and natural just like when we were together.
Then yesterday she texts me saying how 'lovely it was to see me and how she misses having me in her life'.
So my reaction? Well she is with someone else, she got with him straight after we broke up, there was no real good reason for the BU apart from her not being willing to work on it once the honeymoon stage inevitably ended, she thought the grass was greener and got with a guy she thought offers a more fun and better future. She now has told me he doesn't compare or live up to me as a boyfriend and she isn't entirely happy, still loves me and misses me. I guess she didn't go through the process of getting over me before a new relationship, and this has created an unhealthy state of mind.
I basically told her yesterday that I hope we can be friends eventually, but right now I am not willing to be the 'best friend and person to lean on' bit of a boyfriend while she is in a new relationship with someone who essentially made his move why we were still together. I had fun with her, it was like old times, and I enjoyed catching up with her and seeing how she was. I have no false hope, I have accepted the BU, I honestly have got to a point where I am almost fully moved on, what will be will be, and I don't need her in my life. This isn't a post of hope, false hope, or wanting advice on getting her back etc. I'm not sure if down the line I could ever accept her back if she approached me. So I will go back to not initiating contact, continuing the positive changes in my life, having fun with friends, and being happy that I am in such a way way better place than I was even a few months ago.
I guess what I want advice on is why on earth would an ex girlfriend act like this and say these things, and what is going on in her head and heart! At the end of the day she never said 'I want you back' and she is still with a new boyfriend.