Silverfoxkit
Feb 6, 2012, 04:41 PM
I have a problem, me and my husbands two year old daughter's grandma. While there are a million and half mother-in-law jokes and complaints this time its my own mother that I have some concerns about.
When I was a child I was abused. My mother had a tendency to viciously lose her temper and take it out on me, physically and mentally. One minute she would be fine, the next minute after some small upset she would become very, very dangerous. As I became a teenager the abuse retreated to only mental and verbal.
Now I am an adult and I have my own family. I am still traumatized from my childhood. I can't stand aggression around me. It makes me panic. Any time I am around my mom, no matter how pleasant she may be, I feel tense, like I'm on a knife's edge waiting for something to go wrong. I cannot be 100% comfortable there.
My mom is getting increasingly agitated that while we may spend nights at my in-laws, we never sleep there. While we visit them regularly, we visit her infrequently. And the big issue: my daughter. My mom wants to be able to get her for her own "nana" time. She wants us to let her watch our daughter. Since the other grandmother gets so much more time with our daughter, real jealously issues are boiling under the surface. Problem is: I don't trust her. I love her, she's my mom, but I cannot forget what's been done to me. The issue is building and I fear the explosion. I have not told my mother I don't trust her. I've skated by the last two years with excuse after excuse. I fear mom's reaction greatly to tell her I worry she'll hurt my baby. My mom is not a reasonable person. She uses manipulation. She has two modes: guilt and threaten.
What do I do? The obvious answer seems to be tell her how I feel, but with her rage problems that could cause devastating trouble. Especially since the land we live on is hers. We are not in the financial place to move right now and telling her that I don't trust you with my toddler could make us all homeless. Not to mention my mom has a weird way of remembering things differently then how they happened. She shapes her own memories to suit herself. She may not even believe she abused me. I've never spoken to her about any of it. I'm too scared of her. I don't know how much longer she'll take my excuses. Help!
When I was a child I was abused. My mother had a tendency to viciously lose her temper and take it out on me, physically and mentally. One minute she would be fine, the next minute after some small upset she would become very, very dangerous. As I became a teenager the abuse retreated to only mental and verbal.
Now I am an adult and I have my own family. I am still traumatized from my childhood. I can't stand aggression around me. It makes me panic. Any time I am around my mom, no matter how pleasant she may be, I feel tense, like I'm on a knife's edge waiting for something to go wrong. I cannot be 100% comfortable there.
My mom is getting increasingly agitated that while we may spend nights at my in-laws, we never sleep there. While we visit them regularly, we visit her infrequently. And the big issue: my daughter. My mom wants to be able to get her for her own "nana" time. She wants us to let her watch our daughter. Since the other grandmother gets so much more time with our daughter, real jealously issues are boiling under the surface. Problem is: I don't trust her. I love her, she's my mom, but I cannot forget what's been done to me. The issue is building and I fear the explosion. I have not told my mother I don't trust her. I've skated by the last two years with excuse after excuse. I fear mom's reaction greatly to tell her I worry she'll hurt my baby. My mom is not a reasonable person. She uses manipulation. She has two modes: guilt and threaten.
What do I do? The obvious answer seems to be tell her how I feel, but with her rage problems that could cause devastating trouble. Especially since the land we live on is hers. We are not in the financial place to move right now and telling her that I don't trust you with my toddler could make us all homeless. Not to mention my mom has a weird way of remembering things differently then how they happened. She shapes her own memories to suit herself. She may not even believe she abused me. I've never spoken to her about any of it. I'm too scared of her. I don't know how much longer she'll take my excuses. Help!