Hi all, I'll try my best to make a long story short... although it still turned out to be long (apologies.)

I'm in Germany now. How did I end up here? After a long, painstaking 6 years in grad school in the US, this was the best job I found... and other reasons also, if you'll bear with me.

We dated from Sep 2010 to Aug 2011, almost exactly a year. It was the final year of grad school when I started dating this Polish girl, I'll call J (I'm Korean, but spent more than half my life in the US). She was 3 years behind me in the same program, and I was reluctant to start since I knew I'll be leaving soon. I was very attracted to her though, and we had already been friends for a year or so - after she told me she was in love with me, I threw caution to the wind.

That year was really tough - me searching for a job all year, I was always catching up on deadlines, always anxious about where I end up. Juggling a new relationship was difficult too - I knew it wasn't the best timing, but then again, if I didn't start then, I would leave and that would be it... but however much I tried, J always felt neglected (as I sensed during the relationship, and as she told me later afterward.) After trying my luck on the job market I decided to take an offer I got from Germany, all the more because I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to learn about "Europe," where J was from, and it wouldn't be too bad for us, as she spent a significant amount of time visiting home (during which I could visit her easily).

After graduating, I visited her in Poland, which she had planned as our "perfect" trip, as she thought finally I'd have time to relax not thinking any deadlines. In hindsight I cherish that trip - even though it was plagued with us constantly fighting and arguing... because even though I had tried to finish everything I need to prior to the trip, I still had some work to take care of in order to finalize my new job contract... she felt out that I was trying to get some work done, even in the midst of her "dream trip," and I felt bad for it too... although at the same time I was frustrated she wouldn't understand. As we part, we both agree that maybe we need a bit of time to cool off... I took this as a break, but she said she just meant since we'll have some distance anyway, let's try to meet/talk again soon...

A month later (after I visit home, Korea) I arrive in Germany, a bit uncertain about the relationship and also in a totally new country that I'm not used to. While in Korea we had had ups and downs, but in the end had plans set for us going on vacation together for her birthday, and making a tour to Korea and Poland in the winter. I was lonely a few days in Germany, as soon as I get a phone number I call J... she says she'll visit Mexico to see a friend over Thanksgiving. I say, hey, I guess that means u want to break up, since I thought u'd be visiting me... there's some silence, then she said yeah sorry... I guess I left that out. I say a short good bye, and we exchanged 2-3 emails, and that was it. I have a history of bad break ups, and didn't want to make it messy or anything... I cut everything immediately, skype, email, Facebook...

Not only because I wanted things to be clean (I've had my share of messy breakups before, I'm 32), but also I had a hard time transitioning into the new job/country, and I knew all I'd be doing if we stayed in touch is be reliant - at a time I shouldn't be. It was tough - all the more being in Europe, even though it's Germany and Poland, everything unfamiliar to me reminded me of her, the time we spent in Poland... soon I hear rumors that she is dating an old professor of mine, whether it's true or not I don't know until this day.

In the winter, I left on long trip to the US. I pondered for a month whether to visit my old grad school, knowing that I might meet her... in the end I did. It was great to see my old friends, my old home of 6 years... I decided that I might as well meet her, since I wanted to be able to visit in the future as well without being haunted by the idea of running into her. So we met up for dinner (her idea, I just thought we have a small chat... ) during which I was anticipating news about her new boyfriend (whether or not it's the professor), how great her life is now that I'm gone, etc... I was just going to bear it and get over it, my life had been miserable enough I couldn't see things getting any worse. I had absolutely zero hopes that we would reunite or anything, at best I thought maybe I would handle things better than I thought and we can at least be distant friends or something.

To the contrary... she starts bringing up whether we can get back together... in the end she was crying all night, I was in her apt soothing her all night, and I thought, is this really happening? She tells me that after breaking up she also realized how unsupportive she had been, knowing that it had been a rough year for me professionally, but she just couldn't help being neglected. I didn't know what to say. We talked all night, at one point we were back together, cuddling and stuff... but then she suddenly jolts up, tells me I have to leave. Well okay... so I get up. She keeps telling me I have to leave but hugs me and doesn't let go and then... faints! I clear her bed and try to lay her down (fyi, I was genuinely worried, no dirty intentions or anything... ) but then she suddenly gets up and starts yelling at me to get out of her bedroom. At this point I'm like what?! Shoves me out of her apt and closes the door. My flight back to Germany was 2 hours after this (I thought I'd just miss it but... ) so I go directly to the airport, some flight back I had...

It took me a while for things to settle in. She texts/emails me that she's sorry, she misbehaved, etc... I call her, and tell her that you know, I understand... and the sad thing is, I actually do understand. I'm not angry for her leading me on, or bitter at her for being selfish. I'm just stuck. It took me half a year to get as far as I was, and I feel like I'm almost back where I had begun. I do wish she were back in my life, I understand it's unrealistic, and I see that meeting each other just kindled old feelings that were no longer there... but I don't know what to do, I have to work, I have to live my life, but I just don't have any strength left to move forward...

I'm not bitter, but I just feel it's unfair, my only fault was not having enough time, and I accept that, but why I hurt so much why she seems to be fine. It's pathetic, I know. You would think that things get easier wt age, I spent so much time working last year, nowadays all I can do is mope in front of the computer screen.

I read your story and am still mulling over when she jolted up suddenly, asked you to leave, and then fainted. What was THAT all about?

I guess this makes her sound too dramatic, but she never was usually... we were a bit drunk, and she says she couldn't sleep the previous night... I take she was just really tired and confused :-? It's pathetic, I know I should be angry, but for some reason I'm not :-/

I guess this makes her sound too dramatic, but she never was usually...we were a bit drunk, and she says she couldn't sleep the previous night...I take she was just really tired and confused :-? It's pathetic, I know I should be angry, but for some reason I'm not :-/
No, I think you're on the wrong track. Let's say you had done that instead of she. Why would you? Would you have been acting dramatic? "...but then she suddenly gets up and starts yelling at me to get out of her bedroom. At this point I'm like what?!? Shoves me out of her apt and closes the door." Think about it.

Not sure I entirely understand what you mean - I agree that her behavior was weird and I have no idea what was going on, and she said the same on that last phone call - that she had no idea what had gone into her.

I do know that had I been on her end, I would have been more controlled and firm, but I take it that people can make mistakes.. I'm confused what all that meant, but after the short phonecall afterward clearly nothing will come out of it... I still do love her but I don't want to dwell on her while the rest of life passes by, and even though my writing sounds maybe somewhat less dramatic, I'm seriously messed up inside...

I just had the feeling she had suddenly felt sick or needed to throw up--nothing against you, but all about her and a physical problem of some kind. Like, she didn't want you to see her in that condition, whatever it was.

So how was your last contact? Is it over and you want to know what to do from here?

I doubt she has some physical problem.. but I guess she did suddenly feel sick, in her own words was overwhelmed by me suddenly blasting out from the past, and was surprised that she still has such strong feelings.

Yeah, it's over. I know what to do from here in my head, just take it day by day and get back on the recovery path I was on already, but I just don't have the strength to go on man... it's especially difficult here, without any friends or support system you know... and that's why I had stayed so long in the US, and things seem to be getting slightly better, all to be blown up on the last night I was there!

You said the two of you had been drinking, so she could have felt sick. She could have gotten her period. It may have had nothing to do with you.

So it's over?

Yeah, I get that, maybe it had nothing to do wt me. Although I do think I know her well enough that she would have said something if it was just that, at least afterward.

All the same, I was kicked out in a dramatic fashion, and the following phone call made it seem pretty over. And yes it's over... thanks wondergirl for all the replies.

I didn't quite get a final goodbye ending, so was wondering if you and she still had a chance.

Now you go back to No Contact. Exercise at the gym or go to a college track to do laps or whatever. Get those endorphins moving around in your body. Make some friends. Are there any opportunities for that? Take up a hobby or two -- tutoring, cooking class, a book discussion group. Volunteer at an animal shelter or hospital. I envy you your youth and mobility and the huge opportunities ahead of you!

Thanks wondergirl - that was makes me feel bad too, a lot of people will envy my life, and I shouldn't dwell on the small setbacks. Should be thankful for the great opportunities, and even the experiences I had...

Yeah, back to NC, it's not that I even feel like contacting her - sure I wish she contacts me, but I know no good can come out the other way around (it wasn't hard doing NC the past half year, I was just sad missing her.)

It is better than when I initially came, I do know a few people, and at least I don't have to do the whole settling in thing (that was horrible... ) I would like to volunteer but I'm not sure what I can do as a foreigner (my German is not good enough) so I've been going to these expat groups since I got here.

Just sucks u know? Thought I'd come a long way... and I do love traveling, living in different places and all, but I guess I've just come to that stage in life where I want more stability than excitement.

Both sides of my family are German (from Hannover), my grandparents spoke fluent German, my Lutheran minister father preached in German once a month, and I can hardly spit out a "sehr gut." Soak up German culture for me, and have a stein or two.

And stay in touch.