Hello, is it appropriate for a husband to drive a female co- worker home from work daily, as well as offering to drive her to doctor's appointments? Please let me know what you think.
Many thanks,
Deniseanne

Deniseanne, what I find appropriate in my marriage, you may not in yours. I see nothing wrong with my husband offering to take a co-worker home or to doctor's appoints whether they are male or female. I know he hasn't and won't cross the boundaries of good behavior we have set together.

Is there a reason you have a problem with him helping another person?
If the co-worker were male, would you have the same reaction?
Has anything happened in the past that causes you to worry?
Is his helping out this person putting a burden on your family?

Sit down with him and talk about the issue. Listen to each other and see if you can find a compromise.

Hello Cat1864, thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my question. I found this out yesterday after I noticed some items that are usually on my passenger seat in his car, out of place. I had moticed this a couple of previous times and asked casually why the items had been moved. He had replied nonchalantly he didn't know, and dropped the subject. Last night I again entered the car as we were preparing to go out and I noticed it again. This time I asked casually whether anyone else had been in that seat. (the seat next to his driver's seat) This time he said, " Yes, Melanie was." I quietly said . "Oh." He then said that he drives her home from work ( they both work the night shift) every day so she won't have to take the bus. I simply replied casually that it was nice of him to help her. He said she sometimes has doctor's appointments and that he has offered to take her to them as well.
I again replied that it was nice of him to do this. I asked how long he had been driving her and he said he had begun a few months ago. Then he quickly changed the subject.
I acted normally and the rest of the evening was normal. I have not said a word about my concerns about this as I knew there would be no point. I have kept my concerns to myself and I am feeling stressed over this and the only reason is that I don't know ifthere is more to this or whether this is the start of something. What I do know is that for many years I have caught him in so many lies I have lost track. He has had a habit of habitually lying to me about many things over the years and I have still ended up staying in the relationship. I remain kind to him even when he broke my trust in him years ago. If I were to ever question him about this latest concern, he would only get angry and I would never know if he would be telling me the truth if he did tell me there was nothing going on other then just driving this person around. This is why I wrote to seek another opinion. I did notice that he had not mentioned anything about his driving her until I had casually asked why the items were no longer there in that seat. If I hadn't asked about that, I would never have known about his driving the woman all these months. My concern is this: Since he has lied many times in the past to me, then he could also cheat on me as well, couldn't he? I think I wirry about how far his lies can go. The sad part is that he is the type of man who can become domineering and angry to me if I ever disagree with anything he says or if I don't have the same opinion as his.
The worst lie he ever told me was that before we were married years ago, He had been heavy drinker and he had hidden this very well before we were married. He knew that I would never date an alcoholic- let alone marry one. As it turned out, I found out shortly after we were married that he was not only a heavy drinker, but an alcoholic! I remember feeling shocked and betrayed when I discovered this after the wedding. He had hidden this very well from both me and my entire family. He admitted after the wedding that he knew that if I had known before we married, thdt I would never have married him.
So you see, this was the first of many subsequent lies he has since told, and now here I am worrying about this latest concern, which is why I have written to you. I hope I have answered the questions you asked me as well. Please let me know what you think Cat.
Thank you so much for reading this long message.
Deniseanne

Hello Cat1864,
I wrote a response to your message. Please see above. Thank you very much.
Deniseanne

Do all liars cheat? No. Do all cheaters lie? Yes.

You know your husband. We do not. Have I driven co-workers back and forth to work? Yes. Have I ever taken a co-worker to a Doctor's appointment? No. (I work in a male dominiated industry). Would I, if asked and circumstances warranted? Probably.

I find lying about anything under the sun and having an affair to be two different things.

I don't know how "casually" you are questioning him. It sounds more like a cross examination to me. Come right out and ask him - what is this relationship with this woman?

I don't know if SHE makes you jealous or suspicious or what the problem is here. You have to look at that, too. If it's this one woman who upsets you, then I'd talk to him about that.

What does "he becomes angry and domineering" mean? Is he abusive?

I used to commute with several people, if they live in the same area and normally the other person helps pay for gas and the such.

No co workers don't normally take others to doctors, OK, once perhaps but not on a regular basis.

I think there are more issues here than him taking a co-worker home or providing transportation to the doctor's office.

It seems to me that you are questioning his entire story rather than whether giving rides is appropriate. Do you think he was giving Melanie rides or do you think he is using her as a cover story?

I am curious about how he has been able to give her rides to doctor's appointments which would, presumably, be during the day without your knowledge? Do you work or does he 'disappear' at times? Where have you thought he was when he wasn't at work or home? I don't mean to imply that he should tell you every second of his day. However, I am concerned about what he has told you he was doing.

I don't know if you should believe him or not. I do think you might consider getting outside help such as counseling.

Does your husband still drink? If so, then you might look into support groups for family members of alcoholics (Al-anon is one based in the US. Since you haven't said where you are, I don't know what is available in your local area.)

Take care of yourself and good luck.