Hello,

My name is Izzy and I have a small issue I would like to address but I feel bad about addressing it so I also feel awkward. Ok so here it goes...

I have been with my fiancé for three years and I have known that he occasionally masturbates BUT lately its been a real issue for both of us emotionally. Let me explain... So about nine months ago he picked me up from military training and this is when we realized we were really in our relationship for the long haul. We had been separated for a bit and when it came time for me to come home, he was the one who picked me up, took me somewhere special and really made me feel amazing.

Obviously we came home, and live together now so from time to time I would catch him relieving himself before work or whatever, and sometimes I would express it hurt my feelings... he would usually reply with "I don't like having rushed sex in the mornings where you don't get off and I end up feeling less satisfied."

So I guess I understood, but five months ago we got pregnant, so now I have this whole image thing that constantly runs through my head. Obviously I don't feel as attractive and I'm not the same in bed anymore. Well now he like hides in the bathroom and masturbates before he goes to work, saying he is "using the toilet" so I won't think anything of it while I'm upstairs making his lunch. It's crazy, and I even ask him after he is caught and he lies every time. It's so annoying but I know I can't judge him for wanting to relieve himself.

The other fact is that I do want sex with him, but because of my personal feelings I feel like we have to try a couple times and like every three or four I'll actually have an orgasm. I can masturbate just fine, but then if I do I have nothing left for him so I have to be careful. He says every time I want sex now, I just tell him instead of doing something sexy to get his attention, and he feels like he may hurt me every time so I'm sure that's in the back of his head when he goes to masturbate... or I should say why he may not want to have sex and rather take care of it himself.

Today I wasn't feeling well so I went to knock on the door of the bathroom and I saw a shadow of him doing it because the door is kind of raised and the floor gives off this really mirrored affect... ugh... I wish I didn't but then of course it got me thinking and I got all emotional and just felt bad like he was doing something terrible but he wasn't. Maybe it's the fact that he lied and said he had to use the bathroom because he wasn't feeling well, or maybe it was because the other night we had sex and he was satisfied but I wasn't and so I waited all of yesterday for him and he didn't even try to touch me last night when we had the chance.

I guess I really want him to help me feel sexy but his argument is that I don't get him in the mood the way he wants anymore, but I just don't know how to feel sexy being pregnant and having a guy who would rather masturbate every morning rather than touch me. I kind of blew up on him this morning and now feel so bad, but why does he lie about it? Why can't he just let me help?

I'm usually an attractive female, I'm 27, not really putting any pounds on, he says he is attracted so why can't he take that twenty minutes in the AM to ask me if I'll satisfy his needs? Hmm... what can I do? Thanks for listening guys :)

Ok so I want to get sexy for him because I feel this is why our sex life has gone to the trash. When we have sex it is amazing, but that is usually when my fiancé is smoking pot and not depressed or stressed from work. I know that sounds nuts, but when he isn't smoking, he is this mean, depressed guy who sits around all day in the basement, non emotional and so frustrating to get to open up. I mean most guys don't open up all the way, but he says he only can when he smokes because that's how he has medicated himself since he was a teen.

So recently he stopped smoking, and we stopped having sex almost completely I would say for about a month, with the occasional time or two. I had written a previous article about how I would find him masturbating but I felt it was hurtful because I wanted sex but was having a hard time because I'm pregnant and want to be more sexy but don't have the self image I need to do so. It's like I need his help or reassurance to feel sexy but he just thinks I forgot how to be that way and would rather just relieve himself then try with me. I just want some feeling of sexiness or I want to show him how much I want him and not be faking how I feel about myself you know?

Now he has gone back to smoking pot again and we are connecting, but we always seem to get into arguments because I find him masturbating in the bathroom when he tells me he has to do #2, so it explains the long time he is in there... I know he does this often but I try to stay upstairs while he is "using" the bathroom so I don't interrupt if he is having one of those moments. Just today I was sick and needed to use the bathroom for me and caught him.

It's really emotional and I want to feel sexy so I can satisfy him but I know I'm not doing a good job. I'm so worried when the baby comes that he will just hide in every other room relieving himself and never wanting me to try no less I'll be taking care of the little one so I'll be distracted and hopefully won't notice. Maybe I should dress up or wear some heels, but the real question is, How do I make me feel sexy? How do I change what I see in the mirror so I can give him the satisfaction he deserves?

Izzy, I merged your threads because they are dealing with the same problem. It is best to keep all of the information in one thread so that you can get the best advice possible. Thanks.

Sorry - this is more of a blog and less of a question.

Some men masturbate because it's fast and almost guaranteed. Some men are afraid to have sex with a pregnant woman.

I have no idea what his problem is BUT you could ask him. Presumably you discuss other concerns in your relationship and presumably he knows why he's masturbating instead of making love with you.

He needs to deal with his pot smoking problem. If you are still in the military, it can cause you a great deal of trouble. Trust me there because I've seen it happen.

but when he isn't smoking, he is this mean, depressed guy who sits around all day in the basement, non emotional and so frustrating to get to open up. I mean most guys don't open up all the way, but he says he only can when he smokes because that's how he has medicated himself since he was a teen.

Sex, masturbation, trying please him, porn, etc. are all secondary to his getting a healthier outlook on life and everything else. Being a partners and parents is stressful and it doesn't help if one person is dumping their share of the responsibilities on the other person. He has a responsibility to himself and his child to get help.

He needs counseling. He needs to deal with the reasons he is mean, depressed and closed-off when he isn't on pot. He needs to learn more effective ways of handling his problems and communicating. His getting help will probably be the biggest factor in improving the over-all quality of your love-life and relationship.

How do you define 'mean'? Is he abusive to you in any way?

Be honest with yourself, is he currently acting like the man you want to be the father of your child?

And I don't understand, after she masterbates she has nothing left ? Are you out of shape, guess I am use to the women being able to have several and materbation or toys to get her off first is just the start.
But guys masterbate and he lies because you "accuse" him. You try to make it sound like it is wrong instead of offering to watch or do it for him or do oral for him.

I would say counseling for both of you

I see boyfriend and girlfriend, pregnant, no marriage - something the Courts don't like to deal with and a problem down the road. I never understand the "pregnant" part when the next post will be about the drug-addicted boyfriend.

Why have a child with a man who is not, in fact, a man?