Boyfriend and I are both in our early forties. We have been together for 2/12 years. He has been legally separated during this time and is approaching the end of their divorce settlement. There are alimony and ongoing custody struggles with soon to be ex, so he has been under a lot of stress as things are wrapping up. He also suffers from chronic depression (since childhood) and went off all medication about 4 weeks ago because he didn't like the side effects. He did this on his own and without the advice of his therapist which he continues to see.

Over the holidays, we got into an argument because I needed more help around the house. In short, there are times when he stays over with me for 1-2 weeks, where he wants to rest and get away from all the trama of his day to day life. He isn't always like this, but it happens sometimes and can frustrating for me because I am tired and stressed out too sometimes.

He has not spoken with me on the phone for 3 weeks since the argument occurred. I have apologized via email for my piece in the argument and told him that if he isn't up to helping with a lot right now, that I understood and we just need to scale things back a bit so we are both getting rest during the time he stays with me.

He sent me an email about 2 weeks after the argument telling me that he loves me very much, wants to have a new life with me, and that I am the perfect person for him. However, he not sure he can give me what I need and deserve "right now" in this relationship. He says he needs more time to think it through, but hasn't given me an idea of when that will be. He also said that he is extremely depressed right now and feels like he is losing it.

We had plans of marriage, etc. And now I don't know what to think. I told him that I accept his need for space, and to let me know when he is ready to talk. I said if he needed anything (due to the depression), that he can reach out to me anytime as his friend and that we didn't need to discuss the relationship right now.

My question (sorry this is long winded), is how long is reasonable to wait? Do I cut off all contact and do NC? Or do I keep in contact since I think a lot of this has to do with his depression? He won't talk to me on the phone so contact would be email only. I haven't tried calling him, and only sent him 1-2 texts during this time so I am not trying to stalk him.

I love him, and would like this to work out, but I am not sure if his silence is a way of him breaking up with me. Any thoughts on this and how I should handle would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

After our argument,

First, I really empathize with your situation. My partner was going through a separation and divorce when we first got together, and I can't completely relate to your guy's confusion.

Your real question is whether you should wait. I'm going to vote no. Not that you should run right out and marry someone tomorrow, but if opportunity knocks, you should have whatever relationships feel right to you. If my experience is a valid example, it's possible it could take years for him to decide what his next move should be. He's going through a huge life change, and it may not be as clear-cut as simply going from one marriage to another. He may need a lot of time, or he may decide he hasn't really checked his options. My partner and I did this pas de deux for about three years before finally settling in. I saw other men and he did whatever it was he was doing, which was often hard for me to interpret.

You didn't say you are formally engaged, and he's not returning your contacts, so just go enjoy your life for now. If he pops back up in a while and you're available, then that's great. If not, you don't need to get caught in the downward spiral of guilt and indecision that can lead to paralysis. The fact that he's clinically depressed does not make this any easier, and I give you big props for being so understanding of his condition.

I wish you luck!

Thanks for your advice. It has just been really hard as this is unlike him to just disappear. One day you are together, and the next day you aren't. I think a lot of it has to do with stopping the medication. I know I have no control over his decision to stop, although I did voice my inputs that he should consider staying on it while dealing with all of these life changes.

We were not formally engaged. I told him I wanted to wait until after the divorce was final. We did look at rings, etc. and started planning out where we would live, met each others families, etc.

Do you think I should reach out as his friend from time to time, or just go NC? Also, should I even bother to email him that I have decided to move on - or just leave it alone and do my own thing? Thanks again. :)

Boy, Nicole, you do ask the hard questions! LOL

It sounds to me as if you've already reached out. Now I'd just leave him alone and let him fester. The things going on with him are beyond your control. You don't need to announce that you're going NC and moving on. He's the one who owes you a contact. If he gets in touch, you can sort it out at that point. Sometimes the problem in interpersonal relationships is not enough forethought, but in this case I'm going to suggest that you not over-think and over-plan your next step. You miss him, and that's coloring your judgment, so time apart might actually be the best thing.

You didn't mention whether he's in treatment for his depression, just that he's been dealing with it for a long time. If he does pop back into your world, you might want to suggest counseling for the two of you together to get a better feel for how much of what's happening is depression-related and how much is just him going through a lot of confusion. My partner wasn't (still isn't) depressed, but counseling turned out to be vital to sorting through the mess of his defunct marriage and endless childhood issues. An impartial third party can often see to the heart of the problem better than the people who are too close to it.

Thanks again - that makes perfect sense. He is the one that owes me the contact at this point. I don't owe him an explanations as he is the one that disengaged. I have reached out several times via email, and he responded that he knows that I care for and love him, and that I am a blessing to have in his life. All well and good, but considering he says that and won't pick up the phone is confusing.

He is being treated by a therapist for the depression, (over the last 9 months) and it has helped tremendously. He seemed much more even on the meds.. . not so many dark periods. But part of the reason it worked so well also had to do with him taking anti-depressants. Now that hs is off those, the therapy alone doesn't seem to be working for him. I know part of it is genetic as his dad also suffered with it.

I have to let it go I think and treat it like a breakup, and just see what happens in the future. Part of me is so annoyed that he didn't just breakup formally with me and just went missing instead. It is very hurtful and I think it will take some time to get over it all.

Thanks for responding back so fast. . I have not been doing well at all with this today, and it helped to get some perspective on things (outside of my own head). :)

You're very welcome! And I think you're taking the right approach. Some of his "improvement" might have been because he was using you as a buffer between himself and his reality. You don't really need to make that position permanent.

I wish you all the best. :)