Yolanda.rose78
Jan 20, 2012, 11:57 PM
Here's my situation. Sorry it's a bit long...
I met this great man soon after I arrived in UK for 6 months of study (Jan 11-Jul 11). I'm 33 and he's 41. Were together for 6 months. During this time he was very serious & wanted to commit, but I was unsure (because of past hurt and fear of commitment) I said I needed space yet throughout our time together he was unable to give me this space. I would push him away, then he kept pursuing me & I kept opening my door to him as we had this amazing connection, then I would feel smothered, and push him away & the cycle continued.
Just before I came back to OZ we spent an incredible two weeks together. He said he wanted to give up his life and follow me to Australia, I felt overwhelmed & I pushed him away again. This was end of July.
When I was back in OZ I had the space I needed to think about what it is I want in life. We spoke regularly and September I sent him an email saying how much I missed him and in my awkward way I tried to tell him I was ready to commit. He said he thought about me every day and he missed me and he would continue to do so.
We agreed to spend time together when he was in OZ at Xmas. So over Oct/Nov I felt ready to commit to him and settle down (he was working in the middle east during this 2 month period so we didn't speak so often), I started to plan our life together, I wanted to move back to UK & be with him but I never told him any of this. Just before before Xmas he told me that he had met someone else (I had gut instinct and I had to force it out of him). He had met her way back in September. I freaked out and told him how I had been feeling and what I had been dreaming for us, and he felt terrible that he hurt me. He said didn't realize I felt like this and he said he was confused.
The day he arrived in Australia we met up just before Xmas for dinner & I asked him if it was serious with this other woman and he said "Yes, well I'm not sure about it. She is serious, but I'm not sure how long it will last, I don't know¯" but he said that he had made a commitment to her and that he couldn't hurt her. I respect that. But I love him and I've lost a great guy. She's 40, insecure & is very threatened by me. She didn't want him to see me when he was here. She made him promise that he wouldn't hurt her.
He told me over dinner that the feelings he had for me were stronger than they are for her. I wrote him a letter which I gave him at the end of the night saying I'm sorry for not being able to commit earlier & explaining why, saying that I had imagined a life with him, but understand it's over & I wish him well.
I went NC for a while, and just 2 weeks ago, before he flew back to the UK, he contacted me and we met up. He was really open toward me, and said "thank you for giving me that letter" and we spoke about "us" and what went wrong etc. He was saying stuff like "if only I had waited that little bit longer", "I'd like to see you when I'm back in Australia in April, but I feel like an prick asking you to wait for me, but I'm scared I'll lose you again" etc.. I felt that in a way our connection grew stronger. And I know that if he knew how I had felt all those months ago, he wouldn't have started this relationship with her. He even said that he's still not sure about it, and that he feels that he started the relationship this other woman too soon.
Anyway, at the end of the night, he kissed me (passionately!) we both said that we still have feelings for each other. And he said "yeah I need to go back to the UK and really think about my situation"... And when he said "I also don't want to lose you again"... And I said to him that he won't lose me, and that I'm prepared to wait for him if that's what he wants. I said to him that I'm going to give him some time and space to sort out his situation, and that I'm not going to contact for a while out of respect to his current relationship. When I said "don't worry, you're not going to lose me" and said "GOOD Thank you, I really needed to hear that". This guy is NOT a player, in fact he's a really good guy (he's honest, if a little weak and tries to please everyone)... And I know I was the one who screwed up and pushed him away in the beginning.
A week ago, when he arrived back in the UK he sent me a text "landed safe and sound. Hope your days been good x".
How long should I wait to contact him? I know I need to give him space, but how much space and time do you think is reasonable for him to sort out his situation with this other woman?
I know that he doesn't want to hurt her, and if he broke up with her straight away, she'll probably guess it was because of me, and I imagine that he doesn't want her to think that - she could also create a lot of problems for him if she wanted to. But I just want to know where I stand with him and I want to know if I'm waiting in vain.
Any ideas comments guys? So anxious!
(p.s. I'm planning on moving back to the UK at the end of the year, and he'll be back in Australia in a few months in April).
Sorry it's so long.
I met this great man soon after I arrived in UK for 6 months of study (Jan 11-Jul 11). I'm 33 and he's 41. Were together for 6 months. During this time he was very serious & wanted to commit, but I was unsure (because of past hurt and fear of commitment) I said I needed space yet throughout our time together he was unable to give me this space. I would push him away, then he kept pursuing me & I kept opening my door to him as we had this amazing connection, then I would feel smothered, and push him away & the cycle continued.
Just before I came back to OZ we spent an incredible two weeks together. He said he wanted to give up his life and follow me to Australia, I felt overwhelmed & I pushed him away again. This was end of July.
When I was back in OZ I had the space I needed to think about what it is I want in life. We spoke regularly and September I sent him an email saying how much I missed him and in my awkward way I tried to tell him I was ready to commit. He said he thought about me every day and he missed me and he would continue to do so.
We agreed to spend time together when he was in OZ at Xmas. So over Oct/Nov I felt ready to commit to him and settle down (he was working in the middle east during this 2 month period so we didn't speak so often), I started to plan our life together, I wanted to move back to UK & be with him but I never told him any of this. Just before before Xmas he told me that he had met someone else (I had gut instinct and I had to force it out of him). He had met her way back in September. I freaked out and told him how I had been feeling and what I had been dreaming for us, and he felt terrible that he hurt me. He said didn't realize I felt like this and he said he was confused.
The day he arrived in Australia we met up just before Xmas for dinner & I asked him if it was serious with this other woman and he said "Yes, well I'm not sure about it. She is serious, but I'm not sure how long it will last, I don't know¯" but he said that he had made a commitment to her and that he couldn't hurt her. I respect that. But I love him and I've lost a great guy. She's 40, insecure & is very threatened by me. She didn't want him to see me when he was here. She made him promise that he wouldn't hurt her.
He told me over dinner that the feelings he had for me were stronger than they are for her. I wrote him a letter which I gave him at the end of the night saying I'm sorry for not being able to commit earlier & explaining why, saying that I had imagined a life with him, but understand it's over & I wish him well.
I went NC for a while, and just 2 weeks ago, before he flew back to the UK, he contacted me and we met up. He was really open toward me, and said "thank you for giving me that letter" and we spoke about "us" and what went wrong etc. He was saying stuff like "if only I had waited that little bit longer", "I'd like to see you when I'm back in Australia in April, but I feel like an prick asking you to wait for me, but I'm scared I'll lose you again" etc.. I felt that in a way our connection grew stronger. And I know that if he knew how I had felt all those months ago, he wouldn't have started this relationship with her. He even said that he's still not sure about it, and that he feels that he started the relationship this other woman too soon.
Anyway, at the end of the night, he kissed me (passionately!) we both said that we still have feelings for each other. And he said "yeah I need to go back to the UK and really think about my situation"... And when he said "I also don't want to lose you again"... And I said to him that he won't lose me, and that I'm prepared to wait for him if that's what he wants. I said to him that I'm going to give him some time and space to sort out his situation, and that I'm not going to contact for a while out of respect to his current relationship. When I said "don't worry, you're not going to lose me" and said "GOOD Thank you, I really needed to hear that". This guy is NOT a player, in fact he's a really good guy (he's honest, if a little weak and tries to please everyone)... And I know I was the one who screwed up and pushed him away in the beginning.
A week ago, when he arrived back in the UK he sent me a text "landed safe and sound. Hope your days been good x".
How long should I wait to contact him? I know I need to give him space, but how much space and time do you think is reasonable for him to sort out his situation with this other woman?
I know that he doesn't want to hurt her, and if he broke up with her straight away, she'll probably guess it was because of me, and I imagine that he doesn't want her to think that - she could also create a lot of problems for him if she wanted to. But I just want to know where I stand with him and I want to know if I'm waiting in vain.
Any ideas comments guys? So anxious!
(p.s. I'm planning on moving back to the UK at the end of the year, and he'll be back in Australia in a few months in April).
Sorry it's so long.