I have been seeing my girlfriend for 2 years. We have lived together for 9 months.

We were so happy 6 months ago, we talked about our future... Marriage, our house etc. She used to have a 'settling down' mindset.

She then went away for 4 months. Upon her return she seemed fine at first but then I noticed something wasn't right. She no longer spoke of our future, and seemed confused and distant. I confronted her about it, and, after a while she became the complete opposite... Suddenly telling me how much she loved me, saying things like 'when we're married' and 'wait until we have kids'. Whilst this initially made me feel a little better about the situation, something still seemed wrong. She has been seeing a bloke from her (and my - we work in the same place) work almost everyday for coffee (sometimes with others, sometimes alone), but she tries to hide this fact from me. I've told her I'm not comfortable with it and so she hides it because she doesn't want to hurt me or make me suspicious.

I have become anxious and depressed... I can't sleep and I feel awful. I told her so, she continued to reassure me that she loved me and that she'd be there to help me recover. She says she is just friends with this chap, and promised me that I have nothing to worry about from this other chap. She told me she was a little upset that I would doubt her love to me and that I appeared to think of her as being so 'fickle' as to see someone behind my back.

They also go running together. She never used to enjoy running, told me it was merely a means to an end. But I overheard her on the phone telling her sister that recently she has started to enjoy it, that she has fun on her runs now.

I guess you could say that we've passed though our honeymoon period... That the banter has dried up a little. This was the case before she went away, but it wasn't a problem, we were still v happy with one another and communication was great (if not flirtatious / banterous any loner).
The bloke is very chatty, and she is naturally flirtatious and chatty too. I've seen them together and they are very flirtatious.

I see a worst case and a best case scenario here:

Best case: She does still love me and is committed to me but fulfills her need for banter by hanging out with this bloke.

Worst case: She is falling for this guy but is using me as a safety net in case it doesn't work out. She is telling me what she thinks I want to here.

This is killing me. I don't know what to do. The problem is, the more anxious I get, the less sleep I get and the more difficult I find it to be fun and animated around her, and hence the more she is going to associate the other bloke with fun.

What should I do? Lying next to her in bed I have the strong urge to tell her everything and break down and tell her how much I love her and that I can't imagine life without her etc etc. But, would I be right in thinking that that would be a terrible idea? That by seeming to be needy and dependent on her I may drive her away? But what should I do? How do I win her back?

Thanks very much for any help.

Tell her ,EVERYTHING you are feeling! Tell her you do feel like you are losseing her. Buy her cute little things and write her a long note or something, to show that you truly love her.. hope it all works out : (

Thanks for you reply. The trouble is, she knows fully well how much I love her. And I have done exactly what you advise... bought her gifts, written her a letter, told her everything. But now I'm unsure as to whether this is the best approach. I'm worried that by smothering her and showing her how dependent I am on her she may instinctively be driven away from me. But the trouble is I feel so depressed and anxious and am so sleep deprived from worry that I can't be fun to be with. I want to tell her how bad I feel but I'm worried that showing such insecurity will make the other bloke seem a more attractive option.

Man it isn't no winning her back why would you want to be somebody second choice? Sometime you need to let the person you love go so they could realize what they have and if they don't come back its not meant to be iknow its going to hurt but its life do what you have to do to get over if that's means cry den cry all this is doing making you stonger opening your eyes to new things you might want in a relationship so if this situation happen again you know how to handle it and it seem like you okay with her flirting with this man so if feel like she could do whatever she want to do to you no girl wants a man like that you need to man up and stop being in denial about the situation but I wish you the best:)and I hope you realize what you need to do before its to late

If you stop being so afraid of losing her, you might just start doing the things that attracted her to you before you started worrying about the competition, or looking like an insecure desperate weakling.

Then you could know what's acceptable behavior, and what's not. What's good honest communication, and what is NOT. Maybe its time to stop worrying about her staying in your life, and make one besides her, that makes you happy.

Surely you have other things that make you happy don't you??

Thanks for your replies.

Developments (far quicker than I expected)...

She told me she was going away to the beach (she's a marine biologist) to collect samples this weekend. I found out from a close friend at the same workplace that she was going with the bloke (in his free time).

Then this evening after work she came to me virtually in tears. She told me that she had had a bad day and didn't feel attractive, but wouldn't go into much more detail, told me that everything was OK, she was just tired, and so on. Then she asked me if I wanted to go to the beach this wkend with her, after previously not asking me if I wanted to go.

After this discussion everything came clear to me. My gut instinct was correct, I wasn't being paranoid. This came as a strangely liberating feeling, even though it was kind of confirming the worst.

Lying in bed I told her exactly my interpretation of what had been going on...
'you found said bloke attractive, you wanted to know if he was interested in you, today you found out that perhaps he wasn't, i.e. that he turned you down in some way'. She did not confirm what I said as such, but she did not object to what I was saying either. I told her I still loved her (which is true), but that I would break up with her if she continued to pursue other men. She remained silent, but shook her head when I asked her if she would do it again. I then said that she must leave me if she thought I could not make her happy. She assured me that I do make her happy, and that everything was fine, etc etc.

My interpretation of all this is that I can't trust her. I think she tells me exactly what she thinks I want to hear. I am worried that this type of episode will occur again. As I said previously, I am convinced for various reasios that she would not cheat on me physically.

One thing I'm not sure about is why she went after this bloke. Whether it was because she was genuinely pursuing him and was keeping me as a safety net in case he wasn't interested, or whether it was that she simply enjoyed the attention and was seeking the reassurance of approval by an (admittedly) attractive man. The strange thing is that throughout all this, despite being cold, she has mentioned some things regarding long terms plans, and has continued to knit me a hat! I suspect that she was testing the waters with the bloke to see where she was, whilst still thinking of me as her probable long term partner, and generally confused.

I now need to work out what to do next.

She will remain at her work, alongside the bloke, there will be more attractive men. She tells me that she's devoted to me now, but that's only after having been turned down (in a manner) by the bloke. The fact is that I love her, even her insecurities (which happen to include an, at times, shaky self esteem - hence being the type to enjoy attention). But if I can't trust her what's the point? I can't have the recent episode recurring again in another few months / year or whatever.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Obviously I don't expect anyone to tell me what I should do... just some thoughts / sharing of experiences or something. (This is my first serious relationship. I am 26.)

Do the best you coud do give your all && if she still do want you you just going to have to move on

I think you should work on yourself and your life now find things that would interest you I recommend boxing as you can let your bad energy out get busy and try to let her do whatever she wants and just by then you will know... u are stressed now and you feel so alone so unsupported handle it a bit more because the more you try to show her that you feel broken the more she feels that your a safe option whose always there for her try capoera or boxing meet new friends get social you will feel that your heavy breathing is getting lighter.

But if I can't trust her what's the point? I can't have the recent episode recurring again in another few months / year or whatever
That means talk and get it hashed out, because no communication=no relationship. What is the point of being with someone you cannot trust?


This is my first serious relationship. I am 26.)
I don't think she was a serious as you, nor do I believe she would be serious now, if she had not been rejected, from what you wrote.

Talaniman Rule - Never assume someone feels the same as you do!

Words, and actions have to match to build trust. May I submit that you may be so afraid of losing her that you have not considered she wasn't yours in the first place?

I can tell you that there are few women who actually understand when a man is scared of losing them. Most start pushing themselves away when you act that way. Your woman seems to be one of those. Try to be more confident and show her she love her and you have no fears. You need to show her what she has is more than enough. I never did it and I ended up alone.

You need to stop worrying so much, whether falls for the other guy is not something you have a choice over. What you DO have a choice over the level of attraction she has for you. Being depressed and feeling sorry for yourself and not being able to eat and being jealoous ALL the time is not attractive to anyone. Gain some confidence, go out with some male friends, get ahold of yourself and start acting like the man that this girl was once very in love with.

I just got out of a VERY similar situation, in which things ended a way I didn't want them to. Only difference is she wasn't talking to anyone, well at least I wouldn't know if she was. But I was acting the same way you were, we have recently broke up and no longer talking to her, don't you allow the same thing to happen to you. It is time to act like a man.