Ok so I have been living with Pete for the last two months (since Isla was born) and the last two weeks have been difficult. Been arguing loads about alsorts of things - but he will never compromise, always expects me to go with what he wants and will never talk of us as a family. Its always about him. Never 'We' just 'I' and when I do back down and agree (only on certain things I feel reasonable to do so) he then gives me the whole "but thats not you - thats not what you want".

I have consequently moved back to my mums because I did not want isla in an arguing environment - its not right or fair.

Every time we have some space and then meet to talk he is very negative - always saying "Its not going to work, It's not going to work" "It's not what I want" - but then he will change his mind just afterwards - only to change his mind again and then again. Its been left that he does not how he feels about me so I said that I could not be left dangling on a thread like last time - I needed to go forth and get on with my life because Isla is more important and we are soon to be made homeless as my mums house in on the market and there is nothing the council can do until the house is sold and even then it would mean a hostell!

I feel like I am back right where I started and really do not understnd where all this has come from with Pete! I justr don't get it. Everything was fine up until a couple of weeks ago and things have just gone down hill.
Please help me!

Hi Holly,

I just want to say that you have a beautiful baby. That is the most important beautiful gift of all.

This is a very stressful time. Emotions running high, lots of different changes with a baby now.

I just am going to write a few things, I hope you do not mind. I have been wondering how you have been doing.

I am sure you will get lots and lots of help from others here.

As far as the I, I , and more I's sounds like there are too many I's and it should be more about you and your beautiful baby.

You can not really say that your back to where your at before. Before you did not have this little baby in your life. Now you do. It is a choice that you are thankful for and is such a wonderful gift.

Communication is key, if he does not want to communicate. I do not understand this. This is not a real men. Everybody goes through there good times and bad times but it sounds like he is not handling things well.

I am sure I know what Wildcat will know exactly what to say, and I have an idea what he would say.

There has been too much drama here and maybe you are better off to end that part of your life, with pete?

He has said he does not know how he feels for you? Well it is time to say enough is enough.

I personally think it is time to give him the boot. Once and for all.

Joe

I would work on communication with him, tell him exactly what you are feeling using the when you... I feel...

AS JESUSHELPER says time to focus on you and your lovely little baby. Pete could also be a bit stressed being a father for the first time... maybe he does not know how to handle it. Maybe you are also stressed by all this and maybe seeing more negativity than is actually there..

I have tried to talk to him about how I feel - he just says we have too many differences and half the time my so called feelings are just a cop out, just an excuse! He has said he does not see things from my side of the fence nor understand where I am coming from. I have said this was never going to be easy and this is just a blip - but he seems to think it's a major problem and is basing everything on the last two weeks.

I am concentrating on Isla and myself at there mo which helps to take my mind off things, but I just want us to either be together or not together. He can't have it both ways.

He said he had loved having us both live with him - only to say after he loved us not living with him?. He is just messing with my head again.

What differences does he see exactly?
Maybe tell him what you appreciate in him and ask him what he appreciates in you and then talk about the differences..
Try and sit down calmly with him and have a good talk.
Above all keep positive and happy with him(even if you have to do some strong acting! )

Im sure the first few month or having a new baby must be quite difficult and stressful, and this could be part of the reason.

If I can chime in maybe moving in with Pete was a little too soon for you both. I know you have concerns about where you will be living soon but you are technically just moving towards a working relationship with him concerning the raising of your child together. From your previous post sounds as though my man Pete need a lot of patients and time, which you have if you look at it, what's the hurry your already a family for the next 18 years at least. Go slow and work on solving one problem at a time and let the others go for now, so figure your priorities and go from there. Pete isn't going any where so he really isn't the problem now or the focus of your attention. He was an attractive solution to your problems but be realistic, Your communication skills are not there yet as they are overshadowed by too many other things now. Instead of the relationship between you ,try talking about where you and your child will live when this house gets sold. He may help with a nice apartment for now. Its not mandatory to live together at this point. Where is your mom moving and have you considered stau with her?

We tried to sit down clamly together last night and talk. It s because we have a difference of opinion of how to get where we want to be - its nothing major but he seems to think it is and will not discuss it because its either his way or no way. He has backed me into a xcorner. Almost as if he does not want us to work or be together so he is trying to make me end it so he does not have to!

Talliman the problem is he won't support in finding a p;ace for myself and Isla. This is the issue. I want to have my own place for a bit until we are in a position to move in and buy a place together - but he does not want me to do and won't have me do that is we are together. I either move in with him and his parents no matter how long that might be until we buy a place or we don't stay together.

Does he understand the reason why you want your own place for a while. Maybe he does not see the point and prefers you all staying at his parents to save money for the new place.
Does he understand the reason you want your own place for a while is because you want to go SLOW?

He understands perfectly. Her said he wanted to be sure we were going to work out. So I suggested I get my own place for that reason - but also it gave me security. Isla and I would have somewhere to live whether we worked out or not. I said to him what if we don't work out bitliving at your parents?? Where do I go then? And what would I do?

OK I see.

Hmm don't know... all I can suggest is to perhaps just take each day as it comes without worrying if it is going to work out or not... today is a gift ,that's why they call it the present... keep that in mind. In the worst case scenario if it does not work out he will have to pay his share of support, but perhaps deal with that if the time comes and don't worry about it for now.

Holly,

You said it. It kind of hit me like you have hit the nail on the head. He wants to back you in a corner and force you to make a decision. If he is not supportive for your reasoning. Then I am not sure how supportive he will be for other things. I know I said this before, but I am so sorry that he has turned out to be such an immature person. We all had high hopes for all of you. No matter what happens remember that your little one is your precious gift and that the love you share with the baby, will be best. Best of luck with everything and in your heart. What is best for you, what makes you happiest. Make the decision that will keep you happy. Of course, your baby is what makes you happy. Pete just confuses you. It is what is best for you and the baby now. In order to be able to take care of the baby, you need to make sure that your well yourself. I know you will always be there for your little one. (;

Joe

Hard all this but I'm going to disagree with a few of the others and say it isn't you that comes first its your daughter and if I'm totally honest from now on you are a mum first the rest comes second.
As for pete he seriously sounds like he needs a reality check what planet is he on?
Im sorry poppet but you need to take action let him float in his buble. Let the council house you so what you will be in a bedsit for maybe 3 weeks it's a short time in anyone's life my good friend max did it and a young girl I know that is 17 is about to do it but you'll do it because its better than any other option and there is a huge light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you and Isla.
Yeah OK so its not going to be fun for a few weeks but it will be worth it in the long run come on Holy I know you can do it :D

Hey Holly, Congratulations on your child!! A blessing!!

Glad you moved out. I was way too afraid Pete was troo imature and too young to handle this. Most guys aren't ready to handle this until age 30 or even 40. Too bad he's so selfish. This is not something that will lbe fixed over night. This is also a control issue.

Can you seek Child Support? I mean does he make enough money?

Holly... please forgive me if I have this wrong but is Pete's argument to stay at a "free" place so you both can save the fastest way possible to use to get your own place together and suggested his parents' home since your mother's home is quickly becoming not suitable due to a pending sale?

If it is, then what's wrong with that? I would make the same argument, I think.

Then again I may be confused here too...

Val - I'd spread the love - but I already spread it too much to you - I agree.

A very reasonable concern in my opinion. So what we have is a roof over your head. I don't know how they do it in the UK, but in America we can secure child support through the courts and that is the bottom line as then whether he decides to help or not that area is taken care of. While I understand you both have your positions I urge you to keep talking , but do not depend on him as of now. But do for you and your child as the first priority. Let Pete do what he thinks is best and save but you do as you see fit, and put a roof over your head and secure the child support.

I never thought of it that way. I hope Holly sees everybody else's answer, but Holly has had problems with Pete right from the start. She needs to see things from all sides. All opinions. Then Holly make a decision that is best for you. All the best to you and your little one. Always.

P.S. Val you brought up an excellent point.


Joe

A very reasonable concern in my opinion. So what we have is a roof over your head. I don't know how they do it in the UK, but in America we can secure child support thru the courts and that is the bottom line as then whether he decides to help or not that area is taken care of. While I understand you both have your positions I urge you to keep talking , but do not depend on him as of now. But do for you and your child as the first priority. Let Pete do what he thinks is best and save but you do as you see fit, and put a roof over your head and secure the child support.

Tal things like that only go to court if it gets nasty here 9/10 the parent being filed against isn't stupid enough to play games with the child maintenance dept but to be honest they take a pityfull percent of the wage and then the father can dodge it very easily there are massive loup holes in that side of the benefit service but on the other hand she can screw the government for all kinds of things :)

Joe holly isn't that daft ;) she will listen to everyone and make her own decisions.

Well seems you Brits, do things differently but the point is the same, Take care of the innocent one while mom and dad figure themselves out.

The issues between Pete and I are much greater. He does not help me with Isla in the slightest - I am still doing everything in on my own.

He stopped spending time with us both shortly after we moved in - I felt neglected and unwanted.

And he reckons I gave up my right to have my independence because I have had a baby!

I see his point and was prepared to compromise by moving in with him on the basis he did something to help me with Isla - you know meet in the middle - but that's pretty much when he said he wasn't sure how he feels about me!

That is not good.

No I know. \his mum, is coming to collect Isla tomorrow evening for a couple of hours to spend some time with her and to enable pete to see her without me being involved and without me having to face pete! She will then drop her back to me a couple of hours later.

I am doing the right thing by letting Pete see his daughter and we are supposed to be having a chat in a couple of days - if things are still the same then that's when we will talk maintenance. I have got no problems with him paying for his daughter. He has already said we will discuss that if/when it comes to it.

You give your baby a kiss and hug from our little family to yours. Sounds like the baby is doing well, and yes it is good to have that time with the baby. You trust Petes mom right? You were pretty close as far as I can remember. Anyway, please let us know how things go and you and your little one is in our thoughts.

Joe

Thank you so much for help and support as always. I don't know what I would do without you all. My littlin is just over 2 months old now ans well over 10 pounds in weight. She is smiling, giggling, holding her head up and really is my little star.

I do trust Petes Mum - hence the reason I will only allow her to go round theirs if she is there.

I will take all your thoughts and suggestions into account and try and make a decision (Its really tough being here again; but I have Isla this time so I am not on my own and she loves me like no other could and I love her just the same.

Will keep you all posted as things unfold over the next few days - but any more thoughts along the way are always appreciated. Xxx

I will take all your thoughts and suggestions into account and try and make a decision (Its really tough being here again; but I have Isla this time so I am not on my own and she loves me like no other could and I love her just the same.



Excuse me Holly for getting a little stroppy, but this sentence above just says it all doesn't it?

Im sorry for this drama to rear it ugly head again. You don't deserve that in the slightest. Throughout this whole ordeal you have shown a strength and resolve that only a remarkable women could, so whatever happens we all know that you will be fine and eventually everything will work itself out.

And as you say, its different this time, you have more support than just us here. You've got the most special kind of support, a little baby daughter and she will love her mum no matter what happens!

Don't be a stranger!

Just curious DJ, but Pete is not afraid of caring for Isla is he? I just remember my first an was scared to death changing that first diaper or making formula and not knowing what to do when my son wouldn't stop crying. I got use to it but it is a new experience for young guys. Not making excuses just asking.

Post Natal Depression Support for Fathers (http://www.fathersdirect.com/index.php?id=2&cID=86)

Just adding a little to what Tal said the above might be an interesting read for you. Not saying it applies at all and more than likely it doesn't, but I was reading an article in my paper the other day about how doctors and midwives are finding more and more men find it a challenging time after the birth of a child.

Perhaps his stress and fear is contributing to the stress in your relationship.

Just some food for though! I couldn't find the article I read so I just googled "Post Natal Depression in Men" and come across this!

I agree with the above as well. My little one is four months, but at the beginning I was scared &%$# less. Very nervous and uneasy and at times did not know what to do. Now it is becoming a lot more natural. I am a lot more relaxed and easy going. I do know there were certain things that I would try to avoid at first because of fear, but it all became a piece of cake with the help of family and friends and especially the friends here with so much support and great advice.

Joe

I agree with the above as well. My little one is four months, but at the beginning I was scared &%$# less. Very nervous and uneasy and at times did not know what to do. Now it is becoming a lot more natural. I am a lot more relaxed and easy going. I do know there were certain things that I would try to avoid at first because of fear, but it all became a piece of cake with the help of family and friends and especially the friends here with so much support and great advice.

Joe

My brother has just had his second little boy (my little champion nephews) and I can see a massive difference in the way things are this time around.

The first time everything had to be done by the book. They new everything (or at least they thought they did) and no one else could tell them otherwise. But they were so stressed about getting everything right and it created stress on everyone around them. It was really quite annoying for those of us looking in but we understood.

The second time round it was a lot more laid back. A lot less stress and everyone was happier.

I know it is a little of track Holly but just an example of how babies can seem to cause stress on everyone around them early on!

I know and I did explain to pete that he should give us a break. |We had just had a baby which is a big thing - living together for the first time w
As never going to be easy; especially having Isla too , I even asked if there were problems because I couldn't give him as much attention at the mo.

But he said no to most and that the rest was just rubbish.

I feel a bit better today. Isla has been laughing and smiling anD talking lots of baby language to me.. which keeps me smiling.

Sorry DJ (et al) but Pete needs to "bloody grow up"!

Either you want a family with the person you love or don't get involved. Maybe I'm wrong but just another point of view.

Personally I didn't take my own advice and baled out of the relationship. Not my best decision, but at least I took that decision and the ex got on with her life. She has re-married and is doing very well.

Hi Holly,
Have you applied for council housing? You are entitled to your own house, and can you share living with friends and family members until something suitable comes up in the interim so you won't have to be in a hostel?
The housing issue is one that could work out well for you.

I agree with what Tal says - there is no rush on your relationship with Pete. It seems as if you both wanted to play happy families, but the pressures are too large for both of you just now.

Jesushelper and Wildcat are speaking sense - Pete does need to grow up, but what you have to look at is that he isn't doing it now, when it matters to you most.

What do you want from him? Right now, you feel "neglected and unwanted". That must feel pretty cr*p, no?
You have put so much effort and hope into keeping things on an even keel with this guy, who seems unable to meet you halfway. Why on earth are you bending over backwards for him again? I honestly feel he's being so selfish towards you. Think of all the men out there who are just dying for a child to nurture, and you have to call him on caring for his own daughter! He has fickle whims of wanting you and then freaks out that it won't work - why is he thinking ahead all the time, when what you need is someone to appreciate you in the now?

And you are such a beautiful person! You are someone who knows how important the "now" of something is... don't let it come to a realisation that you have been pining for something to be right that may never be. The "now" of this scenario unfortunately, is that he is not up to scratch... let him prove himself whilst you are busy rearing the gorgeous life you both created.

Unfrotunaytely Pete won't be grown until his 30's I fear. Just too young. Guys these days aren't ready for things like marriage until their 30's.

Have u suggested couple counseling together?