I am an Army officer deployed to Afghanistan. My (ex?)fiancee is deployed to Kosovo. We planned and organized our deployments so we would leave and return about the same time. We keep our plans between us and our closet friends. She hasn't told anyone at work, because we know a lot of the same people and we don't want to affect her Army reputation, which as a female, is very precarious (you're either a ***** or a tramp).

After this assignment I was to be married and go to Brussels to NATO HQ and she would go to grad school there. As recently as 2 weeks ago we worked on her application together. But that's over--for now.
It all started New Year's Eve. I tried to play in a 3 on 3 tournament but I blew my ankle out in the warmups. I went to call my FiancŽe, she said she'd need "crew rest" (pilot) and wouldn't be able to speak at midnight. I was fine with that. In the morning, she had left me happy emails in the middle of the night AFTER midnight her time (she is 3:30 behind me). When we spoke I asked her what happened to the crew rest. She exploded and wanted a 'break'. I complied with NO contact until she finally wrote me. Five days later I get the longer explanation: that we weren't going to work, that she needed space to think on her own, that being in a relationship was wrong for her, etc. I let go for a while, but then I started putting two and two together with medical symptoms she had explained to me earlier (her period is lasting 2-3 weeks each month, panic attacks, depression, argumentative, bitter feeling.) I believe she definitely has a mood disorder and/or a hormone imbalance.

On 29 Dec she was asking me my ring size, which hand I would wear a "commitment ring" and talking about our planned trip to Brussels in Feb. On 10 Jan she canceled our trip (with a veiled lie about leave being canceled) and told me to go alone, said she needs time to think and doesn't want to talk to me. I told her I would wait and see if she could get leave another time and if she could that I would re-arrange my leave dates. She said to go on by myself. I called and we spoke for a long time and finally agreed to respect her request for a "break." Then I foolishly, sent her a link to a website that showed the medical condition she is experiencing (PMDD) and, of course, that set her off. (She also knows that I told her friend what I believe as well, and THAT set her off even more.) She told me: "ENOUGH! JUST leave me alone!" I believe I should give her 30 days cooling off, and try to make gentle contact just to ask how she's doing. Any other or better advice? She didn't say (I never want to speak to you again, it's over. On the contrary, she said she loved me a few days before, but that it just won't work.

I'm going to Australia for a week and then to the states for another week and that will be my leave now. I won't push her on leave dates anymore and I won't speak to her friends. I'm going for 30 days no contact starting today Friday 13th! I may see her family to get some of my stuff at their place... or should I just leave it all there and discuss it after the deployment? What should I do. I love her. If she fixes the hormones, there is nothing here that isn't fixable.

First, let me say I completely understand the feeling of disconnection associated with a combat tour. I spent a year looking for IED's in Iraq, I know how far away things can seem. I don't know exactly what your job in Afghanistan is, but your first priority needs to be to watch your buddies' backs. You really don't want someone to not make it home because you were distracted with girlfriend issues.

That being said, unless you're a psychiatrist, you're not qualified to diagnose any personality disorder, especially through emails and chance phone calls. She might just be confused, or not ready for the level of commitment you are asking for, or any of a myriad of things, none of which are personality disorders. She said to leave her alone, so leave her alone. Not for thirty days, not for 60 days, just leave her alone. If she wants to get back later, which she might not, let her figure that out. As far as getting your stuff back, do that after the deployment. It will give you time to cool off, and getting it back now would be a logistical nightmare.

Best of luck to you.

I agree. But... she is the one who asked ME to marry her. I didn't push any of that. It was all her idea. She's getting help now, but I am staying clear unless asked back. It's one of the hardest things in my life to date. Getting back to work now...

Thanks for your service. I hit 6 IEDs in Al-Anbar but you and your route clearance guys saved many, many lives and I will always tell people that is the bravest thing anyone ever did. SOF, SEAL, Ranger, I don't care. Any support platoon full of truck drivers and cordon and search. Going out on route clearance is the most altruistic thing anyone has ever done.