I am a 22 year old male, currently in college, and I am writing because I am having absolutely no luck in finding dates. At all. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong. While in college, I walk up to girls, both in my class and otherwise, I introduce myself, talk about their interests and classes and careers and all sorts of other things and then, after a hour or more, I give them my number. I never hear back. Ever. I have given my number out to at least thirty girls in the past semester, yet not received a single phone call. I have also taken the more direct approach and invited them out to lunch or snack. Not a single one, out of the twenty or so I have invited, has taken me up on the offer. Most of them say their too busy, at which point I offer to meet them at a different time, yet they seem to be "busy" every day of the week. I suppose its possible, but considering every single person who used that excuse is supposedly busy 24/7, I am beginning to wonder if some of them are just trying to get rid of me. I have also expressed the idea of being friends, with identical results. The first few times I asked for the other persons phone number (even though I wouldn't get it), but I stopped doing that after one girl blew up at me saying that it "wasn't how you were supposed to do it."

On the dating sites I use my situation is just as bad. I put several photos up with a profile describing how I am trustworthy, honest, kind, and describe my interests, but I never get contacted and the people I contact almost never respond. Of the five times I got responses, once got me three replies before dropping abruptly off the face of the earth, two gave me five responses before the same thing happened, one person gave me one message and then stopped replying, and one I actually met once before she made it clear she wasn't looking for a relationship. With all of these I replied with lengthy discussions and questions about the other person when they responded and yet with almost all (except one or two) of them the replies were short, usually of two or three sentences. Currently I am using Okcupid and Match.com, though I only started with Match a few days ago and so haven't sent nearly as many inquiries out as with Okcupid.

I really have no clue what I'm doing wrong, I look fairly attractive, I express interest in the other person, and I act really nice to them. Everything seems to be all right and I should be getting some interest, but yet I have no luck. One of my coworkers at one point said I'd have better luck if I acted like a jerk, and while every women I met swears up and down they'd never date an *******, the *******s keep getting dates and yet I can't get the slightest bit of interest. Its like I have a scarlet letter on my forehead or something.

Any advice is appreciated.

I don't know for sure but perhaps you're coming across as being too needy. If you give up too much information and start asking too many questions right away, some women will decide you are needy, desperate, or just plain creepy.

You could try to back off a little bit. Maybe when you meet someone, talk to them a little bit but don't hold them for an hour while talking... tell them you'll see them around or see them later but leave it open ended. Don't give up all your information and secrets right away, Don't ask too many questions or seem like you're overly interested... don't ask for a number or give a number on the first meet... it makes you look incredibly desperate. Play it cool... relax... act like it's not really a big deal.

This all applies to the dating sites too I would say. If you're writing out paragraphs right away and getting back one or 2 liners, then you need to change your tactics. Keep it simple and work into things as time goes on.

Well, I appreciate the answer. But the problem with asking on a subsequent meet is that there almost never is a subsequent meet. I usually see people once, then never again and if I don't give or get any info then neither of us has any way of contacting each other. The exception is people in my classes, who I tend to wait longer on but they still refuse to have any interest in me.

Also, you say not to ask too many questions but if that's the case what should we talk about? Pretty much every subject is introduced by asking questions. Music is introduced by asking what bands they like, movies are introduced by asking what films they like, hobbies are introduced by asking what they like to do in their free time, etc. What can we talk about that doesn't involve questions?

Are you turning a meet into a Twenty Questions? I get a feeling of tenseness and neediness and desperation just from what you've written, and I'm guessing the word has gotten around that you are this way.

Now I'm thinking, how would he counteract that impression? Let me think on that for a bit and get back to this thread soon after doing some real-life research.

I admit I may be coming across as rather desperate. Most people say I am a nice person to be around and I get along fine with most people... I just can't seem to get from the "talk to" phase to the "friend" phase. And since I am already 22 I am fast running out of time to make friends with people before I have to get into a career and my free time drops dramatically. I'm just so lonely, and I don't know what to do. If this is the problem, how can I avoid appearing that way? I have a great deal of trouble hiding my emotional state due to my asperger's syndrome... Should I just try to stop caring and hope people come to me? I doubt that would work, but I could try.

I have a great deal of trouble hiding my emotional state due to my asperger's syndrome... Should I just try to stop caring and hope people come to me? I doubt that would work, but I could try.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!! Asperger's was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't want to muddy the waters by mentioning it. I'm married to an Aspie and have an autistic son, so I might be able to help more than I thought.

Yeah, it was hell the first 15 years of my life but now that I am on my combination anti-psychotic/anti-depressant it doesn't affect me nearly as much. I function pretty normally, in that I can guess most body language cues and can function quite well when interacting with people.The main issue is that I tend to be very bad at hiding my emotions, and while I can still be polite and stuff I have difficulty regulating my tone of voice and body language, so most people can tell when I'm angry/upset/frustrated even when I try to hide it. Any advice you can give me would be welcome.

My husband made no friends throughout school, but started making them once he got a job and was building a career in electronics. His friends were the same kind of person he was -- passionate about detail and trivia. He loves photography, so found a friend who was in a local photo club he joined. Several guys he worked with became friends for life. He isn't swamped with friends, but the ones he has are worth their weight in gold. And, of course, I add enormously to his life. :D

What career are you headed for, or what type of job do you want after graduation?

How's your eye contact?

Do you have any hobbies? -- writing, photography, car repair, cooking?

Do you drive?

I am not completely certain as to what career I want, I am probably going for a bachelors in chemistry which has a lot of opportunities, not sure what the specifics are though. I have about 3 years till I graduate, which may seem like a lot but really isn't considering how much time a relationship takes to develop.

My eye contact is OK, could be better. I am making a conscious effort to look people in the eyes, though I still wind up looking at their mouth or neck instead by accident. I sometimes look away if it is a difficult subject for me to talk about, such as the abuse I suffered in elementary school, but when talking about hobbies and stuff eye contact is fairly good. I think.

My major hobbies are video games and comic books. I also am really into music and films and I used to play magic the gathering and dungeons and dragons before it started costing too much for me to afford them. I admit these are very male-driven hobbies (hardly any girls at the local gaming store), but I try very hard to express interest in the hobbies the people I talk to have.

I have my license, but I do not have a car. Currently I depend on either the bus or my parents (who I live with) for rides.

I'd say, don't worry about a relationship. Instead, concentrate on school.

Before I came along, my husband had dated one girl and it was a nothing situation. He and I went to different colleges, worked together part-time at a YMCA cafeteria (suppertime, behind the steam table, next to each other -- he dished up vegetables and I handed out beverages and desserts). He happened to live near my college, so dropped me off after our work ended. Our first date was to a state park. It turned out he wanted me to go with him to carry all his camera equipment.

Will you be able to handle driving? Some with Asperger's cannot handle the overstimulation.

I can handle driving, I don't particularly like it due to the stress, but I can do it just fine. And while it sounds simple to say "focus on school" I *really* want a girlfriend. I just am so tired of being lonely all the time, if I had more friend it wouldn't be such an issue but I only have one friend that texts me on a regular basis, all the others are too busy to even talk. Also, I think it would be a lot harder to find a girlfriend when I'm working 40 hours a week than when I'm working 10 and going to school 15. So yeah, I think finding one early is a better idea.

Well, you don't just "find" one. I know several guys your age or a little older who feel all this pressure to get into a relationship because that's what they see others their age doing.

Actually, I would think your chances of meeting someone you click with will be a lot greater when you are working than what it is now. How many free hours you have in your day has nothing to do with connecting to someone. And even if you are working 40 hours a week, you will still have lots of free time.

It's like getting pregnant. The more you force the issue and turn it into the sole mission in your life, the less likely it is to happen.

Do you ever see a young woman hanging about who looks like she could use someone to talk with or just a friendly conversation over cup of coffee? What kind of young women are you chasing?

Why do you think working would increase the odds of a match? I mean I could see that happening if I dated a coworker, but that's a really bad idea from what I've been told.

What kind of women do I ask? Pretty much anyone I see at school. I've asked all sorts of girls, including chemistry majors, psychology majors, nursing majors, engineering majors, tall girls, short girls, skinny girls, overweight girls, pretty much anyone I meet on campus. The only real dealbreakers are that 1. I can't afford kids yet and 2. I need anyone I date to be tolerant of the LGBT community. I never bring that up early on, obviously, so I would theoretically accept almost anyone. Yet I still never am given a chance.

Why do you think working would increase the odds of a match? I mean I could see that happening if I dated a coworker, but that's a really bad idea from what I've been told.
No, not a coworker, but you will probably live in an apartment, maybe have a dog, maybe walk your dog and meet other dog walkers. Or you will do your laundry and meet others doing their laundry and some of those others will be young women. Or you might join a gym or a church or volunteer somewhere, and meet young women.

What kind of women do I ask? Pretty much anyone I see at school. I've asked all sorts of girls, including chemistry majors, psychology majors, nursing majors, engineering majors, tall girls, short girls, skinny girls, overweight girls, pretty much anyone I meet on campus.
Okay, if you have tried to get acquainted with that many types and have nothing to show for it, something is wrong somewhere.

If someone had said yes to a date, then what would you have done?


The only real dealbreakers are that 1. I can't afford kids yet and 2. I need anyone I date to be tolerant of the LGBT community.
Why kids? Why LGBT?

How are you with holding hands and hugging and being physically demonstrative? For instance, my husband and son hate to touch and be touched.

No, not a coworker, but you will probably live in an apartment, maybe have a dog, maybe walk your dog and meet other dog walkers. Or you will do your laundry and meet others doing their laundry and some of those others will be young women. Or you might join a gym or a church or volunteer somewhere, and meet young women.
Fair enough, but I *really* don't want to wait that long.

Okay, if you have tried to get acquainted with that many types and have nothing to show for it, something is wrong somewhere.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out. What's wrong somewhere.

How are you with holding hands and hugging and being physically demonstrative? For instance, my husband and son hate to touch and be touched.
I'm fine with physical demonstration. I can hug with the best of them.

Why kids? Why LGBT?
The kids is just that I can't afford them right now. I only earn about 5k a year as a dishwasher and the economy is so bad finding another job isn't really an option.

The LGBT... Thats a bit more complicated. See, I am not gay but I have a very unusual sexuality. Specifically, I can only get turned on by the thought of another person (usually a women) dressing me up in girl's clothes. Otherwise it doesn't work. At all. I still love girls, but in and of themselves they are not sexually attractive. Only if crossdressing is added can I work through it. And I can't change my sexual preference, much as I wish I could. This obviously isn't something that can really be addressed early on but I can usually get a good idea by inquiring about the persons attitude towards LGBT rights. So, yeah...

Fair enough, but I *really* don't want to wait that long.
Well, you are pushing the envelope. Just be involved with study groups and join some school clubs and hang out at the library. You can't force attraction/love. It'll happen when it happens.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out. What's wrong somewhere.
How about asking the guy you text with or one of your parents -- someone who will be totally truthful with you. Ask someone what they notice about you that's off-putting. Of course, you will have to take the information as a learning experience.

An Asperger's friend has a bad habit of getting too close into someone's space and even jabbing his pointer finger in a person's face when he gets excited and wants to make his point. He buttons up his shirt to the very top which makes him look very stiff and nerdy. He has a few odd mannerisms ("stimming") that cause people to raise eyebrows and wander away from him. Meanwhile, he's smart, a good writer, kind of cute, and a college grad. Until someone takes him under their wing and works with him, girls aren't going to be rushing over to him or going out on dates with him.

The kids is just that I can't afford them right now.
No one is asking you to have kids with her, is she? Where does this concern come from?

I am not gay but I have a very unusual sexuality.
This greatly complicates matters, but let's deep-six it for now.

I meant more like, I can't afford any kids she might already have. Sorry I wasn't clear. The one person who regularly texts me lives in Florida and I live in New Mexico, so I can't really ask her advice. My parents... They actually see so many things wrong with me that their advice isn't very helpful. I also fight a lot with them, even though I rarely fight with other people, so that colors our relationship a lot.

What do you mean deep-six? Ignore it for now? I know it can be a real big issue, so I try not to reveal it unless asked. Believe me, I'd give up almost anything to be normal.

The one person who regularly texts me lives in Florida and I live in New Mexico, so I can't really ask her advice.
Does she know you in real life?

My parents... They actually see so many things wrong with me that their advice isn't very helpful. I also fight a lot with them, even though I rarely fight with other people, so that colors our relationship a lot.
Anything useful, though?

What do you mean deep-six? Ignore it for now? I know it can be a real big issue, so I try not to reveal it unless asked. Believe me, I'd give up almost anything to be normal.
It's the least of your problems right now. And you wouldn't bring this up until you had some kind of productive relationship going.

Who would honestly assess how you come across to people?

Not really, we only communicate via text. We'd like to see each other in person, but it's going to wait till the summer when we can afford it.

The most important thing I got from my parents is that I tend to show my feelings, even when I try to hide them. I try to be very cheerful and helpful to people I meet though, so I'm not sure if that's the issue.

I do have a teacher/counseler person I could ask, she might be able to help as she works with special services and deals with this kind of stuff. I'll see her next week and ask her then.

Is there an email function or something I could use to communicate with you? I'm not sure if I want everyone seeing everything I post.

The teacher/counselor would be a good person to ask. And don't let her soft-pedal it. Ask for -- demand! -- the unvarnished truth. The sooner you can polish the rough spots, the easier it will be to find friends and dates. And write down what she says so you have something to refer to later. You and she will want to role-play, for instance. If you're brave enough, ask a girl or two whom you know well enough to help you in the Student Union or in an empty classroom. Tell her your situation and ask for her input plus do some role-playing with her. Girls love to mentor guys!

We're not supposed to take discussions off threads and off site, so if it's something you don't want to post, don't post it. I do think this thread can be helpful to others with social problems and/or Asperger's.

Oh, the "show feelings" thing -- did you have temper tantrums as a child? Does showing your feelings usually mean negative ones, like you can get upset easily or angry with accompanying facial expressions and body language?

I will do that. Thank you for all the advice. I really appreciate it. Do you have any other tips?

And yes, I threw a lot of tantrums as a kid. It got a lot better when I was put on my medication though. And yes, I can get upset or angry, though I try very hard to minimize it when I am with other people. Occasionally I mess up, but that usually doesn't happen too often

I don't know what access you have to TV. On Thursday evenings at 7 my time (Central), there's a sitcom call Big Bang Theory. Sheldon Cooper, the main character, has Asperger's. Watch it this week, if you get a chance.

I've seen a bit of big bang theory, didn't find it funny at all. Sorry, just not my kind of show

Interesting. My autistic son loves it. I thought you and I could discuss Sheldon's manner and what he could change about himself. Oh, well.

The counselor might be your best chance to figure out if you're doing something wrong, so we'll put our money on her.

Indeed. If I post to this thread in the future with questions, will you get a notification?

It will show up on my list of "subscribed to" questions. I'm retired now and will be here watching for you to show up. Meanwhile identify one specific thing about yourself you think should be worked on. We'll talk about that next time we meet.

I think the thing I should work on is accepting myself, and by extension my current status. I have a *lot* of guilt regarding the fact I was an uncontrollable hellraiser for the first 15 year of my life due to the fact my autism prevented any impulse control. I'd like to be able to forgive myself, but I honestly don't know how.

You HAVE forgiven yourself. You ARE sorry for how things used to be. You ARE happy solutions were found.

Rather than turn this into a cognitive exercise in futility with the constant need to relive the past that you couldn't control and beat yourself up over it, why not start from here and go forward into the future that you CAN control? By NOT behaving as a hellraiser now, you are erasing memories of what you used to be like plus are presenting a new you who is much more lovable and easy to get along with.

So how can you act now to counteract the image of the hellraiser you used to be?

I wouldn't sat I've forgiven myself, as I still turn my past actions over and over in my head and wish I could've done things differently. I just can't seem to let go. I act a lot better now, trying to help people out and act a lot more patient, but I feel that if I let go of the past I will forget the lessons I learned from my suffering. Not that I know how to let go anyway, its not something I can just turn on or off like a faucet or lightswitch.

You were a victim of a genetic condition in the past and were not deliberately causing the problems you had. I hereby give you permission to let go.

The very fact that you are looking for help, have found this site and are asking for advice, shows that you are trying to move forward. You certainly do not sound like the kind of person who enjoys wallowing in the mud of the past, and it seems like you want to improve your life and make things better.

I definitely don't enjoy it, but I worry that if I don't keep beating myself up I would make the mistakes over again.

Some people have suggested finding girlfriends would be easier if I didn't care so much, that if I was more accepting towards my single status I wouldn't seem so desperate. Problem is, I am a very social person and the fact I have barely any friends just kills me. Do you know how I can deal better at being alone?

You won't make the mistakes you did when younger because you are an entirely different person now--more mature, more aware of yourself, taking meds that smooth out your temperament, and swimming in an entirely different pool.

That's why I asked you about hobbies. If you like chess, find people who play chess. If you like to cook and bake, find people who want to do that sort of thing in their spare time. Join the drama group and act in some plays or do scenery or makeup or be an understudy. In college, there should be a wealth of possibilities for you!

Another thought. Are you upfront about the Asperger's? Joel was new to my writers' group and didn't want to tell anyone he has Asperger's. I figured it out right away but didn't say anything (of course). Everyone knew something was going on with him, but just couldn't put their finger on it. I talked with him privately and encouraged him to "confess" so the group could maintain its integrity (we have members with all sorts of disabilities, are from a variety of cultures, etc. and have eagerly shared this information)--so in his next story that he read to the group, his main character had Asperger's, and then Joel told everyone at the end that he does too. Immediate relief washed over faces. After talking about it and answering some questions, he was accepted by the group and has become an important part of it.

When do you see the counselor you talked about? This might be something to run past her, that you unabashedly and forthrightly talk about Asperger's. There's so much in the news about it lately anyway, so you would be doing a public service too.

Possibly, thing is, most of my hobbies (video games, comic books, magic the gathering) are almost entirely composed of males. There are hardly any girls who do this kind of stuff. I've considered trying something new, but I really have no idea what I'd like. And every time I try something and it doesn't work out I either feel awful for giving up or feel awful for having wasted my time.

I am completely honest when I meet people, and I usually bring up aspergers early. Though it doesn't seem to do me any favors. I see my counselor in a week, but I am not quite sure what you say I should bring up.

I feel like flying out there (wherever you are) and mentoring you.

When do you see the counselor?

I really think that's a kind thing to say. I know your probably not serious but I appreciate the thought. I see my counselor on Tuesday at 2:00. I am planning on asking her about any body language I may be doing that may be putting people off. Possibly other things too, not sure what.

I'd CALL you if I weren't restrained by the rules of the site. What you are experiencing is a VERY important part of being an Aspie--finding acceptance by the "normals."

Have you ever participated on an Aspie chat board?

No I haven't. I don't do very many message boards to be honest.

I really would like a call... Perhaps if you could e-mail me at >email address removed< I could send you my phone number through email. Nobody has to know.

Yeah, the whole world would know. I had to remove your address -- rules, you know.

Well, OK. I am disappointed but I understand. I will point out I use the same username on quite a few other sites, so if you Google it maybe you could contact me through a different site. Just a thought.

So anyway what would you suggest?

Look for organizations at your college and also be sure to meet with that counselor next week.

Ok I see well just try being less talkative maybe let them start some of the conversations or something you know? You sound like a great person, I will be perfectly honest with you a LOT of women now a days just want the same as most men, one night stands and what nots. I live in the bronx and that's all I see. Good luck to you, maybe the lord is reserving a special person for you :)