dam577
Jan 9, 2012, 01:55 PM
Hello,
Some background information: I'm 29 y/o, recent masters graduate in a social science, living in NYC. I am pretty intelligent, attractive, and a sincere person. I have a history of addiction, to weed, alcohol, women, anything that feels good to me. Also I have pretty severe anxiety at times, and it runs in my family (my grandma and dad both have IBS and other anxiety-related issues).
I have been pretty close to suicide a few different times in my life. I am not generally depressed or depressive, but I have had pretty serious anxiety ever since I can remember.
Various things have worked to some extent to ease the anxiety and allow me to live a productive and generally happy life, such as exercise, friendship, Alcoholics Anonymous (saved my life). I haven't really been going to meetings lately, and have been drinking some (not a lot) and smoking some weed as it eases the anxiety quite a bit and allows me to have moments of joy.
So that's where I'm at emotionally right now. Not a good place. It terms of circumstances, I think I have more stress on me than I would ever have imagined. First, I'm living alone with no family and a few close friends here in the big city. I have a job, but it pays little and isn't really what I want to do (I understand finding your dream job doesn't happen over night). I have absolutely no savings, no assets --- which doesn't really bother ME (although it seems to bother just about everyone else reared in western culture). However, what does bother me is the massive student debt I have hanging over my head (over 100K) that I am now starting to fall behind on paying and will most likely default on much of it. Also my mother cosigned on some of it so I'm trying to pay those loans that she cosigned on first but she may catch some of that bad debt :(
Other circumstances: Women --- hmmm --- I've dated many girls since I've been here in NYC -- mostly not serious but a few serious. My most recent ex I dated for about a month and a half, and she abruptly broke up with me, citing some past traumatic stuff. That was a month ago, and I'm mostly over it but will probably always be in love with her. My ex before that I was with for 6 months and she also abruptly broke up with me and kicked me out on the street with no place to go and no money, and no friends here in NYC. That was a year ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. I made it through that though, and actually enjoyed much of the year.
However, I'm at a point right now where I haven't felt much joy or hope that I ever will feel joy -- I guess the best way I can put into words is to point to my massive debt, apparent inadequacy for a LTR, and I also have a general feeling that I just don't fit in here ( I can only speak for the States, never lived anywhere else). I feel like most people I meet are superficial, judging themselves and each other based on their financial 'health' and assets and credit score. I though for a minute there that Occupy Wall Street would be my generations way of changing our culture from a materialistic, unsustainable one to a cooperative, spiritually healthy one. But alas, I don't know that that is going to happen, particularly after people start working their ****ty meaningless jobs again. I have no desire to be part of our materialistic culture and fit in. I feel so alone believing that happiness is more important than money -- yet if I really live that belief out, it lands me where exactly? Homeless? 'Dependent' on others? (we are all dependent on others)...
My family I love, particularly my mom. My dad, however, is a selfish *** hole. In his eyes, the house me and my siblings grew up in is 'his' house, and after the age of 18 we should really be living on our own. Not just that, but in general he does not welcome us back for more than just a few days, and is nearly impossible to live with due to his selfish nature and his OCD behaviors. So I have no fall back option in terms of family --- I'd rather die than go live with my dad again and be put in that prison of a house and town (small conservative midwestern town). There is very little real support from my family for me or any of my siblings. My siblings have carried on that protestant work-ethic, do-it-yourself culture as well, and all judge each other based on income and social status (I'm exaggerating slightly, but to me this is how it feels). Not to mention my extended family, its almost exclusively small talk and emotionally distant circumstance comparisons.
SO I know that some people who read this might think that AA or counseling is my best option right now, and I can certainly understand that. However, I have no insurance for counseling and I don't know of any good counselors here who work for free (and I don't have the energy after work to really look). Also I am turned off to AA, as I view it more now as a religion to some extent -- I agree with the espoused values, but there is so much group-think in the rooms of AA and dogma and judgement (based on length of time sober, how well you parrot the 'values' of AA, etc.). Also I apparently am not an alcoholic because I can drink a few drinks and stop for long periods. I don't agree that the zero-tolerance rule works for everyone, and what really turns me off is how many of the AA elders act like there is absolutely NO room for criticism of the AA program --- it smacks me of the type of dogma that exists in religion --- I feel if the program is strong there is room for debate on rules, values, etc. Without changing the core of the message.
Anyway, this is already a super long post, and if you've read this far bless uour heart!
I'll close by saying that right now I don't feel I have the energy to give anything a try to regain some semblance of peace of mind and heart. I'm stuck, spiritually and emotionally, and I don't see a sustainable way out.
Some background information: I'm 29 y/o, recent masters graduate in a social science, living in NYC. I am pretty intelligent, attractive, and a sincere person. I have a history of addiction, to weed, alcohol, women, anything that feels good to me. Also I have pretty severe anxiety at times, and it runs in my family (my grandma and dad both have IBS and other anxiety-related issues).
I have been pretty close to suicide a few different times in my life. I am not generally depressed or depressive, but I have had pretty serious anxiety ever since I can remember.
Various things have worked to some extent to ease the anxiety and allow me to live a productive and generally happy life, such as exercise, friendship, Alcoholics Anonymous (saved my life). I haven't really been going to meetings lately, and have been drinking some (not a lot) and smoking some weed as it eases the anxiety quite a bit and allows me to have moments of joy.
So that's where I'm at emotionally right now. Not a good place. It terms of circumstances, I think I have more stress on me than I would ever have imagined. First, I'm living alone with no family and a few close friends here in the big city. I have a job, but it pays little and isn't really what I want to do (I understand finding your dream job doesn't happen over night). I have absolutely no savings, no assets --- which doesn't really bother ME (although it seems to bother just about everyone else reared in western culture). However, what does bother me is the massive student debt I have hanging over my head (over 100K) that I am now starting to fall behind on paying and will most likely default on much of it. Also my mother cosigned on some of it so I'm trying to pay those loans that she cosigned on first but she may catch some of that bad debt :(
Other circumstances: Women --- hmmm --- I've dated many girls since I've been here in NYC -- mostly not serious but a few serious. My most recent ex I dated for about a month and a half, and she abruptly broke up with me, citing some past traumatic stuff. That was a month ago, and I'm mostly over it but will probably always be in love with her. My ex before that I was with for 6 months and she also abruptly broke up with me and kicked me out on the street with no place to go and no money, and no friends here in NYC. That was a year ago and it was the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. I made it through that though, and actually enjoyed much of the year.
However, I'm at a point right now where I haven't felt much joy or hope that I ever will feel joy -- I guess the best way I can put into words is to point to my massive debt, apparent inadequacy for a LTR, and I also have a general feeling that I just don't fit in here ( I can only speak for the States, never lived anywhere else). I feel like most people I meet are superficial, judging themselves and each other based on their financial 'health' and assets and credit score. I though for a minute there that Occupy Wall Street would be my generations way of changing our culture from a materialistic, unsustainable one to a cooperative, spiritually healthy one. But alas, I don't know that that is going to happen, particularly after people start working their ****ty meaningless jobs again. I have no desire to be part of our materialistic culture and fit in. I feel so alone believing that happiness is more important than money -- yet if I really live that belief out, it lands me where exactly? Homeless? 'Dependent' on others? (we are all dependent on others)...
My family I love, particularly my mom. My dad, however, is a selfish *** hole. In his eyes, the house me and my siblings grew up in is 'his' house, and after the age of 18 we should really be living on our own. Not just that, but in general he does not welcome us back for more than just a few days, and is nearly impossible to live with due to his selfish nature and his OCD behaviors. So I have no fall back option in terms of family --- I'd rather die than go live with my dad again and be put in that prison of a house and town (small conservative midwestern town). There is very little real support from my family for me or any of my siblings. My siblings have carried on that protestant work-ethic, do-it-yourself culture as well, and all judge each other based on income and social status (I'm exaggerating slightly, but to me this is how it feels). Not to mention my extended family, its almost exclusively small talk and emotionally distant circumstance comparisons.
SO I know that some people who read this might think that AA or counseling is my best option right now, and I can certainly understand that. However, I have no insurance for counseling and I don't know of any good counselors here who work for free (and I don't have the energy after work to really look). Also I am turned off to AA, as I view it more now as a religion to some extent -- I agree with the espoused values, but there is so much group-think in the rooms of AA and dogma and judgement (based on length of time sober, how well you parrot the 'values' of AA, etc.). Also I apparently am not an alcoholic because I can drink a few drinks and stop for long periods. I don't agree that the zero-tolerance rule works for everyone, and what really turns me off is how many of the AA elders act like there is absolutely NO room for criticism of the AA program --- it smacks me of the type of dogma that exists in religion --- I feel if the program is strong there is room for debate on rules, values, etc. Without changing the core of the message.
Anyway, this is already a super long post, and if you've read this far bless uour heart!
I'll close by saying that right now I don't feel I have the energy to give anything a try to regain some semblance of peace of mind and heart. I'm stuck, spiritually and emotionally, and I don't see a sustainable way out.