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confusedlenz
Feb 13, 2007, 07:17 AM
First I want to apologize for my bad english(I'm not a native speaker)!

Here is my story :

I'm 27 yrs old and have been living with a 25 yr old woman together about 2 years. We met 3 years ago and I falled in love with her at once, it took her some months(she doesn't rush into relationships) and we were both happy and in love. It was all good until the newyear, when things started to go wrong. I study and work(fire inspector) at the same time. And my work can be at times very stressful. So I haven't been 100% with her in my mind all the time. My attention has been on work and school problems. And we haven't been to movies, theatre, concerts etc. Let's say she thought/thinks it's boring with me :(
She has a great job collective, and they have parties 2-3 times in month. I can't be on those parties and she's going alone... I don't want her to go, but I can't hold her back either, it would be wrong. It feels like she's escaping from me to party with other people to get those social/communication needs and it hurts me.
I am not a party type, nor the type who likes/needs to dance. And this has caused me problems in our relationship. It's just that I'm a calm guy who just likes to hang out in pubs and talk. Not so social...
I have one problem too. It's my PC(games,movies) habit. I sometimes sit behind the computer too long, instead of being with her.
There's also issue between my parents and her. There was a big fight before last christmas. Misunderstandigs, bad things were said to each other etc. and I was in the middle of it all. Now it all has cooled down, but there's no talk between my parents and her.
Also there is a new guy in her workplace. He has a crush for her, and has made a lot of compliments/attempts to win her over. This was also the time, when she started to question about our relationship. She confirmed to me that there was nothing between them and they're just co-workers wich I believe. But the talks they talked, got her to rethink about our relationship. And a week ago we had a very serious talk about our future.
She says that's she's very confused right now about her feelings towards me and she doesn't know if she loves me or not. The thing I don't understand is why is she with me so intimate, when she doesn't love me anymore?
The conclusion to this talk was that maybye we should brake up and go our different ways. Because she doesn't believe that she could be happy with me in future. It saddens me the way she thinks, because we wanted to marry and have kids and I still love her deeply. To tell the truth, when I heard about her feelings/thoughts it felt like someone just ripped me apart :(
When I told her that if she really wants to break up, then she will lose me forever, she bursted into tears. She thought that we would stay friends after break up, and I would be near her, when she needs me. But I made it clear if we break up, then it's for the good(no contact ever again). I just don't want the neverending horror, better to end things and vanish. The thought of losing me was devastating for her, as we've grown into one.
The next day we talked again. She said we should wait with the breakup and not rush things before she knows what she really wants and she told me losing me was like she's losing one half of her.
This weekend we have a small vacation together, I hope it goes all right.

But all aside I'm still confused, cause I can't tell if our relationship survives or not. I have changed myself a little, I pay more attention to her, I'm curing my PC habit. But will it be enough for her? To make her feel love to me again?
What do you people think, should we fix the things that have gone wrong or not? Or is it all gone already?

Thank you,
L.

valinors_sorrow
Feb 13, 2007, 07:43 AM
Do I hear what sounds like two young and somewhat inexperienced people having difficulites? If this is an accurate description of you two, then know that its okay and very common to have these difficulties. I want to assure you that growing will make a having a relationship easier.

Here is some of what you both have to look forward to as you mature:
- knowing yourself better and speak your mind more clearly (helps to end confusion)
- better ability to negotiate and compromise so that you reach middle ground solutions (you both win on this one)
- more confidence to sort out the big things from the little things (cuts down on what you argue over)
- less parental involvement (which is always a good sign)

It is good that you are both talking things over and you are very wise to know that when it ends, no contact makes it easier to heal from it.

There is no way of telling if your relationship will survive or not. And who I am to say its too far gone? But the way to help it last is to keep telling each other as truthfully as possible what your thoughts and feelings are. You can learn as you make mistakes. Its just going to take you both learning together which can be a lot to ask of two people.

Try to cultivate an atmosphere that supports telling the truth, even if it means someone tells that they don't want the relationship anymore. You'll be fine, she'll be fine and the relationship will take some work in order to last. They always do.

confusedlenz
Feb 13, 2007, 08:05 AM
Thanks for the good advice :)... and yes you're right we're somewhat inexperienced.

talaniman
Feb 13, 2007, 10:11 PM
Your wife needs more YOU time and there is nothing in the world more important. Put away the PC, and make sure she has a good time. That PC ain't going nowhere.