Why is life so unfair... I'm 14 years old and I've been drinking lately... I try to talk to people so I can work out my issues and for a little while they pretend to care... Then they stop even pretending and just hate me openly... I shot my brothers' ak47 today and now I'm finally capable of shooting myself.. It's a comfort to know that suicide is an option now... And I've been cutting almost hourly now, it's been an addiction since I was nine. The weird part is... I have no idea why I'm so depressed... I live a good life... There was a time when I got malested... But I only cared for a little while... I don't care any more I never even told anyone what really happened... I asked my parents if I could get tested for depression and they said it was a stupid idea and depression is only for people who have had stuff happen to them... I don't know why I feel so much pain but I can't keep my head above the water... I feel like I'm drowning in a dark world full of my own fake smiles and laughter but I see my tears right through the lies.. And I see my wrist bleading in front of me and I just want the bleading to last forever until I simply drop dead.. Maybe people would finally care about me... I just don't know what's wrong with me and I want to just die... I'm so stupid and ugly and I weigh 101 pounds of pure ****ing fat and I'm embarrassing and annoying and I try to be funny but I'm not and I just wish I could die... I want to never wake up after I fall asleep tonight... I'm nit worth anything and no one understands me... I'm a joke... I'm something to laugh at.. That's all I am... I am worthless.

Some brother, letting a suicidal 14 year old shoot an AK47, and what's he doing with one of those anyway?
'I don't care anymore' is baloney. Yes you do. You want people to care and they don't know how and are uncomfortable about it. You gloss right over the molested part and pretend it was nothing (survival - easier to say you don't care than to suffer, but you are suffering anyway). So please say how old you were, who molested you, what they did to you, and how long it lasted. And why doesn't anyone know about it. Then we can start to talk about how to proceed.

My brother is 20 and he got the gun for Christmas. My dad was there too. I was molested once by my other brothers friend Alex when I was 13 (last year).

I am sorry that you are going through this.It WILL get better.Please don't give up.Perhaps there is someone else somewhere who feels the same things & longs for a friend like you.Maybe they are waiting for you.Don't make them wait forever by giving up on the future.NOBODY is worthless.I used to be depressed,suicidal & cut too(when I was a teenager).I am now in my 30's & have a wonderful son who the world would've missed out on if I had made the selfish choice to take my own life... Please talk to a school counselor about your feelings.ALSO,being molested is not something that is "gotten over".You may have suppressed your feelings but you have the right to feel safe.I hope the person that did this is NOT around anymore.You need to let someone you trust know what happened.PLEASE talk to a school counselor and call the National Suicide Prevention line:1-800-273-TALK (8255) to get you the help that you need.
(http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)Good luck.I hope that you can find happiness because you DO deserve it... ♥Stay strong & please take it one day at a time; )Also try to find something POSITIVE to do with your extra time.Alcohol will only make depression worse.
Ps.104 lbs. @ 14 years old is NOT fat & even if someone is fat,they can still be beautiful & loved; )... Good luck again.

My school us small and doesn't have a counsilor but I will def look into the phone line. Thank u so much. It's people like you who give me hope. <3

Are you a poet or a writer? You should be if you aren't.

Wondergurl: I write music with lyrics and used to sell CDs. Funny u should say that. Music really helps het stress out.(:

Your original post is full of imagery. How could you possibly think of suicide when you have such a wonderful gift? You've already started to share that gift with the world. There's so much promise in you with such a creative spirit!

Wondergurl: Aw thank you... Ur so sweet to say that.
I think I am bipolar... I've been taking lots of tests and gotten positive results for all of them. I told my ma today and she said "okay do you're an official polar bear now?" and she laughed at me. She handled cutting the same way when she noticed it for the first time when I was 13. But I've never opened up to her because I know her enough to know she won't understand. Or care. But I think bipolar disorder may actually be the problem if I've done my research right...

Always, always, always reframe. Consider your mother's comment a sweet, affectionate comment rather than an insult. What more endearing animal is there besides a kitten or a puppy but a baby polar bear? Have you see videos of Siku, the orphaned one that is being hand-raised?

Animal Tracks - Sweet Siku: Orphaned polar bear cub shows off antics on TODAY (http://animaltracks.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/27/9739954-sweet-siku-orphaned-polar-bear-cub-shows-off-antics-on-today)

Wondergurl: aww, siku is so cute <3 I guess my ma's comment wasn't bad. It just felt like a slap in the face because she seemed so apathetic. And it kind of triggered my memory to the cutting thing when she first found out.
Guys, great news. I haven't cut at all today although I've been drinking I'm getting better!! Thank you so much for your love and support. I love you all.(:

Good job!: )Keep it up.(I feel bad when my son looks at all the old scars on my arms)... Remember~One day at a time.Try not to let this crazy world bring you down.You sound like a great person that has much to offer this world.Hope this New Year is the one where things get better for you; )Happy New Year to you!

Yay, WI!! We wish we could be there in person with you to give you a big hug!

Here's a secret straight from psychology: You know how contagious viruses and bad colds are. Well, feelings and attitudes are like them. How you act rubs off on others and causes them to act the same way, sort of like spreading viruses and colds. That means, if you are grumpy, other people will "catch" your grumpiness and be grumpy too. If you are cheerful and sweet, they will try to be too.

It might take a bit of practice until you have the technique down right, so try it and see if I know what I'm talking about. For instance, instead of posting the video of Siku, I could have say something mean to you. Then you would have given me an "unhelpful" and said something mean back to me. That would have gotten you a mean comment from someone else. So you see how I was able to stop that mean "virus" from getting passed on just with Siku? It's that easy!

Hi Siku (wish we could change our IDs on this site - I change mine a lot on ebay).
When you are young and at home, your parents are just these adults who are supposed to love you. When they don't, or are cruel, it isn't easy to see them as people who have problems too. My mother was like yours, because she had a tough life and didn't cave in to it so told me I couldn't either. She was really mean and angry. Anyway, maybe something happened to your mother in her life that makes her the way she is.

You do need to talk to someone about the molestation, even if it was 'just' once. Once or twice or a million doesn't matter. Is there any adult you can talk to?

Everyone: I love you so much. Thank you for spending time on this site to help me out! I've been improving myself a lot lately and I'm listening to your advice. Today I'm meeting up with a girl I really don't like and I'm making her some cookies-hoping to spread the love because she says she's not been doing the best lately. Let's see how this goes!(:
Also... If you'd like to email me I will update you on how the progress is going.
Just call me siku(:
I have been looking for someone I can talk to about Alex, but I'm not sure who I can talk to. My mom was looking on my Facebook messages (creeper :P) and she saw a conversation that Alex and I had about it. He was just mad at me and I was asking why he did it. So she asked me what happened and I just told her that he kissed me on the cheek and that's all. But it was worse... So do you have a recommendation of who I should tell?
Love,
Siku

Btw my email is >email address deleted for privacy<

Today I'm meeting up with a girl I really don't like and I'm making her some cookies-hoping to spread the love because she says she's not been doing the best lately. let's see how this goes!(:
That is the most wonderful and perfect thing you can do -- spread the love to someone who needs a boost!

I removed your email address and messaged you why I did that. Be very, very careful, Siku. (I really like how you grabbed onto that name--much better than "WorthlessIdiot," don't you think?? )

Can you tell us anything about Alex here?

About the email... Yeah I got you.(: and Alex is now 18. He's my brothers ex best friend and was a "closer" friend of mine when I was younger. Obv. That didn't work out...

Would it really be helpful at all to talk about Alex and dwell on it more than you have already? He's history, a piece of life experience from which you learned a big lesson, and so why not move forward from here?

I'm all for moving forward, and will help you do that however I can.

To be honest I think I am over him. It's just when I sleep in the bed we slept on I get broken down. I don't know why that would be a problem, yet it somehow is. That doesn't bother me much though. Bistcally I need to just think positively.

Can you get a new bed, or at least a new mattress? That would creep me out, to have to sleep on the old one.

Seems like you are already doing a good job of thinking positively. I am so proud of you!

The bed is just a bed, but it's also a symbol for you that is easy to latch on to when the present isn't going so well and you can't define what's wrong.
Be a shaman for a day and drive out any hold the memory has over you (not the memory itself). Move it to another side of the room. Wave some branches over it and light some incense and sprinkle flower petals or something, and read a poem you wrote. Sort of a 'BEGONE' ritual.
I'm all for positive thinking, but not fake smiles and fake happiness. If bad things happen in life, and they do to most of us, make them part of you and convert them into a good you; don't try to deny them.
Plus, someone out there is just like you and NEEDS your help, just as you are getting some here.

Hmm. Maybe changing things up a little or something will help. And I think if I write about it it helps the memories fade. I love the idea of devoting a time to let go of things that hurt or haunt me. That and using the problem as a way to learn a lesson.

SO: I talked to my Mom today about being bipolar. She's basically been taking it as a joke so I wanted to make it serious. I'm not mad at her but I want to get her attention. So I brought it up. I said I was her polar bear :P she laughed and said, "yes, you are." and I asked, "can we talk about that a little?" and she says, "sure, I guess." and she's messing around on the computer. So I say, "I guess the way you said the polar bear thing made me feel like you were apathetic and that you wanted to treat the issue like it was a joke... but I wouldn't have scored that high on the test if I hadn't been suicidal. So it's a bit important to me." and she says, "okay..." and I say, "well, I was just hoping you cared or something." and she goes, "how are you planning on killing yourself?" and I say, "I don't know..." because I actually have multiple ways, and I would say them but at that point I feel really stupid. And she says, "okay, well, you're not suicidal..." and I just say, "and you would know better than me because I never talk to you and Dad about anything." and she says, "that makes it your fault, not mine. Plus, suicidal people live bad lives. There's no one hurting you or screaming at you or throwing you at the door and locking it behind you... there's no one hitting you or abusing you at all." but while she says it I feel like she might as well do all of those things. I don't know what would hurt more: her not caring, or her hurting me. She does both in a way but it's all mental and hidden behind layers of curtains of smiles, jokes, laughs, gifts... I guess it's just my view on here; I love her. She's a great girl. But she makes me feel like that feeling isn't mutual. I don't know who else to talk to but I tried... so I texted my friend, Aaron. He said he cared and he would help me... and then he said "anyways, I got important stuff to do. My fave show is on so ttyl" and I said, "bye..." Then I went downstairs and threw. Up. My. Dinner. Because I weighed myself and I'm now 108 pounds. My boyfriend told me I needed to lose some weight and the only reason he was dating me was that I had "big boobs." sorry. That was kind of inappropriate. Then he said I was a slut and I'd fall for anybody. The worst part is, he's right. Every word he said is true. Except the big... never mind. That's sooooooo awkward. So I puked again for his sake... and I'm at 99.8 pounds now. I'm huuuge. It's disgusting. So I basically slept for the rest of the day because it's better than being awake, but I kept waking up covered in a cold sheet of sweat. Like dripping like I'd come out of the shower. I feel so nasty. So I took a little drink but stopped because I thought of the answers on this site. I won't forget them. I'm trying to move forward every day. I know I'm still making mistakes but at least if I take two steps back I'll take one forward. Someday I'll start moving in the right direction, and I at least have a destination, which isn't perfection but it's something.

I feel like calling up your mom and giving her a piece of my mind!

You're smart, you're creative, and you're very introspective. Where does this take us and how can we help?

I think Wondergirl is taking care of this really well and I don't have much to add except this:

Your "boyfriend" sounds like an idiot and I don't think he is helping your self-esteem all that much here. Any guy that tells their girlfriend that they are fat and a slut is not worth being with at all. He has no respect for you and I have to wonder if you would have more respect for yourself if he was out of your life. You should have someone that actually cares about you for who you are and above all, someone who respects you.

By the way... Wondergirl is right... your writing is really vivid.

Good luck to you.

Odinn, wondergirl,
Sure, you can call my mom. Her number is 1-800-BEOTCH and it's open 24 hours a day. >:l grr, rar!
I think if maybe I manage to channel my anger into things that will improve me then I will eventually begin to move in a positive direction- towards the goal of improvement. I just don't know why I should stop DRINKING and PUKING. Oh. And cutting, but that's just stupid. Also, I can't break up with Will. I'm scared of him and he happens to be the only guy who will date me.
Ever.
And Aaron has a girlfriend. And I feel like I always have to talk to boys because they understand. With most girls, well, they make me feel like a wimp. My best friend, Alaina, would help. But every time I try to tell her I literally stop being able to talk at all. I love you both so much and appreciate your help. This is the first time in my life something online has actually HELPED me.
Thank you for your healing words and precious love.
Love,
Siku

Hey, you're 14 and need to take care of yourself. (We know Will and Aaron aren't up for the job... ) The drinking and puking and cutting and DATING (?? ) -- naaaaaaaaaaah, you're too good for that immature stuff.

It's a new year and time to turn over a new leaf. I'm going to eat oatmeal and bananas for breakfast every morning and get back to reading at least two books a week. Tell me two positive things you will do for yourself.