Hi everyone,

I`ve always been a melancholy person. It started during my teenage years (always moved around a lot, parents divorced, low self-esteem) and all way through high school I wasn`t really happy.

I had friends and a social life, my mum and dad were mostly great with me and I had everything I needed.

I moved somewhere I always dreamed of moving to and met someone I fell madly in love with. Everything was great at first - our first year/year and a half were great together and I remember those days as the best of my life. I started getting dissatisfied again/get depressive phases and a horrible break up followed after almost 4 years.

After that I finished my last yr of uni which was very up and down (I was either very happy or very depressed; now I`m not sure if I was faking that happiness to myself though; the sad times were the worst I`ve ever experienced) and I was slowly destroying myself with booze, ons and self-hatred.

I`ve been taking care of myself and stopped that kind of self-destructive behaviour... I`m seeing a therapist weekly which is also helping me out with self-esteem issues I`ve got (I think we`re getting somewhere) but the happiness I am expecting and craving is just not happening.

I wait and I wait and I don`t get there and I am so afraid I never will.

I think "we" make our own happiness. One day there isn't sunshine and bluebirds out of the blue!

What gives you enjoyment or pleasure? Are you artistic, talented in some other way? Do you volunteer, helping others?

It sounds like you've made giant strides - now you have to discover what makes YOU happy, gives you pleasure, gives you satisfaction.

I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out for help -- I would say continue to do that and do it more intensely.

I have a similar story -- I always felt a little uneasy/unhappy in my life. I discovered alcohol, weed and getting high in general and that was my master for years. Now I've been sober for a while and have learned that I will ALWAYS have anxiety (more than most ppl) the trick is to MANAGE it. I take an SSRI and try to pay attention to what my body and soul needs to be at peace, including exercise, food, meditative behaviors.

Also for me the tide really turned in my life in terms of discovering happiness when I started going to a 12-step program. They are not for everyone and they certainly do not have a monopoly on therapy/recovery or w/e but for me the sincerity and spirituality of the 12-step program can be very helpful and inspiring. Just to know intimately that there are other people struggling and to learn how to love yourself and love others.

Just some thoughts :)

Happiness isn't what I look for. There are many other words to think of: fulfillment, contentment, peace within yourself. I too have felt much as you have. I look for knowledge, understanding, and the love of family and a few friends. And my animals. It doesn't always work of course; I have many a moment when I give up. I'm just suggesting that you not 'crave' a life of smiles and perfect relationships.