mello.nicole
Dec 26, 2011, 07:58 PM
I have been married to my husband, "G" for a year and a half. On May 13th, I started casually "dating" another man, "J." He was also married and has two daughters, ages 6 and 4. All we did the first few days was talk, hug, and hold hands. On May 16th, he told his wife he wanted a divorce. He had tried several times over the 8 years they were together. From what he has told me and from what I have seen, they both had many problems. At that time, I did not know what I wanted to do with "G."Obviously "J" and I did not know where our relationship would lead. We work together and "G" works next door. Over the summer, I continued my marriage with "G" while seeing J on the side. J's wife found out about me (he told her early on) and she kicked him out, which was coming anyway. That was the beginning of July. Several times I tried telling G I didn't like where our relationship was and I wanted to separate. He freaked out every time. Twice he found communications between J and I. Both times G got so upset he hit me. I had bruises all over. J knew about this and urged me to get out for my own sake. I did not leave G for several reasons. A: I was scared of him hurting himself. B. I did not know if I really wanted to leave him. C. I felt it was my fault for cheating on him and I deserved it. My relationship with both continued. With G, I was happy at times but I never truly felt like he was what I wanted. I would push him away when he would touch me. I would snap at him anytime he spoke. With J, several times we tried breaking up but neither of us could follow through with it. We were madly in loved. We discussed if it was puppy love, clinging onto the first person to pay attention to us. Maybe that's what it was, but I know it has grown into a lot more now.
Anyway, we never could end our relationship. I think it helped a lot that I was gone for a good portion of the summer. My mom who lived 6 hours away was sick and in the hospital during this time. She died on Sept 7th. I was away for weeks at a time, staying at the hospital next to her bed. The Friday after I came back after my mom's funeral, I moved out from G and moved in with J. I left G a note while he was working. I told G I needed time to clear my head. I don't know if at that time I ever actually planned on going back or if I was just trying to delay the inevitable. I had a hard time letting go of G, so I continued seeing him on the side now and occasionally having sex with him. I kept telling him I would go back to him, I just needed time. I don't know what I ever really intended. Meanwhile, I got along extremely well with Jake, other than the occasional difference. However, we are 8 years apart and at very different points in our lives. Many times we had issues because I am not sure if I could handle having two “step” children to consider and an ex wife controlling things. I graduate in May and am starting an online master's program. I could go anywhere I wanted and feel like I have all the potential in the world. However, J is working two dead end jobs and giving all his money to child support. He has a bachelor's degree in teaching but has done nothing with it. He has said before that he was too scared to leave his hometown to find a job. Now, J has said he will do whatever it takes to make things easier for me, including moving away when I graduate and keeping his kids for summers and holidays. Part of me feels like that wouldn't solve anything, as he would still have to pay child support out his *** and I wouldfeel like I took him away from his family.
My feelings have been so back and forth. I feel like I can't handle a bitter ex wife and two step children, but at the same time, I love being around J. He is so wonderful and I love his personality. However, if I were with G, he would have a great job and a great lifestyle to share with me, yet I don't know if I love him more than J. A couple weeks ago, things sort of came to a head and I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. I was sure I wanted to go back to G. But every time I tried to leave J, I'd realize I didn't want to leave him either. And all through this, I kept telling G just a few more days and I'd be home. Finally it got to the point where I confessed to J that I had been sleeping with G still. The night before and that morning he had cried and been upset and had asked me to stay with him to work things out.
Later that day, J went over to G's house and told him everything. G also shared with him everything I had been doing with him. They confronted me about leading them both on. G told me I had to make a choice right then and if I went with him, all would be forgiven. I went with him and we went home together. Throughout that afternoon, I could not get my mind off J. Things with G felt awkward. I held his hand but it didn't feel right. I called and texted J several times, saying I thought I made a mistake and didn't know how to fix it. I did not want to be with G, but I did not see how I could make the situation with J work. I went to bed with G that night but I couldn't' feel comfortable. I felt awful, my heart would not stop racing and I felt like I was going to be sick. I had all sorts of wild thoughts about what to do. Finally I got out of bed and told G I couldn't do it. That things were too fresh and I needed to get out. G tried to stop me. He told me he couldn't life without me. He took a knife and threatened to kill himself. I told him I was sorry but just had to leave. I went to J's and he let me in. I totally broke down. We talked about everything. He was understandably very upset with me. He said he didn't know if we could have a future together. I didn't even know if we could have a future, but I wanted him so bad. I talked to G over the next few days and told him I did not know what to do. J allowed me back into his life and although he was still very livid with me, told me he wanted to make things work. Still, I just fell back into the same trap of leading G on on the side in case things didn't work out with J and I. I can't make up my mind! It makes no sense to me. It's so easy when I'm away from J to say, OK this is messing up my life. why am I seeing him? But then as soon as I see him, I still get butterflies even after 7 months. But half the time he is so upset with me still for seeing G behind his back, that he pushes me away. I know he is hurting, but that just makes feel like we can't have a future together anyway, let alone all the other issues I am tentative about. I feel like it would be following my heart to stay with J and try to work toward a better lifestyle, and it's my head saying go back to G and work on my marriage because I had a perfect lifestyle there. I realize I have done many terrible things, so no need to point that out. Any constructive advice would be appreciated!
Anyway, we never could end our relationship. I think it helped a lot that I was gone for a good portion of the summer. My mom who lived 6 hours away was sick and in the hospital during this time. She died on Sept 7th. I was away for weeks at a time, staying at the hospital next to her bed. The Friday after I came back after my mom's funeral, I moved out from G and moved in with J. I left G a note while he was working. I told G I needed time to clear my head. I don't know if at that time I ever actually planned on going back or if I was just trying to delay the inevitable. I had a hard time letting go of G, so I continued seeing him on the side now and occasionally having sex with him. I kept telling him I would go back to him, I just needed time. I don't know what I ever really intended. Meanwhile, I got along extremely well with Jake, other than the occasional difference. However, we are 8 years apart and at very different points in our lives. Many times we had issues because I am not sure if I could handle having two “step” children to consider and an ex wife controlling things. I graduate in May and am starting an online master's program. I could go anywhere I wanted and feel like I have all the potential in the world. However, J is working two dead end jobs and giving all his money to child support. He has a bachelor's degree in teaching but has done nothing with it. He has said before that he was too scared to leave his hometown to find a job. Now, J has said he will do whatever it takes to make things easier for me, including moving away when I graduate and keeping his kids for summers and holidays. Part of me feels like that wouldn't solve anything, as he would still have to pay child support out his *** and I wouldfeel like I took him away from his family.
My feelings have been so back and forth. I feel like I can't handle a bitter ex wife and two step children, but at the same time, I love being around J. He is so wonderful and I love his personality. However, if I were with G, he would have a great job and a great lifestyle to share with me, yet I don't know if I love him more than J. A couple weeks ago, things sort of came to a head and I felt like I couldn't do this anymore. I was sure I wanted to go back to G. But every time I tried to leave J, I'd realize I didn't want to leave him either. And all through this, I kept telling G just a few more days and I'd be home. Finally it got to the point where I confessed to J that I had been sleeping with G still. The night before and that morning he had cried and been upset and had asked me to stay with him to work things out.
Later that day, J went over to G's house and told him everything. G also shared with him everything I had been doing with him. They confronted me about leading them both on. G told me I had to make a choice right then and if I went with him, all would be forgiven. I went with him and we went home together. Throughout that afternoon, I could not get my mind off J. Things with G felt awkward. I held his hand but it didn't feel right. I called and texted J several times, saying I thought I made a mistake and didn't know how to fix it. I did not want to be with G, but I did not see how I could make the situation with J work. I went to bed with G that night but I couldn't' feel comfortable. I felt awful, my heart would not stop racing and I felt like I was going to be sick. I had all sorts of wild thoughts about what to do. Finally I got out of bed and told G I couldn't do it. That things were too fresh and I needed to get out. G tried to stop me. He told me he couldn't life without me. He took a knife and threatened to kill himself. I told him I was sorry but just had to leave. I went to J's and he let me in. I totally broke down. We talked about everything. He was understandably very upset with me. He said he didn't know if we could have a future together. I didn't even know if we could have a future, but I wanted him so bad. I talked to G over the next few days and told him I did not know what to do. J allowed me back into his life and although he was still very livid with me, told me he wanted to make things work. Still, I just fell back into the same trap of leading G on on the side in case things didn't work out with J and I. I can't make up my mind! It makes no sense to me. It's so easy when I'm away from J to say, OK this is messing up my life. why am I seeing him? But then as soon as I see him, I still get butterflies even after 7 months. But half the time he is so upset with me still for seeing G behind his back, that he pushes me away. I know he is hurting, but that just makes feel like we can't have a future together anyway, let alone all the other issues I am tentative about. I feel like it would be following my heart to stay with J and try to work toward a better lifestyle, and it's my head saying go back to G and work on my marriage because I had a perfect lifestyle there. I realize I have done many terrible things, so no need to point that out. Any constructive advice would be appreciated!