My wife of just over one year left me 9 weeks ago and I am a compleat mess because of it. We have been together for 11 years and I honestly thought we were soul mates, we had allways bickerd like most couples do and I never expected her to walk out on me as she never showed any signs that she was unhappy in our relationship. I believe she has had a break down due to losing her mother from cancer 10 months ago she held her grief so well and then BANG! basically we had a little argument the afternoon she walked out and hasn't returned since, I've wrote her a lovely letter saying how much I had learnt from our split and how things would be so much better if she would just give our marriage the chance I believe it deserved and also made a video with photos of our wedding day to a very lyrically fitting song basically telling her how much I love and miss her, shortly after she had read my letter she text me to say she had read it about 5 times the previous night and that the things I had said were right, we met up and she talked about moving back home she kissed me and told me she loved me, and then 30 minutes or less later she says she loves me and misses me, wants me to be apart of her life but doesn't know if she wants to be with me or not nor give me the wrong impression... huh!. Obviously very confusing! I've cried myself to sleep so many times over this as I really do love and miss her ever so much and just want her to come home, especially as it christmas eve tomorrow. I feel I have given her lots of space by not contacting her for days I've tried to make her think I'm not needy of her too, I've just run completely out of ideas on what's stopping her? She is confused herself but its doing my head in so much I have even contemplated suicide as I'm so depressed over this I just wish I knew what has made her leave me as that might give me something to work on or sattisfy my way of thinking to some degree. Why is she confusing and hurting me so much if like she says " she loves me" and how can I win back her genuine affection?

OK... well it's wonderful that you love her, but that's all about YOU. What about what she's feeling about her mother? Maybe you weren't listening enough, supporting enough, forgiving enough during the last months of grief. Sitting down with a picture album. Asking her all about her childhood, her mother's childhood, how her parents met, listening, listening, and if she cries, letting her cry and holding her hand or holding her. Going to the grave with her if there is one, or buying her flowers in memory of her mother. Tell her that her mother must have been a wonderful woman (if you knew her, that she WAS a wonderful woman) because she produced such a wonderful daughter (but not so smarmy as I said it, more heartfelt, based on something she tells you).

In short, drop your feelings in favor of hers - so that she can get through the process, and at whatever pace she needs.

Thanks for the reply joypulv, and yes I have done and did all of the above and more... I was at her mothers side on her death bed stroking her head as she passed so she knows I care,I promised her mother that I'd take care of her and her brother too but how can I when she won't open up to me? Its not all about my feelings I know its about hers too but what she is doing feels like she is punishing me for something.

She's grieving. She doesn't HAVE to make sense at this point. She probably doesn't understand half of her emotions. She obviously doesn't want to be pressured. I think she met with you to be kind - not to reconcile. She has said that she doesn't want to be "with" you. Give her space. Give her time. A "few days," a few weeks - none of that is enough time.

It took me a full year to be able to make sense of life after my husband died.

Grief is like the ocean. It can swallow you up. You KNOW you are drowning. You just can't stop.

Leave her alone. If she gets a mindset now, in this stage of grieving, that you are somehow part of the loss (and I know it makes no sense but that's how my grief worked) you will lose her forever.

You promised her mother you would take care of her (and her brother). Do that - at this point taking care means leaving her alone.

EDIT: Just noticed two threads, same question. Please don't keep posting the same question. It gets confusing and takes up volunteer time.

It feels like punishment and in a way it is, anger at the world taken out on the people closest. A friend's son is mean to her because he has cancer. The one son who spent much of his twenties and thirties living with her quite agreeably now is 'punishing' her because he is in pain. I had a boyfriend in the mid 70s who took out his anger at the world on me when he had cancer. He was AWFUL for a year and a half of chemo and radiation and I took care of him but had to leave at the end (now we are friends). Those are illness stories but they are no different than death stories.
There's a little something in the way you write that makes you sound like you 'did all the right moves.' Care can't be faked and isn't a checklist. It's how you appear to those who are sensitive to it.
When you saw your wife again, we don't know the nuances of how you acted. You may have given the impression of 'there, I have done these 50 things to show my love and it's time now for you to take me back.' Cooking up a movie montage set to music? A lovely letter, who says? You are tooting your own horn without admitting to any flaws, despite the 'how much I've learned from our split' which sort of sounds a little phony. I'm being critical not because of any reason other than I think you are truly bewildered by what she's going through.

Good answer, Joy. And when it comes to grieving what is appropriate for me is NOT appropriate for someone else. Tell me how I should act, what my late husband would want - and I'll go for your throat. It soothes other people, however.

I would tell the OP to LISTEN to his wife. Don't help. Don't take care of her. Don't watch over her. LISTEN to her - and see what she needs and wants. Sometimes it's just having someone listen.