About 26 years ago I got married to a nice guy because my 3 sons told me they wanted a dad - him specifically. Although I had faithfully taken them to visit their grandparents any time they asked (bearing the expense my single mom self) their father never bothered to see them although he lived nearby. So when they were 11,7 and 3 they asked me to marry the man I had been dating who was truly a good dad.

Unfortunately, he hates women which is disguised under all the nice guy stuff. Apparently his mom cheated on his dying father and his wife cheated on him for about 15 years, but of course I didn't find any of this out until later.

Basically I made a practical decision in marrying him. I improved the lives of my children financially and socially, the man was loving and good to them growing up. They remain in contact and on good terms although he rarely sees them in person. He and I were good friends but he was always distant, unreachable emotionally.

My sons have always known that I was miserable in the marriage and that I went through hell with his teenaged children. I spent a lot of time with them and they are in very good shape today both mentally and monetarily. The eldest was 19, drunk and drugged out all the time. The second son was 18 and in the 8th grade. The daughter was 12, very pretty, and had just been told she was adopted.

I hurt for the kids and couldn't stand seeing them struggling so hard and alone, so I did everything I could to improve their lives, find out what they wanted and needed and then helped them make it happen. It was hell on wheels, but I got the eldest help (didn't work), put the second in technical school and made him sign up for business courses as well, then did my best with the pretty cheerleader daughter. She was very enamored of her dad so I was unpopular, but I stood by her through horrific times. She wound up having a baby in a bathroom when she was 19 and let her die. Literally. She was in the hospital for 10 days (detectives thought she'd run) and they were going to charge her with negligent homicide, but I fought like a tiger to get the captain of homicide to understand her troubled past and not to destroy her.

I put her in college in another state where nobody would know (at her request) and today she is married with 4 gorgeous kids, is a very good wife and mom. She doesn't speak to me, though, probably because I'm the only one who interacted with her psychiatrist, who suspected what she had done and this way she can pretend it didn't happen. We were close for a while afterward when she needed me.

Her brother finished college (I paid the parental part for her and him) and now owns his own successful business, has a wife and 3 sweet kids.

I got lupus from all the stress and was terribly ill for most of the past 17 years. Somewhere in the middle of that the eldest son came to me and asked me to help him get straight, so he lived with me for a couple of years and I found every outlet for help that I could. He's been clean and sober for nearly a decade, is married and has raised his wife's two children. He's had the same job for about 6 years and is now in his 3rd year of pre-med at age 48.

So I finally became healthy enough to leave the man, moved to a state to be closer to my sons and the strangest thing happened. I fell in love for the first time in my life with a guy who thinks I hung the moon. My sons no longer speak to me and it's killing me because we'd always been so close. Did I neglect them for the others? They've never accused me of it, but my youngest did have a rough time living with me after I was ill for 3 years until he graduated. I had to move from Phoenix because the sun and heat aggravated lupus, so I hadn't really lived with the guy since about 1994.

So it's Christmas and the kids I've always felt so close to, in fact have often spent months visiting, don't talk to me. I tried a couple of chatty texts but was rebuffed. I'm now so depressed I'm about to drive away from everything and everyone including this great guy. I feel more alone than ever in my life, and I was so happy! I mean so ecstatic to be able to be near them, to meet him, but it's like it's all gone now.

So your sons are 37, 33, and 29.
I too wonder if you neglected them, but only because you talk here all about your husband's kids and not them.
I wonder why all 3 aren't talking to you? Very odd. Is there a missing chunk of life here?

But aside from all that, don't you think it's time for some happiness of your own? Your sons may not talk to you no matter what you do. They are 'of an age' that many young adults go through. They often seek out their parents as they get older.

I am not even going to address your issues with your sons. I do agree with joy, there are probably missing links, but more time will take care of that.

Just find some happiness any way you can in the here and now. Don't look back, just go for it and good luck in doing so !

You go and do what is best for you now, too often we try and spent all our times on our kids ( seems you spent all you time on his kids) but now you do what is best for you and maybe they will accept you and be happy you are happy.
If not, you be happy in yourself.

Hmmm, you know, I believe I was justifying my 'worth' in my marriage by stating what I put into it. His children were a lot older, gone within a few years and their needs were traumatic. My own sons were so easy and relatively trouble-free throughout childhood and adulthood. All of my fun times were with them, we were used to being together a lot. We love reading, movies, sci fi, video games (I bought one of the first desktops and we were all hooked)as well as hiking and camping. We were able to buy a boat and spent a lot of time water skiing; with a promotion I surprised the family with a huge pool the second year. We lived in the pool just about year 'round.

The eldest and youngest live here near me, my middle son was blinded in Iraq and lives in Portland. I spent 2007-2008 with his family while he was in hospital, doing all the bennies work and taking care of my 5 year old granddaughter. We speak on the phone frequently - and this is the son who is probably closest to my husband. I've been asked to spend a month or more with them just today so that his Japanese wife can go to U.S. dental hygiene school. My son needs his guide dog and that takes a month of training.

Thank you all so much. You've made me stop and think about the good things we've always shared and reminded me that I don't need to justify the time I did spend on my ex's kids because I never neglected my own. If they have a problem now, they'll have to get over it on their own.

I agree - some pieces are missing. I also note that OP posts a lot about "cheating," and I wonder how that factors into the story.

EDIT: I do notice two of the pieces are a homosexual (not bisexual - ?) husband and a homosexual son.

WAIT - this is making less and less sense. You asked about the new man you fell in love with, and that was easy. But this all hinged on this:

'My sons no longer speak to me and it's killing me because we'd always been so close. Did I neglect them for the others?'

You aren't speaking to your middle son? Who are on the phone with 'all the time?'

And how can 3 sons who had this wonderful childhood with you now be not speaking to you?

It's almost as though if they aren't in trouble or having babies in bathrooms you don't 'see' what's happening with them. It sounds as though it wasn't idyllic at all after they got older. You spent one little sentence on the youngest, who had a 'tough time' for 3 years when you were sick, and we have no clue what that was about.

If you want to drop the subject now, fine. It's just puzzling to me at least.

WAIT - this is making less and less sense. .


- Oh, good. It's not me!

Yeah, it's puzzling to me too and hard to put into words. First husband was gay (not bi - I think we had sex 7 times with 3 kids resulting) trying to hide in marriage, our youngest is gay. 2nd husband's mom & wife were openly promiscuous which I just learned a couple of years ago; ex really dislikes women and now I at least know it's not just me. I have never, ever cheated on a spouse.

Teachers and parents of my kids' friends told me many times that my sons talked about their great childhood, and yeah, we were close and spent a lot of time playing & laughing together. They had the usual friends who wished I was their mom too. I was single with my sons for 6 years from when the youngest was newborn, he never met his father who chose not to see them even though I regularly sent them to see his relatives and he did live in the same town.

I just thought of all the time I spent with my step children at first because they were outright neglected and needing someone to help them into adulthood. We spent very little time together before the marriage so I didn't realize... I did wonder if my kids resented that time which was no longer all theirs?

The problem seems to have started last summer (when I was as usual visiting at my sons' invitations) and I met this wonderful, kind man. When I told my eldest and youngest about him they just kind of clammed up. Later when I tried to find out what was wrong my youngest seemed to indicate he was worried I can't take care of myself (when I said I was moving nearby). I've been lupus negative for 5 years now and am considered in remission, I walk at least a couple of miles a day, love to hike and spend time at the gym as well. When I asked them to meet my guy they flatly said no.

The silence kills me - so I go overboard trying to analyze where I went wrong, etc. mother angst. But it really started after I told them about this man. Oddly, the youngest said I should be completely through with my ex before I started this which shocked me because we'd been legally separated for 5 years and I simply had to file paperwork to complete the divorce. I haven't lived with this man since 1996 although we did remain married. I had to move way north of Phoenix to a cooler climate because lupus patients die much more quickly in sun & heat. The youngest was still with me at the time at 14.

Well, it's Christmas, middle son is in Japan w/family and still haven't heard from the other two. My guy got called in to work so I'm thinking it might be Baily's time... Ah, well, these things do work out eventually but I have a feeling they'll never be the same.

Yeah, it's puzzling to me too and hard to put into words. First husband was gay (not bi - I think we had sex 7 times with 3 kids resulting) trying to hide in marriage, our youngest is gay. .


If he had sex with a woman, he's not gay... he's bi. You managed to get pregnant 3 times out of having sex 7 times?

Hmmm -

If he had sex with a woman, he's not gay ... he's bi. You managed to get pregnant 3 times out of having sex 7 times?

Hmmm -

Some women are extremely fertile, I can understand that. Anyway, what difference does it make to this thread now?

Some women are extremely fertile, I can understand that. Anyway, what difference does it make to this thread now?


Apparently I thought it was important (in light of the other threads, questions and answers, bits and pieces of info, all of which I would guess you read before you posted this) or I wouldn't have asked it.

So this all hinges on disapproval of the new man in your life?
All I can think of off the bat is money; you have money and he doesn't.
Or he has children too, and they are worried that you will rehabilitate them too, and it will wreck your health.

I also notice that you bring up for a second time your wonder that they resented the kids you spent so much time on. Yet you didn't actually address it with any discussion at all, and launched instead into a 'we all had a wonderful time' story. There's this weird disconnect here. Maybe you just don't realize that we aren't there. But something is still MISSING.

So this all hinges on disapproval of the new man in your life?
All I can think of off the bat is money; you have money and he doesn't.
Or he has children too, and they are worried that you will rehabilitate them too, and it will wreck your health.

I also notice that you bring up for a second time your wonder that they resented the kids you spent so much time on. Yet you didn't actually address it with any discussion at all, and launched instead into a 'we all had a wonderful time' story. There's this weird disconnect here. Maybe you just don't realize that we aren't there. But something is still MISSING.


Out of "agrees" so I'll give you a thumbs up.

If you compare the threads SOMETHING isn't right here - something is, indeed, missing!

I know it seems puzzling that my ex husband was gay, but I used to be Mormon and it is not at all uncommon that a man is pressured into a mission and then marriage only to realize several years (and kids) down the road that he is and always was gay and cannot continue. I know of nearly a dozen families who have gone through this! It's almost like every LDS woman I know can relate this story of such a situation in her extended family. Birth control did not work for me, and I was always careful with the pill 'just in case' we might actually have sex, and got pregnant three times on them. After the third difficult birth I had a tubal ligation.

I don't have money, although I have a small retirement & disability which are enough to be comfortable but never to have luxuries. My guy is still working but not wealthy, his only child is 28, college grad, employed and has a nice girlfriend. Both have been spending the holidays here with us to which I also invited my sons & each's wife/partner.

As things got more serious with my stepchildren I was constantly stressed, so even though I still spent the time with my kids I worry that I wasn't quite all there. And those two sets of kids hated one another with a passion I had no clue about at the time. I figured the older kids would resent the incoming, but their dad was pretty good at spreading himself out amongst them all. He was very decent to my sons and the two younger still keep in touch with him often. The biggest problem was I had all the responsibility and he was all the fun. He never disciplined or kept up with homework or teachers and I couldn't stand that. So I was pretty much the heavy at home - and my heavy has always been very lightweight compared to most.

I didn't believe in a lot of rules but the basics were understood (I made sure): a kid had some chores, was responsible for their homework, went to school every day, did not break the school rules/law and we were good. I knew they'd have those times and made sure they knew they could come to me - all of them. And oddly enough, I was the one they all came to when they were in trouble or need. But there has to have been resentment from my sons when they had to share that time with their step-siblings. They won't talk about it now but in the past when we were more open they have all had small beefs but said their childhood was better than those of most of their friends'. They had told me a few stories of abuse by his much older kids - I told the eldest to leave (at 20) when I caught him being cruel to my much younger ones, but this was after I told my husband I would not tolerate his drinking and smoking pot in the house with my kids. Always strife in step-households and most I could deal with but not that. My sons said they knew they could come to me with things like that; I think it was pretty decent of them that they weren't constantly harping on what the older kids were probably doing.

Don't know what else I can say. I've exchanged very brief texts of Merry Christmas-I-got-this-and-you? With the eldest and youngest, my usual long phone conversation with the middle son and granddaughter. At least they answered my texts, but it's such a striking contrast to just this past summer visit of July through September, time after work & weekends laughing & eating together that I know it's about my current situation. If I try to ask (in text) I get silence. So for now, I'm just going to drop it and give it time.

Yesterday was such a contrast in holidays that I've not quite processed it. My guy's family are very, very close and I've met many of them. Some I already knew (or knew of) because we grew up in the same small town and just re-met at our reunion. His family have welcomed me (that's new and so cool), we were invited to share a bit of time with everyone close by and those that are a few hours away have asked us to make arrangements to visit. They eat and play silly games together, talk and laugh and get noisy and just seem so very glad that this sweet man has found someone to share his life with. He's been widowed for about 4 years and they love him dearly, I'd know even if they didn't tell me by how they treat him. Last night I was subjected to cries of "Goodbye, Ei, so good to meet you are you guys coming next week to the....?" - with hugs & kisses. My own extended family have all been dead for the past decade and more except for my sister so this meant a lot to me. My sons will come around or not, our relationship might never be the same but I am so damned happy, content and busy! Who would think that you'd get the chance at 58 to find someone you so enjoy being with, laughing with constantly - we're doing remodeling on his days off and the contractor said "You two work really well together which is amazing in this situation. I really like all the laughter."

'They had told me a few stories of abuse by his much older kids - I told the eldest to leave (at 20) when I caught him being cruel to my much younger ones,.
... I think it was pretty decent of them that they weren't constantly harping on what the older kids were probably doing.'

All I can do is sigh. It feels like we eke out the tiniest of 'clues' each time you reply.
This should be a stormy sea but you paint a calm tidal pool, even when the older kids are going down the tubes or a husband hates women or you are ill. You seem to retreat into neatness. I don't know if I'm starting to get it or I'm even more confused than ever.

'They had told me a few stories of abuse by his much older kids - I told the eldest to leave (at 20) when I caught him being cruel to my much younger ones,....
....I think it was pretty decent of them that they weren't constantly harping on what the older kids were probably doing.'

All I can do is sigh. It feels like we eke out the tiniest of 'clues' each time you reply.
This should be a stormy sea but you paint a calm tidal pool, even when the older kids are going down the tubes or a husband hates women or you are ill. You seem to retreat into neatness. I don't know if I'm starting to get it or I'm even more confused than ever.


Judging on the PM I got she's leaving forever... so we'll never know. OP just doesn't get that this isn't a blog and that one story contradicts the other.

The sad part is that OP probably has a lot of life experience to offer. Unfortunately, listing the reasons she left her stepchildren was not comforting to a teen who posted that his stepfather had left his family, destroying it. https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental-emotional-health/how-do-cope-during-holidays-after-step-father-left-us-621864.html

I fail to see the similarities between the two situations and I do see the pain the young man is experiencing.

Sigh.