I am hoping to get some guidance and opinions from someone. This past weekend I was supposed to be married. What was the greatest day of my life ended in agony, tragedy and sorrow. I have been with my recent "ex-fiance" for 5 years. He comes from a broken family, bad divorce with his parents and grew up in a home with no love. Three years ago we had a breakup - he left me for 6 months because he needed to work on himself. He wanted to lose weight, clear his head and just needed space. During that time, I moved on. Him and I were still friends and hung out - but it was just as friends. I kept asking him over and over WHY we couldn't just be back together. I was miserable.

After the 6 month breakup I finally met someone to date - nothing serious, but it was a few dates and we had sex once - the NEXT day after having sex with this guy, my ex comes over my house and tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. It was murphys law! I come clean - I tell him during our breakup I was with another man, however I love him very much and very much want our relationship BACK. It hits him hard - but I had to be honest.

So the past 3 years we have worked very hard at building our relationship back up. We got engaged in April and planned a VERY big wedding for this past Saturday - Dec 17th. All of last week I got flowers from him, tons of affection and love. Saturday morning comes, he calls me 10 minutes before I'm due to get hair & makeup done - and all hell broke loose. He started to cry on the phone, told me he loved me VERY much sobbing... Then in the next breath says "YOU EFFIN DESTROYED ME, you destroyed my life" OUT OF NOWHERE. Now I'm speechless. I swear you can't make this up! It went on & on and needless to say - he tells me he needed his "self respect" back and just can't do it.

Now I'm devastated. He frightened me on the phone to the point where I thought he was going to hurt himself. I made phone calls right away and his family rushed to his house to find him sobbing. My love of 5 years abandons me literally a few hours before we are supposed to be husband and wife. The only reason why I am calm right now is because I had to take xanax. The fact that he is telling me he loves me so much makes it worse. Now since Saturday I have been a mess. Crying, can't get out of bed etc... - I hear from his friends that he is acting like NOTHING happened. All of his friends think he is a coward and his family and friends are all on my side - they all tell me that their hearts are bleeding for me and not him. He has bringing me up in conversations like nothing. He obviously has major mental issues and suffers depression. He needs to get help and admitted to a mutual friend that he is devastated by what he did and how he did it to me.

I'm trying very hard to understand WHY and HOW he could do this to me? Everyone keeps telling me to stay strong and that it all happens for a reason. What do I do? I am ANGRY - I am HURT. What he did was unforgivable but in the same breath I know he needs help and I feel that if he gets the help, there still may be a future for us. Am I wrong to feel that way? So basically he blames that he can't get over me being with another guy 3 years ago - but I'm supposed to get over him leaving me back then?

I don't know if I will ever hear from him again. I know he wants to get help and hopefully he will. I have not heard from him since that phone call. Any advice is appreciated. THANK YOU everyone

Ok first you never broke up with him if you keep seeing him and still had feelings for him, So you merely dated someone else, but wanting him. There were mistakes all over.
Next you most likely broke some poor guy you were dating and had sex with, to go back to ex, most likely his post of what you where doing is posted on here somewhere..

It is obvious that issues were not properly talked over and settled.

But advice, this time actually break up, actually have NO contact and move on with your life. Don't go running back as soon as it is OK for him.

To me, he came back to you, only after he knew you were with someone else, he did not want you, but did not want you to be with someone else, his pride was an issue.

Thanks for your response - No actually the guy I briefly dated was a very CASUAL thing and moved on with himself right after, no broken hearts there. There was no way that he knew about me being with this man, but I get what you are saying.
I guess my big thing is that I STILL have hope. After him leaving me the morning of our wedding day, and treating me horribly, I still have hope. I feel like there is still a tiny piece of hope. How do I move on after a 5 year relationship of spending almost everyday with someone. Do I pretend he died?

I bet you do break a heart, you sound like someone that would be hard to get over, it sounds like you put your heart and soul into a relationship.

I guess it depends on what you want, if you still want him, you are not the first to be left at the alter. ( that is why as a priest ** I really am one, I always get paid in advance when they book me, no refunds. Because the number of weddings called off in the two or three days before the wedding will surprise you.

So go see him, don't jump back fast, but get him to agree to counseling together and also perhaps separate to work things ouout.

Ahhhh I would LOVE to just see him and hug him right now - but he is too embarrassed, and ashamed to see me. He says to everyone that he cannot look me in the face.

Go, go knock on his door, tell him you will sleep in the a sleeping bag in front of his door till he opens it up and talks to you. If you really want to, don't let him control it, you already know he screws it up. Take control and get him to talk to you.

If you read most of my writings this is not what I normally say, normally it is leave them and move on, somehow I think you just need to talk to him

THANK YOU. Thank you so much - for having faith and believing in me - or at least believing that I deserve an answer and that he needs to face me. I will keep you posted.

Wow, Chuck, it really is the first time I read such a thing from you.

Anna, your story is heartbreaking, but I will be the bad gal here and say "forget and move on." I don't think any of it was your fault, there was no "fault" to begin with. He broke up with you, you dated someone else and bam, he came back because it's what they do, they all come back once you start to move on.

I wouldn't ever be able to forgive someone who did to me what he did to you, but then again, I honestly think it's a bullet you dodged (I know something about divorce costs!) so yes, call me heartless, but I think you should find someone who will assume the consequences of his acts if he ever break ups with you, a real man who will actually show up on your wedding day, hell, someone who won't break up with you in the first place. Just my thoughts.

Ahhh it's just going to be a very long road for me. I'm 36 and I feel like an old maid. I spent 5 years with this man and wanted to spend 95 years with him. Im hurting so bad. Praying to GOD to give me the strength to make it through this. My only feeling right now is mourning. I feel as if I am a widow.

Go cuss his a$$ out good and proper, and turn the page on this chapter of your life.

That's twice he chose to leave, don't give him a third chance, because that would be totally your fault after wasting 5 years of high hopes.

You don't get to blame him because you give your heart to someone that doesn't deserve it, or know what to do with it.

Leave the miserable SOB to drown in his own crap, while you seek true happiness, CLEARLY without him.

Wow, Chuck, it really is the first time I read such a thing from you.

Anna, your story is heartbreaking, but I will be the bad gal here and say "forget and move on." I don't think any of it was your fault, there was no "fault" to begin with. He broke up with you, you dated someone else and bam, he came back because it's what they do, they all come back once you start to move on.

I wouldn't ever be able to forgive someone who did to me what he did to you, but then again, I honestly think it's a bullet you dodged (I know something about divorce costs!) so yes, call me heartless, but I think you should find someone who will assume the consequences of his acts if he ever break ups with you, a real man who will actually show up on your wedding day, hell, someone who won't break up with you in the first place. Just my thoughts.


Can't believe I wrote it either, but I go with my feelings in the relationship area, and so many times men or women start having all that fear on the day or two before the wedding, most are emotionally stable to do the right thing, or have family that just make them go though it, In this case, I feel he may just have emotional or perhaps even bipolar and needs professoinal help to deal with things

Either that or he is a total jerk, needs to be cussed out and is just using her past to shift the blame.
In either case, she deserves to see him face to face

Ok, Im going to be the harsher:

He left you at the alter and you still have hope?
After talking him back for him to "find himself"

I am sorry to hear all of that.

But, out of all honesty. You are part of it.
Wanting to be with him. A guy like that. Your mistake. A big one.

I guess he finally laid it on the line. Huh? Too bad it took so long.
Sorry, I got to laugh. Communication is everything. REALLY getting to know someone. Talking.

I guess you know who not to get with. Now.

I would spend the next bit of time removing yourself from him, his family & everything that has to do with him.

And check your head.

Its not you its me.