Hello everyone, and thank you for any advice you can give me. My apologies for the length I just didn't want to miss anything.

My husband and I have been married now for a little over two years. Let me start by saying that right before we got together my husband had been in a bad relationship with the mother of his first child. He was trying to make it work for his son but she was a drunk and a drug addict and she frequently went out partying as well as cheated on him. As a result he started sleeping with someone on the side as well, a friend he had known for over ten years, although it wasn't very frequently. At some point in his history he and this “friend” had dated very briefly.
Flash forward a bit after we started dating, became engaged, and then got married. He still talked to this friend of his (the same he had been sleeping with before) via text, phone, and sometimes he would go see her. At this point I didn't think anything of it although knowing their history I was not really that comfortable with her. I do not believe that anything else was going on at this point though.
A few months after we got married I shipped out to basic training, then after that tech school where he joined me for a few months. It wasn't until we moved to Maryland though that there began to be problems. We found out I was pregnant with our first child before we left my technical training and during our move suffered from horrible morning sickness that lasted all day (I was constantly nauseous and throwing up) and wasn't able to help a lot during the move which resulted in quite a few fights between us.
After that things steadily went downhill. He started becoming more distant, we got into arguments frequently (although looking back I can see that the majority stemmed from him blowing them way out of proportion) Around this time I had been standing behind him while he was on Facebook and saw him add some girl as his friend (he seemed really happy about it) he said she was someone he knew a few years back and that was all, he just hadn't talked to her in awhile (not the same as the other woman whom he was still talking to at least every other day). Fast forward again and the fighting gets worse, he is cold towards me, sleeps on the couch most nights and when we fought would be extremely mean (name calling and such). I didn't know how to deal with him or why things were so rough between us and was miserable that things were like this so close to when the baby was due.
A few months after our son I found out that he had been having an emotional affair. His alarm had gone off early in the morning, and when I went to turn it off his most recent conversation came up on screen. It was from the girl from Facebook and she was agreeing to send him some pictures. Curious I scrolled up to read the whole conversation and was horrified. He had been flirting with this girl around my age (im a great deal younger than my husband) telling her she was sexy and asking for “pictures of your hot naked body”. He had even asked more than once and when she asked if he still wanted them his response had been “Yes! =)” I was devastated and angry, I woke him up off the couch by throwing the phone at him. He seemed apologetic, but the kicker was that this had been going on since he had found her on Facebook back in July (it was April the next year) and all this time he had rarely touched me and acted like all I ever did was make his life a living hell.
I was ready to divorce him, but he convinced me to go to counseling with him instead and agreed to cut off contact (I made sure she knew it was over too). But then I noticed he was also texting his other “old friend” (the one hed been sleeping with before) an alarming amount. He texted her every single day, sometimes there were a good thirty to forty texts between them, and even though it seemed innocent conversation enough I couldn't handle it with everything that had just happened. I got upset, I told him he needed to stop texting her as well and he out right refused. He insisted he was doing nothing wrong and she was his friend. No matter what I did he wouldn't stop texting her.
Then I found a message from him to her referring to me as a “f***ing b****” to which she replied “I wish I could take you away from that b****” and his reply was “you are right about so many thing, I definitely agree with you on this one” This time I put my foot down. I got her number and told her that I'd read what she wrote and I told her to stop, to him I told that I would divorce him if he didn't. He finally agreed to stop talking to her and start working on our relationship (she told me that he was her friend and she could talk to him if she wanted to).
I kept checking his phone up until he changed the locks on it again (he claimed for work purposes because he uses his smart phone to carry documents and hold conferences and he didn't want anyone to get that kind of info off it) I was upset that he changed the locks but couldn't do anything about it, he insisted he wasn't talking to her anymore but part of me never believed it and it turned out I was right. A few months later I managed to unlock his phone and of course I found messages to and from her AGAIN. This time she was flirting with him (although he insists its not flirting). Telling him that she was horny, offering to “help him out” in the shower, and referring to him as “my sexy man”. Of course I was furious, I told him it had to stop. Things had gotten better between us (less fighting, he started acting more like he wanted to be with me) but that didn't change the fact that he lied to my face again and started talking to her (I had asked him face to face if he was talking to her and he said no) Again he promised to stop, I also called her up told her I knew what she was up to and eventually she said she wouldn't text him if he didn't text her (he initiated contact with her first).
Less than a month later I find more texts from her and to her, again same thing, I demanded he stop he said he would, then one day when I pulled up face book I found he had started talking to her on there instead. So far I had stayed with him only because of our son and the little girl we have on the way (due in February) but I don't think I can handle this anymore. This time I went after her and posted on her Facebook a request for her to stop texting my husband to flirt with him (she is currently in a relationship and immediately promised to stop texting him if I stopped posting the request where all her contacts could see) but my husband will not promise to stop and give me proof that he has stopped texting her, he also will not tell me why he feels such a burning need to keep in contact with this woman even if it was destroying his marriage.
I'm sick of being lied to and as far as I'm concerned his emotional affair didn't end with that girl, it just changed direction and found a new target. He has admitted that he started talking to her more because we were fighting (essentially he was saying it was my fault) but he also insists it is not an emotional affair he just likes talking to her and that there is nothing wrong with it. (I tried to explain that if he was going to her when we fight to talk bad about me, let her call me names, encourage her to flirt with him, and lie to my face, hide it, and refuse to stop even to save our relationship than that was exactly what it is, she wasn't “just an old friend”)

I skipped through this because of the length. What is your question?

If you feel you are being abused mentally, if leaving is better than staying, then it's time to leave.

Yes, an emotional connection is an emotional affair. I think it's cheating.

I never understand why, when a man is involved with two women the women turn on each other instead of him. You contacted the "other woman" on Facebook and told her to leave "your man" alone? She has never made any promises to you. He (I presume) has. It's HIS choice to stop contacting her or not, not HERS.

If you can't live like this, time to get out!

Actually she did, and she insulted me on more than one occasion. She is not just a random number on his phone, I know who she is and she know who I am and that what she is doing is wrong. I would expect to be held responsible if I was knowingly involved with someone's husband too.

I am torn between staying or going. If I stay our family stays together and things may get better between us but I'll never fully be able to trust him and there are a lot of hurt feelings even if he finally ends it with her.

If I divorce him it will be painful and difficult for everyone involved including our children, there isn't much of a chance that it will be civil either since I know he will try for custody of them. I also know that part of me will miss him because when things were good between us they were great and he can be so sweet and loving.

Actually she did, and she insulted me on more than one occasion. She is not just a random number on his phone, I know who she is and she know who I am and that what she is doing is wrong. I would expect to be held responsible if I was knowingly involved with someones husband too.

I am torn between staying or going. If I stay our family stays together and things may get better between us but I'll never fully be able to trust him and there are alot of hurt feelings even if he finally ends it with her.

If I divorce him it will be painful and difficult for everyone involved including our children, there isn't much of a chance that it will be civil either since I know he will try for custody of them. i also know that part of me will miss him because when things were good between us they were great and he can be so sweet and loving.


Unfortunately you are not this woman's moral advisor or conscience. And, again, HE is the one cheating, not her. Would I get involved with someone who is involved with another woman? No, never. Never have, have never been tempted. On the other hand if MY husband got involved with another woman would I embarrass myself by contacting her and/or arguing about her relationship with him? No. I think all the wife or girlfriend does in that instance is embarrass herself.

Yes, divorce is extremely painful for children. So is living in a house where there's an undercurrent of distrust or anger.

Would I share a life and a bed with a man who is so willing to hurt me, lie to me, see other women? No, but that's me. I would also be very aware that there are STD's out there and people are dying or living with the symptoms for years and years. How do you know that the other woman isn't involved with other men? Anything she "catches" can be "caught" by your husband and passed on to you. Something to think about.

I'm an investigator - there are two types of cheaters (based on years of experience). There's the man who gets involved, gets caught, feels terrible, suffers over his bad choices and never, ever gets involved with another woman again. Then there's the man who gets involved, gets caught and gets defiant. Maybe he ends "it" with this woman BUT he takes up with someone else. Believe me, I've seen it.

Bottom line (and this is no big shock to you) - it's your decision.

What Judy is saying here is that the other woman owes you nothing. Her promises are worthless to you. You HUSBAND however, owes you honesty and fidelity. Those were the vows he made to you. She owes you nothing of the sort, and could do nothing to damage your marriage without the consent and participation of your husband. She is not deceiving her spouse, HE is and he is the person your anger should be directed to. He betrayed you, not her.

You know what is going on. You have a choice to make. Either stay and take the affairs and abuse or leave. Continue to show your children that it is okay for the person they love to hurt them, or leave and show them that it is never OK to be emotionally abused. Divorce is never easy, but you know how hard your marriage has been. I am not sure what you are asking either, but there are only two solutions to this issue and only you can make a decision about it.

Swapping nude pictures, having sexually explicit conversations via text, IS cheating.

What bothers me most about this is this husband of yours already has a child with another woman, and that relationship ended badly. Then the two of you brought a child into the world, amid all this drama with other women, affairs, lying cheating. There is no trust, no real attempt at him changing, nor did the therapy you mentioned, work to any degree.

Then you decide to bring another child into this world.

You hope that it will get better as you say. Perhaps he is capable of change, but I see no evidence of this man suddenly wanting to be a loyal, faithful husband, or father, to his three children.

He lives a lifestyle that is not condusive to marriage. What he does is outside the bounds of marriage, and he makes this choice. You are not first in his life, nor is his marriage, or his children. Had he had his priorities right, the only woman in his life, would be, and should be- you.

Banter around the water cooler at work is one thing, what he is doing is something else again. It's sleazy, underhanded, selfish, sneaky, and disrespectful to you. And I don't give a rat's a** what debates are created about whether it is 'cheating'. What it is, is behaviour that wrecks marriages, and that is what is happening to you.

Consider your options, seriously. You have a life to live, and two (soon) children to provide for, and nuture, and they deserve a loving home.