I met my ex (J) by sheer coincidence. Some call it fate. We weren't suppose to meet but we did. He called it love at first sight, and I can't say the same. I had NO interest in him what so ever but when he finally touched my heart , we got together - and when we did, it was magical.

We broke so many rules together. Did so many things together. And best of all , at least to me, we treated each other like precious gems and never had an argument that was anything more than a quarrel. When we got together, we knew that one day I would have to leave... to pursue education. When I left I believed that he would be my first and my last (Yes, he was my first and most blissful love). I wanted to stay and hang on till the end but circumstances would not allow. WHY? Because I was raped by a man (M) that liked me... After that incident, I could no longer talk to J the same way. I was always cold, and he could tell something was up. I could not bring myself to tell him so one day I called him and told him that " I don't think I love you anymore".

FOUR years have passed since. I am no longer with M - he obviously left me... I knew that this would happen some day as I've always felt used.

Anyway, I'm with a guy (A) who loves me so much now, I couldn't ask for more. We have been together for almost 3 years...

The problem is I have never once let J leave my mind. Recently I told J that I still miss him... And he told me the same. J is currently going through another heartbreak. I know he loves that woman a lot... I know he took the longest time to get over me (He would call me when he couldn't sleep... Even when he was seeing someone else ) and I know he has gotten over the fact that I am no longer his. But how do I know if he still loves me? He told me that he couldn't have two woman he love, both mad at him. I jokingly corrected him saying that one woman, was one that he loves, and me, the one he loved. He said he still loves me... But a different kind of love. He called it FRIENDSHIP love. When I asked him to explain , he refused and said he couldn't. He also told me never to to return to where we met/dated because he was afraid to see me. Will a man please tell me what all this means? Oh yes, Jason never knew the real reason of our break up... I know he wonders till this day... BUT

Should I stay with A?. A thinks of marriage with me. But I know that he isn't the one I want to marry... A can give me a better future. J cannot , but J can make me happier than I am now. I've never stopped comparing, and its gotten worse now. I can't stop thinking of him. Should I tell A? Should I confess to J that I still love him? Will he be with me?. Or should I stay with a man that loves me so much... I AM SO LOST and I feel so bad. Sometimes I wish I was dead.

OK, sorry I am not a guy! But I can tell you this: if you really want to stop wondering go see J, yes its crazy I know! But go see him, once you see him everything will clear up! Look this is something that happened to a friend of mine! He wanted to go out with this girl, he loved her and she liked him too but for some reason they were never together! Time passed by, 5years he still wondered what would it have been like if: k, he was going through some tough time with his girl, he took a break, wasn't going good! He then met up with her, and told her he always wondered about her and him, they went out, but he woke up! It wasn't the same anymore, everything made sense after that. He got over it, and 5 years back then weren't the same after! Go see him face to face, you can't always wonder who knows maybe you wake up and see that heart that used to belong to J, now nelongs to A! Or that it still belongs to J! You need not to wonder, but to know for sure before taking a decision, Its always like that.. we keep the precious moments and that's why we can't let go! But if you knew who, or how much he has changed your heart will know if he is the one or not! Id say as crazy as it sounds do it, so you can be in peace!