Our son-in-law was stealing money from us for years thinking we did not know. We got a video camera so we could prove to our daughter he was stealing. They separated for a short period. They have been back together for a while. They went to counseling. He stole for the simple fact that he thought he was getting away with it for years and that we never knew. We didn't say anything because we did not to want to break up their marriage.

However, he put our daughter through hell last year for other things and she was upset so we thought she should know what he's been doing to us with stealing. We showed her the video and she was devastated. They separated but because he told her and the therapist it was because of his childhood and because he thought we did not like him that is why he did it. We have always treated him very well even when we knew what he was doing.

We even forgave him and they were coming for Thanksgiving dinner. The night before Thanksgiving our daughter calls and was very cold and demanding saying that they could not come because she felt us acting like nothing was wrong to keep peace would be fake. She thinks we should be able to erase the incident completely out of our minds and sit down and talk. She is very head strong and it is her way or the highway. She thinks we should be able to overlook this mess. She has no respect for our feelings. She has alienated her brother and his family and us.

We have been such giving parents and so good to them over the years. We never got a thank you from her husband. He is cold and calculating. To sit and talk as proven before, we get no where with them. When someone does something like this there are consequences. He is a college graduate and knows right from wrong. He had to have their son go to private catholic school; but he is not to be trusted himself. He is not social and warm.

Our daughter was very close to us; but now she is distant. She told us to let her be. It is very hurtful. So I guess we will respect her wishes.

I read your very upsetting post and made paragraphs so more people will read it. Do you want us to advise you in any way, or are you just venting?

I don't believe in trying to "act" like something never happened, and sitting down and getting it all out in the open actually sounds like a good idea. It may mean everyone has hard feelings for a while, but it brings it out in the open

You video taped your son in law- for years?

He was stealing money you said. So you baited him too? Why did you leave money laying around, or rather set him up, and then video tape him. Why didn't you buy a safe and put your money in the safe. Why didn't you talk to him about it when money started going missing. Why not be honest instead.

That seemed more like an opportunity to convince your daughter he was a lousy man and husband.

Had he, in your opinion, been a better person, would you have even bothered - ever - to show her the evidence?

I think you should apologize for your behaviour toward your son in law. I can only imagine how he would feel after realizing you were secretly filming him to 'prove' he was a thief. And then kept the information for years, until you could really do some damage with it.

What you have done behind his back, and your daughter's back, was all during the time you put a smile on your face and 'helped them out' and likely hosted dinners and parties for, and with them. Did you buy him Christmas gifts, and enjoy their children coming over too?

None of them knew what you were doing either. That is really a lousy thing to do to anybody. And then nail him with it, knowing that he and your daughter were struggling already. Nail in the coffin comes to mind.

Why you didn't deal with it when it was happening, and instead gather evidence, for years, is anybody's guess.

I'm glad that they are in therapy. I suggest that you consider doing likewise.

Of course leave them alone to deal with their guilt, and shame in their own time, in their own way. Yes it may well take years since it took years to get to where they are at, and you really should have nipped it in the bud when it was happening instead of exploding it in the open during a family discussion later.

What's done is done, so let them heal, learn, and hopefully grow.