She says I'm the love of her life but she makes social plans with others and more often than not seems to keep them but when she makes one-on-one plans with me they always seem subject to "if something else doesn't come up". Example: She made plans to go with me to an out of town function (gig) on a Saturday about a week prior. She has lots of college homework. She said she would go with me, do her homework in the car and spend the night at my place afterward. She then screwed off Wednesday night with a friend and didn't do any homework, screwed off Thurs. night playing on Facebook and didn't do any and didn't do any Friday night either. Then Saturday afternoon she says "I've got all this homework, I can't go".

She keeps social appointments to attend various functions and rarely seems to cancel those, especially to spend time with me, but she'll cancel plans with me to do something she could have done earlier, like her home work. When I get upset and express to her that I am very hurt by this and feel unimportant, she tells me my problem is that I take everything she says as set in stone and tries to say my hurt is my own problem. I do a lot of things for her daily to show my love, I help her with her homework and even do some of it for her, I do some work for her with an online job she has, give her wake-up calls every morning so she'll make it to work on time.

She wants to spend hours on the phone with me yet she will not make spending one-on-one time with me any sort of a priority. I understand it can't take precedence over her school but it seems to me that if she really loved me as much as she says, which is totally, that I would figure into the equation more than I do. She just says "but I think about you every minute". But she doesn't seem to think it's important to to make plans with me and keep them.

Another example: I told her I was spending the night at a male friend's house out of town and she said "Oh....well, okay...but I was maybe hoping I could come over and spend the night with you". I replied "Well, I can cancel the plans with my friend because I'd much rather spend the time with you." Then she says "Well...I'm not sure what I'm doing." When I express my hurt to her she says I'm making HER feel bad by making her feel guilty and she usually won't talk to me for a day or two.

What do I do?

It's time to stop being the giving one and create some boundaries. If you tell her you're going to see a friend and are staying overnight, do it, despite whatever noises she makes. Stop helping her with homework and even doing it for her. You've just giving her more "free time" to be with her friends (plus, doing her work is called cheating). You have become an enabler, a codependent. Stop it right now!

Your needs and wants are just as valid as hers. Have pride in yourself and restore your self-esteem. Build some fences. Tell her no.

Thank you very much for your answer! The thought had occurred to me also that I was just giving her more time to spend with people who were not me, so I feel a bit vindicated by your response. Since I do work with the public (musician) I have noticed her in situations where I knew she was mad at me for trying to stand up for myself, if other women were paying attention to me she seemed very uncomfortable. She would never, ever make any sort of a scene but I noticed that witnessing that she would suddenly not be mad at me anymore. But I'm not a game player, so I wouldn't try to create situations that would make her jealous just to make her pay more attention to me. That would be false attention anyway. Bhe knows how much I love her and that I'd be there for her no matter what and I think that has allowed her to be in a position where she doesn't have to put a lot of effort into this. I have wondered if I just didn't contact her for a couple of days if it might make her think about just how good she has it with me. What do you think her reaction to that would be?

I would advise you to not be the needy one who contacts her all the time, hoping she will answer or text back to you. If you do contact her, keep it short and on topic, telling her something factual -- "Be sure to take your umbrella tomorrow. The weather forecast is calling for rain" or "My sister's dog had six puppies this morning."

If she contacts you, do the same -- keep it on topic and factual. If she wants to get into feelings, don't go there right now. Interrupt with another factual thing, "Oh! Did I tell you...." or "Oooops, I've gotta go now. Talk soon!" Don't get into any emotional discussion right now.

Be friendly, be polite, but be factual, on-task about the details of life. If you don't contact her at all, you're playing games.

Thank you. I will try that. I should mention to be fair that she does contact me just as much as I contact her. Of course once she is 'not mad anymore' (usually a few hours or a day or so) she will get into the feelings and the 'I love you's and if I don't she will ask me what's wrong and won't let up till I give her an answer. How best do I handle that?

Don't play the feelings game: "I love you. Do you love me?" (implying, "since I love you, you are required to love me back and have to tell me so")

If she gets into that mode, I would just tell her "Yes, I love you" and politely end the call. Don't get into discussions and arguments about how much she loves you and how much you love her. She's just being needy; intellectually she knows the answer.

"Be the adult in the room."

I have one more question... When she's mad at me for expressing my hurt, is she really mad at herself for hurting me or is she genuinely hurt that I have expressed my hurt to her? And if the latter, is it best to not express it and just pull back from her a bit?

And thank you again. It's wonderful to get feedback from a professional on this.

I'm thinking she's hurt that you would dare feel hurt. I don't know her except for what you have said about her, so that's my best guess.

Don't express hurt or react to anything she's done that you don't like. She knows what she has done that might upset you. Keep her guessing for a while.

Let me know how this is working out. We can always adjust the strategy.

Be yourself and be honest, and why should you care if she gets mad? You cater too much, and seem to need her to always acknowledge it.

Have a plan B and enjoy yourself without her, and stop worrying so much what she is doing.

For sure canceling dates would make me think twice about asking for one, or making plans. Its up to you how much you allow her to treat you as an option. Takes two to set boundaries, and one to screw it up by crossing them.

Helping with her homework is cool on occasion, doing it for her... I don't think so!

Doing the home work is a no no

I personal after the first 2 times she canceled on me I would not have given her another option to do so.

My advice don't contact her for a bit wait for her to contact you. Let her for once make a plan

If she does not then well you have to ask yourself does she really want to be with me.

It really does sound like you're an option in her life

And as mr TAL says

Why make someone a priorty in your life
While they only make you an option in there's!

On a personal note stop being there for her because she is taking you for granted. Trust me my ex of 2 years took me for granted, always being there for her 24/7 and found myself on the short end of the stick while the people that use her and can't do anything for her she treated them better then me.