We have an acquaintance, a 65 year old man, married, retired, veteran, currently raising his grandson. Know the couple from various school stuff with our kids. After 3 years knowing them, got to chatting with wife and they seemed friendly so we invited them to a holiday get-together at our house along with various other couples they did not know. Big sit-down dinner we cooked, some wine, sitting and talking afterwards, kids playing. People spread across 3 rooms. Suddenly I realize this man is abruptly getting up to leave and his wife is scurrying after him with their coats. Another friend apologizes to us, saying that apparently this man was upset by something he'd said. I go to man's wife and ask what's going on, she says they are leaving, and from some of the conversation I come to realize the man thinks our other friend wanted to take him out back and punch him. I try to get him to stop leaving so we can find out what's going on, but he hears none of it and is rudely out the door. I wasn't even in same room as him when this conversation took place. I am as bewildered as you can be.

The other friend then tells us they were having some discussion about war in Iraq and they disagreed on an issue and our friend here had said 'let's go outside' meaning that since it was becoming a controversial discussion he didn't want to have it in front of the kids and women. Apparently this older man though he was asking him outside for a fist fight. Crazy. Ain't ever seen that except in the movies...

Haven't spoken to this man since, see the wife as usual at various kid stuff at school and she seems the same as always, doesn't chat much anymore, and has never apologized to us. I've never brought up the subject of her husband. This was about 10 months ago.

Now last night I see the man at a function and I say hi as we pass close by. He immediately rudely makes a point of ignoring me. His wife is nearby so I ask her, "does your husband have a problem with me about something?" she tells me, "well, I don't know, why don't you ask him?"

So, silly stupid, direct me, I quietly go ask him. "Are you mad at me about something?" And he turns to look at me and says, "I think you're an intelligent enough lady to figure that out for yourself"

Which, kind of defeats the purpose of me asking him, I think, but then I ask him anyway: "does this have something to do with what happened at our house last holiday?" And he says "That's part of it." And then turns away, obviously no longer engaging in the conversation.

So, OK, I know the guy is weird and childish for a 65 year old man. But I honestly think I'm not that intelligent because I don't get it. I had nothing to do with the holiday thing. I will say that about a month after the incident my husband tells me the wife told him that she thought we'd set them up to come to their house to have that happen. HUh?

So how should I interpret and deal with the wife's and the husband's behavior here? I need to work alongside the wife on various school projects, have no need for them socially. See the husband rarely, but don't appreciate being treated rudely by him. Don't like feeling uncomfortable, would like to know what's going on, but see little chance of that.(?) Not much opportunity to chat with wife without kids around. Just before all this happened I'd sent an e-mail to the guy (along with string of other friends) as my usual habit of wishing veterans a happy veterans day. No other contact and no reply from him ever on it. But I am guessing that somehow he has probably weirdly misinterpreted even that. Have their phone # but have never called them socially even once.

Is there some way you can connect with the wife and find out from her what is going on with him? (and it may be bigger than your holiday party)

Seems to me that's what I tried to do, but wife said talk to him... now do I interpret her behavior to mean she honestly doesn't know, or she's sick of dealing w/ his childishness, or she doesn't want anything to do with me either and is just being more polite than he is? I got to say, for the most part, I fail in understanding human behavior. Don't know why folks can't say what they mean and mean what they say... so I look to you folks at AMHD for interpretations...

My best guess is that she lives with this every day (and probably has for a long time), but is committed to him and too old to divorce and start over. Another possibility is he has early-stage Alzheimer's and she doesn't realize it but may know something is different, hasn't gone with him to a doctor (he won't go), and is just waiting and watching plus hoping he doesn't do stuff like this too often. (A dear friend of mine in his late 60s got strangely irascible, and it turned out to be Alzheimer's.)

I would be pleasant if I encounter them socially, but otherwise, there's not much you can do.

I would only guess that he thought ( take it outside) was an invitation to fight, and to be honest, yes if someone said that to me, in a heated discussion I would have thought the same thing. It really happens more than you think,

So have you ever tried to tell him you are sorry for your friends actions, not asking him what he is upset about.

It is obvious that the war is a real issue to him, and I am not sure of your friends view, but yes it could be enough to make someone leave a party

It seems odd to me that he would be angry with you over a heated discussion with another of your guests that occurred when you were in another room. I think he's being irrational, and that as you made overtures to repair the relationship and he wished to stay angry, I'd let it go and let the friendship go.

Some people would just rather be offended than work to get along with people, or try to gain better understanding of a situation. I personally preffer not to bother with this type of people because it can be a pattern of behavior and is too exhausting and futile to deal with their weird expectations.

I can certainly see why he left and was offended by the comment to take the argument outside. More appropriate would have been to table or temper the discussion so it would be appropriate for the company, and I think the suggestion to go outside was beyond inappropriate and weird.

It sounds to me that you had two clunker guests at your party!

This man is a war veteran,so obviously has some very nasty memories,which he would rather forget.I imagine that the discussion at your party dug into those memories to far, not only did it do that, it also seems to have questioned this mans views on previous and maybe present conflicks,which I think he took offence too.( we don't know )

What started as a after dinner chat,ended up with these two men having a conflick all of their own,at which point the veteran, having no intention of pursuing it further,chose to leave.

Unfortunately we don't know what was said,however I can see no reason why he would blame you,unless someone has put you in the frame for it.

I can see why he would have thought the way that he did( an invitation to fight) which rather than cause a scene he was doing the right thing by leaving,however everything now has gotten very confusing.

If I were you, I would approach the other guest involved,perhaps he will give you his version of events.
Trouble with stories, lots of things get added and taken away,ending up far from the truth of the matter.

I would suggest writing a letter. You could perhaps mention that you think there was a misinterpretation of the other mans invitation to "go outside". I would express that you are really not sure of exactly what happened, and would love to have his side of the story. I would only apologize for the misinterpretation and express you hope to be able to come to an amicable agreement or understanding. If you don't hear back from the man or the woman regarding the letter, maybe try to invite the woman out for coffee, sans kids. If she declines your offer, I would suggest letting it go. You have tried your best to get to the bottom of things, and this man obviously wants to hold the grudge.