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View Full Version : This is my first time actually expressing publicly my anger and depression problems.


Jeramie
Nov 14, 2011, 03:40 PM
This is my first time actually expressing publicly my anger and depression problems. I am a 24 year old man and for the past, who knows how many years I have been on and off drugs (prescription painkillers & anxiety medicine) at times abusing both very heavily then quitting for a couple months and starting up all over again. I am off both drugs for over a year now but still haven't quit smoking weed.

It has been an every day thing for me since I was about 13 years old and it scares the hell out of me whenever I think about having to quit it just like that. I will make up excuses like well ill just do it up until this Saturday and then stop after that because I really need to because I will be finished with school soon and ready for job placement which will almost 100% require that I submit a drug screening. Of course when Saturday comes I smoke the entire day and wake up the next morning extremely angry because I have ran out and eventually sometime during the day end up getting my hands on some and continue smoking the entire week again until Saturday comes and I am doing the same process over again.

I know my constant smoking and unwillingness to quit stems from a lot of things that I have been over in therapy which I attended for almost a year straight at one point in time but seems like no matter how much I try, I cannot forgive myself or the others who have made me feel such regret, anger and hatred. So here is my life story in a nutshell so I don't just sound like some rambling angry old dude and but I can shed some light on what it is that makes me tick somewhat I guess.

I was raised mostly by my grandmother who did show me much love and affection however her daughter which was my mother was not the same. She was the same as me in that she smoked so much weed every day and swallowed so many pills per day that she was somewhat numb to the fact that she actually had children. I mean she was there but she wasn't there, if you can understand that.

My father is from mexico and was raised very strictly by a very strict man. In turn, the treatment he received as a child was the treatment I received as a child. His way of discipline was not to explain or hit but abuse. I mean I don't know how young I was but I can remember 1 time that was just too much was when he kicked my little brother through the hallway with his work boots on and my little brother was wearing diapers just to show you how young he was when this happened to him.

Needless to say, my mom spent all her time with her "friend" who was a corrupt police officer who worked at a nearby department. She was always with him, and my dad was always home alone with us. Im sure eventually he got sick of that and their divorce started. Me my bro and sis all went to live with my mom which was a huge mistake -- we should have moved in with my grandmother.

We hardly ever saw her [mom] and when we did see her she was so messed up every time it never failed. Her boyfriend got discharged from his station and had his badge taken away was never allowed to be a cop again because he hit my sister. My mom stayed with him, and my sister was the 1st to go stay with my dad, then following her was me with my brother last.

We moved back and forth from 1 home to another because one of my parents decided that drugs were more important and the other decided that women were more important. Eventually my grandmother died and everything went even more down the tubes. My mom started introducing the drugs to us and using with us, and my dad became the one who can care less about anything as long as his new wife was happy and the girls he cheated on her with were happy.

I met a girl impregnated her and moved in with her and her parents and dropped out of high school. I still don't know which idea would have been worse -- staying with my mom or moving in with them. I stopped using but fell into a huge whirlpool of depression because the type of family they ran was the one where they had to control my every move or I had to go.

I stayed with her throughout her grueling pregnancy and dealt with all the BS that came from her and her family. I soon lost the job that I found and was jobless and still education-less. I had to get out of her house because it started getting to the point where there had to be a fight in their house all day every day or they weren't happy. Never met such an angry family ever.

I called up the lady who my dad left my mom for because my father had left her for another lady and she was nice enough to let me stay there with her. The whole time there, I just got worse and worse with my weed smoking and selling and the arguments I had with my babies mother and family had grown so huge I actually started having really bad anxiety and started becoming very hyper.

I went to the doctor and he prescribed me anxiety medicine. HUGE MISTAKE. I overtook them so bad I woke up with them and went to sleep with them. Eventually the doctor stopped giving them to me, and there was the end of that for now.

The lady who I was staying with eventually got back with my father and let me and my sister stay in the apartment that we were staying in under 1 condition, that we get our acts together, get a job, and start paying her rent. I went from job to job at temp agencies. My sister left me with the apartment and it started getting hard for me to pay the rent. My friend came up with a solution I could get a part time job at the UPS he was working at and work another part time job at a gas station that he knew needed help, so I did.

I started popping prescription painkillers getting them from the street and paying ridiculously amounts of money for them and couldn't pay rent at all no more. My father and stepmother gave me a choice either somehow come up with rent for the next month or leave, so I left. I moved in with my friend and continued to take painkillers everyday.

I soon found out that my mother passed away from overdosing on painkillers and it seems not to have a big affect on me at all I continued to live the way I was. My roommate started using too much though and his drinking was worse than anything. It became such a nuisance and I decided I had to go. My babies mother was thinking the same thing and she needed to get out of her house because her family was too much for her to deal with, so we moved in together in hopes that we would work out together.

Soon after moving in with her, my ex-roommate and one of my best friends also passed away from overdosing on prescription painkillers. I continued to live the same way except my babies mother knew I was smoking weed but not taking pills. I eventually couldn't do what I was doing no more because sometimes I had the money to and sometimes I didn't that began to be too much for me so I told her.

She kicked me out of the apartment and made me sleep outside on the street for the night, then decided she wanted to help and not kick me out. It was the middle of winter time and I couldn't take the cold no more, so I went back with her. Her terms were that I quit my job because I was getting some of the pills from there and that I go get help from a facility.

For the next year, I spent it going to therapy and drug awareness classes, met a lot of sober people, and started trying to live life sober except for 1 thing -- I was sober from pills not weed. Funding for the program I was going to ran out and I had no insurance, so it was time for me to move on.

I enrolled in Lincoln College Of Technology, taking classes in the field of electronic systems. Relapsed half way through the program, sobered up from pills again, and went right back to school. Currently this is my situation, I am jobless and seeking a job, am living with a person that we can't stand each other, haven't talked to my father or sister, talk to my brother every once in a while, and no more friends (that aren't using).

I wake up everyday depressed and with no energy but also angry sometimes with super amounts of energy. I have given into life and just do whatever comes along the way without question, but don't like it, don't like the girl I'm with and she don't like me, hate my life, my degree of training I chose, have no one to talk to, and wish I die every day, but just without the balls to actually kill myself.

This is my last resort -- I am reaching out hoping someone reaches back and that's all that I can do.

Wondergirl
Nov 14, 2011, 04:04 PM
You're a good writer with an amazing story to tell. I took the liberty to break it up into paragraphs so more people will read it and give you some good and helpful feedback.

What about doing more therapy? That seemed to work for a while. Is there anyone you can connect to in your real life? You're in the U.S.

Seems like you have a tons of smarts and know-how you could share with kids who need some guidance. There's got to be a place for you in this world.

Jeramie
Nov 15, 2011, 01:49 PM
@Wondergirl I really appreciate you actually sitting there and reading this huge thing and breaking up the paragraphs for me. I wasn't expecting anybody to write back especially because this is a somewhat last resort to me, didn't even have a plan to come back and check it, but I checked my email and sure enough there was something.

To answer your questions, I've always been good with grammar but not really much else. Therapy seemed like it helped but only to an extent plus I have no insurance right now so it's kind of out of the question. As far as anyone to connect to in my real life, what I was writing about is my real life and I have only 1 friend who doesn't use as hard as he did but he is borderline homeless meaning he can take care of only his problems and most likely has no time to even hear mine out considering he has a lot going on too. There is no family to talk to aside from my brother and because he was never really big on any drug except weed he can't really understand where I come from also because of all the stuff we have had going on in our family for the past few years we really don't get along anyway.

Yes I live in the US in a suburb near Chicago. I have thought about helping out the youth with some of my knowledge as far as right from wrong in situations such as mine however what would I look like if I am seeking help from other people on these subjects yet trying to motivate and coach others on what to do. I would like to do something like that if I can get myself together though.

The one thing that has interested me is writing reviews for movies or games I think I would like that but am already so far along in school for another field it would be kind of out of reach plus my lack of experience in that field. Honestly I am very thankful for hearing my problems out again it brightened up my day to know some one listened hope to hear back from you again.

Wondergirl
Nov 15, 2011, 02:06 PM
I'm going to have to teach you how to make paragraphs! I just went over your new post and created some.

I too live in a Chicago suburb. May I ask which one you're in? Or at least if it's close-in like Oak Park or south like Tinley Park or far west like Wheaton?

I checked and see that Lincoln College of Technology is in Melrose Park. (I went to Concordia in River Forest and lived there near Thatcher Woods and later in Forest Park, so am familiar with Melrose Park a little bit.) What are you studying at Lincoln?

You can get counseling for a reduced rate. Are you in Cook or DuPage?

Jeramie
Nov 15, 2011, 02:59 PM
Yeah not too good on making paragraphs so I take the easy way out and just don't make them. I live in Melrose Park not too far from the school. I'm in the electronic systems technician program. Kind of just jumped into it not too happy with that decision and there isn't much I can do about it now. I only have 3 1/2 classes leftout of 12 months.

Wondergirl
Nov 15, 2011, 03:09 PM
Cook County should have all sorts of counseling options for you. You're near Oak Park. Have you checked in that suburb or even in Melrose?

Does Lincoln help with job hunting?

Jeramie
Nov 15, 2011, 03:19 PM
The place I used to do therapy at is here in Melrose. Problem is I had to leave because they told me the funding for my program is up and if I wanted to continue therapy I would have to start paying which is not an option for me right now considering my financial situation. Lincoln Tech does help with job placement when you complete your program.

Wondergirl
Nov 15, 2011, 03:20 PM
As for counseling, I just called Concordia (7400 Augusta, just west of Harlem). They have a counseling program, outreach to the community, affordable, sliding scale. I didn't get a chance to talk with someone about it (end of the day), and they will be in the office on Thursday, 708-771-8300 (main number, ask for counseling outreach to the community).

Dominican U. might have a similar program (Division east of Thatcher), but didn't call them yet.

This might be the perfect opportunity to get into a youth program and give area kids some help. I bet both schools have programs going for that too.

Jeramie
Nov 15, 2011, 03:32 PM
Wow you move fast. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you looking into all this stuff for me. I'm not really sure on what to say to them when I call them up. What kind of questions should I be asking?

Wondergirl
Nov 15, 2011, 03:50 PM
This is the fun part of my life -- connecting people with people and services that will help them. I'm a former teacher (the Concordia education), a librarian (the Dominican education) and a professional counselor (Benedictine U. education, Lisle).

Well, I want you to call Concordia (the counseling outreach thing) on Thursday. Just ask for that office and tell them what you need and ask them if they can help.

Tomorrow I will call Dominican to check on their counseling program, and if they have any for the community.

I used to do counseling for Catholic Charities and they used to have an office in Forest Park, but I think they closed it and are only in Chicago now.

***ADDED*** My younger son is named Jeremy...

Jeramie
Nov 15, 2011, 04:04 PM
Concordia on Thursday, got it. It is weird how this came together. I just wrote that yesterday not really expecting to see any solutions and here I find someone who is not only familiar with this area but has a son who's name is the same as mine. I'm feeling way better than I did yesterday.

Wondergirl
Nov 15, 2011, 04:30 PM
Stick around. You found a friend!

Ever get pizza from Jim & Pete's? Ever get Russell's BBQ, on Thatcher north of North? (I knew the guy who started that place.) Does Winston Park Plaza still exist? How's Al Piemonte?

Jeramie
Nov 16, 2011, 01:01 PM
I will

Wondergirl
Nov 16, 2011, 01:09 PM
I called Dominican U. this morning and talked with one of the heads of the social work program. He said they have no community outreach program, so I challenged him to start one. He wondered if you knew about Proviso Family Services in Melrose Park (or if that's the agency where your funding stopped). He suggested that for counseling. They are at:

1414 Main St
Melrose Park, IL 60160
(708) 681-2324

Jeramie
Nov 17, 2011, 01:02 PM
Yes actually that was the place the funding ran out for. Was that the place you wanted me to call today?

Wondergirl
Nov 17, 2011, 01:56 PM
Yes actually that was the place the funding ran out for. Was that the place you wanted me to call today?
You are supposed to call Concordia!

Jeramie
Nov 17, 2011, 02:37 PM
Ok I thought it was Dominican U not Concordia that I was supposed to call, but I will be around a phone in about 30 minutes so I can make the call.

Wondergirl
Nov 17, 2011, 02:40 PM
Dominican is closer to you (slightly), but they don't have any kind of counseling program. Concordia is the place to call, 708-771-8300, ask for the community outreach counseling office.