Jeramie
Nov 14, 2011, 03:40 PM
This is my first time actually expressing publicly my anger and depression problems. I am a 24 year old man and for the past, who knows how many years I have been on and off drugs (prescription painkillers & anxiety medicine) at times abusing both very heavily then quitting for a couple months and starting up all over again. I am off both drugs for over a year now but still haven't quit smoking weed.
It has been an every day thing for me since I was about 13 years old and it scares the hell out of me whenever I think about having to quit it just like that. I will make up excuses like well ill just do it up until this Saturday and then stop after that because I really need to because I will be finished with school soon and ready for job placement which will almost 100% require that I submit a drug screening. Of course when Saturday comes I smoke the entire day and wake up the next morning extremely angry because I have ran out and eventually sometime during the day end up getting my hands on some and continue smoking the entire week again until Saturday comes and I am doing the same process over again.
I know my constant smoking and unwillingness to quit stems from a lot of things that I have been over in therapy which I attended for almost a year straight at one point in time but seems like no matter how much I try, I cannot forgive myself or the others who have made me feel such regret, anger and hatred. So here is my life story in a nutshell so I don't just sound like some rambling angry old dude and but I can shed some light on what it is that makes me tick somewhat I guess.
I was raised mostly by my grandmother who did show me much love and affection however her daughter which was my mother was not the same. She was the same as me in that she smoked so much weed every day and swallowed so many pills per day that she was somewhat numb to the fact that she actually had children. I mean she was there but she wasn't there, if you can understand that.
My father is from mexico and was raised very strictly by a very strict man. In turn, the treatment he received as a child was the treatment I received as a child. His way of discipline was not to explain or hit but abuse. I mean I don't know how young I was but I can remember 1 time that was just too much was when he kicked my little brother through the hallway with his work boots on and my little brother was wearing diapers just to show you how young he was when this happened to him.
Needless to say, my mom spent all her time with her "friend" who was a corrupt police officer who worked at a nearby department. She was always with him, and my dad was always home alone with us. Im sure eventually he got sick of that and their divorce started. Me my bro and sis all went to live with my mom which was a huge mistake -- we should have moved in with my grandmother.
We hardly ever saw her [mom] and when we did see her she was so messed up every time it never failed. Her boyfriend got discharged from his station and had his badge taken away was never allowed to be a cop again because he hit my sister. My mom stayed with him, and my sister was the 1st to go stay with my dad, then following her was me with my brother last.
We moved back and forth from 1 home to another because one of my parents decided that drugs were more important and the other decided that women were more important. Eventually my grandmother died and everything went even more down the tubes. My mom started introducing the drugs to us and using with us, and my dad became the one who can care less about anything as long as his new wife was happy and the girls he cheated on her with were happy.
I met a girl impregnated her and moved in with her and her parents and dropped out of high school. I still don't know which idea would have been worse -- staying with my mom or moving in with them. I stopped using but fell into a huge whirlpool of depression because the type of family they ran was the one where they had to control my every move or I had to go.
I stayed with her throughout her grueling pregnancy and dealt with all the BS that came from her and her family. I soon lost the job that I found and was jobless and still education-less. I had to get out of her house because it started getting to the point where there had to be a fight in their house all day every day or they weren't happy. Never met such an angry family ever.
I called up the lady who my dad left my mom for because my father had left her for another lady and she was nice enough to let me stay there with her. The whole time there, I just got worse and worse with my weed smoking and selling and the arguments I had with my babies mother and family had grown so huge I actually started having really bad anxiety and started becoming very hyper.
I went to the doctor and he prescribed me anxiety medicine. HUGE MISTAKE. I overtook them so bad I woke up with them and went to sleep with them. Eventually the doctor stopped giving them to me, and there was the end of that for now.
The lady who I was staying with eventually got back with my father and let me and my sister stay in the apartment that we were staying in under 1 condition, that we get our acts together, get a job, and start paying her rent. I went from job to job at temp agencies. My sister left me with the apartment and it started getting hard for me to pay the rent. My friend came up with a solution I could get a part time job at the UPS he was working at and work another part time job at a gas station that he knew needed help, so I did.
I started popping prescription painkillers getting them from the street and paying ridiculously amounts of money for them and couldn't pay rent at all no more. My father and stepmother gave me a choice either somehow come up with rent for the next month or leave, so I left. I moved in with my friend and continued to take painkillers everyday.
I soon found out that my mother passed away from overdosing on painkillers and it seems not to have a big affect on me at all I continued to live the way I was. My roommate started using too much though and his drinking was worse than anything. It became such a nuisance and I decided I had to go. My babies mother was thinking the same thing and she needed to get out of her house because her family was too much for her to deal with, so we moved in together in hopes that we would work out together.
Soon after moving in with her, my ex-roommate and one of my best friends also passed away from overdosing on prescription painkillers. I continued to live the same way except my babies mother knew I was smoking weed but not taking pills. I eventually couldn't do what I was doing no more because sometimes I had the money to and sometimes I didn't that began to be too much for me so I told her.
She kicked me out of the apartment and made me sleep outside on the street for the night, then decided she wanted to help and not kick me out. It was the middle of winter time and I couldn't take the cold no more, so I went back with her. Her terms were that I quit my job because I was getting some of the pills from there and that I go get help from a facility.
For the next year, I spent it going to therapy and drug awareness classes, met a lot of sober people, and started trying to live life sober except for 1 thing -- I was sober from pills not weed. Funding for the program I was going to ran out and I had no insurance, so it was time for me to move on.
I enrolled in Lincoln College Of Technology, taking classes in the field of electronic systems. Relapsed half way through the program, sobered up from pills again, and went right back to school. Currently this is my situation, I am jobless and seeking a job, am living with a person that we can't stand each other, haven't talked to my father or sister, talk to my brother every once in a while, and no more friends (that aren't using).
I wake up everyday depressed and with no energy but also angry sometimes with super amounts of energy. I have given into life and just do whatever comes along the way without question, but don't like it, don't like the girl I'm with and she don't like me, hate my life, my degree of training I chose, have no one to talk to, and wish I die every day, but just without the balls to actually kill myself.
This is my last resort -- I am reaching out hoping someone reaches back and that's all that I can do.
It has been an every day thing for me since I was about 13 years old and it scares the hell out of me whenever I think about having to quit it just like that. I will make up excuses like well ill just do it up until this Saturday and then stop after that because I really need to because I will be finished with school soon and ready for job placement which will almost 100% require that I submit a drug screening. Of course when Saturday comes I smoke the entire day and wake up the next morning extremely angry because I have ran out and eventually sometime during the day end up getting my hands on some and continue smoking the entire week again until Saturday comes and I am doing the same process over again.
I know my constant smoking and unwillingness to quit stems from a lot of things that I have been over in therapy which I attended for almost a year straight at one point in time but seems like no matter how much I try, I cannot forgive myself or the others who have made me feel such regret, anger and hatred. So here is my life story in a nutshell so I don't just sound like some rambling angry old dude and but I can shed some light on what it is that makes me tick somewhat I guess.
I was raised mostly by my grandmother who did show me much love and affection however her daughter which was my mother was not the same. She was the same as me in that she smoked so much weed every day and swallowed so many pills per day that she was somewhat numb to the fact that she actually had children. I mean she was there but she wasn't there, if you can understand that.
My father is from mexico and was raised very strictly by a very strict man. In turn, the treatment he received as a child was the treatment I received as a child. His way of discipline was not to explain or hit but abuse. I mean I don't know how young I was but I can remember 1 time that was just too much was when he kicked my little brother through the hallway with his work boots on and my little brother was wearing diapers just to show you how young he was when this happened to him.
Needless to say, my mom spent all her time with her "friend" who was a corrupt police officer who worked at a nearby department. She was always with him, and my dad was always home alone with us. Im sure eventually he got sick of that and their divorce started. Me my bro and sis all went to live with my mom which was a huge mistake -- we should have moved in with my grandmother.
We hardly ever saw her [mom] and when we did see her she was so messed up every time it never failed. Her boyfriend got discharged from his station and had his badge taken away was never allowed to be a cop again because he hit my sister. My mom stayed with him, and my sister was the 1st to go stay with my dad, then following her was me with my brother last.
We moved back and forth from 1 home to another because one of my parents decided that drugs were more important and the other decided that women were more important. Eventually my grandmother died and everything went even more down the tubes. My mom started introducing the drugs to us and using with us, and my dad became the one who can care less about anything as long as his new wife was happy and the girls he cheated on her with were happy.
I met a girl impregnated her and moved in with her and her parents and dropped out of high school. I still don't know which idea would have been worse -- staying with my mom or moving in with them. I stopped using but fell into a huge whirlpool of depression because the type of family they ran was the one where they had to control my every move or I had to go.
I stayed with her throughout her grueling pregnancy and dealt with all the BS that came from her and her family. I soon lost the job that I found and was jobless and still education-less. I had to get out of her house because it started getting to the point where there had to be a fight in their house all day every day or they weren't happy. Never met such an angry family ever.
I called up the lady who my dad left my mom for because my father had left her for another lady and she was nice enough to let me stay there with her. The whole time there, I just got worse and worse with my weed smoking and selling and the arguments I had with my babies mother and family had grown so huge I actually started having really bad anxiety and started becoming very hyper.
I went to the doctor and he prescribed me anxiety medicine. HUGE MISTAKE. I overtook them so bad I woke up with them and went to sleep with them. Eventually the doctor stopped giving them to me, and there was the end of that for now.
The lady who I was staying with eventually got back with my father and let me and my sister stay in the apartment that we were staying in under 1 condition, that we get our acts together, get a job, and start paying her rent. I went from job to job at temp agencies. My sister left me with the apartment and it started getting hard for me to pay the rent. My friend came up with a solution I could get a part time job at the UPS he was working at and work another part time job at a gas station that he knew needed help, so I did.
I started popping prescription painkillers getting them from the street and paying ridiculously amounts of money for them and couldn't pay rent at all no more. My father and stepmother gave me a choice either somehow come up with rent for the next month or leave, so I left. I moved in with my friend and continued to take painkillers everyday.
I soon found out that my mother passed away from overdosing on painkillers and it seems not to have a big affect on me at all I continued to live the way I was. My roommate started using too much though and his drinking was worse than anything. It became such a nuisance and I decided I had to go. My babies mother was thinking the same thing and she needed to get out of her house because her family was too much for her to deal with, so we moved in together in hopes that we would work out together.
Soon after moving in with her, my ex-roommate and one of my best friends also passed away from overdosing on prescription painkillers. I continued to live the same way except my babies mother knew I was smoking weed but not taking pills. I eventually couldn't do what I was doing no more because sometimes I had the money to and sometimes I didn't that began to be too much for me so I told her.
She kicked me out of the apartment and made me sleep outside on the street for the night, then decided she wanted to help and not kick me out. It was the middle of winter time and I couldn't take the cold no more, so I went back with her. Her terms were that I quit my job because I was getting some of the pills from there and that I go get help from a facility.
For the next year, I spent it going to therapy and drug awareness classes, met a lot of sober people, and started trying to live life sober except for 1 thing -- I was sober from pills not weed. Funding for the program I was going to ran out and I had no insurance, so it was time for me to move on.
I enrolled in Lincoln College Of Technology, taking classes in the field of electronic systems. Relapsed half way through the program, sobered up from pills again, and went right back to school. Currently this is my situation, I am jobless and seeking a job, am living with a person that we can't stand each other, haven't talked to my father or sister, talk to my brother every once in a while, and no more friends (that aren't using).
I wake up everyday depressed and with no energy but also angry sometimes with super amounts of energy. I have given into life and just do whatever comes along the way without question, but don't like it, don't like the girl I'm with and she don't like me, hate my life, my degree of training I chose, have no one to talk to, and wish I die every day, but just without the balls to actually kill myself.
This is my last resort -- I am reaching out hoping someone reaches back and that's all that I can do.