I've been seeing a guy for a year and a half and we are very much in love, we got engaged recently and I moved in about three months ago. We get on very well and are very happy but there is a fly in the ointment - his ex wife.

They divorced six years ago - he left her for someone else, the relationship didn't last but they have been good friends since then. They have a son together and have stayed friends since the split, which is good and I see that as positive. My boyfriend told her about me about 8 months ago and since then it has been like a war of attrition. He did warn me it would be dreadful and he was dreading telling her. She hasn't disappointed - she has been dreadful, constantly complaining that he has no time for her any more and he has become a bad friend, she uses emotional blackmail against him and guilt trips, nasty texts and phone calls when she knows we are together and she actively competes with me for his time and attention. She insists that they do social activities regularly, just the two of them, or she gets very nasty with him. In the last eight months he has been on two or three overnight social trips with her (staying in the same hotel room) and accompanied her as her "plus one" to weddings, christenings and family parties.

He has had evenings out for meals and drinks and been to a few parties with her too. She texts him constantly and they talk on the phone every day at least once, often more so. Obviously since I have moved in I have raised my concerns over what I see as an inappropriately involved relationship, and he has reacted by trying to gently stop the majority of these activities and be more firm with her over her constant texting and demanding (and sometimes rather nasty) behavior.

She has not reacted to this well, she has involved their son in the manipulation to try and get him to spend time with her and this culminated in a recent very big argument where he very firmly told her that he was not going to play these games any more. Since then she has been super nice to him at all times and to me. My own hunch was that she is trying a new tactic to get to spend time with him. Sure enough after a week of sweet behavior she has invited him to take her to a concert (not including me), going away again overnight and he has said yes, as "she has been so good - he doesn't want to rock the boat".

I swallowed that and thought OK fair enough, but tonight she has invited him out for lunch next week (not including me) to discuss Christmas arrangements with their son, this is already arranged so I see no need for it, and I am a little hurt to have been excluded from her invitation again, but again he has said yes, he says because she is toeing the line these days and he doesn't want the nastiness to start again. I feel that my hunch is right and she is doing a charm offensive to get to spend time with him, just the two of them - my b/f says give her a break she's trying.

He is worried about his son being dragged into her behavior and having seen this at first hand I do understand. However, I just feel very uneasy about him spending time alone with her at social events like that. I don't feel threatened by her sexually at all so its not that, and I do think its positive to stay friends - but what are the acceptable boundaries in these cases? Am I justified in feeling that this insistence on doing social things just the two of them is weird?(it's all initiated by her to be fair to him). It makes me feel very jealous and uncomfortable. I don't have a problem at all with them being friends and having a good relationship for the sake of the son, but I don't think its appropriate to do these social things together with me excluded. Am I right or wrong?

Fair warning, this is but a preview of things to come, so I hope you pay attention, and draw your own boundaries of good behavior, instead of going along with theirs.

She is the priority here, and little understanding you, are the option. A future with more of this kind of treatment? NOT ME!

I agree... You are going to have to propose the ultimatum, either he is with you and a father of a child, or a husband to her and a boyfriend to you. You are going to have to make him make a choice, and stand by your word or you will get stepped over even harder. Make him respect you!

"he left her for someone else,"

Was that you? Or you were the next one.
Sorry, just jotting notes down...

You got into this. Why? You knew that deal.
"here is a fly in the ointment - his ex wife"

Do you always want to be the other girl?
That's what you need to decide, or should have.

Doesn't sound like you are #1. Or going to be.
Until he gets his priorities straight.

And yours, for getting into this.

Do you want to do this forever? Be that girl? Deal w/his crap.

Hi, thanks to you all. I had a long chat with him last night and I have told him that if he carries on doing this kind of actvity then I am going to do the same. I feel I can't control him or her, and I'm just not the type to tell people what they should and shouldn't do, but I can control myself and my own life. If that means me going off doing my own thing more then so be it. I've got too dependent on him and I need to strike out a bit on my own.

I also realise that I have been quite weak over standing my ground and too understanding and I have told him that from now on if I'm not happy about something I will say no that's not acceptable. In the past I have felt very uncomfortable about saying no, and always said yes that's fine, but in the future I will make my feelings clear openly and honestly. It's up to him then if he does it or not and if he does I'll just make sure I'm out having a good time that day/night too. We had quite a heated discussion over this and he said he is not going to let her come between us so we'll see how this siituation progresses.

He didn't leave her for me, but for someone else six years ago but I think what has happened is that she hasn't moved on and that over the years they have slipped back into a kind of mutually dependent relationship so its almost like he is dumping her all over again, that is how she sees it and him too to a certain extent. She sees herself as his partner and to me (and I told him this) he is giving her the message that he is her partner too. I am 100% certain there is no sexual or romantic intention or interest on his part, in her case, well even his own sister told him that this woman is completely in love with him but he still says that this is not true, they are just very close friends. Whatever is true, there is certainly an emotional intimacy between them that is acted out on every day and I have told him now that I find this too challenging and threatening to let this go on. I'll keep you posted about what happens and thanks again for your advice :)