ShadowCat27
Nov 12, 2011, 08:22 PM
Right I know writing this may not help my mental state, but I'd really like to hear some non-biased opinions. Just to let you know I've told my boyfriend most of what will be in the following post and he's been very sweet saying he doesn't think I'm making things up and that he agrees his friend can be a bit odd. But what I really need help with is dealing with her and the way the very mention of her makes me feel when I do not believe in forbidding him to speak to her just because of me being over-sensitive.
So I'll try to start at the beginning:
I started going out with my boyfriend in June this year and after coming out of a somewhat abusive relationship I have never been happier. He is the sweetest thing in the world, my parents loved him, everyone says we're amazing together I really think he might be 'the one' but of course I know it's early days and after kidding myself about a terrible relationship for two years I don't trust my feelings at all. The point is I trust him to the ends of the earth, I do not think he would ever cheat on me because he really is not the type of person to do so (he's way too shy heck he was a virgin until 27!)
Now there's one of the first issues, the age gap. I'm 19 and he's now 28. He's my boss at the video game shop where I work. I know it sounds dodgy, but it couldn't be further from the steamy affair that such details ascribe to. The only conflict it causes is in my head. He isn't shy about wanting children and he jokes about it sometimes. Of course this makes me insecure because I just started Uni and obviously want to be earning a decent sum before I have children (also I was thinking of having kids in my early 30s). I feel it would be unfair to make him wait so long when there are other women more readily available to give him what he wants with an income and a career.
One such woman is Emily, she went to Cambridge, she's in her final year studying as a Lawyer, she's a tennis pro, bubbly, out-going and 26 (I think all I have on her is being skinny and playing video-games!) Talking in facts she seems perfect for him. What's worse is that I know he had a crush on her, quite a big one, despite her being his best friend's girlfriend.
To begin with it didn't affect me, it was in the past. I cottoned on fairly quickly he liked her; on our first date he mentioned her (in fact I sometimes think perversely that if he hadn't told me about her abusive ex I would have never broken it off with mine), there was also the occasional 10pm phone call which hinted at it, but this happened only twice when I was going out with him and lasted only a few minutes with his attention turning back towards me quickly. I was content. We are all allowed to have a past after all and I didn't begrudge him that.
So when did it start to go wrong? Her birthday party, the end of September. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and mine was invited to her party. He insisted I go so once again I was not phased despite having only a day earlier found the box for a retro pink games-console which I had told him at work that I wanted about three months before we were going out. (He told me he'd bought it for her and simply given her the console though she doesn't play games (I assume to bring her into his world a little). I remember at the time thinking how strange it was that he was so adamant about not letting me have it, despite its being pink, but it makes sense now. It is only because he hinted only a week later about getting me a green one that it irks me). This revelation had set me on edge a little, I had finally confronted him about it, but still was not bothered I just teased him saying it was sweet.
Skipping to the party: my back was put up as soon as we entered the door. He spotted her and said hi, she jumped at him for a hug saying how happy she was that he had come and blanked me. I followed them to the back of the club where her table was and for at least ten minutes she said nothing to me. She even grabbed him alone for a picture and then I suppose finally figured she was being rude because she gestured for me to come join in. That finally broke the ice and we got chatting. I really thought we bonded over our exes and eased up, she seemed perfectly nice. There was the odd comment about my boyfriend, about how she would have probably gone out with him if she wasn't with his friend and her parents loved him, but it kind of just made me feel better that I had him. Plus another girl also said how sweet he was so I didn't feel like it was just her saying these things. It was a great night and really enjoyed it. The next day when she rang my boyfriend to thank him for coming and say we should meet up again I was all for it. I even added her on Facebook because it was so nice to finally talk with someone who had just gotten out of a relationship like the one I had.
That's when things started to go downhill. Somehow the task of retrieving her things from her ex befell my boyfriend. This meant that she had a good excuse to contact both my boyfriend and I every day. It actually ended up being mostly me as a) my boyfriend's phone was on the blink and b) he didn't seem to want to talk to her anyway. We were spending a lot of time together and he wasn't interested in replying when she texted which was nice for me.
So I got her messages, and with them some things which once again put me on edge. We would talk like normal and then she would slip something in "x and I have done so much for each other". Then she starts messaging me only to check if my boyfriend is ignoring her which he is a little bit, but I just tell her his phone is broken.
After this conversation goes on to this amazing date she has up in Liverpool. He's some lovely guy she's been chatting to on Facebook for the past 2 months who is taking her to a swanky restaurant and he runs marathons so he's "sexy fit". Now I could have taken this out of context, she was probably just a girl excited about her date, but to me there was something competitive about it. She didn't want to hear what I had to say only talk about how awesome her date was especially in the aspects my boyfriend lacks (being fit and healthy, he's put on a stone or so since I met him and I'm conscious of it). Whenever I mentioned my boyfriend she simply didn't acknowledge it. Then she only mentions him to say she thinks he's ignoring her or to tell me something about their time together like 'oh he sent me roses once', though she failed to mention it was on Valentine's Day (which I asked my boyfriend about later. He says it was a joke, but that type of thing rarely is seen as a joke so I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. However it was in the past so I didn't dwell on it).
Finally, as the urge to go through his phone and emails rises, I confront my boyfriend about how I feel. I told him quite simply that I was probably being stupid, but aspects of their current relationship were affecting me badly. I was not cool with some of the things she'd said or that she still messaged him at midnight saying "I'm crying I need you" (even if it was about her ex). During this conversation she messages him saying just that and he, like a gentleman, after offering some advice says that he's skyping me and he'll talk to her tomorrow. They don't speak after this and she doesn't message me for two weeks either. I could finally stop stressing and I began to forget about her.
Then a week ago she messages me saying she's mad at my boyfriend and hadn't spoken to him because he made her feel bad (of course I'm not meant to know the last time they spoke was that conversation) so I feel some kind of subliminal dig at me there since I'm the reason he made her feel bad because before when I wasn't there he would have talked to her not just because he liked her, but because he's a lovely person who has trouble saying no to helping anyone.
She diverts the conversation when I apologise for him and say he's busy and that work is understaffed (which is not a lie). We start talking about drinking and she puts me down for managing to get drunk off one beer, not because I'm a lightweight, but because I get drunk at all. She groups herself with my boyfriend saying that they would always be designated drivers (according to my boyfriend this was not true on her part). Then anything I say is contrasted by her. I need my family and that's why I commute to Uni, she's independent. I'm a silly first year who doesn't get how things work she's in her last year of post-grad. Obviously this is the subtext I'm reading. Then I say how I'm failing to excersise and she mentions she's running 30k a week. Now it could be in my head she's trying to prove she's better than me, but at the time it was what it felt like.
She logged off soon after that and whilst I haven't spoken to her it wound me up. Partly because I spent days agonising over whether to tell my boyfriend what she had said. I knew that was what she wanted me to do so he would message her and I wasn't sure that I wanted him to message her. But it nagged at me until I had to say something to him and then by accident let a lot of the pent up feelings about her slip out too making me look bad I'm sure. It didn't help that evening I found out he had gone to see Love Never Dies with her and her parents (!) the exact show I had wanted to take him to and only about a month before he began to flirt with me at work. It suddenly seemed kind of close. I realised he must have jumped from crushing on her to me and it made me anxious.
Finally a few days ago I told him once again how I was feeling (this time it took me a while because my sister advised me that sometimes men just don't get it and there were things women had to keep to themselves - perhaps silly advice), that it felt like she was playing games and as I said at the beginning of this mammoth post he seemed to agree she could do some weird things. He told me he no longer cared about her like that and I believe him, but why does it still bother me? I checked her Facebook and scrolled back through her history to 2009 yesturday in some weird act of desperation. I don't know why now it's masochistic at best.
This is getting to me for some reason though. I will think about it randomly, it just strikes me. I haven't been able to eat properly even when I'm not thinking about it and now eating and thinking about her has formed some stupid psychological link in my brain so when I try to eat I'm reminded of her. But I don't want to restrict my boyfriend because he still has every right to have her as a friend. The only reason I worry at all is because he has never told me exactly how their relationship worked, but why should he? And that could be to protect me just as much as out of some weird need to keep a secret. I just always wondered why when I first asked him when they had a late night phone call if he had had a crush on her, why he didn't tell me the truth.
I know it's probably my own insecurities projecting themselves onto something else. She has a lot of the things I don't. She can sing beautifully, she's even recorded and shared some tracks on the internet. My boyfriend values singing highly and I know he's listened to them (part of me even thinks one of the songs is about him even though I know that must be paranoia talking - every love song is about the person you love). I on the other hand can't sing. I feel inferior next to her Cambridge degree and sportsmanship and outgoing personality and perhaps that is all this is about.
And lastly, jealousy aside, I am angry at the way she treated him. As I said before he's a sweetheart who will do anything to help his friends and she used him to fill the holes in her relationship with her shoddy ex. I jumped straight for him when we first admitted we had feelings for each other. In comparison she strung him along, there to be her psychiatrist and second boyfriend. She played with his emotions and has the gall to say they helped each other. If, like she says, he's so lovely and perfect then why didn't she just go out with him? Not use him when her boyfriend abandoned her. It kind of feels like he was her back up and now she's finally split up with her ex she wants to use him only he's taken so now she just wants me to know he was her back up just to rub it in.
Anyway I don't know just some advice, some kind words would be nice. If anything writing everything down in this way will hopefully have been cathartic. Maybe with all my feelings in one place I can get it out of my system. But it would be nice to know I'm not alone in this feeling. I don't know whether to blame her or myself and I never want to use the line "it's because I love you I'm jealous" on my boyfriend; that's why my ex did to me and I think it's rubbish. I'd like to find some way to put these feelings away and perhaps even be friends with her like I thought we would - or at the very least not let her name make me shiver.
So I'll try to start at the beginning:
I started going out with my boyfriend in June this year and after coming out of a somewhat abusive relationship I have never been happier. He is the sweetest thing in the world, my parents loved him, everyone says we're amazing together I really think he might be 'the one' but of course I know it's early days and after kidding myself about a terrible relationship for two years I don't trust my feelings at all. The point is I trust him to the ends of the earth, I do not think he would ever cheat on me because he really is not the type of person to do so (he's way too shy heck he was a virgin until 27!)
Now there's one of the first issues, the age gap. I'm 19 and he's now 28. He's my boss at the video game shop where I work. I know it sounds dodgy, but it couldn't be further from the steamy affair that such details ascribe to. The only conflict it causes is in my head. He isn't shy about wanting children and he jokes about it sometimes. Of course this makes me insecure because I just started Uni and obviously want to be earning a decent sum before I have children (also I was thinking of having kids in my early 30s). I feel it would be unfair to make him wait so long when there are other women more readily available to give him what he wants with an income and a career.
One such woman is Emily, she went to Cambridge, she's in her final year studying as a Lawyer, she's a tennis pro, bubbly, out-going and 26 (I think all I have on her is being skinny and playing video-games!) Talking in facts she seems perfect for him. What's worse is that I know he had a crush on her, quite a big one, despite her being his best friend's girlfriend.
To begin with it didn't affect me, it was in the past. I cottoned on fairly quickly he liked her; on our first date he mentioned her (in fact I sometimes think perversely that if he hadn't told me about her abusive ex I would have never broken it off with mine), there was also the occasional 10pm phone call which hinted at it, but this happened only twice when I was going out with him and lasted only a few minutes with his attention turning back towards me quickly. I was content. We are all allowed to have a past after all and I didn't begrudge him that.
So when did it start to go wrong? Her birthday party, the end of September. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and mine was invited to her party. He insisted I go so once again I was not phased despite having only a day earlier found the box for a retro pink games-console which I had told him at work that I wanted about three months before we were going out. (He told me he'd bought it for her and simply given her the console though she doesn't play games (I assume to bring her into his world a little). I remember at the time thinking how strange it was that he was so adamant about not letting me have it, despite its being pink, but it makes sense now. It is only because he hinted only a week later about getting me a green one that it irks me). This revelation had set me on edge a little, I had finally confronted him about it, but still was not bothered I just teased him saying it was sweet.
Skipping to the party: my back was put up as soon as we entered the door. He spotted her and said hi, she jumped at him for a hug saying how happy she was that he had come and blanked me. I followed them to the back of the club where her table was and for at least ten minutes she said nothing to me. She even grabbed him alone for a picture and then I suppose finally figured she was being rude because she gestured for me to come join in. That finally broke the ice and we got chatting. I really thought we bonded over our exes and eased up, she seemed perfectly nice. There was the odd comment about my boyfriend, about how she would have probably gone out with him if she wasn't with his friend and her parents loved him, but it kind of just made me feel better that I had him. Plus another girl also said how sweet he was so I didn't feel like it was just her saying these things. It was a great night and really enjoyed it. The next day when she rang my boyfriend to thank him for coming and say we should meet up again I was all for it. I even added her on Facebook because it was so nice to finally talk with someone who had just gotten out of a relationship like the one I had.
That's when things started to go downhill. Somehow the task of retrieving her things from her ex befell my boyfriend. This meant that she had a good excuse to contact both my boyfriend and I every day. It actually ended up being mostly me as a) my boyfriend's phone was on the blink and b) he didn't seem to want to talk to her anyway. We were spending a lot of time together and he wasn't interested in replying when she texted which was nice for me.
So I got her messages, and with them some things which once again put me on edge. We would talk like normal and then she would slip something in "x and I have done so much for each other". Then she starts messaging me only to check if my boyfriend is ignoring her which he is a little bit, but I just tell her his phone is broken.
After this conversation goes on to this amazing date she has up in Liverpool. He's some lovely guy she's been chatting to on Facebook for the past 2 months who is taking her to a swanky restaurant and he runs marathons so he's "sexy fit". Now I could have taken this out of context, she was probably just a girl excited about her date, but to me there was something competitive about it. She didn't want to hear what I had to say only talk about how awesome her date was especially in the aspects my boyfriend lacks (being fit and healthy, he's put on a stone or so since I met him and I'm conscious of it). Whenever I mentioned my boyfriend she simply didn't acknowledge it. Then she only mentions him to say she thinks he's ignoring her or to tell me something about their time together like 'oh he sent me roses once', though she failed to mention it was on Valentine's Day (which I asked my boyfriend about later. He says it was a joke, but that type of thing rarely is seen as a joke so I wasn't quite sure what to make of it. However it was in the past so I didn't dwell on it).
Finally, as the urge to go through his phone and emails rises, I confront my boyfriend about how I feel. I told him quite simply that I was probably being stupid, but aspects of their current relationship were affecting me badly. I was not cool with some of the things she'd said or that she still messaged him at midnight saying "I'm crying I need you" (even if it was about her ex). During this conversation she messages him saying just that and he, like a gentleman, after offering some advice says that he's skyping me and he'll talk to her tomorrow. They don't speak after this and she doesn't message me for two weeks either. I could finally stop stressing and I began to forget about her.
Then a week ago she messages me saying she's mad at my boyfriend and hadn't spoken to him because he made her feel bad (of course I'm not meant to know the last time they spoke was that conversation) so I feel some kind of subliminal dig at me there since I'm the reason he made her feel bad because before when I wasn't there he would have talked to her not just because he liked her, but because he's a lovely person who has trouble saying no to helping anyone.
She diverts the conversation when I apologise for him and say he's busy and that work is understaffed (which is not a lie). We start talking about drinking and she puts me down for managing to get drunk off one beer, not because I'm a lightweight, but because I get drunk at all. She groups herself with my boyfriend saying that they would always be designated drivers (according to my boyfriend this was not true on her part). Then anything I say is contrasted by her. I need my family and that's why I commute to Uni, she's independent. I'm a silly first year who doesn't get how things work she's in her last year of post-grad. Obviously this is the subtext I'm reading. Then I say how I'm failing to excersise and she mentions she's running 30k a week. Now it could be in my head she's trying to prove she's better than me, but at the time it was what it felt like.
She logged off soon after that and whilst I haven't spoken to her it wound me up. Partly because I spent days agonising over whether to tell my boyfriend what she had said. I knew that was what she wanted me to do so he would message her and I wasn't sure that I wanted him to message her. But it nagged at me until I had to say something to him and then by accident let a lot of the pent up feelings about her slip out too making me look bad I'm sure. It didn't help that evening I found out he had gone to see Love Never Dies with her and her parents (!) the exact show I had wanted to take him to and only about a month before he began to flirt with me at work. It suddenly seemed kind of close. I realised he must have jumped from crushing on her to me and it made me anxious.
Finally a few days ago I told him once again how I was feeling (this time it took me a while because my sister advised me that sometimes men just don't get it and there were things women had to keep to themselves - perhaps silly advice), that it felt like she was playing games and as I said at the beginning of this mammoth post he seemed to agree she could do some weird things. He told me he no longer cared about her like that and I believe him, but why does it still bother me? I checked her Facebook and scrolled back through her history to 2009 yesturday in some weird act of desperation. I don't know why now it's masochistic at best.
This is getting to me for some reason though. I will think about it randomly, it just strikes me. I haven't been able to eat properly even when I'm not thinking about it and now eating and thinking about her has formed some stupid psychological link in my brain so when I try to eat I'm reminded of her. But I don't want to restrict my boyfriend because he still has every right to have her as a friend. The only reason I worry at all is because he has never told me exactly how their relationship worked, but why should he? And that could be to protect me just as much as out of some weird need to keep a secret. I just always wondered why when I first asked him when they had a late night phone call if he had had a crush on her, why he didn't tell me the truth.
I know it's probably my own insecurities projecting themselves onto something else. She has a lot of the things I don't. She can sing beautifully, she's even recorded and shared some tracks on the internet. My boyfriend values singing highly and I know he's listened to them (part of me even thinks one of the songs is about him even though I know that must be paranoia talking - every love song is about the person you love). I on the other hand can't sing. I feel inferior next to her Cambridge degree and sportsmanship and outgoing personality and perhaps that is all this is about.
And lastly, jealousy aside, I am angry at the way she treated him. As I said before he's a sweetheart who will do anything to help his friends and she used him to fill the holes in her relationship with her shoddy ex. I jumped straight for him when we first admitted we had feelings for each other. In comparison she strung him along, there to be her psychiatrist and second boyfriend. She played with his emotions and has the gall to say they helped each other. If, like she says, he's so lovely and perfect then why didn't she just go out with him? Not use him when her boyfriend abandoned her. It kind of feels like he was her back up and now she's finally split up with her ex she wants to use him only he's taken so now she just wants me to know he was her back up just to rub it in.
Anyway I don't know just some advice, some kind words would be nice. If anything writing everything down in this way will hopefully have been cathartic. Maybe with all my feelings in one place I can get it out of my system. But it would be nice to know I'm not alone in this feeling. I don't know whether to blame her or myself and I never want to use the line "it's because I love you I'm jealous" on my boyfriend; that's why my ex did to me and I think it's rubbish. I'd like to find some way to put these feelings away and perhaps even be friends with her like I thought we would - or at the very least not let her name make me shiver.