I don't even know where to begin. I feel like jumping right into the problem so I can spare your eyes from all the reading but I have so much to say and I don't want to leave out important details. Sorry in advance.

Background story(list): I met her in high school, I was 18 she was 16, quickly became friends(note: I did not have feelings for her at this moment), spent the entire summer talking with each other and before I knew it she is the closest friend I've ever had and I am the closest friend she has, made promises to her, I knew everything about her even her sexual experiences, I got to know her family: sister(says Im a huge part of her life now) cousins(good friends of mine now even went to their lake house for a weekend) uncles and aunts.

So last September she starts dating this guy Tyler and I think this was when my feelings for her started to begin. It felt like I was losing her and I had to settle for only a piece of her. They go out for a month and he breaks up with her over text because he "doesn't feel the same way about her anymore." She was crushed and after a couple of weeks she seemed fine, but back then I failed to realize she was hurt and she was just being strong for everyone. Still haven't told her about my feelings for her though. Then November comes along, she meets and dates Bryan. Again I fail to notice, this was a rebound. In my head I'm thinking that I'm going to lose her forever and I text her and told her that I didn't want to lose her. She tells me that Bryan and her won't last forever( I should've asked why she's in a relationship with him then but I didn't) and I kept saying I was going to loser her anyway then she said "How about we end up together in the end." I didn't know what to say so I just said that's never going to happen. We have this thing of being able to go back to being best friends no matter what happens, so the day after that conversation everything was normal, but she still wasn't mine. A month later she finds out Bryan cheated on her and dumps him. After this is where her and I started building up.

In the month of December we got flirty and sexual with our talks. I would call her baby and I was her guy; things seem to look good the way they were going. I started talking to her about a relationship, she said her parents didn't want her dating because she dated those two(I know, I'm a dummy), I believed it and said we'll date when she's in college. She said it was a good idea. Anyway we planned to watch a movie at her house with her cousins there and we also planned to mess around. Messing around didn't happen and she seemed sad, I asked her what was wrong but she told me after I left the house. Tyler had texted her. She said she still has strong feelings for him unlike for me; she didn't have the same feelings for me, she has been "living a lie" with me.

I know it's long sorry for whoever is reading but think of it as a tragic Shakespeare story that you're hooked on haha...

Week later, she says maybe she was wrong and then later says she didn't want me at first, then she did and now she doesn't again, after all that drama, holy crap, we still managed to be best friends, and messed around with her(1st). Remained best friends, talks were sometimes flirty and sexual. It was almost like one of those on & off relationships except this was a flirtationship( more than friends less than a relationship) this went on for months. Our fights also increased from nothing to a lot. During the summer of this year while I was talking to her on the phone late at night, she hears another girl laugh near me. Little did she know that was my cousin. She ends up getting mad at me because I hung up on her to go talk with the girl that laughed. She told me she felt weird about it(I'm guessing jealousy). Anyway we go on for not talking for a couple of weeks which is unusual for us. Then during her summer trip we started talking again, flirty and very sexual. The day after she comes back from her trip we hangout at her cousin's house and mess around(2nd). Next day we go to a lake with her cousins and have a good day. She has never hung out with me like that even though we are close friends. Couple of days later I go on her cousin's facebook(I knew it was wrong) and chatted her asking if she was going to hangout with me, I did it because whenever I wanted to hangout with her she would say "I got to see if I'm busy" or "idk" something related to that, but when I asked as her cousin she said she would tell all the free time she had. So she found out I was on her cousin's because she loves going through her cousin's phone(actually everybody's phone) and read about what I did. She didn't tell me right away but she stopped being playful with me. We stopped talking for a while then later she asked me about it and I lied... after that I said I'd leave her alone for good(not the 1st time) and she wanted me to stay(not the 1st time she asked me to stay). Later on I ask her if she like this guy(Brian) she danced with at a party she said yes. I start avoiding her she texts me telling me to stop acting weird because she doen't like Brian anymore, she only liked the fact that she had fun with him and also he was a year younger than her so he was more immature. I thought it was BS and asked does he like another girl, she said she already told me the reasons she didn't like him. Couple days later, a talk about feelings came up and she told me she had feelings for me( first time she has said that) but doesn't like me enough to date. I start avoiding her. Weeks later we talk, and a talk about feelings come up again. I asked her if her having feelings for me but not liking me was BS and she said "Omg! Its the truth, well it was. Feelings are gone" I said "I never knew you could let go of feelings for someone who cared about you" and she said "Not fully no, that's impossible;" and she doesn't think we'll ever be together, we're too close of friends but that doesn't mean we can't be close anymore. She also said it would bother her if I mess around with someone else because I told her I care about her so much.


Couple of days later I tell her I can't do this anymore, she'll be fine if I left yada yada yada... she say's "You're so sure that I'll be ok. I don't want to talk about it, you make a decision and let me know it." I didn't reply and didn't talk to her for a month. I texted her yesterday(I think because I got curious about what she was doing, if she was seeing someone, and mostly because I missed her) and talked on the phone with her(I had a great time... ) and we were being best friends... again

I'm so confused on what to do here! A part of me wants to stay the other wants to go. I don't want to lose the closest friend I have, but if I stay I don't want to see the next guy she is going to be with or think about the stuff they are doing. I know I want to be with her; my feelings for her aren't as strong as they use to be but they are still there. I'm losing someone important if I leave. Can someone please help me?

(Also it seems everything was up to her, she decides when to mess around or hangout.)

Sounds like she just flirty.

You may want her, but things don't always go as we want.
Let her do her thing. You do yours.

Unless you like being frustrated.

Here's what I know. When a girl doesn't want you, split. Say goodbye.
The friend days are over. Plus she was never your girl to begin with.

Hard yes. The end of the world. No.

Go have fun, this is now in your past.

You have good friends right?

What ever happened to dating when she gets to college?

Until then you are just her optional emotional tampon, she can use as needed. That's because you are way to available because you are blinded by what you want.

Doubt you get what YOU want from her. By the way between best friend, and a relationship is LIMBO. You seem to like it since you allow it.

Stop chasing this friend trying to get romance. Have some fun with females your own age, as only pets are as loyal as you are. You will get a headache from running into this brick wall over, and over.

All I have 2 say is sit back, and relax.god got it all under control.:(())

I never realized I had any responses till I accidentally ran into this site. Thank you guys for taking the time to read and respond! Oh yea I figured out I was a faithful little dog at her side and that's not what I wanted to be with her. It was hard leaving because she was still a close friend but I know I had to, however I'm still hurting, I guess I really had a strong emotionally connect to her("love?"). I was tired being played around with and I'm sure she was messing with other guys. Everyone is saying it'll take time to heal and till she's fully out of your head, but I hate it when people say that lol. I just want it to be over with quick, I've never cared about a person this much and it hurts knowing that she doesn't want me to like her.

Well if anyone has any recovery tips you're more than welcome to share. What I have problems with are the thoughts. I want to one day be able to look at her and not feel anything.

I doubt that happens any time soon, but what healing and time will bring are better coping skills, and you will not be in so much pain from disappointment.

Thanks for updating us, and don't worry, as you replace old feelings with new ones, it will get better so enjoy what you are doing, where you are at.

Read the stickies here (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/) for some good ideas, insights, and coping strategies that others have successfully used, because this is something we all go through at some time or another. Some go through it many times, but we survive, and thrive.

Thank you for taking the time to read and answer, it's good to know there are people out there willing to help out.

I have this urge to contact a close friend again. I left because I loved her and the feelings weren't reciprocated, so I didn't want to stay and watch her be with other guys, etc. I just checked her twitter and she seems to be doing great; it was probably a bad idea to check it but I did notice I don't feel down or depressed and looking at her pictures didn't make me feel anything. But I'm not doing as well as she is, I haven't made a whole bunch of friends like her, however I have been going out on weekends and hanging out with my friends. I have a post from earlier explaining the whole story about her and I. I don't know I just need some advice. Also I don't know the exact motive behind why I want to talk to her, I'm guessing it's just to talk.

To add to the post:

I started NC with her again Dec. 17

Also, when/if I talk to her I want to apologize for a lying to her face when she knew the truth(it wasn't a serious lie), tell her how I miss having a close friend who I talked to everyday about anything, sorry for breaking a promise(never leaving her) and I'll keep it one day, and I want to ask her if she has been messing around with other guys and what she thinks of the way we are right now. I don't know if the latter is a good idea but yea I want to tell/ask her those things while having a good conversation.

I would've started this off by saying she was my closest friend, however after going on no contact with her(3 months) and thinking of our whole relationship I've been wondering if she ever really cared or if she even knows me.

I was her closest friend, knew her for 2 years, but I can't say if she was my closest friend. I feel like if I asked her when my birthday was she wouldn't be able to tell. She has said she cares about me but I can't think of any actions that have proved it. When we used to talk we talked almost everyday, and we rarely hungout; when I asked she always had an excuse, it was always her choice. Also when she was interested in a guy the way we talked and the amount we talked changed. Whenever I tried to leave her though she would get sad, I don't know if that's an indication to caring.

Also, the reason we stopped talking was because I had feelings for her but she didn't return them. We did mess around, she did have feelings for me at one point but they disappeared. Right now I'm really pissed off at her because I feel like I was a 2nd option to her while she rather give her time to other guys and mess around with them. Now, I don't know if it's the anger that's making me think she didn't care or if it's an actual fact that she didn't care.

Still pining away at missing this female... as a friend. You really need to do something about your lack of a social life.

Honestly, my social life is fine. I've met great new friends, summer filled with a lot of activities, I've had dates with different girls. I just don't understand why these thoughts of her caring or not caring about me are coming into my head. I mean I thought it was okay to reflect on things like these? I guess not.

It is okay to reflect, but not dwell. Reflection is good for the soul as long as things are kept in perspective. It was but a small chapter in your life that will be filled with many more chapters.

Man, sometimes at my age, old memories come back, and the feelings of them is remembered also. Nothing wrong with reflections of old memories. Sometimes we learn from them.

I commented to make sure you weren't dwelling too much is all! Glad you have a life that you enjoy so much.

I took your advice from months ago and stopped contacting her, I've been having fun and starting to feel better. You might have been right, I was starting to dwell on this especially when I kept thinking about what I would do if I met her in the future, if I would date her then, but all that stops now. Out of all the people who have given me advice about this situation, yours was the one I took into my head the most. I was a lap dog like you said lol you made me realize that. I value your input talaniman, I appreciate you taking the time to answer.