anewday
Nov 7, 2011, 09:23 AM
It's been a long time since I've posted on here (which I personally think is a good thing!), but alas, it seems that I would like some of your help once again.
I met a girl about two years ago, at my best friend's party. We had an instant connection and were both attracted to each other. Unfortunately at the time I had just been heartbroken by an ex, so was not in a fit state to start a relationship. After that, we saw each other very occasionally until approximately August of last year. She started becoming more included in my immediate social circle, and we started seeing a lot more of each other. It was apparent that the connection was still there, and we began flirting, etc. It culminated in an inebriated night out (not the best time I know) where we both made our feelings known for each other. Unfortunately, she had been sexually assaulted about a year before then, and felt that she was still not ready for an intimate relationship. She could not bring herself to kiss me, and ran off crying. I spoke to my best friend about this (they are now very close friends themselves), who said that she was incredibly frustrated with herself, as she wanted to make a go of things with me, but was still too emotionally traumatised.
After that point, we stopped talking as much, although it was hard to remain 100% NC, as my best friend (who is female, fyi) & her had become so close, so we would often bump into each other on social occasions. My best friend planned a holiday trip for a group of us in October of this year, and invited both myself and the other girl, along with a large group of others. I didn't think anything of it at the time.
About a year ago, I met someone online through a dating website, and although we both had worries about the distance between us (not huge - about an hour), we started seeing each other. We became physical too fast (in my opinion), but at the time I just it as nothing more than harmless fun. We got on very well when we were together however, and eventually entered into a relationship (FWB -> "let's see how this goes" -> relationship). From the off, I only saw it as a short term thing, to see how it went, maybe in the future, etc. She still lives at home as she has about 5 years before she can fully pay off all of her student debt, and due to the distance, we only see each other at the weekend. The problem that has always been nagging me at the back of my mind however is that although I love her, I have never really been "in love with her". I wouldn't do anything for her, no matter how much that I do care about her. There has never really been that "spark" for me.
Fast forward to the group holiday in October. At this point, I'm already slightly doubting the future with my girlfriend due to not being able to see her as freely as I'd like, knowing that she's tied down to her debts for five years, knowing that of course the relationship could grow some more... there just wasn't the initial big bang start to it all.
I had been avoiding the other girl as much as I could before this point, just in case any emotions resurfaced, and it would cloud my judgement. Of course, we were thrown together on the flight out, and spent quite a bit of time together with her on the holiday, even though I purposefully tried not to. We got on incredibly well, and that sparking connection was still there. Fortunately we were never put in the position where anything could happen between us.
Since the holiday, I have been increasingly doubtful about my girlfriend and our relationship. I've made sure that we've spent more time together, done more things together, experienced more, but it just feels... hollow. That I'm fighting an upward battle against a sand dune.
I spoke to my best friend about this, and she said that the other girl (great name for her, right?) is trying really hard not to influence my decision with my girlfriend, and is trying to avoid situations where we're alone, or when my girlfriend comes up in conversation.
Last week, we were supposed to have a film watching gathering at my house, but everybody cancelled at the last minute, aside from the girl in question. Again, nothing happened, but we spoke together for a few hours and found out that we had even more in common etc.
This weekend, I couldn't see my girlfriend on the Friday, as she was seeing some friends in another city. My friends and I were supposed to meet up and go out, and *again* they all cancelled aside from this one girl. It almost feels as if they are cancelling on purpose. We went out, had a fun time, had a few too many drinks, and ended up almost kissing a couple of times, but stopping before it got that close. I went to see my girlfriend on the Saturday, and it felt as if everything had shifted. Hello, guilt.
The question I'm asking is; what do I do?
I guess I can see the options, but they're all incredibly hard:
[a] Break up with my current girlfriend, go NC with both girls so that I can heal, then see where the land lies a month or so later.
[b] Stay with my current girlfriend, work harder at the relationship, and attempt NC with the other girl as much as possible.
I've always been one for not wanting to hurt anyone, but all I can see at the moment is that I'm hurting both girls, without really realising it.
I met a girl about two years ago, at my best friend's party. We had an instant connection and were both attracted to each other. Unfortunately at the time I had just been heartbroken by an ex, so was not in a fit state to start a relationship. After that, we saw each other very occasionally until approximately August of last year. She started becoming more included in my immediate social circle, and we started seeing a lot more of each other. It was apparent that the connection was still there, and we began flirting, etc. It culminated in an inebriated night out (not the best time I know) where we both made our feelings known for each other. Unfortunately, she had been sexually assaulted about a year before then, and felt that she was still not ready for an intimate relationship. She could not bring herself to kiss me, and ran off crying. I spoke to my best friend about this (they are now very close friends themselves), who said that she was incredibly frustrated with herself, as she wanted to make a go of things with me, but was still too emotionally traumatised.
After that point, we stopped talking as much, although it was hard to remain 100% NC, as my best friend (who is female, fyi) & her had become so close, so we would often bump into each other on social occasions. My best friend planned a holiday trip for a group of us in October of this year, and invited both myself and the other girl, along with a large group of others. I didn't think anything of it at the time.
About a year ago, I met someone online through a dating website, and although we both had worries about the distance between us (not huge - about an hour), we started seeing each other. We became physical too fast (in my opinion), but at the time I just it as nothing more than harmless fun. We got on very well when we were together however, and eventually entered into a relationship (FWB -> "let's see how this goes" -> relationship). From the off, I only saw it as a short term thing, to see how it went, maybe in the future, etc. She still lives at home as she has about 5 years before she can fully pay off all of her student debt, and due to the distance, we only see each other at the weekend. The problem that has always been nagging me at the back of my mind however is that although I love her, I have never really been "in love with her". I wouldn't do anything for her, no matter how much that I do care about her. There has never really been that "spark" for me.
Fast forward to the group holiday in October. At this point, I'm already slightly doubting the future with my girlfriend due to not being able to see her as freely as I'd like, knowing that she's tied down to her debts for five years, knowing that of course the relationship could grow some more... there just wasn't the initial big bang start to it all.
I had been avoiding the other girl as much as I could before this point, just in case any emotions resurfaced, and it would cloud my judgement. Of course, we were thrown together on the flight out, and spent quite a bit of time together with her on the holiday, even though I purposefully tried not to. We got on incredibly well, and that sparking connection was still there. Fortunately we were never put in the position where anything could happen between us.
Since the holiday, I have been increasingly doubtful about my girlfriend and our relationship. I've made sure that we've spent more time together, done more things together, experienced more, but it just feels... hollow. That I'm fighting an upward battle against a sand dune.
I spoke to my best friend about this, and she said that the other girl (great name for her, right?) is trying really hard not to influence my decision with my girlfriend, and is trying to avoid situations where we're alone, or when my girlfriend comes up in conversation.
Last week, we were supposed to have a film watching gathering at my house, but everybody cancelled at the last minute, aside from the girl in question. Again, nothing happened, but we spoke together for a few hours and found out that we had even more in common etc.
This weekend, I couldn't see my girlfriend on the Friday, as she was seeing some friends in another city. My friends and I were supposed to meet up and go out, and *again* they all cancelled aside from this one girl. It almost feels as if they are cancelling on purpose. We went out, had a fun time, had a few too many drinks, and ended up almost kissing a couple of times, but stopping before it got that close. I went to see my girlfriend on the Saturday, and it felt as if everything had shifted. Hello, guilt.
The question I'm asking is; what do I do?
I guess I can see the options, but they're all incredibly hard:
[a] Break up with my current girlfriend, go NC with both girls so that I can heal, then see where the land lies a month or so later.
[b] Stay with my current girlfriend, work harder at the relationship, and attempt NC with the other girl as much as possible.
I've always been one for not wanting to hurt anyone, but all I can see at the moment is that I'm hurting both girls, without really realising it.