I just found out this morning that my 21 yr old daughter was slapped across the face, at her 21st birthday party, by her boyfriend. This was in front of people. This worries me because I believe if the abuse becomes public, it has already become 'routine' so to speak.

He is a full blown alcoholic, doesn't work, and they live in his mom's basement.

What can I do to either get her out, or support her if she refuses to leave?

You can pretty much do nothing - she's an adult. If she finds this to be acceptable behavior I don't see you changing that.

You encourage her to leave and stand behind her. I'd be very careful about "preaching" to her, no matter how much she needs to hear it, for fear of alienating her.

What can I do to either get her out, or support her if she refuses to leave?Hello J:

I assume you're the mother. If you were the father, I would have heard about a third option. Assuming that there's no father, you can STILL act like one - at least to this mumser (that's a Jewish word).

In the world, there are the intimidaters, and there's the intimidated. You NEED to intimidate HIM. He'll stop. Intimidation can be LEARNED if you're not predisposed to it. Start with a book called Winning Through Intimidation. I can't remember who wrote it... You don't have to do much.. Most intimidation is done quietly... For example, you could talk very sweetly and quietly to him and suggest that it might NOT be in his interest to continue to abuse your daughter... The quieter you say it, the better... Then you could buy a BIG gun, and send him a copy of the receipt... Take a concealed weapons course, and send him a copy of the receipt. He'll get the message.

excon

Thank you Judy and Excon. You have both helped... but Excon, that is the best answer ever!! I love it! That's exactly what I'll do. You know what they say about a Lioness and her cubs! I can totally do this, and will! I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks!

I am going to answer your question with another question - how are "they" supporting themselves? Does your daughter work, go to school, something else?

Do you have much one-on-one contact with her? I have found that I get the best opportunities to talk to my (step) daughters when we spend the day together, cruising a mall, at a craft show, hiking in a park, something else. They open up - and I don't judge.

As it happens I left an abusive marriage some years ago, later than I should have. I "loved" him and it was very, very hard to go. Abuse tears at yourself respect. It's hard to admit the relationship is a mistake... and yourself respect goes down the drain.

Talk to her, LISTEN to her, support her - and pretend you know nothing about the abuse until/unless she tells you about it.

Thank you Judy and Excon. You have both helped...but Excon, that is the best answer ever!!! I love it! That's exactly what I'll do. You know what they say about a Lioness and her cubs! I can totally do this, and will! I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks!

Please do not buy a gun, let alone send him the receipt. Now he knows you own a gun and can come and steal it from you and possibly use it against you or your daughter in a fit of rage. You just lost either your life or inadvertently killed your daughter. It is very easy to disarm a person ( woman especially if not properly trained). He can even lie and say you gave it to him as a present as he now has the receipt to prove it. What rational person gives someone a copy of a receipt for a gun? He would not be threatened by this or even get the "hint". He would probably start planning how to get your gun into his hands for further intimidation or worse against your daughter.

Please rethink this option very carefully as you could end up with charges brought against you if he decides to lie and say you threatened him with the gun - you are the one who will be sitting in jail - not him. Threatening someone with a gun in their hands is treated very differently than just idly threatening someone empty handed. This would be considered a gun crime on your part. And the police and courts are ratcheting up the punishments when it comes to guns. If you pulled that in Ohio, for instance, you would spend quite awhile in jail. Some states are handgun unfriendly. Do you want to play Russian roulette with this drunk who thinks nothing of hitting your daughter? Who's to say that sometime in the future he slams her again and you just lose it and go and threaten him with the gun in your hand. On or off your property does not matter. You have the gun in you possession what's to say you won't go and threaten him? People react differently under severe stress and adrenaline coursing through your body can make you do some pretty awful things you would not normally do.

Just spend some time with her and see what you can glean from just why he slaps her. He may be a bipolar personality who just has to control her or he may be on just more than alcohol.

Joyous63 I read your other post where you said you were abused as well. A gun in your hands would only make you "take revenge" on the boyfriend for your past abuse. This is not going to turn out well at all.

I note that the OP (person asking the question) has a problem with abuse in the past.

OP - what did you do to get away?

Someone at the birthday party should have called the police as this is considered domestic abuse and he would have been arrested. How long ago was the birthday party? If it was not too long ago maybe you could go to the DA's office and file a complaint against the BF since there were witnesses present who could testify against him.

I am finding this to be lacking in a lot of details. I am not saying that nothing is happening, but I do think you need more information before you leap into a situation that may or may not be what you are being lead to believe it is.

How did you find out about this and do you have the full story?

He may be an alcoholic. However, has he ever shown any sign of being controlling or abusive in any way?

How hard was this 'slap'? A pat on the cheek can be mistaken for a 'slap' if someone wants to see it that way.

He may have 'slapped' her in front of people, but had she attacked him first? Was it in anger or two people playing around and an accident happening? Were they fighting before the 'slap' or was it 'out of the blue'?

Could someone be trying to cause an issue where there may not be one? We have had stories before where an ex (or someone with a crush on an individual) tried to say that someone was being abused to rile up the family into breaking up a happy couple.

If he is an alcoholic, talk to your daughter about support groups such as Al-anon (Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) ) for family/friends of alcoholics.

Thank you all so much for your advice. And no, I'm not buying a gun... quick reflex on the suggestion.
The details are: My older daughter, 23, was at the party and witnessed it. T. (younger daughter), was in an innocent conversation and said something innocently that caused him to, out of the blue, slap her hard across the face. The guys there jumped him, so yes, it was an abusive slap.
It happened Saturday night, 11.5, and they left his car here. It's still here. Guess he doesn't want to show his face.
And my daughter does work full time.
She is denying it according to those who have talked to her. Her cell is off so I can only go to her work, at a restaurant, and try pull her aside to talk to her, unless she shows up today with him, so he can get his car.
She hates to talk about anything personal that is negative, so this will be very difficult. But I am a calm, loving person and believe she knows she can come to me whenever she is ready to talk.
I will just let her know that I know, and will do whatever it takes to help her.

Thank you for giving more details.

Patients and being there for her about all you can really do without causing her to pull away and/or making matters worse. As you know she has to want to leave before she will. However, you can offer a hand and a quiet word or two.

Does she know what you went through?

Could you reach out in a round about way by bringing up the subject by talking about a news story or wanting her to remind you to make a donation at the local women's shelter?

What would happen if you asked her and your older daughter to come over for a 'girl's night' just to watch movies and have fun? Remind her there is life outside the relationship.

How did you get out of your situation? Would hearing that experience be helpful to her?

Is there a chance she witnessed you in an abusive relationship and now thinks that that's the norm?