fallfairy
Nov 5, 2011, 11:14 AM
I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and I've noticed several things throughout the course of our relationship (and outside of our relationship) that has led me to believe that he may have Asperger's, or maybe a mild form of autism...
He has always been very socially awkward; he speaks in a monotone voice, lacks facial expression almost completely (except when he is angry or amused), a few of my family members have described his personality as 'dead'; he seems as though he isn't really alive or responsive in a lot of situations. He is very intelligent, loves learning, and from what I understand, has had to read a lot about how to interact with people and how to communicate with girls in particular. He hasn't had a lot of success in dating and from what he's told me (and from what I've experienced myself), he doesn't seem to realize what is appropriate or inappropriate to say to a romantic interest until he's had the experience of saying it and being met with success, anger, upset, etc.
I know a fair bit about Asperger's myself, and I will also say that I love him very much and it doesn't matter to me whether he has it, from one point of view. The only reason it matters at all from another is because I'm very aware of some of the issues that individuals with Asperger's can have when it comes to relationships, resulting from their own internal conflict regarding closeness with another person. I've long ago come to accept that they way he acts and his apparent lack of emotion and empathy is simply the way he is, and I know that he really is a caring and sensitive person despite outward appearances and lack of expression. However, it's becoming an issue at this point that I am wanting something more from our relationship, and he is feeling very confused and going through an internal conflict: struggling between feelings of not being able to go without me, to feeling like we aren't going to stay together and that we need to break up (for no other reason than 'it doesn't feel right'). There is literally nothing else wrong. He is very honest and will tell me if there is something in our relationship that is out of balance or not working, but now there is nothing, just this feeling that he has and he doesn't know why because he's also having the same feeling of never wanting to be without me.
I know a lot of people with Asperger's can have this kind of conflict going on, because of a tendency to not feel comfortable being that close to another person. It's important to me that he understands why he's having this conflict within himself (if he does, in fact, have Asperger's), so that we can work to sort it out, and so that he doesn't feel like he has to give up on a relationship that I know he is happy in, because of an internal conflict that is not based on the quality of our relationship. We have tried to take time apart before, because he wanted to see how he felt and to think about things, but he literally can't go a day without messaging or wanting to see me; and he's tried.
I'm not sure what I can do to help him. I don't want to upset him, hurt his feelings or make him feel embarrassed by suggesting this and making him feel like I think there is something wrong with him, but I feel it's important to our relationship to either get a diagnosis, or not. He is extremely sensitive about the fact that he is socially awkward, and his feelings have been hurt multiple times by other people's comments to him about it. Just last night someone made a comment to him, saying he was a 'social retard', and he was very upset by it. And I'm upset by comments like that as well towards him. I'm sure no one else would think he was upset at all but I know him very well by now and I pick up on the very subtle things. I don't want him to think that I think less of him, but I'm not sure what else to do. Should I just let him continue this argument with himself until he eventually decides that it means we aren't meant to be together? I don't want to lose him over his own lack of understand about the very natural conflicts regarding closeness that someone with Asperger's would experience.
I'm fairly confident that if this is something he'd thought about before, or been diagnosed with already, he would tell me. So me bringing it up will be completely out in left field and could potentially really upset him.
He has always been very socially awkward; he speaks in a monotone voice, lacks facial expression almost completely (except when he is angry or amused), a few of my family members have described his personality as 'dead'; he seems as though he isn't really alive or responsive in a lot of situations. He is very intelligent, loves learning, and from what I understand, has had to read a lot about how to interact with people and how to communicate with girls in particular. He hasn't had a lot of success in dating and from what he's told me (and from what I've experienced myself), he doesn't seem to realize what is appropriate or inappropriate to say to a romantic interest until he's had the experience of saying it and being met with success, anger, upset, etc.
I know a fair bit about Asperger's myself, and I will also say that I love him very much and it doesn't matter to me whether he has it, from one point of view. The only reason it matters at all from another is because I'm very aware of some of the issues that individuals with Asperger's can have when it comes to relationships, resulting from their own internal conflict regarding closeness with another person. I've long ago come to accept that they way he acts and his apparent lack of emotion and empathy is simply the way he is, and I know that he really is a caring and sensitive person despite outward appearances and lack of expression. However, it's becoming an issue at this point that I am wanting something more from our relationship, and he is feeling very confused and going through an internal conflict: struggling between feelings of not being able to go without me, to feeling like we aren't going to stay together and that we need to break up (for no other reason than 'it doesn't feel right'). There is literally nothing else wrong. He is very honest and will tell me if there is something in our relationship that is out of balance or not working, but now there is nothing, just this feeling that he has and he doesn't know why because he's also having the same feeling of never wanting to be without me.
I know a lot of people with Asperger's can have this kind of conflict going on, because of a tendency to not feel comfortable being that close to another person. It's important to me that he understands why he's having this conflict within himself (if he does, in fact, have Asperger's), so that we can work to sort it out, and so that he doesn't feel like he has to give up on a relationship that I know he is happy in, because of an internal conflict that is not based on the quality of our relationship. We have tried to take time apart before, because he wanted to see how he felt and to think about things, but he literally can't go a day without messaging or wanting to see me; and he's tried.
I'm not sure what I can do to help him. I don't want to upset him, hurt his feelings or make him feel embarrassed by suggesting this and making him feel like I think there is something wrong with him, but I feel it's important to our relationship to either get a diagnosis, or not. He is extremely sensitive about the fact that he is socially awkward, and his feelings have been hurt multiple times by other people's comments to him about it. Just last night someone made a comment to him, saying he was a 'social retard', and he was very upset by it. And I'm upset by comments like that as well towards him. I'm sure no one else would think he was upset at all but I know him very well by now and I pick up on the very subtle things. I don't want him to think that I think less of him, but I'm not sure what else to do. Should I just let him continue this argument with himself until he eventually decides that it means we aren't meant to be together? I don't want to lose him over his own lack of understand about the very natural conflicts regarding closeness that someone with Asperger's would experience.
I'm fairly confident that if this is something he'd thought about before, or been diagnosed with already, he would tell me. So me bringing it up will be completely out in left field and could potentially really upset him.