This is going to sound completely awful, but I no longer feel that having my fourteen (nearly fifteen) year old son with me is a good idea. Long story short, I divorced his father when my son was about two years old. His father then dropped out of the picture, but I do have a good idea where he lives.

According to our final decree, we have joint custody. Now before anyone in here decides to start flaming me and calling me a 'bad parent', let me tell the story behind this post. Since about the age of four, my son has been completely impossible to parent. He has been suspended from every school he has attended, and repeated first and seventh grade; he should be in ninth grade now, but he is still in seventh grade.

For anyone who is wondering, yes, my son has been in counseling since about the age of five, and he has taken every psychotropic medicine known to man, with no positive results. He spent his eleventh birthday in solitary confinement at the DJC for threatening to kill me and his younger sister, and he was in foster care for over a year. He has an upcoming court appearance in NC for assaulting his teacher last year in school, as well.

I have dealt with physical and verbal abuse from him for years now, and my other children have been subject to his abuse as well. So far, the legal system has largely left me hanging. He refuses to behave in school (he's always been that way) and, as a matter of fact, I just picked him up from school AGAIN as he has been suspended from school for three days for his behavior. He has made it very clear that he does not want to go to school, yet, he has no answers for me when I ask him what he would prefer to do instead. He also refuses to acknowledge that EVERY child has to attend school. I guess he thinks that this rule or law does not apply to him. Yes, he also has IEP's and BIP's at his school, and he has had these in place since the first grade with really no positive results to curb his behavior.

So to sum this post up, I am at the end of the rope with my son. If I pack up his belongings and drive him to his biological father's house and drop him off with court papers giving him sole custody of my son, along with the two-foot-tall stack of mental health records I have maintained over the years, can I be charged with child abandonment? Also, my ex owes me about $25,000.00 in back support, so can that somehow be used against me?

No need to be defensive or to "assume" we are going to jump all over you. That's a disservice to those of us who are honestly trying to help other people.

At any rate - he is still your son and at this point in his life I don't know if it's in his best interest to drop him off with a man he basically does not know. Not fair to the child, not fair to the father (who may or may not deserve fairness), not fair (in the long run) to you.

The back support is another issue - I'm sure you have reasons for not pursuing it. It cannot be held against you.

The solution should be to go to Court, undoubtedly Family Court in your area, have your son adjudicated a person in need of supervision (or whatever it's called in your area) and have him removed from your home and placed wherever troubled kids are placed in your area. Might be a hospital, a foster home, a shelter for homeless teens, some sort of boot camp. At this point in time you COULD be legally responsible if he makes a very bad decision and I would get out from under being responsible for him in any way.

You also owe it to his sister - and yourself - to get him out of the house before he hurts one of you, or both.

Sometimes parents have no choices - you need to make him a ward of the Court. I'm sure you are at the end of your rope. It sounds like you've tried everything so now it's time to use the legal system for its intended purpose.

No, you can not just go to court and do this, you and his father can go to court and he can agree to take custody of him.

No, you can not just go to court and do this, you and his father can go to court and he can agree to take custody of him.


I certainly agree but OP doesn't know where father is (but knows approximately) and he's been disassociated for about 13 years (by my math). In NY the mother can take the child to Court as person in need of supervison (or similar wording) without the father's consent when there's been a long period of no contact. The father then is notified (if he can be found) and he's given the opportunity to make other arrangements and/or appear.

Might very well be different in other jurisdictions.

If I pack up his belongings and drive him to his biological father's house and drop him off with court papers giving him sole custody of my son, along with the two-foot-tall stack of mental health records I have maintained over the years, can I be charged with child abandonment? Also, my ex owes me about $25,000.00 in back support, so can that somehow be used against me?

The main problem with that scenario is that you will not be able to get court papers giving him sole custody without his consent. So you have to go to court together to work this out.

... If I pack up his belongings and drive him to his biological father's house and drop him off with court papers giving him sole custody of my son, along with the two-foot-tall stack of mental health records I have maintained over the years, can I be charged with child abandonment? ...

If you read this (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-law/child-abandonment-read-first-364259.html) "sticky", you realize that in most places "abandonment" is leaving a child without anyone to take care of him. If you do this under the circumstances you have described (not knowing for sure where the father is, not knowing his circumstances, etc.), it would be possible that you could be charged with this, I suppose.

But, as others have suggested, where do you imagine you would get " court papers giving him sole custody"? First, if you apply to the court for such an order, you would have to give your ex notice and an opportunity to be heard. In other words, these "court papers" will not be issued without both you and your ex first having been given a say in the matter. Even then, it is doubtful that you can get "court papers" giving custody to your ex unless your ex wants custody.