It's been almost 5 years. I turn 30 this month. He turns 31. When we met he was amazing, giving, loving, sex 3 times a day, basically my prince charming, and did I mention seriously fine as *****! Some say that when it's to good to be true it is, so maybe you allc an shed some light on my situation.

2 years in I suspected he was gay or at the lesat bi, as most of his friends were gay, and he worked at a gay bar. He didn't act like the typical gay man though. Hates shopping, communicating, girl things, loves sports, action movies, tools, has a thug East coast thing about him, and is just very masculine. I didn't understand why he always erased the computer browsing history. I actually thought he was having an affair, but before I could address it, he forget to erase one day, and I found several links to shemale porn. I confronted him, as I had asked MANY times if he was gay or even curious. He didn't deny getting off to those sites, and actually broke down in tears for hurting me. He said he was not gay, but unsure if he was bi. I told him the only way we could continue on in a relationship is if he had intercourse with a shemale. He didn't want to, but said if it meant losing me, he would.

He thoroughly enjoyed his 1 hour sexual encounter with the transgender ( our sex lasts 5 minutes, and after 2 years happens once a month) He resented me for " bringing out the bi in him" as he didn't want to live that life. He said he felt as if he had cheated, and really disliked that. We chose to look past it, as he slowly accepted that he was bi, and even admitted to a sexual male on male experience he had at age 16. For him accepting that he was bi meant choosing to live a staright life with me.

2.5 years into the relationship sex is every 6 weeks lasting 2 minutes as he "****s and gets off the pot" He does no forplay, and as far as oral goes, that stopped over a year ago. He comes home drunk one night, and his phone won't stop going off, so I finally answer the damn thing. Instantly I can tell that the person who I will call Amber is a transgender, and she's trying to reach my man to let him know that he left his wallet at her place. I confronted him in the morning, and he admitted to cheating on me with the transgender, matter of fact the SAME one he tried it with 6 months ago. He claims he was drunk, and sorry, and that he didn't even get off because as the sex continued, he became more sober and aware of what he was doing. He's kicked out & we split.

Time has passed, and we have become friends, but we are so in love, as we have so much in common, and have never really fought much. I haven't moved on, nor has he, so we give it another shot, only we have our own place. We now have 3 years, and what I'm going to explain happens up until now, which is almost our 5 year mark. I'm taken on a roller coaster. We are in love, sex is weekly ( still no oral from him & no foreplay )oh and did I mention that after the 1st year nothing I did would turn him on. Cute outfits, giving him head in the car, jumping on him in the morning. I'm in very good shape with measurements at 35DD 24 35, so I ask him what I can do to turn him on, as the sex is becoming less often now, and he says "nope you're so hot, and I am turned on by you I'm just not horny." In these 2 years he managed to break up with me for 2 months, then on for 2 months, then off for 2 months, as what appeared to be a bi polar situation. When we were on our "off time" he would have sex with transgenders, and real woman. During our ontime I watched as he and another transgender got it on, as I wanted to be a part of. The way he fu*ked this person was with so much drive, and passion, but not love, as I saw when we made love. Clearly he REALLY njoyed this though more so then I felt he enjoyed our sexual time. I asked if I was bad in bed, and he said I have been the best he's ever had. Again, I'm lost, as nothing makes sense. He still works at the gay spots, and I've seen regular gay men ( customers ) hug him, rub him, and he's popped a boner a few times, and these are men, not transgenders.

Why did I stay? I haven't a clue.. maybe I'm nuts, but I've stayed, and since June of 2011 we have been amazing, as he was diagnosed with depression, and started a medication. I saw the man I fell in love with. Sex was back on, and he was full of life! Everything was great, and we were making the move towards marriage, and moving in. We spent tons of money just 2 weeks ago for an upcoming trip, and really became just so connected. Two days ago he shut off, just like a light switch. I kept asking him why he was acting this way. He continued to say nothing was wrong. Today he told me he wanted out, and that his heart was no longer in it. I asked him why, and he said he felt overwhelmed/smoothered. I looked him in the eyes, and said " I will always love you, and accept you for who you are ( his family is homophobic) but if we end this now, I'm not coming back, so just be real, and tell me.... Is there a chance that you may be full on gay?" He turns away as he says no, and I grab his face and say " Swear on your Grandfather ( his heart & the homophobe ) that you are not gay." He turns to me, and says " I can't"

You wonder why I still ask? I'll tell you... An hour later he tells me he just needs space, and that he loves me, and doesn't want to end this. He says that we already know he is bi, but that he often wonders if he is gay, and the reason he cheats with woman is to make himself feel straight maybe. He admitts that he is lost, and confused, but doesn't want to be gay, or loose me. As I write this a text has just come in from himsaying "I love you."

I'm very hurt by all of this, and it took a lot to write this, and share with you. Please don't knock me or attack me, as this is already the hardest thing I've ever encountered.

Wow. You have been through a lot with him. You must really love him.
After reading what you had to say, I'm going to be honest with you.
I have a strong feeling that he might be gay but isn't ready to admit it to himself.
Being bi-sexual means you can go both ways but it must be very hard for him to confront himself about being gay. I might be wrong but I have a strong feeling about this.
I don't doubt that he loves you but sexually he might not be that into women.
And again this is just what I think. You know him and you should follow your gut feeling about this.
I hope you guys will figure this out soon. Good luck!

Hi Jondy...

Thanks for your reply, and for your insight. I think I agree with you, and I really do love him, so I'm in an awful bind. I have an honest, sweet, caring, loving, giving GAY BOYFRIEND, and I think when I look outside of the fantasy that he may one day be my husband, I then realize that he is just that, gay, but lost, torn, in love, confused, scared. I guess what I feel now for him will eventually be in my past, but he will have to deal with this for the rest of his life, and I feel for him because he REALLY doesn't want to be like this. I wish there was something I could do, but there isn't, and I guess God has a plan for all of us. Thanks again.

You're welcome. I wish you all the luck in the world. Hope everything will work out with you.

The only way you can know someone else's sexual orientation is if they tell you. Period.

There are serious trust issues in this relationship, though, and I think you need to see a counselor together in order to work through this.

He should also seek counseling on his own to help him determine for himself what his sexual orientation is.

Has anyone, when asked if they were bad in bed, ever been told, "Yes, you are." Side issue - but...

My other thought is - if he's having sex (or was having sex) with both OP and men. That's qualifies as bi. That takes him out of the "gay" category.

Hi I am in a similar situation.I have been with my boyfriend for 13 months he has been on numerous dating sites calling himself bisexual he seems to get a kick out of chatting to men arranging to meet but never go through with the meet. Well as far as I know he hasn't . He has admitted to having at least three sexual encounters with a very well known gay in our village before we got together. He likes to watch shemale and young gay porn he also goes on gaydate on sky and sex texts men. I have found him on webcam roulette wanking himself off to men. Each time he gets caught out he tries to lie then admits everything . He has been caught out at least 15 times and each time he says he loves me and won't do it again . I really do believe he is addicted to these sites but he can't stop doing it. I have offered to go and get help with him myself esteem is at a rock bottom and I've not been able to work since August. I love him so much but he's destroying me.Our sex life is brilliant too so why does he do it ?

Loopylou, if you would like advice about your situation, just start a thread with your background. I think we can give you some advice but it wouldn't be proper to do so in someone else's thread.

Thank you.

First I'm giving you a cyber pat on the back. It takes a very strong person to handle this maturely like you have. I haven't read the other responses but I will post a couple of things for you. Sorry if they are repeating what someone else wrote.

First off I would like to point something out. The dating the shemale. This doesn't mean he is gay. There are actually a lot of men who identify as straight who date shemales. To them they are secure enough in their masculinity to do this. However, in your case this isn't what is happening.

Okay. I'm gay myself and have seen this a million times. What is happening is your boyfriend is or rather was comfortable with himself that he could work in a gay bar and not be in the least threatened. Good for him. However something has happened or has been happening which is causing him to question his sexuality. Hence the dating the shemale. He may love you but may have sexual attraction to men as well and so he is trying to (In his head and heart) come to grips with this. It happens sometimes to even straight guys. I had a male straight friend who fell in love with me but wasn't attracted to men. Just me. So it confused him completely and threw our friendship into a tailspin.

Your boyfriend may be going through this and is confused, worried, and scared. Sounds like you 2 have a good relationship but this is something he needs to figure out on his own. I've seen men who don't deal with it and repress it and well.. They end up being people who you see holding up picket signs against gays or screaming "QUEER" from their car window as they drive by.

I would recommend you break up with him and he moves out and you stay in contact as support. Keep a good head on your shoulders and if you cannot handle being a friend for now then split up but help him first by helping him find a support group in your area. There are support groups for people who are unsure whether they are gay/bi/lesbian and these types of groups can help him figure it out. He may determine he is straight in which case he may want to continue with you.

Good luck and I sincerely hope this helps.

I haven't read the other responses but I will post a couple of things for you. Sorry if they are repeating what someone else wrote..


Please take the time to read the answers before yours. They are informative, raise questions, give answers, are a big part of how a Q and A board works. It's EVERYBODY's collective effort that counts, and when you skip from the question to your answer everyone loses out.

Thank you all so much for taking your time & effort in helping me with this situation, as it has been tough 4 years. As of right now, he claims to be bi sexual & 80% more into woman, then in men. I can only imagine how tough it is for him & continue to pray for him, as well as 4 my sanity. Gryphyn34 I find it amazing at how honest & sincere you are in your post & that really helped me. loopylou75 I feel for you & hope it gets better. I know I'm strong, 4 if I was not, I'd of been gone long ago. He is my heart, sadly I'm not sure I'm his. Only time is to tell & God will see to it that the best situation comes of it all. I will keep checking back & reading all of your responses. Thanks again 2 everyone.

Hi, Ive started my own thread now. Sorry to butt in. Hope you have come to some peace with this my head is a mess with it all. It makes you feel you're not good enough Im at rock bottom. Don't know what to do to help him if he told me he wanted a man and not me I could accept that but he says he loves me . Just like your boyfriend what are we supposed to do hang round until they decide what they want.