My boyfriend and I were both divorced for 2 years before we met and started dating. We've been together for over 2 years now. We live together. I waited 9 months before I met his children who are now 7 & 9 years old. His ex-wife has been in a relationship with another man for over 3 years - they also live together.
When we began dating, his ex called him all the time and expressed her opinion that she didn't feel he was "ready" to date anyone. (She had been dating her boyfriend for a year at that point.) He talked to her about me so that he might "put her mind at ease" but she just used whatever he told her as a means to find flaw and pick at my character. If she called when he didn't have the kids, she would become enraged if she found out we were out to dinner or that he was at my apartment. At her request, I met with her before I was allowed to meet the children. I don't have kids, and I assumed our meeting would be to discuss her expectations of me with her kids but she spent the entire time complaining about my boyfriend, his family and strangely how the divorce wasn't really supposed to happen but that she apparently "wasn't worth fighting for." It was an awkward meeting.
Once I met the kids, my boyfriend's previously shared visitation schedule became very micromanaged. He was constantly redirected for having dinners with both myself and the kids. His time with the kids was to be just them and I was interfering too much. I was very conscious of her feelings and tried to back off some. This hurt my boyfriend's feelings and he said his kids enjoy my company just as much as he does. We continued to progress and moved in together. She picked apart my every interaction with the kids while they were at our house. Putting a band aid on the child at the child's request (I work in a doctor's office so it wasn't a "motherly" act to me) sent her over the edge. Cooking with the kids (in a desperate attempt to get them excited to eat their dinner) made her feel like I was stepping into her territory. After a grueling wait for permission, we took them to a little tourist town one day and had an overnight stay in a hotel but she was not happy about it and we never heard the end of it when we got back. She's taken the children several places overnight with her boyfriend with no issues. They actually went for 10 days to Florida this past spring break. When we asked if we could have the kids for vacation in the summer, we were denied.
I've skipped going to their games and birthday parties so that she may be able to enjoy herself at her kids events instead of looking for more reason to text or call my boyfriend. It's important to us that the kids never hear us speak ill of their mother and as far as we're concerned, we think her boyfriend is a like-able guy. She doesn't hold her tongue about her ex or myself in front of her kids and it seems like there is a lot of questioning and instructing them on loyalty.
I don't have children of my own but I'm OK with that. I most likely cannot have children of my own but I knew that before I started dating my boyfriend. That does not mean that I intend to mother his kids. I call her Mommy in my home. There is only one and I know what my name is. I don't force myself on his kids. Sometimes they greet me, sometimes they don't, sometimes I get a hug, most of the time I don't and I'm OK with that. I have a step parent, I know how I felt as a child. It's OK. I feel like I've expressed that to her before but she refuses to see it. Everything I do is a threat to her and her bond with her children. Even celebrating holidays and enjoying fun time together as a group.
Before my ex met me, he did his birthday things at her house and even celebrated Christmas as her house because it was easy and he was living at his mom's house. After we moved in together, naturally, we wanted to do normal things like celebrating his birthday in our home or celebrating Christmas or Thanksgiving in our home but because he isn't going to her house to do these things anymore, she feels that he is not putting his kids first and that I am ruining everything. Last year (and it was a struggle) we had a lovely first Christmas in our home. It seemed like the kids had a good time and we went to great length to ensure we did NOT outshine HER christmas presents for the kids. It's just now Halloween and he is already being guilted about not spending Christmas at her house. She is living in her boyfriends home now, not the previous home they shared and she is pregnant with her boyfriend's child. At this point, I don't care if he goes there to do Christmas with the kids or not. I am getting blamed for any little thing he does himself to draw healthy boundaries with her. She refuses to accept that he makes his own choices and half of the time, I am not even involved in his decision making process, yet it's still my fault.
I am not a confrontational person and honestly, she is very aggressive. This gives me anxiety at the thought of dealing with her in public and I question my every interaction with the kids so that I won't get either of us in trouble. If I do attend an event, I maintain a wallflower status. Honestly the kids ignore me if she is in the vicinity anyway and I understand why. However, she did scold me at the last event I went to for not acknowledging her presence in public. I didn't intend to make her feel like that's what I was doing, she just usually comes off as unapproachable.
How can I show this woman that I am NOT a threat to her bond with her kids and that I have no desire to step on her toes as a mom. I have backed out of so much to avoid conflict with her which hurts my boyfriend because then he sits alone at events. I don't want to break it off with him because he is a wonderful partner - the best really, despite his bitter ex.