My husband of 3 and a half years, (an older man, twice divorced, then alone for 20 years), has from day one of our dating, always made statements to me regularly, (too regularly), who the pretty/feminine women are that we meet or know.

I got very very sick of it because it was so often, (daily, or even several times in a day he would repeat himself), but I still married him. Or, he would go somewhere by himself and when he came home would describe fully some woman's facial features/expressions - even if it was just someone in a dairy/library etc. And describe how he made them laugh, etc.

When I asked him about why he would always point out the pretty ones, (as if I don't have eyes), and constantly talk to me about, or point out their smile or how their eyes would light up, their jaw dropped, etc.

He got very defensive and argumentative when I said he was talking about pretty women way too much and putting them "in front of me" all the time. Then he changed, and started quoting their words to me. If I was in company with him and another pretty woman I would hear her saying some simple everyday word like "cheeky" once, then for the next six months he would daily or more than daily use the word "cheeky" to me.

The words they used he would say to me only, and still does, every single day, (even six months later), when the woman is not even around anymore. I find it so bizarre, frustrating, irritating, and wonder now if he has mental/psychological issues.

When I bring it to his attention after putting up with it without saying anything for quite a long time, (even months some times), it simply gets worse so that I think he is doing it deliberately? Trying to manipulate me? But why? I can't figure this out at all and it leads to arguments often now and I don't want to do things/go places with him, and he tells me I've got the problem, yet I would never, even once, play on the words of an attractive man we both meet.

It's so bizarre.

I mentioned name-dropping. What I meant was - one woman's name is Jo - she is the one who casually used the word "cheeky". Then every day, and I mean every day, my husband would say 'jo bloggs', 'sloppy jo' (as in the jumper), or 'what do you know jo?', when meeting a friend/relative - in front of me every time. This, or the word 'cheeky' has been repeated over and over and over for the past six months - daily. Then one day when he missed, I thought "oh he has stopped", but no, the very next day the same thing over and over - it doesn't matter what I say - HE WILL NOT STOP, and I now know this. I told him that he says the word Jo more than he says my own name. He rarely uses my name - he calls me 'love' - even if he is calling to me from outside when I am inside - he will call out 'love'. Also he doesn't want me to call him by his first name as he says he knows his own name. I have never known this type of psychology in my whole life and I am just about screaming with the bizarreness of it all. Can anyone explain any of it?

Not sure what the problem is. Not sure why your taking these little words or sayings so seriously. It is so common. Not sure why it is an issue.

My name is Joe, and I get a lot of people saying different phrases and other things. I have heard what do you know Joe, lots and lots.

Actually it sounds like he is quite normal. It sounds like you are the one with the issues. Over analyzing everything and taking everything out of proportion. Not sure what is wrong with being called love... Obviously he loves you.

IT IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. There is no psychology that needs to be involved.

Quite surprised to find somebody that finds all these normal sayings and nick names to be a problem.

That is perplexing to me.

Not sure what else to say to you. Except it is odd that you have never heard of these sayings or husband and wife having nick names for each other. Using sayings or other things while talking about other people.

What I am saying is the frequency that he says these things. I know very well they are innocent words. Six months ago we met Jo - she said 'cheeky aren't I?' said innocently in humour in front of me and my husband (that is normal). Then, every day after that my husband will tell me every day that so and so is 'cheeky', or somebody else is 'cheeky'. Even the birds are 'cheeky' for pooping on the fence I just painted. Sometimes it is 3 times a day, but it is every day. Since when do you meet 'cheeky' people every day, I certainly don't. This has been going on for six months and you could say it has got on my nerves badly as all day I am hearing 'cheeky, cheeky, cheeky'. I think you don't get the intensity of it, and if it's not 'cheeky', it is 'Jo' as in jo bloggs, what do you know jo etc. All day, every day, every time I sit to have a meal with him - do you get it now? And that is a brief explanation of what has been going on. Would you quote continuously to you wife another woman's name but never call your wife by her own name? That to me is bizarre, even if you do get called love (which I don't have a problem with), but at least once a month I'd like to be called by my first name.

Why do I need to get it? Because I do not agree with you. Cheeky, Cheeky Cheeky, nothing wrong with the word cheeky. He uses things and saying repeatedly maybe it is getting annoying. Just let him know it is wearing thin. That it is bothering you but you already did. Obviously he does not think it is an issue, nor do I for that matter.

All day every time every where. Does it really matter. Why did you get married with him? Why are you still married to him if this is such a big issue. If this is the only issue you have with him. My God, I can not imagine what would happen if there was an actual real series problem in the relationship. You get called love. You know what, yes I use my wife's name. Not all the time, but now we are known as mama and papa to our son so first names not used that much. We have nick names for ourselves.

Now these nick names are not used in front of other people but the word love. Nothing wrong with it. Well why do you not sign a contract with your husband and get both you two to sign it. With an agreement about calling you by your first name at least once a month. Will that make you happy?

I am sure others will pipe in on this thread and give you other opinions and thoughts on your matter. I really hope they do. I really hope that you stick around and find out what other people might have to say besides me.

Then again I do not think it matters what anybody else says. If all else fails then go to marriage counseling but it is obvious he is happy and healthy. On the other hand for you it does not sound like you are so it has to be dealt with.

I'm very sorry, I didn't mean you had to get it - what I meant was that maybe I wasn't explaining myself well so that I was not making myself understood because I really want help with this. It is very difficult to explain behaviour that I don't understand myself. There is definitely a heavily repetition of same words, and other things that I now don't want to go into - if he tells me every day someone is cheeky, then repeats himself saying "cheeky, cheeky, cheeky" every day, then of course I will get sick of it - I have even come to expect it daily. I do appreciate your comments, but I do know for a fact that the repetition I am hearing (and it is only me) is not usual (I won't say not normal). Yes he does love me and I love him, that is why it is so puzzling to me that he quotes women's comments to the nth degree (literally). I feel hammered with it. I actually wondered if it was something like alzheimers, sadly. If it is, then, I can accept that and look for help elsewhere to help him as much as me. Yes, I will let him know it is wearing thin, though I would have thought he'd know that by now. No, I'm not looking for rules about how often to say my name, but he practically never says it to me, and I am wondering if he gets words/names stuck in his head - if so, so what, that is entirely OK if it is not deliberate. If it is deliberate, then I don't know what I am experiencing. I married him because he is a wonderful man generally and I am not looking to just put him down, there are other things too, but now I don't want to get into that as I will probably make a mistake in how I put it. Thanks for your comments - I do appreciate them, and I will look at myself too.

I see other problems but this is the "easiest" to explain -

If you don't like this aspect of his behavior, just keep telling him.

Thanks JudyKayTee
I do tell him, and he told me once that he "digs his toes in" and I think he is doing that - even when I have ignored the behaviour for months. He told me I can't stop him saying words in the dictionary, but that isn't what I am wanting to do - I'm wanting him to stop playing on the words, and when I tell him it actually gets worse so all I can do is be quiet, and when I'm quiet he still carries it on. Can't achieve anything and it doesn't matter if I say something or I don't (for months) he still won't stop.

I don't know him, of course, but I get the feeling he's doing this one thing to annoy you for some reason.

Is there something else that he's upset about that he's either afraid to mention or doesn't want to talk about?

I see questions along these lines if a man is having difficulty with his sex life - he then antagonizes his partner in some other arena.

Have you ever parroted his words back to him in an unconcerned, enthusiastic way? -- i.e. use "cheeky" endlessly in your sentences -- drive him crazy with your overuse of/referring to the words and names he uses, made up reasons to use the words and names?

I'm with Judy on thinking he wants to annoy you somehow, and maybe he's covering up something bigger, a larger concern.

How much older is he? What other people need to realize here is that this is not a new behavior this has been his behavior from the very start. So I doubt that he is doing it to annoy her. Depending on how old he is maybe there is something medical to it but like I said this man probably has this as a way of communicating.

Now you say there is other things but honestly if you are not willing to share completely you're concerns with us. If we can not see the whole picture it is kind of hard to help you in any way more then what any of us have with our opinions.

If you are leaving things out then it is kind of hard to help you in anyway, especially since the only issue you have is with his repetitive words and phrases which to me does not sound like a big issue.

I disagree with playing games with him. Do not turn around and try to annoy him on purpose or repeat words to try to annoy him. This is not a good approach at all. Especially considering this behavior he has always had since you have met him.

So until you fill in the blanks. Until you express here exactly what else is going on there is not much we can do.

I will again suggest marriage counseling. Also depending on his age, how old he is maybe he is experiencing stages of some kind of old age disease but until this is discovered you have to just do you best to deal with this with patience and seek counseling and maybe an advice through a doctor if you think it is medical. If you think it is getting worse.

Please help us by giving us the whole picture of all your experiences with your husband in order to be able to determine your next steps to how to deal with these behaviors.

Wondergirl and Judy - my thoughts exactly. If I do the same back to him (which I tried only once) he gets even worse - like he owns the word cheeky and I can't do that to him so he does it even more. That is what he is doing - making up reasons to use the words/names. We had a disagreement about someone called Sylvia. He obviously didn't get over it because he then went on to say the word 'silver' over and over daily (FOR A WHOLE YEAR). He even went on to point out things around us that is silver, even telling me the electric power box is silver. It's like I can't have even the slightest disagreement with him and we both get over it because he doesn't get over it, he ran with that one for a year, even after she wasn't around, then he found a reason to say Sylvia all the time (as in a name place). It feels to me there is a bigger/larger concern, yes. I have mentioned divorce (which I don't really want, I want him to stop the behaviour towards me and I suppose I tried to shock him to stop it, and because he has been divorced twice before I think I used it as a scare tactic. He doesn't want that either, but then I question myself that maybe he really does? He has assured me over and over that he doesn't, but his actions are not helping. He is 13 years older than me and has several health issues that affect him badly - needs a knee replacement for one, and all I want to do is help him with these things and I feel that I get slapped for it, and he is after all usually a very capable man, but aging. I don't want to give too much info, but your comments helped me to see there must be a bigger thing he is frightened of and I have to try work that out.

I'm an older adult and fear for loss of independence as I age and my body falls apart. I wonder if that is lurking in his mind somewhere, now that you mention his knee problem. And men typically hate to have to lean on someone else. They so value that freedom and independence and hate to thinking of having to be "helped."

Could that be part of what he's thinking? (Of course, how that works into the other behaviors... Got to put on my therapist hat now.)

What are his strengths? What have you always admired about him?

Joe, he is 65 now, I am 52 so it is a late life relationship but we knew each other a little socially for ten years before marriage. I know he is not about to do anything wrong with a woman, but at the start of our relationship - on the first date he was pointing out women in the street who were feminine/pretty, telling me who in the family / people we know who is pretty, pointing out a woman to me who had sunburn (lots of bare skin showing), but I don't think he was looking at the sunburn I think he used that as something to say to me, turning around to look at women walking by in the street as they passed etc. etc. It was too much for me at the beginning of the relationship and because he is still a good looking man I think it was a pattern from earlier days. I probably did overreact, but it wasn't until 3 months had passed initially that I even realised that he was doing that and pretty women were a big part of his conversation and after about three months I got a picture together of who he found attractive because he had repeated it so many times - there were about six women that we know personally, and it is almost like I then got to know his type, like he was letting me know as if I was another man or something silly like that. It was like we were dating to view other women with me as an onlooker. Anyway he has told me it isn't a sexual thing and he can usually describe in an instant what someone was wearing, including men and their uniform parts etc. so it is like he has a photographic memory or something like that. As I got to know him better I could see he was very observant but he had already put me on the back foot by quite excessive looking at women all around us (as it appeared to me at the time - maybe it was that there were mostly women around, but at the time I wasn't thinking of that), so I then got a thing about it which I never had before, and of course now I get the reputation like a big jealous witch, which I was never like before. He told me that he was alone for 20 years and if he points out something he just wants to share. Sadly, it always seemed to include women and I got ?wrong impressions. Most of my friends are women, younger than me, and they visit. He had given me a bunch of flowers, sitting in a vase in the hallway, and when one of my friends was leaving the house he picked one of those flowers from the vase and gave it to her. These are little things and he did apologise for that when I asked him why, and he said he has done that all his life. So now he feels restricted. But it wasn't so much the flower as the impression he gave me about doing that. These things are little, but happen all the time.

I wonder if "success" to him involves pretty women. If he is a nice-looking guy, maybe that has always been a given for him, handsome man + pretty women (plural).

Have you ever "bought into" his raves by going along with him and concurring with his insights and observations?

Don't forget to comment on my question about his strengths.

Wondergirl he has so many strengths - hardworking - so much so that he has done damage to his shoulders - a lot of concreting, painting, DIY jobs etc. and he is very friendly and loving mostly. As Joe said, I'm wondering if it is a 'communication' style, but one I don't get. I'm sure there are medical things too - diabetes is one. And no, he doesn't like being 'helped' - sometimes he jokes calling me mummy, but I can't stand by and not help him when he does need it. He is fiercely independent, used to doing many jobs for himself and other people and now he really needs to slow down and relax a bit for his own health, but he still has projects on the go all the time. Definitely not a lazy man by any means. His body fails him sometimes and he is very tired from poor sleeping and I am very tired from his poor sleeping.

His body may be yelling for him to slow down but that's not how he operates, so must put on this façade and be who he used to be when he was younger.

How does he act when you compliment him honestly (not in a phony way) and praise his strengths and the good things he does? Maybe he needs more of that.

Wondergirl, I was not really that way inclined before to go on about pretty women but your comments make some sense to me - I think he is comfortable around pretty women and I think he is protective of women generally, including me, but the behaviour is odd sometimes. We were driving on a highway once going one direction, north, one road. We knew we were needing to stay on that highway all the way north. A group of women were in the car in front of us going the same directionfor maybe five minutes before they turned off that road to go right. His reaction to me "do we go right now?". That was after an hour of being on the same route with no need/thought of having to go right. To me, it seemed like he wanted to follow their car? I just kept quiet saying no we don't need to go right we're still going north.

Yes, if I compliment him about the good things he does, he calls himself 'tough guy' and he is a tough guy. Honestly, he would do anything for anyone if he could and I don't want to lose him to any illness so I try looking things up on the net that could help him - his diabetes is type 2 and under control with diet. If I wanted to say something about these women it is hard because he is making references to them but not actually talking about them specifically if you know what I mean.

It sounds like he is so comfortable with you that he does, indeed, treat you like another guy at times. What if you followed along with the flow of his comments, as I said "bought into" where he seems to be going?

I suspect he simply wants validation for being able to pick out a pretty woman. Playing along with him to some extent and then skillfully steering the conversation elsewhere, might give him all the validation he needs. I'll give you a "for example," if you want.

Joe, no I am not going to play games with him as I know that he has enough to deal with now with his health etc. That is what blows me away too though, the fact that he has health issues and can still come up with this behaviour with all that going on, but like you say it is not new. I do seriously think there is something else with his health too because I know his eyesight is failing him somewhat and twice he has pointed out to me something that isn't there - once a dog on a boat - when I looked at the boat there was no dog, and once a tractor in a forest - when I looked there was no tractor. So not sure if it was eyesight or something else.

It's heck getting old, so he may be trying hard to be who he was in his prime (old habits die hard), yet his body is failing him.

Be very observant, but don't question too deeply or correct him (as with what he says he sees) and thus put him on the defensive. Play detective for a while and let us know what you're finding out.

Thanks for staying with me Wondergirl, I never tried that "buying into" before because I thought it was not right behaviour , but I do get you - I always thought that was encouraging them to do that, but I will definitely keep that up my sleeve and might give it a try when I come unstuck. He is defensive at the moment - in another room sulking or something, or struggling maybe. I always have to make the peace and it looks like I have to do that again. Yes, play detective - I have done a bit of that. Sadly, what has also happened is that his family members are also repeating these same words when we go there about every two weeks or so, and I mean they are also playing on the words too - I don't know if they are trying to help him overcome the situation or trying to embarrass me (his daughter and son in law) - it has been like this for quite some time and it is very uncomfortable for me now to even go there. That's the blank bits Joe asked me to fill in. So that is why I also think it might be deliberate on his part. Man, the psychology of it all. When I am with his family I don't say anything at all when they do it because I feel that he shouldn't really have involved them in the first place. It's OK for his daughter, she will always be his daughter so it probably doesn't matter to her.

I'm guessing they see him as an aging but beloved man who is trying to maintain his persona of who he was when younger. I'm betting it's not to embarrass you at all. Don't see shadows where there aren't any.

Any time you're ready, I'll trade you in-law families. The family I married into has always had some very interesting psychology going on.

I am hoping you are right that he simply wants validation for spotting a pretty girl, and he is I think desperately trying to hold on to who he was and says he is working really hard for the marriage - he also does a lot around the home, helping with household jobs, when he can, so he is still capable in many ways. I noticed yesterday that as he was pouring soup into bowls though that it was spilling down the cupboards and he didn't seem to notice. Aging is not nice.

Wondergirl he has so many strengths - hardworking - so much so that he has done damage to his shoulders - a lot of concreting, painting, DIY jobs etc. and he is very friendly and loving mostly. As Joe said, I'm wondering if it is a 'communication' style, but one I don't get. I'm sure there are medical things too - diabetes is one. And no, he doesn't like being 'helped' - sometimes he jokes calling me mummy, but I can't stand by and not help him when he does need it. He is fiercely independent, used to doing many jobs for himself and other people and now he really needs to slow down and relax a bit for his own health, but he still has projects on the go all the time. Definitely not a lazy man by any means. His body fails him sometimes and he is very tired from poor sleeping and I am very tired from his poor sleeping.



My late husband was diabetic - swings in his blood sugar often caused a level of confusion or, occasionally, bad judgment.

Is that what you are asking about?

Ah, good, your detective hat is on already! Just clean up the messes, but don't scold or even point it out. My husband leaves drawers and cabinet doors open so it looks like the kitchen has been burglarized after he leaves. I regularly mop the floor and cabinets where he stands to prepare his food. Don't ask me about the stovetop.

Praise your husband with honest compliments when you can.

JudyKay and Wondergirl
Now I'm laughing! Because my husband leaves the cutlery drawer open and spills the coffee onto the cutlery - simple solution would be to close the drawer before using the coffee, hmmm, a man thing! I think I have just got my sense of humour back. Yes, JudyKay, thanks for that too, I had forgotten that the sugar can cause mood swings and confusion. And Wondergirl, as for the family trying to help him keep his persona - THANK YOU SO MUCH! I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH for these comments, you have just probably stopped me making a very big mistake of wanting to pull out of going to their home again as they are lovely people and he needs to see them and his grandchildren of course. You can probably tell I have bottled all of this up, but a problem shared is a problem halved as they say, and I now feel I have something up my sleeve to help. JudyKay, I must not forget those mood swings and confusion might just be something that has been acting against him. Sorry for any negativity here, I usually am so positive, and I now have ammunition to work with and trust me you have all helped me now in a huge way.

Please feel free to come back any time to post more questions and just to vent. If nothing else, we can trade stories of what husbands do that drive us mad! Maybe we can even start a club...

It's up to you now to spin this in a positive way, keeping in mind his medical challenges. Reframing will keep you sane.

Human beings - we are so complex aren't we! I am going to print these comments so that I can remind myself to keep my sense of humour and do my best by my struggling husband - THIS MUST BE THE BEST ADVICE EVER - maybe it was worth waiting three years to seek advice because now I have it and I think I can achieve it (AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIVORCE ME NOW for how I have been reacting to him).

I'm glad you're glad. Keep us up to date.

This sort of thing is why I spent three years in grad school studying psychology -- and have always enjoyed public service jobs. I could keep you up all night with stories of people I've met while working in libraries. How unique and interesting each one of us is!

Yes, spin it I will, and I will keep helping him with his medical challenges, even if I get called 'mummy'. I better see if he is OK as I have been here for ages and you must have been too Wondergirl - yes, he is a beloved father and I always loved that about him and I want that for him too. You must have a wonderful insight into some human frailties and what can be done to help, and I have just learned a new verb - reframing - thanks for that, it makes me think I need to do it often. All the best with your own husbands, sorry I have not been as helpful as you have been to me today, and I want to practice it.

I've been spinning and reframing for at least 44 years. It becomes an art and second nature. I'm guessing you'll be good at it too with your open and joyous spirit.

Thanks again for drawing me out to give you something to work with - I really appreciate you putting up with me in here. I have printed off the advice and now wish I could delete it from the world's eyes because I think it is probably unique to me - is this possible?

It's hardly unique to you. You'd be amazed at how similar people's stories are. How do you think we counselors manage to untangle them so quickly sometimes? The plot line is usually the same; only the names are different.

In fact, someone else with a similar husband problem may be Googling right now, looking for some help for her marriage, and will stumble across this thread -- and be so glad to find it. See, you are doing a public service!

Yes, it's just the family I don't want to stumble across it - but if they do, then at least they see the other half of the story from my side. The plot line with the different names - that's so funny as I just couldn't imagine any other wife suffering the same thing of playing on a word 3 or 4 times a day every day - I thought I had just a very stubborn husband until I thought hmm! Maybe alzheimers or Picks disease is one that I googled - but I'd rather not go there for now unless it becomes obvious that it is something like that. As for me, I'm reframing thanks to you.

The plot line this time is "control" -- think about it.

And I spent about $20,000 to learn that word "reframe," but you got it for free. And you can reframe so much in your life in order to keep your sanity. It's amazing how well it works.

The thing is for me. There are times that I tell my wife I find this or that girl attractive. She will tell me she finds somebody attractive or even asks my opinion about how a girl might look. We are comfortable with each other and know that it is quite normal to be attracted or like the way other people look. Then again, you mentioned how he has always been around women and feel comfortable around them. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because there might be an attraction there does not mean that anything will ever happen. As you know yourself.

As far as the family repeating words too, do you think they know of the issues or is this something the whole family naturally does, as you say he has done it from the start?

You are very right humans are very complex. You just never know what is going on, on the inside.

There seems to be lots of things going on with him and thank you for opening up more about the situation because obviously you got helped out through the discussions with Wondergirl and Judy which is awesome.

So glad that you are getting help in how to deal with this situation and that hopefully your outlook will change. Focus on the positive aspects of your husband. He sounds like a good man.

Also would like to add the sleep deprivation can do a lot to people as well. Body wise and personality wise. Independence is a very good trait but not always a good one when you never take care of yourself properly.

Good luck with everything and wish you both the best. Thank you for coming here seeking advice. Hope you come back and let us all know how things are progressing.

Hi Joe
Yes, I think the family know, as my husband has gone away from the house upset twice in about the last year for about 3 hours when I asked him why he is repeating same words over and over and I snapped at him because I had enough at the time, and usually if he goes anywhere apart from the other places I'm aware of, it will be to his daughter. For about the last year (not previously), when we went to her house she and her husband would bring up these words 'silver', 'cheeky' a few times each time we went there (2 weekly about), so I felt they were doing it on purpose as it was in front of me and my husband but my husband wasn't saying the words. Hmmm! I still don't know and I forgive them if they were simply trying to support my husband in his difficulty and I didn't react to them as I thought my husband put them up to it.
Anyway, today my husband assured me it isn't deliberate and made mention that he is 'getting on' in years and I apologised to him where I might have hurt him knowing as I do how much physical pain he puts up with.
I wouldn't mind Joe if my husband talked properly about women we meet, as you said you do with your wife - I just get baffled with the name-dropping constantly and it made me think that Jo must be on his mind because it comes out his mouth so much after we just talked to her, and it could carry on for a year, but he isn't talking about her as such, he just puts the word Jo into his conversations with me. The last time we had a disagreement and made up he went straight into the word 'cheeky' within 5 minutes and I just confirmed to myself that it isn't going to stop and sometimes he says it just before I'm going to go to sleep. Today when we made up he hasn't so far said it so let's see if he says it just before I do go to sleep tonight. Sleep deprivation! That is the both of us now because he also snores loudly and sometimes we bunnyhop different beds to get some sleep - he has sleep apneoa to a lesser degree. I will continue to support him and he has been and is a wonderful support for me, yes, a good man definitely. Now I have ammunition to help - Wondergirl's word advice 'control' will help too. I always thought about self-contol, but it's easy to lose self-control when irritated so much. However, control brings other ideas to me - like control the situation, more than thinking self-control. I'm really believing he might have some sort of glitch where words get 'stuck' in his mind. I don't know, but I think I can cope better now. Thanks Joe, I now have something to work with and hope like crazy it is not dementia related as he is too wonderful to put up with that too. I will relax with it as I feel better already. I do wish I could still remove the thread as he would be very upset again to realise I had been seeking help here, but for now we are OK - thanks heaps!

There is no reason to remove the thread. It is important to get advice and seek it. You needed better ways to handle this situation instead of always making a situation out of the words. Maybe if you do not focus so much on this it might work. Focus on the positive.

Take care, and remember this thread and posts might help a whole lot of other couples going through similar situations.

(;

Wondergirl's word advice 'control' will help too. I always thought about self-control, but it's easy to lose self-control when irritated so much. However, control brings other ideas to me - like control the situation, more than thinking self-control. I'm really believing he might have some sort of glitch where words get 'stuck' in his mind. I don't know, but I think I can cope better now.
Ah, good for you. I didn't go into any detail about "control," but it sounds like you have allowed your mind to play with that word and all its permutations. Good girl!

The brain is a marvelous organ, but when it's tired or under stress or simply aging, it can cause a person to say upsetting or puzzling things or present strange or sometimes scary behaviors. If my retired husband DOESN'T get eight hours or more of sleep every night, he is a beast the next day, hyper, defensive, all out of sorts. If I DO get eight hours or more of sleep at night, I am groggy and like a limp dishrag. So you can see, we spin and reframe often at our house!

It's long been my experience (I'm an investigator, I talk to lots and lots of people) that men and women who talk endlessly about how terrific THEY are (in one way or another) or how terrific THEY were (usually when it comes to dating and/or sexual relationships) are telling me what they want or need to hear, not what I want or need to hear.

Maybe the husband is simply insecure for whatever reason.

Hi Joe,
Just to clarify and to fill in some more gaps; but it's hard as I could write a book by now about it, but it would be boring to read, I'm getting bored listening to my own voice about this now - my husband is the one making the situation with words; it's not me, I promise. I have ignored them until I'm nearly blue in the face wanting to scream at him. This is how it started: He and I had a brief 1 minute conversation with 'Jo' (Jodene), in passing, when we were out, (six months ago), with no issues, just a brief conversation where she said innocently "cheeky aren't I?". Husband and I go home. Straight away he rings his son in law DAVE, and says "What do you know Joe"? I felt a bit gobsmacked but I didn't say anything. Two days later his daughter visits my husband and I, and around the table we mention someone called Sam (totally unrelated to anything to do with this). She looks at me and asks me "isn't Sam's mother Jo? I say, "no, Sam's mother is Kim and she died quite a few years ago" (which is true). She says, looking at me, "Oh, I must be thinking about someone else?" - she was trying to get me to comment about Jo I think. I decided to keep safe and not comment but I was puzzled why she brought Jo's name into it (when Jo has got nothing to do with Sam). So I thought my husband must have said something to her to mention Jo to me. So it felt like she was just trying to get me to comment about Jo but I couldn't figure out why. Soon after that I told my husband that a friend of mine wanted to knit a babies cardigan but the wool would be $50 so it was too dear. He said "oh, like a sloppy Jo?". But babies don't wear sloppy Jo's as far as I know. I didn't fuss about it. Then we visit the daughter's house. His first question to grandchildren "what do you know Joe?". My husband and I go to buy his grandson a Tshirt. His comment when we were choosing "it's like a sloppy Joe". Well Tshirts aren't sloppy Joes that I know of either. I let these comments go but I felt they were excuses to say Jo to me. Then every day my husband started saying different people are 'cheeky', the neighbours, people who do a u turn in front of him, even if it wasn't dangerous, they are "cheeky, cheeky, cheeky people". Every day he finds a reason to say cheeky, Jo Bloggs, sloppy Joe etc. In this country sloppy Joe isn't even a used word that I know of, let alone frequently used. My husband and I went out for coffee, me in the passenger seat. In the car, without saying a word, he pulled over to be curb on the left. There was a woman sitting at the bus stop there. My husband looked at her, caught her eye, smiled at her, and then drove off again. No word spoken to me. I was baffled, stunned really. He kept driving and didn't say anything about it. Fifteen minutes later I asked why he stopped at the side of the road. He said "I was going to take the side road but wasn't sure I could drive straight through". It puzzled me because he knows the streets around here like the back of his hand and I wasn't sure I believed him as he is always quick to tell me which route to take somewhere. I didn't fuss about that either. We walked into a department store. Immediately he pointed to 3 women coworkers chatting. He pointed and said "see those women over there?" then he proceeded to the counter to ask something. I waited for him to finish his statement and he told me to go and buy some shoes. I went off to look at shoes and I didn't get to hear the rest of what he was going to say as he didn't finish. We went to his grandson's school when he got an award. Instead of going straight to the hall where the awards were given (straight in front of us),my husband took my hand quickly when he saw a teacher leading a group of children around the back of the school to the same hall (the long way). It didn't help that the teacher was female and we were basically following her and children; it felt quite odd to me.
I have these experiences all the time and have never figured them out - can you see why we have so many misunderstandings? He is a very clever man but he gets mixed up with things like horizontal/vertical etc, which is no big deal but it does lead to misunderstandings. He makes up for a lot of things with the effort he puts into things though.
Joe, I'm just trying to fill in some more gaps otherwise I will get misunderstood again. I have never been with any person before and not understood where they were coming from or why certain behavior was done.
I had wanted to remove the thread because my husband would take this as 'gossip' about him. I have printed it so I have got some good information to help.
Wondergirl - control - take back control of myself / don't let myself be controlled. Control what I allow to affect me.
JudyKay - I'm sure my husband is insecure (probably 2 prior divorces adds to that insecurity) and I'm working on Joe's comments to be positive. I just have 3years of 'stuff' behind me so I have to control what I allow to affect me.
Thanks guys.

I hope you want an honest opinion - I think you are dwelling on all of this unnecessarily and in great detail. Honestly - I'd let it go. Perhaps if you are/were less interested, had no comments or opinions, his focus would change somewhat. Or there's the other option - "this is not open for discussion. I don't want to hear about it."

I simply would refuse to be drawn into the conversation. "Who cares" is also a good answer.

I'm wondering if this all has to do with his brain's aging. My 66-year-old husband has entire conversations in his head and then sees me and says something that makes no sense to me, yet is part of a conversation he's been having in his head. He then proceeds to get upset with me because I have no idea what he is talking about and ask for the backstory.

Husband (out of the blue): So you'll get one for me when you're at the drug store?
WG: Get what?
Husband: What I need.
WG: What do you need?
Husband: Haven't you been listening to me?

I wonder if your husband gets a word stuck in his head (like we sometimes do with a song, an "ear worm" they call it), and then unconsciously injects it into future comments and conversations.

Oh, WE have entire conversations and then I'm the only one who recalls the conversation. It's called, "You never told me that."

I think it's a male gender thing.

Example - husband goes to his house yesterday to rake leaves (his daughter is living in "his" house while we live in "my" house). We have entire conversation about daughter and grandchild coming for dinner, that's why I'm cooking prime rib, what else to have with the prime rib, does grandson need a booster or can he sit at the table, be back before 6 because dinner is at 6:15. He gets to his house, daughter is out shopping with grandson. He gets home, daughter arrives right behind him - he's shocked to see her. What is she doing here?

Banging my head against a wall.

LOL, Judy. We may have to turn this thread into a wives' support group.

Bingo! But Judy the detail is to give you guys the idea of the frequency - I don't need to dwell on it because it comes back to me with regularity daily - more than daily, but I will try not to dwell on it as that is your honest opinion and I appreciate that will help. When Wondergirl said 'control' I thought, yes, I can control what I listen to and made myself extra busy to not hear his every word. He said cheeky just once yesterday - a friend phone and he told me to tell her about the cheeky people we met. Wondergirl - you just hit the nail on the head with 'conversations in his head', and I get the leftover bits that I have to make sense of - yes, I think it is the aging brain, it definitely has to be. Yesterday I was hemming 3 pairs of new trousers for him so he decided to take care of the roast after asking me how to do it. We printed off a simple recipe of Jamie Olivers topside roast which I told him I would put it on the bench for him when he needs to check. It was - put the veges and herbs in the oven dish, drizzle with olive oil, drizzle olive oil on the meat and rub in with seasonings. I thought he understood but left the recipe there anyway for him to check. He came unstuck after peeling the veges and honestly I think he forgot that I had especially put the recipe there for him to check. It's "what do I do now". I had to laugh to myself because when I showed him the recipe again, the look on his face was "oh that's right, there's the recipe you printed". He's a loveable man that's for sure. Then I asked him to iron out the hems later when I was finishing sewing the last pair and he returns the trousers to me with a bit of blood on them. I look and look for blood on my fingers - no I'm not bleeding anywhere, and he's not bleeding anywhere, and he bleeds a lot sometimes from scratching his arms a lot. So Ididn't figure that one out where the blood came from. Then he checks the sewing machine out to see if there is blood from me pricking my finger with the needle. He said "I heard you say 'ow' before". Two hours before that I had caught my finger in the hinge of my glasses and it pinched - but definitely no blood on my fingers, and the blood on the trousers was fresh to touch. Another baffling one! I even wondered if he got blood from the roast on it - but I didn't go there.
About the roast - he did a good job altogether, but we decided topside is tough meat. Judy I get what you meant about the dinner arrangement - these kinds of things happen here too. Well, then, it is probably best not to overtalk about this - as it will then look like picking on him for small things. What I wondered is if he has 'echolalia' - which is repeating other peoples words - a type of dementia. But you guys are great - thanks for your experiences - it sounds like you both have my husband. It's good to know some things are common.

I wonder if he has some form of anxiety and finds comfort in repeating the same words or phrases over and over. There's a word for that - WG is the expert and I'll bet she knows what it is.

Sort of safety within his zone?

Judy, yes, anxiety - probably over aging, not sleeping well needing to go to the bathroom at night, keeping me awake etc.

Let's trade husbands for a week, and I'll diagnose yours like I've diagnosed mine. :D

Could be little OCD or stress from sleep deprivation or a few brain cells dying off. My money is on you and how well you are going to handle it.

Wondergirl - you have made me laugh - it does lighten it somewhat - I think you are right - it does depend on how I handle it - I can handle it better if it is aging etc. - poor soul, that can't be helped, and me - I have pre-menopause, so that's a tricky mix I suppose. If it was deliberate though, that just rankles me as it would mean he was doing it for nothing. Yes, possible OCD as he is obsessive about a lot of things - if someone mentions a song/singer that is familiar to him he will search his music collection to find it and he won't give up until he does even if the other person says to him "don't worry, it doesn't matter", they can say that over and over to him and he will keep searching until he either finds it or is satisfied that he hasn't got it.
I have been helped though to get opinions from both yourself and Judy - very sensible and I appreciate not having been jumped on as I want what is good for him but I was feeling manipulated? So I wasn't going to allow that to continue - but mostly I wanted something up my sleeve to handle the situations that happen all the time. I appreciated Joe's comments too - good to hear a man's opinion - how men and women have obvious differences in thinking.

Don't forget -- women are the ones who are right.

Haha - I wish he could see it that way - but the perceptions are different. I'm going to make a super effort to try and reduce his stress and be helpful/useful to him. I'm so thankful you guys didn't jump me when I felt things were going down the gurgler. I have ammunition to work with now that you people feel it's not a serious marriage issue.

Please keep us informed with how it's going. We'll share our marital stories with you in return.

Aren't you glad you found us?? (Joe is my Internet "nephew" and Judy is a long-time Internet friend, so you're in good hands.)

As far as trading husbands - I know what I have, right, wrong or different. I don't know what I'll be getting.

I'll pass.