Today, I found out that my husband of nearly 2 years made a profile on a free sex website advertising that he wants women for "alternative" activities. I have been getting a bad feeling from him for awhile now, and when he changed his Facebook password, I became curious.. Tried to push the thoughts away because he "has never cheated" on a woman and will "never" do it, that I could "ask anybody" who knows him. I found this out when I looked in his email. I confronted him about this and he had several excuses - "you chat online at night when I'm at work" (yeah, with HIS cousin and a good friend of mine), "YOU MUST BE DOING IT TOO!" (nope, I sure ain't!), "why was you even looking in my email to begin with?!" (he looks at all my stuff.. He knows my passwords.. Well, he DID until today), and "I'm not going to argue with you, whatever." What do you guys think this means? For me, this is the icing on the cake. I put up with his "addictions," I deal with the fact that he doesn't bring home hardly enough money for us to survive on, and I sit by and listen to him call me horrible names. Right now, I am in no position to get a divorce - we have 3 kids at home and I am a full time college student as well, so I don't work. What should I do?

What should you do if leaving and taking the children is not an option?

Does he enjoy the "banter" on a sex site (not that that wouldn't upset me!) OR is he actively seeking someone? Maybe this is a fantasy. Maybe it's not. If he's active you need to protect yourself from any STDs he may bring home.

You need to take a look at options such as leaving or counselling.

Well, the sad thing is, this is my house that we live in.. Only one of the children is biologically his (and he threatens to take her if we split, although he can't prove me unfit). He has lied to me about a lot of things in the past. When we have nearly split up before, he has gone into a rampage. I just can't stomach the thoughts of me having to leave my own home. I just don't understand, what could "alternative" activities mean? I put up with a lot of his jackassery and this has put the icing on the cake. I just don't know what to do!

Alternate activities are three ways, positions you may not care for, watching instead of participating, same sex - a variety of things.

He cannot take YOUR CHILD unless you are unfit. He likes hearing the sound of his voice - that's an empty threat.

You mentioned 'other addictions' in the past, what were they.

It soes not sound like he even realizes that online sexual encounters, whatever they are or whoever they are with, are dangerous, and it is cheating. I suspect that the joining up is 'free', however, there must be a point where this is going to cost money. It would depend on what you want, and what you are willing to pay for.

I think it might be a good idea to start at the beginning. Sit him down in a quiet place, without interruption, and lay the cards on the table. Tell him his interractive porn is a problem, and putting a wedge in your marriage. You want it to stop. See what he is willing to address, and see if he can at least get past his excuses, blaming you, and appearing not to care.

If you have 'put up with' his addictions in the past, what resulted then, and is it any different now? Or is it worse.

I get the impression that 'putting up with' is not the same as 'resolving', and maybe no changes have been made. What I'm saying is, if he were to stop the online porn thing, would it make any difference? Is it just another thing you have to 'put up with?

Will he consider counselling? What would be the final straw to you. Living another few years until the verbal abuse, denial, and marriage fall apart even more?

If you aren't willing to see a counsellor on your own, (and he won't go) or book an appointment with a lawyer, or visit any number of womens' resource centres to find out what your options are, then the only alternative is to put up with it.

I already agreed with "Jake" but have to add - she said it far better than I did. Great advice, should be a sticky.

"What would be the final straw?"

I agree that Jake has given you some very valid things to think about. I would like now to add a few of my own.
There are many things I'd like to address and may miss some in this one reply. You say you sensed something was wrong before you found out about your husband's online activities. That could be important and I'd liked to know more about it.

What he is doing online, in my book, is scuzzy. I don't like it at all. Makes my skin crawl. AND I'm a Certified Sex Therapist. It's not that he's seeking Alternative Sex, but it's that he's your husband and is lying about it. Blame and Guilt are lousy tactics. Signs of a weak man.

It seems he verbally abuses you.. further abuse and loss of respect. You are a college student and know all this. Now what can you do?

There is research that suggests 'loser' (my word) guys will seek out women who will be better providers and who own their own home. You are not alone in this dilemma. Actually you are lucky to still be in college and not in a high earning position.. You might have had to pay him alimony to get rid of him as well as child support for his child.

I guess it's time to prioritize. First I would seek legal advice. If you leave, I'd make sure he can't get you for desertion. Whose name is on the deed to your home. It's a bigger problem if you added his name to the deed when your married. I think first.. you need to have some strong solid legal ground to stand on.

Please come back to me after you have that and we can take it from there. If you are afraid of this guy.. take you own little one and temporarily get out of there. Call a Women's Shelter and get an update on your rights.
Even though I'm a licensed psychotherapist, I'm not even considering counseling in your situation.

I see him as a brute, who won't change his ways, won't listen to reason and the sooner you are free of him the better. BUT.. I just had a thought.. how close are you to graduating? Will you graduate soon.. can you put up with him until then and then move out. Knowing you have that plan in mind might make his behavior easier to brush off. If graduating is a distant thing.. get your legal advice and get back in touch. We'll figure out the next best step.

'jackassery' is a great word! Hang on to your sense of humor. It will make your road easier.

There is research that suggests 'loser' (my word) guys will seek out women who will be better providers and who own their own home. You are not alone in this dilemma. Actually you are lucky to still be in college and not in a high earning position.. You might have had to pay him alimony to get rid of him as well as child support for his child.

I guess it's time to prioritize. First I would seek legal advice. If you leave, I'd make sure he can't get you for desertion. Whose name is on the deed to your home. It's a bigger problem if you added his name to the deed when your married. I think first..you need to have some strong solid legal ground to stand on.



I have consolidated your post. I absolutely agree with your relationship advice. However, please don't give legal advice. Your advice is not legally sound. I see absolutely no reason why this OP would lose physical custody of their child, causing her to pay child support to the custodial parent.

This is the last thing the OP needs to worry about at this point. I also do not see alimony when it's a marriage of a two year duration.

We also do not know what State she is in. State law matters.