My fiancŽ has a homo erotic fantasy of performing oraL sex on a younger man, WITH me . We have recently enjoyed talking of a threesome and just getting used to that talk he told me about this fantasy he has had for a long time. He swears he isn't gay and besides our emotional connection we have a very strong sexual connection. At first he said he thought he became so arroused with this'idea' because he never felt he could be honest about this fantasy until he had met me- yet I've told him I do not find this appealing ,and even after he said if I would watch a movie of this nature once in awhile he would be happy- he has continued to talk and get excited about this while we are having sex. I'm crazy about him and don't want to lose him. I'm truly happy he trusts me to tell me everything but I'm not sure that his truth is good for us,as a couple.

No straight man will have a fantasy of this kind, it will usually involve another female. If he truly loves you, he will not keep talking to you about this knowing very well that it makes you uncomfortable.

You might try explaining to him that you aren't making him give up his fantasy, but that it is a major turn off for you. It may be one of those topics that is filed under 'me' time. If he still continues to bring it up, don't pretend to enjoy it but get up and leave or change the subject to a more mutually pleasing topic.

Does he share all of your fantasies or do you have some he would prefer to not think about?

If you love him and all else is great, you might think about compromising with him and watching it every so often with him IF he agrees not to bring it up in bed.

I wouldn't put labels on him such as bi-sexual. It isn't that uncommon for straight people to think about sexual acts with someone of the same sex especially where threesomes are involved. After all, any way you go about it in a threesome you are going to have at least two people of the same sex in the bed.

It does bring up a question what your expectations for group sex are and if the two of you are anywhere close to having the same fantasy.

Thanks for the answer(s)
Especially yours cat1864...
In all honesty, I can't recall how the threesome 'idea' came to be..
When we first became intimate I would tell him that I would do anything for him,BUT share.
He would constantly assure me that he wanted no other woman and he never gave me ANY reason to doubt this.
It never occurred to me that I might question his sexuality..
When we spoke honestly about his wanting to perform felatio on another man- he told me how he would try to insinuate these desires to me soon after we had become serious.times when I would say I wouldn't share him with another woman how ,he says his answers were deliberate. How he was specific in letting me know he had no desire to have another womanjoin us. He had a dvd of a mfm threesome( bisexual porn) that he had left I lying around where he thought I might see it and had hoped it would excite me.
I don't remember our past in this way,but have no reason to doubt that's how he saw things.
I was never a very sexual woman. When I was younger it felt like an obligation that I wanted to avoid.I never gave sexuality-mine anyone else's much thought.
But falling in love with 'M'he has changed that.has changed me .he has shown me that sex can be fun and playful for the first time (and I'm 40yrs old)as well as a beautiful way to tell someone you love them. But
Getting back to a threesome.. once in awhile he enjoys the idea of me with another female. But has no desire for'her' to touch him in any way.he does get very arroused by thoughts me being with another man as he watches
He has on several occasions taken this fantasy to a place he knows I'm not into.taking it further than I can bare -sometimes descibing in detail how he and I would be pleasuring this other man together
I've (tried to) watch these bisexual mfm dvds but I cannot find anything appealing about them..
Over the weekend we'watched' one- I had my knee on the couch blocking my view in a way that wasn't obvious to him. We talked after,honestly.he proffessed his love for me and his appreciation.he told me how beautiful it is to have this kind of love where he doesn't feel shame for these thoughts- and that he can talk to me about them.he promised me that if I were to indulge him in this fantasy w/movies ONCE in awhile.. once a month that he would not ask to act out on these desires and I finally said to him that I feel as though I shouldgive him this. That I feel like I'm being closeminded, that in some way I'm in the wrong- simply because I am not arroused by this. He promised me that I am not wrong and that he will stop.. I tried explaining that I'm not asking him to bury his fantasy, that if he had a fantasy about one of my best female friends,or relatives I wouldn't want to hear it while he made love to me.. he said he understood,and I believed he did- but later,while having sex- somehow in the heat of passion, with words he went back there.
Cat- you suggested I walk away when he startstalking this way... this past month I've not encouraged this but I've not tried to shame him either. We may both be whispering back and forth but when he has gone to this place- I have stopped talking or tried to change the subject.. I think he gets so carried away in the heat of the moment he forgets all the promises made before. I just don't accept he simply doesn't care. That's not his nature ,he really is a wonderful man. He isn't perfect though he is about as good as they get and I'm so happy almost all of the time.. but for this.we have spoken about counciling and he has agreed but it seems to somehow get forgotten unil the next time.
I can only imagine how this question must read- my confusion is probably apparent and I appologize..
I guess my question is about peoples desires and fantasy.. I wonder if we hadn't nurtured it ,would it be growing like it seems to be. He says it himself,its always been there to some degree but once he was able to tell me about it -it seems to be stronger. And if that is the case- if we starve it,any chance it can go back to how it was so that even though he has this fantasy, the need to share it with me goes away?

I wouldn't be worried about fantasies he shares. I would be worried if I told him you would like to hear about the fantasies that disturb you OCCASIONALLY and he kept on talking about them all the time. That's a lack of respect.

If he gets carried away in the heat of the moment OR if he needs this fantasy to perform, then I'd wait until he's not in the moment and talk to him. I don't want to be the body when he's somewhere else enjoying himself in his mind.

I find fantasies in general to be a sort of Disneyland adventure - like to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.

No straight man will have a fantasy of this kind, it will usually involve another female. If he truly loves you, he will not keep talking to you about this knowing very well that it makes you uncomfortable.


Would you post the souce of your "no straight man will have a fantasy of this kind" comment?

I don't agree with you, have never read that straight people never fantasize about an alternate lifestyle. I do agree that he is being disrespectful.

I am trying to think of a gentle but firm way you can can explain the issue to him. You seem to care a great deal about him and don't want to hurt him, however, he is hurting you even if he doesn't mean to do so. He can have the thoughts but that doesn't mean he has to share them while having sex with you.

You are not in the wrong. Neither is he. You are learning how to communicate with each other to work together. It is a process that takes time and is on-going. If he is open to counseling, look into it together. Put it on the calendar of things to do so it isn't forgotten. Having another person talk with him might help reinforce that his needs are ignoring yours and it seems to be starting to damage your intimate relationship with him. Does it happen in other areas of your relationship?

Honestly, he sounds like a child with a new favorite toy. Hopefully he will lose some fascination with it and put it back on the shelf. Thoughts of it will probably always be there, but it doesn't mean he has to take it off the shelf to play with all the time.

When my husband and I share fantasies there is something for both of us in them. I am not seeing anything in his fantasy that you seem to be aroused by. Is there anything including how it affects him? What would you think about concentrating on him instead of the video on the rare occasions that you 'watch' one together?

Figuring out how to meet each other's needs while getting your own met is a balancing act. I will be honest from re-reading your posts that I am not certain how much balancing he is doing. I do see a bit of a red flag in that he won't bother you for 'more' if you watch a video with him occasionally. That sounds like a way to get what he wants one way or another and your only choice is how he gets it. Is that how it seems to you?

Take care of yourself and good luck.

Thank you both of you- cat1864 and judykaytee, just for answering. I have felt very alone with this
And that I've been able to share this - and get intelligent/nonjudgemental feedback is incredible.

In your first answer judy- you wrote

I don't want to be the body when he's somewhere else enjoying himself in his mind.
several weeks ago I actually did get angry and told him I felt like I was just his hand.. I really did feel that way. I didn't yell or scream, but it was an ugly thing to say.. it is an ugly way to feel.

And cat-
Your question for me to think about
in that he won't bother you for 'more' if you watch a video with him occasionally. That sounds like a way to get what he wants one way or another and your only choice is how he gets it. Is that how it seems to yo
I hadn't thought about it that way actually
And I think I hadn't thought about that in that way was that I... I'm not sure - I think in my heart maybe I was so desperate to stop it- even just for that moment.. it hadn't occurred to me.
You both have given me things to think about... as well as allowing me some peace/peice of mind concerning this part of my life.. I appreciate it greatly.
At least while I am thinking about it- I feel like I have a little perspective where I once didn't?
Thanks again

Please let us know how things work out or are working out.

Sit him down and talk to him. Sit yourself down and think about what you want and expect.

And let us know you're okay.

I really can't agree with the answer given that stated No straight man would have a fantasy of this kind, It will usually involve another female. Or the opinion that if a man truly loved a woman that he would see that this specific subject sincerely bothered her and would therefore cease entirely, any further discussions concerning the actual pursuit of this non-mutually beneficial sexual fantasy. And of course the request for her approval for the inclusion of another male for his sexual satisfaction should be discounted as it is solely for the pleasure and gratification of the male and should without any hesitance therefore have its importance denied immediately and designated as an absolutely illigitimate notion. The very idea of such a request is ultimately inconsiderate and without any doubt selfish beyond question. The product of a sexually degenerate imagination and infinitly offensive to the moral fibre of which society's very fabric is woven. While I do not agree with the suggestion that she find a way to get him from reaching his desired destination, (Nip it in the bud) I agree neither with the idea that he should calously press her with his need for the act which she finds to be undesirable. I suggest a compromise which both parties find acceptable and can live with. I see a storm brewing if no concessions are afforded by either partner. But I can assure the woman who wrote with this concern originally that as for my personal experience the entertainment of such fantasies of privately participating in one or more sexual activities with another member of the same gender as myself are completely normal occurrences deep within the minds of most Heterosexual men:) I promise just find some middle ground and work together to succeed. Marriage is a hard row to hoe but it'll wind up having been worth all of the hard work both of you put into it in the end! Good Luck:):):)