My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months and until this past week, we were deeply in love with each other and talking about building a future together.

Then last week while she was on my laptop I caught a glimpse of an email conversation between her and an ex-boyfriend. I made nothing of it but checked her messages again later that night. The messages - sent about a month into our relationship - were racy but they were a once-off, and when I confronted her about it she assured me she was just being provocative and there was nothing to it, which I believe. After all, she hasn't seen this guy in over 3 years, though they occasionally keep in contact. I apologized sincerely for snooping on her - she said she understood as she has done it before herself.

However there was another message to another man, sent about a week after we had met. Having asked her about this, I have learned the following:

We met one weekend in a club and hit it off - within a week we had had two dates where we chatted, held hands and kissed. The following weekend she went to a party with friends and had a one-night stand with another guy, which she says she regretted the next morning as she was so interested in me at the time. We had another date that week, but then the following day she emailed the guy, expressing how much she enjoyed the night and offering her number to meet up again. He never got back to her - she says she doesn't know why she sent the message and feels like she made a fool of herself. We had one more date that week and she invited me to her place for the weekend, where we had sex for the first time.

Since our first weekend together at her place, we have been deeply in love and devoted to each other, but I can't help but feel cheated by her one-night stand as I was crazy about her from day one.

Knowing that we were not exclusive from the beginning has come as a huge disappointment to me. Knowing she had a one night stand while dating me has changed how I see her.

I have so many questions:

Was it cheating, considering how early into our relationship we were?
Is she only with me now because the other guy never called?
This has hurt me so much - is it possible to move on from this or should I end the relationship and try again for the perfect romance?

I care about this girl a lot and know without any doubt that she cares about me and is completely in love with me now, but I'm tormented by this new revelation, despite the fact that almost 9 happy months have passed since then. Please, what do I do?

I have so many questions:

Was it cheating, considering how early into our relationship we were?
A week or a month after meeting?? I don't think so, despite some strong feelings, and jealousy on your part.
Is she only with me now because the other guy never called?
Who knows why she is with you, but despite your fears, and insecurities, she appears to be with you, even if your feelings are more intense than hers.
This has hurt me so much - is it possible to move on from this or should I end the relationship and try again for the perfect romance?
No such thing as perfect, but if you relax and learn to talk and communicate this could be fun, but if you get all emotionally carried away by your fears and insecurities, then you will never even have a good relationship.
I care about this girl a lot and know without any doubt that she cares about me and is completely in love with me now, but I'm tormented by this new revelation, despite the fact that almost 9 happy months have passed since then. Please, what do I do?
Acting like a scared chicken will change a females feelings fast and put a big strain on this relationship. If its as you say, why worry? Live today and let tomorrow be for now. After 9 months, you are just starting to know your partner, and should be having fun.

If you cannot, then its you who are assuming to much, and whose expectations are to high for only 9 months. Sometimes sex to soon makes you mistake love for lust, but in this case, I think its you battling against yourself, and making this feeling way bigger than it is.

Maybe its you who are not ready for that perfect relationship, and need to adjust your thinking a lot, and not be so carried away by your own FEARS.

Keep it loose. No reason to get all serious.

She may not be ready. Keeping her life open.

Date some other girls in the meantime.

"Since our first weekend together at her place, we have been deeply in love "

Whoa. Nelly.

The more desperate & controlling you are, the less attractive.

"without any doubt that she cares about me and is completely in love with me "

You can never put someone's feelings in your head. That's all in yours.

See what transpires. Take a chill pill & back off.

You will know if she's in or not. Its you & your rushing Im more concerned with.

And BTW, using your computer to chat with her ex & other guys is funky.

A red flag. You checking up on her is another.

Im sure you've heard the term, "Buyer beware"

Just don't let this girl use you.

Only she can tell you if she felt the two of you were exclusive right from the first date. If you were, and after that first date, knew things were moving toward a serious relationship, her having a one night stand, is risky, inappropriate behaviour. Actually under any circumstances.

Then after the second date, with you, she emailed the one night stand guy, and offered to meet up with him again. He turned her down, otherwise there likely could have been more of the same.

Then, after a month of dating you, she's sending sexually inappropriate email to her ex.

To me, it seems like strike one, strike two, and strike three.

I would be very suspicious of just how serious she is in having a serious relationship with you.

Because the relationship is still new, starting with founded suspicion of her, makes for a questionable road.

She's in, or she's out. It can't be she's sort of in, knowing that you are more serious than she is.

I believe that you are wise to reconsider a relationship with this girl, until you know for sure that she is able to maintain fidelity, and comittment, to you.

Until then, I would proceed with caution.

Thanks for the replies.

I thought I should give an insight into my girlfriend's perspective. Some years before we met she was dumped by her boyfriend of a year, who she was head over heels about. She was completely devastated and depressed for months. It was only in the month or so before she met me that she decided she wanted to try again with someone new. Even so, when we met she was understandably on her guard and unable to have an open heart for a long time (when she finally came around, the difference was tangible and our relationship has been absolute bliss ever since).

She has told me in the past (before these revelations) that she wasn't sure where she stood with me when we were initially dating, as I was quite stand-offish and difficult to read (I had virtually no experience of dating before I met her and was nervous - I must've done a good job of covering up how excited I was about her). Basically she was interested in me but had no idea whether I was interested in her.

When I think back, inviting me to her place that first weekend was the first sign of her choosing to pursue a relationship with me even though I believed things were going smoothly since day one. Our relationship definitely took on a whole new meaning that weekend and I can safely say she hasn't had eyes for anyone else since (the provocative response to her ex's message meant nothing - she has a feisty personality).

I want to accept that things between us didn't really get going until that weekend, but it's tough to have the fantasy that was the first two weeks blown away and I can't help but blame myself now for not being more forthcoming about my feelings on our first two dates. I also find it difficult to know that she was capable of a one-night stand - I always thought of her as a discerning woman with strong principles and integrity.

We are moving on, talking about the future again (with genuine excitement) and with each day that passes it bothers me less. However I still feel that she disregarded me that night and her complete loss of sexual inhibition with a stranger doesn't sit well with me. Am I being ridiculous here or am I right to still feel betrayed? Do I need to grow up and change my views on adult sexuality or is it reasonable to expect someone to be immediately faithful to a person they might view as a potential boyfriend? Is this going to haunt me forever?

As you can see I'm still wrestling with the details and struggling to come to terms with the difference between the woman I thought she was and the woman I now know her to be, but over the last few days my love for her has resurfaced and I actually feel closer to her than ever. There's no issue with trust here - the only obstacle to our relationship now is whether I can accept her as she is, accept that the first two weeks were not the fairytale I thought they were and finally put this to bed.

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.