Hi guys, I apologize in advance for this long story, but it is just complicated and those who read it, I appreciate it a lot!

Well, I met a girl on Facebook. At first we communicated there for over 6 months, exchanging messages on almost a daily basis. Initially she was a bit distant, but after a couple of months we really hit off and we talked longer and about more meaningful topics. Everything went so well, that she asked me to chat with her on ICQ because she wanted to talk with me more often.

The first two times on ICQ went really well, but then something strange happened. I did not came online for a couple of days and suddenly found out that she deleted me from FB and ICQ. I send her a new friends request and asked her why? she apologized and said it happened accidentally. She added me again, but was a bit more distant. A week later she suddenly began talking with me again on ICQ, saying that she was sad because she decided to temporarily split with her guy. I tried to support her, gave her advice, and so on.

From that moment on, everything became more intense. She deleted her profile on FB, but we would talk very regularly on ICQ for the next 6 months. It just became a normal thing for us to chat a couple of times during the week. Note that in this period, she quit her job, and temporarily quit university. For me these 6 months felt like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes she made me feel very wanted and said very sweet things to me (she would often ask me whether I would come online the next day, that talking with me was a daily need for her, that she would not be able to breathe if I left, etc. I guess she just needed someone to be there for her.

And sometimes she would be absent-minded or be gone for a couple of days without saying anything. At times I felt like air (sometimes very needed, but also invisible). I always treated her very well, I was never angry at her and never said or did anything to upset her. She would often ask me to wait for her 5 or 10 minutes when we chatted, while eventually leaving me in the cold for 2 or 3 hours. I never made a big deal out of it, because I didn't?t want her to feel uncomfortable.
After these 6 months things suddenly changed dramatically. On one day we had a normal conversation, and she told me to meet up with her on a specific date. I agreed, but she never came online that day. At first I thought that maybe she forgot, so I waited a few days. Eventually I decided to contact her on her new FB profile (she never told me she had one). I asked how she was and if everything was all right between us. Her reaction? well, she deleted everything, her profile picture, friends, status, etc.

I was dumbstruck and thought that she did not want to talk with me anymore for whatever reason. I wrote her a farewell letter and an hour later she suddenly phoned me on Skype. She apologized, told me that she did not know what came over her and asked me to forgive her which I did. She made a new profile on FB and ICQ and added me there. The strangest thing is? on the same day she suggested to talk on Skype every day, which never happened of course.

Everything seemed back to normal, but things would soon turn out to be different again. She suddenly became absent for a long while, saying absolutely nothing in advance. After a week of hearing nothing from her, I asked her about it and told her how I sometimes felt so confused.
She told me to exhale and, at first, explained to me that she was just tired during the day and wanted to relax in the evening. She said it was not related with me and that she would definitely write me, only she did not knew when. Later she told me because she had guests, and eventually that she was just too busy with her study. It was tough for me, because I assumed that surely she would have a minute to write sometimes. I realize now that I should have just waited, I just felt like I was losing her.

Over the next three months, things would remain like this. She became more distant and it seemed like every time when we talked, she was in a hurry or something. I would (too) often ask about this, and even suggested whether it would be better to take a break because I thought that it might be better to her, while I would also have some clarity. She never answered the question, only saying that everything was fine and that she would definitely write. She said that she was communicating less with everyone, and that she thought that I was a wonderful person but that she could not write as often as before.

In September everything seemed to be a bit better again. We send each other messages on FB, although her replies were very short. I would ask her how everything was at university for example, and she would not really answer the question, instead just asking me a question.

Late September I made a very big mistake. I woke up early on one day and saw that she was online. I asked her how she was. She did not answer, so I wrote her if she was busy? again nothing. Then I joked that it was going to be a monologue again and asked if I could write her later. I left and in the evening I saw that she still had not responded, even though she had been online for hours. I made the dreadful mistake of writing her again and asking if everything was still good between us. Again nothing?. then wrote, that I just wanted to know if she was still going to answer that day and that this was the lowest point after communicating with her for more than 1,5 years. I told her that I was not angry or something, but that I am a human and not a robot. Immediately after, I regretted writing those things and I apologized, asked her to forget everything and wished her a good night.
That same night, she deleted me from FB and ICQ, and even blocked me on FB which meant that I could not send her messages there anymore. I did manage to speak to her on Skype, again apologized and begged for a chance to explain everything. She told me that she deleted me because she already explained to me many times that if she does not respond immediately, then it means that she will respond when she has time. She told me that I just did not understand. She told me that she could not communicate every day and that I did not had to wait the entire time until she came online (while before she would always wonder where I was if I was not online for one or two days). I told her that I never wanted to communicate every day, and that for me the main thing was that to her it was comfortable. I asked if she could add me again, but she said that she did not want to. She told me that we would talk later and left.

I felt sad and scared, and on the same evening I wrote her a letter on Skype explaining everything. I decided to give her time and did not come online for a week. A week later she wrote me, asking me how I was. However, in the meantime, I already made a video message for her, because I wanted to apologize in person. I said that I understood her situation and that I behaved like an idiot, and that I wished I had understood her better and just been more patient. I asked her to forgive me, wished her all the best, and I told her that if she still wants to communicate with me, we would talk when it would be comfortable for her.

After I send the video message, I was online on Skype for the entire next week, usually almost the entire day hoping to see her and reconcile. I did not see her that week, but suddenly on one evening noticed that she deleted me in Skype (I guess she used the ?show me as offline? Function). This was one and a half week after I send the video message. I was very upset, and made a new profile on FB in order to send her a goodbye message. She also blocked that account, I don?t even know if she read it, and so far that has been it.

I know I ruined everything by being too pushy. She is the most instable person who I have ever met, but I just don?t want to lose her like this. For me the whole situation is just terrible. I don?t even know the exact reason why she deleted me. Was it because of the video, or because I was online so often on Skype which made her feel uncomfortable, or could there be another reason? Did I ruin it permanently?

I made a (normal) video for her and posted it on my FB profile. I did not send it to her, I just hope that someday she will see it. There is nothing left to do then wait.
Feel free to ask questions. Thanks in advance.

Though she seems to be unstable, that is not for me to judge.

It seems like you put so much time into her, why?


If you lose her, the best thing you can do is move on. If she is unstable, then let her be unstable.

But if she comes back, and apologizes, don't completely blow her off either. Perhaps university, or work is just becoming overly stressful, and she needed time. Point being is that you shouldn't stress about her too much. If she doesn't want to be your friend, then perhaps it's her loss.

Moving on can sometimes be the best thing to do. It may hurt, but it'll hurt worse if you let her keep doing that to you.

Hi fonnie,

From what I have read in your post you have been more than reasonable,in fact to a fault.

I know she is your friend but she is playing with your head.There have been many occasions where this situation could have been totally cleared up and long gone,she chose for what ever reason to play her silly games.

The best thing you can do is to walk away, leave her well alone, block every contact you have with her.
I have the feeling that she is hiding something that she does not want you to know,and if you have any sense you will move away from her.

She obviously does not value your friendship as much as you seem to,so take the hint,don't allow her to play her silly games any longer, do yourself a favor and move on.

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me.

It's true that I put a lot of time in her. It is just because I care so much about her, despite her flaws. My family and friends often told me that I put up with everything that she throws at me, and that she uses me and that I should quit talking to her, but I just can't.

I have known her for a long time and I can't just throw everything away. She just changes her mind so quickly and often. An example, at first, she was pushing me to talk with her on Skype, and when I agreed, exactly one minute later she changes her mind. It was hard sometimes, but I never made a fuss about it because I didn't want to blow things up.

I am not only sad that she left, I am sad that she would not even tell me or give me an opportunity to say goodbye after all this time. Earlier, I asked her that if we would ever quit talking someday, she would give me an opportunity to say goodbye, but at that time she acted like I was insane.

I understand that she deleted me because lately I was being too needy and constantly asking if everything was okay, although I told her sorry and said that I understood now, but I just felt it was really harsh to delete me because I have always supported her.

I was always there when she needed me and stayed up so many evenings to talk with her when she needed company, or to console her, etc. I always put her first and that is why it hurts me so much that one thoughtless action of me immediately has such severe consequences. I always thought that whenever we had a problem, we could talk things out.

Do you think that I scared her off with the video or by being "online" too much? I mean, why would she delete me all the sudden, one and a half week, after I send her the video message?

I really do hope that she comes back, and if she would, I would certainly forgive her. It is just that she has deleted and blocked me. My only hope now is that she changes her mind quit often, and hopefully she will think back someday and forgive me. I've decided not to write her anymore, as it will annoy her even more, and just wait and hope.

@Orphan

Yes, I know that she is not good for me, but it is hard to walk away when you are already so emotionally invested in a person.

When we started to communicate less, I told her that I sometimes just missed her, but she got annoyed because she had to explain everything to me again. Before she deleted me, I already sought for an opportunity to talk about the situation. Just one good talk to clear everything up and to leave it behind us. But usually, she was always in a hurry and telling me the same things.

On evening I asked if she could phone me on Skype when she had time, but she said that she was would not call that evening because she was busy reading for school. She told me that she treats me very well and that she herself would write (in other words, I just had to wait). According to her, study was just more important.

I understood of course. I could not even believe that she thought I would think otherwise. Earlier when we talked a lot, she was preparing for an important exam the next day and I had to go to the pool that evening so I told her that I thought it would be better to talk another day and that she should prepare for her exam... her answer: "Write me when you come back from the pool, I will still be here. Excuse me, but now I have to read" and she put her status on "busy"... just like that.

I guess that everything (the frustration of not being able to talk normally with her about the situation) came out that day when I wrote her multiple times on FB. I was just happy to see her and all I wanted to do was say "Hi, how are you"... instead everything spiraled out of control.

After she deleted me from FB and ICQ, I felt so bad, I just wanted an opportunity to explain everything, but she left so quickly. She acts like I want to talk with her for hours every day, while all I want is to sometimes say hello to her and to ask how she is doing.

I would start trying to build relationships face to face.

Way better that way.

Like it used to be. Actual human contact.

I knew someone like this too... it was hell. Emotional rollercoaster. In fact, this person you wrote about sounds like her... I wonder... lol. It sounds like she made you always feel like you were wrong and I bet anything that happened was your fault as well. I bet she beat you up with her words quite often. Anyway...

To be perfectly straight with you... you will be WAY better off without having to deal with that. Seriously, you will. It may not seem like it right now but trust me on this. Try to forget her and move on. She was playing with you and nobody deserves to have that happen. You seem like a real decent guy and I bet you could do better. Just give it time... you'll be OK.

Good luck to you.

@Odinn7

Thank you for the kind words, yes, I know that in the long term I will be better off without going through the mix of emotions that she always gave me, but at the moment it is still difficult at times. Sometimes I feel sad, then angry, then empty, and then perfectly fine. It is really weird.

To be honest, I always made myself feel wrong... she always told me not to apologize. I would always try to accommodate her. When we were chatting and she wanted to drink tea with her mum, got a phone call, or something, I would always tell her to go or to take all the time she needed. I truly did not mind, because I wanted our relationship to be convenient to her, probably to a fault because I never stood up for myself. And it is probably, why knew she could get away with everything, because she knew that I would never be angry at her.

If I am very honest, I always knew that I was used. The first 6 months on FB were normal and nice, just the following 6 months on ICQ were a roller coaster ride. Sometimes she made me feel very significant and sometimes she was distant or absent and she would apologize and tell me that she had errands to run.

I always thought that this was related with her BF situation. In December she was very sad and decided to take a temporarily break with him and in this period she could not sleep and we would talk everyday (she would ask me to come every day). This went well until the end of January and suddenly she was gone for an entire week. Then she suddenly contacted me again in the 2nd week of February and the next day told me that she was in love, and that her significant other probably hated her.

And this situation continued with her sometimes very needing me and sometimes being absent-minded. It was hard for me because the situation was always so black-and-white, so extremely different. May was the epitome... in the first 2 weeks of May she could barely have 10 minutes to talk to me, but in the last two weeks it was like she had hours to spare. When I would arrive later on ICQ, she would mention it casually like "Wow, you are late" (though we never set exact times to meet), and she would not want to go to sleep and even asked me if it would be possible for me to come online earlier. One day she even told me that she deliberately went to sleep during the afternoon, in order to see me in the evening - who does that!! I felt a bit of pressure, and even deliberately came later online and noticed that I was relieved when I saw that she was not online meaning that I would have a free night. I never thought I would be relieved not to see her (now, I want the opposite of course).

For me it was just hard to accept (and comprehend) that the situation could change so much during the summer. That earlier she would always be on ICQ and have some time for me, and suddenly she can't even have a couple of minutes for me. I didn't knew or maybe believe that she would be that busy.

I guess that I did't knew her that well. I always liked her a lot, but she told me that people around her always thought badly of her. I just never understood why she needed me of all people, when she she probably knows enough other people who can talk with her and keep her company. Probably because she knew that I would always be there for her... what do you guys think?

After the debacle on FB, when she deleted me there and on ICQ, I thought that I lost her and wanted to make a video message for her to save things. My sister told me to give her time, that she would come back because every girl likes to have the security of having a "fall to guy"... and she did write me on Skype a week later... until I send her the video message.

She deleted and blocked me now, so I don't know if everything will be okay again. Right now, I think it is just better to give it time, so that at least I can try to continue with my life. I don't know who is better off in the end... maybe me

Have you actually met this girl?

In person?

@vanheart

No, it is really difficult since we live in different countries. She sometimes jokingly invited me to visit her, but I did not want to make things awkward, so I jokingly played along but never seriously answered or brought the topic up myself. I did not want to freak her out or something, you know.

I was just always happy with what we had, just a very nice conversation partner with whom I got along wonderfully. I never asked or hinted that I wanted anything more, although later she thought that I wanted to talk every day which was not simply true. I explained this to her and apologized for giving her this feeling. I told her that I wish I had understood everything earlier and better and would have given her more time.

We only met on Skype, and we always had very pleasant conversations there. She suggested to talk with me on Skype because she wanted to know if I was actually the same person on my FB (she even tracked my IP address!). She is just a very reserved person, and I always respected that.

Maybe she deleted me because she felt too much pressure, since I was online the entire week on Skype after sending the video message, and it freaked her out. For me it was just weird, because we know each other so long and we never ever had problems before.

Trust me on this... she was using you as an emotional crutch. As I said, I went through this. You were the one that was there to make her feel important and like she mattered when she didn't feel the people around her could do the same thing for her. She has probably found someone else that will do this for her now and so you are no longer needed.

I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to give you a realistic look at this. Forget her. Don't keep waiting for her to get back to you. You're only going to go through more pain if you deal with her again... and the more you do, the harder it will get for you. Cut your losses now, forget about her, and no contact with her... it's your best defense.

@Odinn7

It's okay, you're just being honest and I appreciate it a lot! In fact, I want to thank everybody who has responded so far, it feels really good to share my feelings here and to listen to your thoughts.

Yes, I know that she needed me as an emotional crutch and to be honest I was okay with it, because I think that sometimes when you're hurt or sad, it is very nice to have a person who is willing to listen to you. That's what friends are for. She was only an "internet friend", but I just really started to care for her and wanted to help and support her.

She once told me that she considered that her biggest flaw was that she treats a person too well when she takes a liking to him, but that in the end no one appreciates it. It sounded to me that she already faced a lot of disappointments, so I told her that I would not let her down. At first, she was also afraid that I would become tired of her, but I told her that I would always be there for her when she needed. She once even asked me: "And what if I never grow tired of you...?"

I don't know if you know the film "(500) Days of Summer". Basically it's about a guy who is very much in love with a girl. They get into a relationship and everything is wonderful, until suddenly she becomes detached and suddenly breaks up with him out of nothing. We talked about this film, and she told me that she cried for him and that she could not understand why the girl was so mean...

Because she always seemed to be such a sweet and caring person, I never expected that she would do the same thing to me. I guess, that I just hoped that our relationship was better than that, that she could also treat me normally when she did not have any problems like she did earlier prior to ICQ. But she is only a 20-year old girl (I myself am 25 years) so I often forgave her. She did tell me that she easily forgives people, which is why it is hard for me that she can't give me a second chance after treating her very well for such a long time. I just can't believe that she is throwing everything away because of a stupid mistake of mine.

Even now, I still mostly blame myself, or rather, I still believe the fault lies mainly with me... that I should have given her more space (which I honestly should have done) and that I scared her away or made it so uncomfortable for her that she grew tired of me. I try to explain and rationalize her decision to myself.

I don't know what I would do if she would ever talk to me again. At the moment, she deleted and blocked me, so I am just clutching at straws and hoping that everything will be okay again, in the sense that she would just be in my life again, even though I sometimes wonder if she is worth it.

What I see from every post you make here is that you keep blaming yourself. Knock it off. Stop, OK? Perhaps you were too pushy, I don't know... but if you were, then she should have simply said something. Lack of maturity on her part is where I would place the blame.

Stop kicking yourself over this. She used you, she had enough, she's gone. Not your fault!

@Odinn7

Yeah, I know, but thanks again for telling me. I guess it is just because I still can't believe how everything could have changed so much because of such an small, innocent mistake. It probably also says a lot about her, how she treats people. If she truly believes that she treated me very well (her own words), then I don't even want to know how she normally treats people.

I know that I am acting stupid right now, and I am sure that with time everything will become better and I will start to see things from another perspective. At least I myself know that I always treated her very well, so I guess it her loss if she can get over it so quickly.

Step away from the computer, and get some reality in your life as you are to consumed with a far off stranger to be healthy. The time you spent in this on line fantasy world could have been used for more piratical purposes than wasting on a strange loony tune.

Sorry, but you should slap yourself and hard, and find better things to do with real people.

Hahaha, very true... trust me, I tried and I will continue to try. Just it's still pretty fresh, so I just need a bit of time, but I am sure that everything will be much better! Thanks!

Btw, during the time when we communicated I have tried to step away (for my own sanity). Just, sometimes when I did not come online for even 1 or 2 days, she would make a comment on it, making me feel guilty for not being there or warning her in advance.

During the summer I noticed that she was absent-minded, busy, or simple not interested - she would not write, and when I wrote to her it was like she had no time. I got a bit fed up with the situation and carefully suggested whether it would be better to take a temporarily break.

But she never directly answered my question, she only said that everything was fine and that she would definitely write, only she did not knew when (not even whether it would be within days or weeks). It was just frustrating because from her actions I could make out that she didn't want to communicate at the time being, but at the same time I myself had to be "available" all the time. Ugh, it was just confusing at the time, but looking back I can much better understand what was going on. I just wish, I saw it earlier.

The important thing is YOU SEE IT NOW! You can start now to act appropriately for yourself. Forget her.

Yeah, thanks. Looking back, I was just very ignorant. I just always thought very highly of her and never could have imagined that she would treat me or any person like she did.

This was never a real relationship.

There's no sense in wasting time on someone that doesn't make you feel good.

Online or not.

Yes, I know it was a not a real-life relationship, but after such a long time you'd still expect that someone could at least treat you normally. But obviously it is true, if someone makes you sad, then it is not worth it.

"you'd still expect that someone could at least treat you normally"
I would hope so.

That's the whole point.

YOUR expectations.

As soon as you remove this problem, you can move on.
Chalk this up to a past lesson.

Actions speak louder than words.

You're right, it is just that I just always try to believe that if you treat people well, they will treat you the same or at least with respect, although this is certainly naïve. With her, I just really believed that she was a decent and good person with courteousy, I guess sometimes we can be truly mistaken in people.

We make mistakes in figuring people out, especially when feelings get in the way of facts, but once we get those facts, we have to be able to make adjustments based on those facts, and not just our own feelings.

Some times that's not so easy, and it sucks for a while. But we still have to do it for our own well being.

Very well spoken. I totally agree, my mind was just clouded. When we were still communicating, my family and friends, like you guys here, often told me that I deserved better and that I should ignore her, but I was always trying to find excuses to explain her behavior and even putting the blame on myself, telling myself that I was just too needy which I probably was... but in the end I sincerely apologized to her and if she breaks off whatever relationship we had over something like this, then I guess it says a lot about her as well.

She sometimes really treated me very well, or rather, said very sweet things to me that just made me feel very appreciated as a person. Even then I knew that some of the things that she said were just not normal to say, but at that moment you just let it all pass. It was during moments when she did not treat me well, that I always thought of everything that was good in her and I guess it is why I accepted so much.