Hi

Although I am a mature, divorced woman with children, I don't know how to handle my current situation. I have been with my partner for 2 years and it's never been a smooth relationship and I probably should have got out a long time ago but I believe I have had issues with self-esteem, which I am slowly trying to improve. I actually ended the relationship after 6 months but he begged, pleaded and made me feel guilty for doing so; I eventually let him back into my life. 18 months later and I have decided 100% that this relationship is not healthy. However, I am afraid of him for the following reasons:-
On several occasions, usually after we have been drinking alcohol, he becomes very opinionated and starts belittling me and my family so I retaliate (having the courage to because I've had a couple of drinks) and it often escalates into physical violence with him striking the first push or slap, I try to walk away but he physically stands in my way, as though he wants me to hit back, which I have sometimes done. Last week this happened and I was trying to get away when he slammed my head into the wall and split it open. Thank fully I didn't need hospital treatment. In the morning he is always sorry and puts it down to the fact that we were drunk.
Now, I know this isn't right, I also know that I probably should steer clear of alcohol if this is what happens but I have become to think that if we can't enjoy a civilised evening out and a few drinks - what is the point in continuing?
I have tried to end the relationship a few times but when I have done so, he glares at me and clenches his fists and says that he will not let it happen. He then makes me sit and listen to him for hours whilst he calls me names, threatens to tell people secrets I have divulged to him and for these reasons I have been just hanging on in there, trying to make things OK and telling myself that I am the problem, I am low in self-esteem and I need to get a grip but it's not working - I am actually going a bit crazy with it all.

My kids don't like him that much (they say he is odd), I know my parents don't approve of him (they haven't said so but I know my parents!), my friends are dropping like flies. I need to get out but I don't have the courage or the drive to.

It hasn't been constantly bad, there have been good times but the bad is always there in the background waiting to raise its head on the next occasion. We don't agree on many things, he is racist, he calls other women 'slags' and he speaks in a nasty way about ex-girlfriends and his ex-wife. He loses his temper with other road users, he is very very opinionated and doesn't know when to keep his mouth shut so as to avoid upsetting people, he just doesn't care. Don't know what to do, think its all my own fault for letting it get this far. We don't live together, he comes to my house 5 times a week and has began to slowly bring his stuff over and has asked to move in but I have said that there isn't enough room. Help please, don't know how to handle this.

You run not walk, away, NOW. This is common for battered women, who will soon start to feel the beating is their fault, or they deserve it.

Why is he not in jail, why have you not called the police when this happens?

If these fights are fueled by drinking, and both of you are being physically abusive with each other, then the two of you, together, are a heartbeat away from both landing in jail- or worse.

You can identify the problems, at least as far as him knowing what buttons to push to get an argument going- i.e. your family, carefully chosen words about you personally, etc. I suspect you do the same to him, and know which buttons to press.

Neither of you are going to improve what is not fixable.

For the sake of your children, get out.

Consider counselling to gain the insight and understanding you need in order to a) not take him back, and b) figure out how to live a healthier life with a sober outlook.

There are many resources available to you to being changing yourself, and providing a better life for your children as a result.

The biggest problem you face right now, is deciding to change, and making it happen. Nobody can do that for you.

When I say I 'retaliate', I mean I am defensive when he starts. I don't push his buttons at all, I've never been that way. I did try to call the police one occasion and he grabbed my phone and threw it out of the window. I know that I must get away but I am scared of his reaction when I tell him and I think that is one of the reasons I've been delaying it for so long. It's not just his immediate reaction but the begging and pleading that will follow. I don't consider that I have a problem with alcohol as the most I will drink is 2 or 3 glasses of wine, maybe once a fortnight and we don't fight every time because mostly I hold my tongue when he starts but when I do defend myself that's when the trouble starts.

Get rid of him, and stop drinking. Problem solved. Then you can keep working on yourself esteem, and make your kids, and family happy, and all of you safe from this drunk bully.

I agree, you should have been gone long ago.

Do you have a friend who can be around when you tell him you don't want to see him anymore.
Tell him over the phone, if he gets physical with you have him arrested.

I would lock the doors, call the authorities & get far away from him.

Talk to some local social services. Now. Protect yourself.

Figure out later why you took him back. Do you like his treatment?

Drunk bully is right!
You're letting him.

It takes two.

"it's never been a smooth relationship"

We don't live together, he comes to my house 5 times a week

Have the police ever been called to your house? Have you considered a restraining order against him? Why haven't you had or asked for police assistance to have him removed from your home when things turn violent.

You will need to get support by having someone with you, when you tell him, he is no longer welcome in your home. Give him an hour to get his gear out. Be prepared the same day to have the locks changed, and as soon as you can, get a restraining order.

I hope he doesn't have access to your banking, or that you share any financial resources with him, i.e. credit cards.

Thank you for all your answers. I wanted to provide an update because the responses helped me. It all came to a head very suddenly and I didn't really have to do anything. One afternoon, we had been arguing and I told him that things weren't working out and that I felt it would be better if we ended the relationship. My two sons (15 and 20) were in the house at the time and we were in the bedroom. He called me a slag and then proceeded to say that I was a slag because I had slept with him the previous week. My eldest son overheard him and came into the bedroom shouting at him and basically saying 'how dare he call his mum a slag', unfortunately my son also threatened to hit him if he didn't leave the house immediately; which he did. Problem is... I still have a lot of his stuff and I owe him some money so he is constantly on the phone and texting asking for it all. I want to give it him back but I don't want to see him again. He is also threatening to go to the police and tell them that my son threatened him ! After all he put me through tut.

Give him a date that he can pick up his things. Set them in a box outside, then you don't have to deal with him.
I doubt he will call the police on your son. This is just his way of controlling the situation.

Doesn't matter what he says, pack up his stuff and ignore him. Even if you did repay him, he would find an excuse to bother you, so keep the money. You need it more than he does. But that's just me and my evil thinking.

Thanks, I've been ignoring him but the texts don't stop and are getting more detailed. This is what happened last time I broke up with him; he just wouldn't leave me alone to get on with my life. Every time I turn on my phone there are texts from him. He even resorted to texting my 16 yr old daughter last night telling her how he knew people who were police officers and was going to report my son for threatening him so I replied to him and reiterated that it was over and that he should come and get his belongings.

Its as though he doesn't understand what I am saying. I turned my phone on this morning and there were 10 text messages with various threats and nasty words about how I have used him (for what I really don't know; he helped me move house a few weeks ago, he lent me money for a rental deposit but that's it). I think he has a screw loose and wish he would just leave me to gather my thoughts and move on.

You need to report him for harassment. Save all of the texts

I would report him but I am scared that he will drag my son into it for threatening him. Its been over a week now and the attempted contact from him is worse. He is now saying that he is going to get other people involved to harm my son but if I go to the police about it he will just say that he was threatened. I sent most of his things back to him in a box but he is pestering for a couple of things I forgot and saying that he wants to meet me to get the money I owe him. He says he will not come to my house because of what happened. Obviously I will not meet him but until I give him everything, he has every reason to try and stay in contact. Really fed up with it all and I have important things going on at work next week which I am unable to think about clearly.

He's counting on the fact that you will eventually give in because you did before. Stick to this break-up. You are obviously afraid of him and for good reason. If you have some of his things, can you send them to him? Is there a mutual acquaintance who could give him his things? Do it now so you can get on with your life.

About the texts and calls to you and your daughter, look into having his number blocked. Of course, he could still call or text from another phone. I was receiving anonymous calls over about a two month period earlier this year. They were more annoying than anything, but I decided to change my number. The phone company didn't charge me anything because of my reason to change my number. I thought it was going to be a big hassle as I'd had the number for years, but it wasn't that big of a deal. I let my contacts know, and then enjoyed the end of the calls.

I think this statement of yours, "Obviously I will not meet him but until I give him everything, he has every reason to try and stay in contact," is making excuses for his bad behavior. I also hope you aren't letting him see your fear at his threat to go to the police about your son. It seems to me it is an idle threat as his behavior has been much worse than your son's protecting you. You son didn't even touch him. If you have kept his threatening texts, you have the proof you need. Until you take care of things, you won't be thinking as clearly as you want. Get this bully completely out of your life and start healing now. Don't give him anything more to work with (i.e. don't talk to him or respond to him). It will be a huge weight off your shoulders. Good luck.

I have decided to change my number, my new SIM card should be arriving tomorrow so that will be better. I am going to get some postal orders and send the money to him via special delivery and I also have a couple of bulky coats that I will send by parcel. The texts got too much for me, they turned really nasty and I have saved some of them but not all as he jammed up by inbox. I also began to get drunken calls last night so feel that it is definitely for the best to change my number. I just hope he doesn't follow through on his threats to send people to my house as a later date because he has indicated that he wants revenge and that I have 'ruined his life'. That is my only worry now.
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my problem, I don't have many friends and it really helps to be able to tap into a resource like this site.

I'm glad you are taking those positive steps. The most important thing here is consistency. Keep avoiding him. Don't respond to him in any way. Get rid of his stuff as you plan, and even if he thanks you don't respond. He will likely try a few ways to get you to respond, including his drunken calls, nasty texts, and even trying to be nice. Don't be surprised if you receive flowers, apologies, etc. Whatever you do, don't respond. Remember, he has shown his true self to be a bully and likely dangerous.

You didn't ruin his life. He did. He's trying to make you feel guilty so you'll get involved again. Don't fall for it. Keep on this course and you will start feeling stronger and more in control as time passes. If you ever have any doubts, read this thread over again. You are doing the right thing. If you feel you are in danger, talk to the police.

I would suggest that you start putting some thought into what you want to do with your life now. Keep it positive. You may not have many friends now, but you have your kids and your parents. You also have all of us. We will help you get through this and will celebrate your victories with you. When you feel down, post about it. When you have a good day, post about it. You will get a lot of support here. Again, good luck.

Good for you! Keep that up.

Also tell everyone what you are doing, authorities included. There's no shame in that. (They will be glad you did so)
Keep close contact w/friends & family. Try to not travel, walk alone & such.
Be careful.

I hope he gets the message & leaves you alone, once & for good.

Not trying to worry you, but I've seen some similar situations that have escalated tragically.
Just be smart & conscious.

My new number arrived so that is changed now, which has made it better. I also blocked his emails but I can't block my work email so he has resorted to that now. What seems to be getting to me now is the feeling that when he sends an email saying how 'it is digusting, the way I have treated him and the way I am ignoring him' I need to somehow defend myself and begin explaining myself all over again. I haven't replied though. Still not sent his stuff back yet but planning to do so on Saturday morning. He also said that he wants the money I owe him in cash but that's not really possible as I don't want to see him and don't want to send it through the post so not sure about that one. Postal orders will leave me out of pocket as I have to pay £12.50 for every £250 order. I may just send him a cheque with a note 'it's this or nothing'.

Once again, save all the correspondence you get from him so you have proof of harassment. Don't respond to him. Get his stuff to him then he should have no reason to contact you.

If you can't block the e-mails at work, just don't read them. I'd look into identifying them as spam so they go into your spam box instead of your inbox. Do you have an IT department that could block the e-mails?

You are right not to pay in cash. You not only don't want to see him but you want proof of payment. Do banks there issue certified checks? If not, I like your idea of sending a check. You might want to make a post on the legal board to see if there is something else you can do to protect yourself - maybe some wording as to full and final payment, for example.

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Make the bum wait for his money, and block his emails to work is a great idea.

I agree.

Just never respond. Or look, if possible.
Forget what you owe him. Nothing, I say...

How much is pain worth?

Send his crap. Suck it up & keep doing what you are doing.
The right thing.

Here's a funny story. My first real love ask for for the couple hundred bucks she had lent me.
For a Moog. I was broke & in college.

I was so desperate, even after I found out she was sleeping with her co-worker.
I ended up giving it back to her.

Karma works in lots of ways.
I never should have.

Wish I still had that Moog.

Thanks all for your help with my problem. I emailed him from a temporary email account and sternly said that I intended to seek legal advice and appoint a solicitor to act as an intermediary with regard to paying back the money I owed him. It was very straight to the point; he responded with his bank account details so I have been able to pay it that way. Thank god that is now done. I then deleted the email account immediately so that any attempted communication to it just failed and bounced back. The texts and emails have stopped now as he has no way of contacting me. BUT I have had 2 letters through the postal system and 1 letter hand delivered very very early one morning (he drives through my town to work at 6am). The letters aren't threatening, they are just an attempt to get me to contact him to talk and he tries to make me feel bad for dumping him saying that he did everything for me and that I was his life etc etc. I haven't responded. Each day is getting a little better but I feel down and lonely sometimes. Finding it hard to concentrate at work also but I am trying to be strong. I will not contact him, I know that, but I really want to get back to feeling normal. Thanks again. Dee.

You will in time feel normal again, once you get back into the swing of your life, and put this behind you. One day at a time. A few good days will surely help, so treat yourself to something very nice.

Ah well, I came down with the flu and then a chest infection (probs due to all the recent stress). Just starting to get better. All his stuff is now returned but I am still getting letters through the post a few times a week. Mainly begging for me to contact him and saying that he doesn't deserve being ignored after all the times he took me out and paid ! He likes to remind me of everything that he did for me but doesn't mention the nasty, horrible way he behaved on many occasions. I haven't crumbled even though the loneliness is kicking in now, especially since I have had time off work and been pretty much housebound with this damn illness. It helps to post on here and I have been trying to contact some old friends. I am meeting up with a couple of them over Christmas. But I am looking forward to getting back to full health, getting back to work and maybe starting a new hobby or course in the new year. It doesn't help when I get letters (and a Christmas card) from him as it drags up everything inside my head.

I'm sorry you have been poorly;it's good you are making plans for the future.

Bin his letters etc without reading them,if he keeps writing to you, see a solicitor and have them contact him about harassing you.

Focus on healing and moving on.

Take care.

Im giving you respect. You are doing all of the right things. Stay on track.

Glad you are realizing what comes with NC. Satisfaction comes later, amongst the heartache.

That was all unfamiliar territory for me too. Being strong & understanding who's important. Tripping & digging.

Sometimes we forget. Ourselves.

Let him send all the letters he wants. A weird & twisted attempt. Desperate. Ewww,, My ex did the same in other ways.
If I were you you, I would rip them up at my mailbox, then chuck 'em in the garbage. Without even looking.

Your are going to go though some stages, all normal. Sucks, but enlightening. Ups & downs.

All I know is that fun & happiness is better than feeling bad,

Striving to repeat the fun. Understanding what feels good & what doesn't.

Been feeling much better. Last week I met up with a couple of friends and had dinner with them which was nice and refreshing. I thought I had heard the last of him and was feeling very relieved and as though I had turned a corner but then yesterday, I got a message to my work email, telling me he is ill. Of course I didn't respond. I have managed to direct anything that comes from his email address to the junk but I can see it still there when I log in as marked 'unread'. I know it would probably be better not to open them but I feel as though I need to know how he is thinking and be one step ahead in case he starts getting nasty and making threats. Anyway, I bounced it back to him with a 'failure to deliver notice'. He isn't the brightest person I have met so hopefully he will think the mailbox is closed and give up!

I also keep wondering how his mind must work; it's been 6 weeks since I told him a wanted to end the relationship and he is still attempting to contact me and win me round, telling lies and trying to manipulate me into calling him. If someone had told me it was over and then totally ignored me, I certainly wouldn't bother keep trying. I think I need to get busier and stop playing at attempting to analyse his behaviour !

You are correct Dee, more you, less him. Doesn't take a lot as you see to stir up old feelings.

Have fun, you deserve it.

Good for you Dee, Im proud of you.

Keep up the good work.

Its OK to feel lonely, but always know that you are never alone.

Have more good times with your friends. Repeat happy times.
Don't repeat unhappy ones.

I managed to get through Christmas and I'm looking forward to the New Year. I haven't contacted him; its been 8 weeks since the break up. I still get letters through the post that are all about him, he is full of self-pity, he says he is on anti-depressants and can't cope with life. How long does it take for someone to pull themselves together, accept what has happened and try to move on? I am hoping that he will stop trying to win me over now that Christmas is over so that I move on 100% instead of seeing letters dropping on the doorstep.

Keep up the good work.

Try ripping the letters up. Don't even open them. They will stop.

His life is h I s life; don't even open his letters; bin without reading.

Don't feed in to his energy; I g n o r e!

Big sigh... the letters are still dropping on my doorstep. A friend of mine saw him with another woman just after New Year so I don't understand why he is continuing to write to me. I have been throwing them into a box on top of my wardrobe without reading them. I decidede to keep them in case things got worse and he started coming by the house or stalking me and I needed proof to go to the police.

I opened the latest one yesterday (18th Jan, almost 11 weeks after break up) because I thought it might be telling me he has moved on but no, it was the opposite. It basically said that HE has decided to carry on trying because he loves me that much and is not going to give up. Still ignore? He is like a headache that will not go away no matter how many pills you take.

Tell him again to leave you alone, or you will get the cops involved. Don't waffle, or negotiate, and don't meet him in person. Letter or email, get to the point, short and swe>LEAVE ME ALONE<et!!

Be willing to back up your words. If you are scared of him, let your friends know his attention is unwanted.

Ok, here goes. Just hoping he doesn't see this as something it isn't (his long awaited reply).
I just put a note in an envelope addressed to him 'I thought I had made it clear that the relationship was over but you are continuing to attempt contact which is unwanted and constitutes harassment. Please leave me alone. It is over'

Now that you've made it very clear that any attempt at contact is totally unwanted,be prepared to take legal steps to get him out of your life.

It seems to me you have a stalker.

See your solicitor and get legal advice.

Take care.

Do not open another letter from him, you don't care if he moves on, he can be sitting alone drunk 10 years from now, who cares. You worry about YOU>

Just throw the letters away or if they are mailed put them back into the post refused.

Dee;

He is stalking you! Period! YOu need to go to the police immediately. I have been in this situation and it is emotionally draining and very scary. Why does he still write you? The women's resource centre counsellor explained to me that he wanted to know what I was doing if I moved on with my life and intimidation. You need to have an order against him so he cannot write, call, or come near you. The police can put you in touch with a women's resource centre and VWA (victims witness assistance). Should you terll him to leave you alone? Absolutely Not!! That is what he wants is for you to talk to him and keep those lines of communication open. Negative or not. Men who are abusive and controlling have mental health issues that are not being treated. Whether ASPD, NPD, BPD. But, don`t make his problems yours. Take your power back. Don`t do what I did. Lock yourself in your house. These men want total control. They don`t know what love is. I`m concerned for the girlfriend he has now. He will eventually do the same to her.

Please call or go to the police station. They will be able to help you and protect you from him. They did me and it`s been a little over a year later.

Please take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you Dee. Be safe!