Last night I went onto my BF's computer to show him where I am taking him on a holiday. I went to Google to search and a long list of Google searches related to RedTube came up. I didn't get angry and go crazy about it, but I wanted to mention it, to have a talk about it. I casually said 'ohh so I see you like looking at porn babe... Bit of redtube hey?' in a joking kind of way. This started something massive. I only wanted to talk about it as two adults, more of an information session for myself. I don't watch porn, never have, I just wanted to know how often he does, what type, why he does it, etc. I feel I have a right to know about it, we have been together for years now.

Instead he immediately got defensive and told me he didn't want to talk about it, that he will never stop, he enjoys looking at it and that he will never change who he is. He did say it has nothing to do with me and that he doesn't really know why he does it and that he doesn't do it all the time. That I'm not too worried about, I know he loves me and we have an amazing relationship. It's the fact that he got so defensive and snapped at me. Then he just told me to deal with it or leave, that this is something he does n if I don't like it I may as well go find someone else. After he had his spill he didn't want to talk to me for the rest of the night. It was like he was pissed off at me for bringing it up, like I was demanding him to stop watching it.

So I just went back to my house and left him to it. Haven't heard from him today, I'm not sure what I should do about this. Do I just leave it n not mention it again? I just don't understand why we can't have a normal adult conversation about this, I feel that I have a right to the conversation.

I would have to say that I think in your last lines you answered your own question. What I mean is that as two adults in any relationship you should be able to talk and work through anything. Only you know what you are feeling and if its something you wonder about you should be able to bring it up and he should be able to talk to you. How I feel is if it was something simple (just porn) then he wouldn't get defensive. If there is an underlying problem with him having an addiction and just what kind of porn he is watching it is your business to know so that you can feel that there are no secrets between you.

I do agree he needs to open up and be willing to have a conversation with you if it's making you feel this way. When men are secretive like this, it sets off our insecurity and suspicion. It sounds as if he was simply embarrassed that you discovered it, that's why he turned so defensive. Let him cool off, and if he's mature he should have a think about it, and realise that instead of nagging, you were simply interested in what he's into.

Looking at the bigger picture, unless he's looking at disturbing porn, or neglecting your own needs, I'd think nothing of it. It's common that men look at porn, and is rarely linked to them. It's just an escape from reality.

X Dani

He has of course a right to look at porn if he wants to, if you want to watch it with him, great, tell him that you do.
It appears he already believed you would want him to stop, or he felt that you were making a big deal out of it.

It is common for men to look at porn and if it is not effecting the relationship it should be no concern. Many couples use it together as a start to foreplay and I have recommended it in some of my counseling for couples.

I would guess he took it the wrong way

Let the dust settle, and see if he acts better after thinking about it. He over reacted, and owes an apology. When he is ready that's fine, you can talk, if NOT, then screw him.

Who need someone that can't talk, and it takes two adults to have an adult conversation.

He may have been embarrassed that you found out about it. People can often get defensive when they feel that they have been exposed. He may also be embarrassed about the type of porn he has been looking at. Perhaps he has likes that he has been to embarrassed to tell you about.

Allow him to cool off. He will realise that he has over reacted a bit with you. See if he contacts you today. If he doesn't then just call him tomorrow and say that you love him and didn't meant to upset him over this. You just wanted to understand, not judge him.

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for 4 years, although he moved away in June this year to 'sort himself out' and came back in September saying that he has realised he wants to be with me and misses me so much. That he is coming home only to be with me. But he won't tell me he loves me. We have a good relationship now, we have passed our old ways and have a very mature relationship. We have spoken about the future a few times now, with us being together in all conversations. I love him to bits and feel so lucky that we have managed to get to this point in our relationship, however I just can't work out why he won't tell me he loves me. The only times he has said it to me have been when he has been drunk. When he has said it I feel like he means it, but the couple of times I have asked him how he feels when he has been sober, he has told me to leave it alone and to stop pressuring him. The other day we had a huge fight about it and he told me that he doesn't know how he feels. Although, after I broke down in tears thinking that he doesn't love me, he hugged me, kissed me and told me that he reacts that way when I pressure him about it.

Anyway, long story short, I just want to be able to understand the reason why he won't express his emotions. Why can't he say those three words? Is he still unsure about us as a couple? Is he still worried that we won't make the distance? Does he not want to look emotionally vunerable because he thinks he will get hurt? I need some advice! I want him to feel safe and secure enough in our relationship to express his feelings, is there anything I can do? Or is this something that I just have to let go? I have a feeling this has nothing to do with me and us, but is to do with something that he is going through... any suggestions?

Well sit down and have a serious talk with him, make sure you don't allow it to escalate it into a fight. After being with you for four years why can't he still say those three words? Ask him this.

Maybe change your approach by telling him you are a bit needy and insecure and need reassurances from him in the form of three little words.

That he can say them after he is a bit lubricated should show you that he struggles with words normally. That's not something you can expect him to change immediately if ever, but you should be in better control of yourself since he is the way he is.