Hi All:
I am a newly-married, 31 yo woman. I love my husband. He is a good man - a hard worker, reliable, and caring, in general. We were engaged for eight months before we were married, and although we came close to having sex, we did not - he respected the fact I wanted to wait until I was married to be intimate with him (religious reasons). Throughout our engagement, he was passionate when we were together - I didn't doubt his attraction to me or desire for me. Now that we are married, he has wanted to make love once, other than the "wedding night" which didn't lead to intercourse because he was tired and had taken a hot bath beforehand. He says he thinks I am attractive, but he does not even respond to me in a husband-to-wife manner; I am his roomie who works during the day -- then fixes him dinner. After that, he is "tired" (and he says it is "hard for him to get into the mood" when he is tired), and he rather prefers to watch TV and go to bed. He recently got a puppy - she is a lot of work - and I help him with her without question... I get up during the night with her and do whatever I can to help him with her. Other than paying the rent, he is not doing anything for our realationship that we would not be doing with and for himself if he were simply a single man with a new puppy. I have gently and honestly let him know how much I enjoy being intimate with him (I am always attracted to him!), and I express that I would like to spend more time being intimate with him, physically... but since I talked with him about my feelings (two weeks ago) - nothing has changed. I can't help feeling undesirable... very low and not loved. I moved to a town with limited career opportunities for him because his business was there - I am happy to compromise and relate to him through his sensibilities, but when I ask him if I can do anything better to make him happier or more fulfilled, he says everything is fine. I don't think that it is. I don't know why is he isn't interested in me, sexually. I am attractive, fit, and haven't changed physically since I met him. I feel confused and hurt and stuck. I am seeing a therapist myself, but what is the next step to take with him? He is not engaged with communication about these matters... but I am not leaving or thinking about divorce without a fight! Please help... I don't know where to go from here... but I have only been married five weeks and it feels as though I have been married for so much longer in the negative, distanced, where-are-we-after-all-these-years-together type of place. Thanks all. Best to you...

Pardon the extra - but hubby is 41, in good health... recently had levels checked - normal levels of testosterone etc. Medically, I believe there to be no physiological reasons he mightn't be interested in me. I guess that indicates he does not feel an emotional connection with me he wishes to communicate physically? He gives me gentle hugs, he tell me I am his "best friend," but I want more than that for our marriage union. Thanks. Peace.

Um honestly because I had that happened to me in the past I think he's dibbing elsewhere.Not trying to be funny but you're the woman wanting the sex and he's not giving it to you, then he's cheating!

That's confusing and little bit sad, isn't it, that you've waited this long, found the perfect mate, and then... nothing.

No, I wouldn't consider divorce at this point. There's too much you don't know about what's going on with your husband.

What does your therapist say?

Thanks, ladies... Wondergirl, thanks for asking... my therapist and I have been working together about one month - I have spoken with her about my concerns. She is supportive of me and thinks that I am rational to want to be more intimate with my husband... I am meeting with her today - I will ask her some steps on how to communicate more effectively with MDH... I think about how a person knows if she should reflect on divorce - and I don't know that answer right now. I can't believe I am where I am now in my life... one thing, my therapist suggested last week that I gently but directly ask my husband how often, ideally, he would like to be intimate, - just so I can have a better understanding/frame of expectations. I decided not to do this -- I felt needy and pathetic having to ask in a "non-judgemental" manner, to confirm that he is simply not feeling me... I came to the conclusion that the answer to the question was not going to be helpful... do you think I should ask anyway? Just to know? Nothing to lose, I guess... thanks, Lisa, for your perspective, too. My best to both of you---peace and blessings, b.

my therapist suggested last week that I gently but directly ask my husband how often, ideally, he would like to be intimate, - just so I can have a better understanding/frame of expectations.
Hmmmm, I think I would wait with that kind of gentle confrontation -- because that is how he will see it, a confrontation. Instead, now and then, as effortlessly as you can, find ways to touch him, say, while you are talking animatedly with him about something. Maybe spontaneously touch his arm or hand, brush his hair off his forehead, offer to clean his glasses, bake his favorite cookies -- do little things to show you love him and express your joy at having him in your life ("I do love how your eyes crinkle when you smile" or "You are the cream in my coffee and the sizzle in my steak.") Wrap him emotionally and verbally in your love. That can grow into what is called sensate focus-- sitting next to him while watching a TV show or DVD and holding hands, leaning against him a bit as the two of you talk the pup for a walk or play with it, giving him a quick hug or kiss, etc.

What do you think? Are you willing to do this?

Hi There - I feel the same way. Married 5 months and one intimate occasion (not the wedding night either). I also had mine tested for low T. He was also fine. He used to be my knight in shining armor but I am now seeking help because I come home only to feel very lonely and unwanted. Has your situation improved? Did the counselor make you come to some conclusions... I have gone that way too and mine hinted towards divorce if he doesn't provide "me" what I need. Not just the household. I love him way too much to give up but I want a close relationship with him. Please let me know if you have had any luck... Please!